You Must Remember This
by hazman11
Summary: (Complete) (Sequel to What He Has to Do) - Xander arrives back in Sunnydale, with no memory of his missing year. [Xander/Dawn]
1. Default Chapter

Title - You must remember this

Title - You must remember this... (1/?)

Sequel to "What He Has to Do" - which can be found at my website (link below)

Author - Andrew Parkinson (parkinson_aw@powerup.com.au)

Summary - Xander returns to the present, with the memories of his last year gone

Spoilers - Minor till end of season five. I assume Buffy comes back, but I'm not going to guess as to how. 

Rating - TV14 (if that)

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I'm just borrowing them for a

little bit. 

Feedback: Yes Please

Dedicated: To Jewel - for whom without her, there would be no sequel

Archive: http://www.powerup.com.au/~parkinson_aw - will be

there soon. If you want it - take it and let me know where it is going.

*************

Part One

"Xander!"

Buffy's shout echoed through the clearing, as she stared at the spot Xander had disappeared from. She kept staring for almost a minute, hoping by sheer force of will that she could make Xander re-appear. She was shaken out of her state, when a gentle hand touched her shoulder. She turned to see the very worried face of Giles looking at her. Buffy could read every wrinkle in his brow. He thought it was useless to stay.

"I can't give up on him," Buffy pleaded.

"There's nothing that can be done here, Buffy. Maybe, with some research.."

"Stuff research," Buffy replied, interrupting her mentor's words and shrugging his hand off her shoulder. "I won't leave him."

Giles could tell that Buffy was in shock. He took her by the shoulders and forcibly, with care, tried to get through to her. "We have no idea what has happened to him and as much as I would like to believe so, you can't bring him back by staying here."

Buffy was about to protest again, when she noticed the sorrow in Giles eyes. "I...," she paused for a moment, "we've lost too much all ready."

"There's still a chance," Willow added, her and Tara having joined the other two.

"If we can find out what happened, right?" Tara added, hoping her optimism would be contagious.

Giles gave her a warm smile, appreciating the effort she was putting into her words. "There's always a chance. We need to start straight away..."

"Dawn," Buffy softly whispered.

"Oh," Giles gasped realising what Buffy meant. It had been no secret to anyone that Dawn had a crush on Xander, but in the months between Buffy's 'death', and her return, Xander had become her most solid support. When Buffy returned she could see clearly the family bond that had been established in her absence. 

And while Buffy felt the same sort of bond to Xander, she dreaded the conversation that she would have to have now. Dawn had experienced far too much grief in her young life.

"And Anya," Tara added, noticing the slightly embarrassed look Buffy showed having, for a second, forgotten Xander's fiancée. 

"Willow, could you and Tara go and tell Anya, and Buffy and I will go and see Dawn," Giles suggested. When her saw them nod in agreement he continued. "We'll meet at the magic shop in an hour."

Willow and Tara were about to move away when suddenly the night sky lit up, blue streaks of energy revolved around the spot where Xander had disappeared only minutes ago. 

"Giles?" Buffy asked, hoping against hope.

"It could be Krostoff, back away," Giles replied, yelling, as the noise from the forming energy ribbons reached a crescendo.

Suddenly with a bang, not unlike a small explosion, but with no shock wave, there, standing in the clearing, was Xander. The energy dissipated from around him, leaving the woods bathed only in natural moonlight. But to the assembled foursome, they would not mistake who had appeared to them.

"Xander!" Willow yelled.

At the sound of her voice, Xander turned to face them but didn't seem to see where they stood. His eyes didn't seem to be focusing on any one person.

"Dawn!" he croaked out between weary lips, before his body collapsed to the dirt. He used what energy he had left to protect his face as he impacted with the ground.

The others rushed over to him, their joy at seeing him alive and well, over-riding them taking in the obvious changes to Xander's appearance.

"Is he alive?" Buffy asked as Giles knelt down to feel for a pulse.

"He is," Giles replied delighted at the sudden change in their luck. "We need to get him to a hospital though."

Buffy nodded, "Can you take him. Willow and Tara go and get Anya, and I'll get Dawn."

The four of them lifted Xander up and carried him to Giles's car, not noticing the small object that fell from Xander's back pocket. It dropped to the ground, silently landing and folding open to reveal a picture of a young couple. 

If they had noticed the wallet, they would no doubt have been shocked to see the two people in the picture. While there would be no doubt to them that they two people were Xander and Dawn, the fact that Dawn looked 10 years older, would have been over shadowed by the embrace the two of them were captured in. 

****************

Twiddling the pen between her fingers, Dawn pondered what more to write in her journal. She had pretty much exhausted the day's events, but until Buffy got home, she didn't want to go to sleep. It was her own superstition that had started since Buffy's return. She did not sleep until Buffy was safe at home each night. This was first met with protests from Buffy. She was worried her lack of sleep would affect her schoolwork, but Dawn quickly silenced her on that point. Dawn cared nothing about her schoolwork, when compared to her sister's safety. So she made Buffy promise, that if she came home safe each night, Dawn would do well at school, even with a little sleep deprivation. 

She heard the front door open and jumped up from her bed, ignoring the diary that fell to the floor as she walked out of her bedroom. When she reached the top of the stairs she was surprised to see Buffy already half way up to her. Dawn was about to give her a welcoming hug, when something in Buffy's eyes made her stop.

"What is it?" Dawn asked nervously.

"It's Xander," Buffy replied, instantly wishing that she had chosen her words better when she saw the reaction to them on Dawn's face.

"Oh, god.." Dawn gasped, as her hand went to her mouth.

Buffy pulled her into a hug. "He's at the hospital," she gently said hoping to soothe her sister's worries.

"He's alive," was the muffled response Buffy heard from her chest.

"Yeah," Buffy replied, "but he's unconscious."

Dawn pulled back from her sister. "What happened?"

Buffy had no easy answer to that. To be honest she hadn't given any time to digesting how Xander returned. She was just glad that he did so. "I'll explain later," she replied, hoping by then she would have some answers.

"You kept him safe," Dawn said, not really expecting a reply. She still clearly remembered the conversation she had with Buffy not long after her sister returned. In the middle of discussing Xander's new role in Dawn's life, Buffy had told her that she would keep him safe. It was said as a calming gesture, but wasn't a lie. Buffy would do whatever was necessary to keep all of her friends safe. 

"He saved me," Buffy admitted. "Just like always, he jumped in and saved me."

For a minute Dawn wanted to be angry with her sister. Xander wasn't meant to be risking his life for Buffy. It was meant to be the other way round. But a combination of the look of guilt on Buffy's face and Dawn knowing in her heart that Xander would so anything to save his friends, caused the anger in Dawn's heart to ease.

"That's why we love him," she added giving Buffy a hug.

Buffy laughed a little. "Just don't let him know that, we'll never hear the end of it."

*****************

They arrived at the hospital just as the heavens opened and the parking lot was awash in a summer storm. Running quickly from the car to the entrance, they succeeded in keeping mostly dry. After finding out which area Xander was in the made their way quickly through the corridors, till they saw the familiar figure of Giles at the nurses station filling out forms, while Willow, Tara and Anya were sitting in the waiting area nearby.

Buffy and Dawn walked straight over to Giles. "Is there any news?" Buffy asked.

"Oh Buffy," Giles said as he turned around not expecting them at that exact point. "The doctors are in with him still." He cast a glance at Dawn, not wanting to talk about some of his theories while she was there. "Are you okay?" he asked her.

Dawn nodded a little unconvincingly. "Yeah."

Giles gave her his best encouraging smile, before directing them to the waiting area. When they arrived there Willow and Tara immediately got up to greet them, while Anya stayed a little behind. 

Dawn felt a little guilty that Anya still didn't feel an equal with everyone. None of the Scooby Gang tried to make her feel unwelcome, it just seemed to be so. Dawn had not had that high of an opinion about her for a while, but over time it had slowly changed. Added to that Xander loved her and with upcoming marriage, everyone excepted Anya's future was very much tied with their own. But when Dawn looked at Anya, she could tell, Anya still felt like an outsider.

She walked over to where Anya stood and wrapped her arms around her. As far as Dawn was concerned now was the perfect time for Anya to feel welcome. 

It took a second for Anya to respond, not believing at first that Dawn had done such a thing, but then she hugged her warmly back, a tear falling down her face.

"Are you okay?" Dawn asked as she let go.

"No. Xander is not meant to get hurt. He breaks his arm occasionally but that is all."

Dawn couldn't decide if this was just another case of Anya's unique communication or serious denial, but whatever it was, Dawn could see the worry behind the words.

"He'll be okay," she offered supportively.

"Yeah," Anya replied, looking to the room where Xander was being examined. When she did she noticed one of the Doctor's came out and started walking towards them. "Giles," she quickly said alerting her boss to the approaching Doctor. She may have wanted to know what was happening already, but even Anya knew Giles would be better off talking to them.

"How is he?" Giles asked.

"Are you his father?" the Doctor asked.

"No, but we are his family," Giles replied, hoping that the Doctor would not want a history in bad parenting, which was Xander's parents, recited to him. 

"He's still unconscious, but stable," the Doctor replied, seeming to accept Giles' explanation. "You say he just fell down?"

Giles nodded. While not exactly the truth, it did describe the last 5 seconds of Xander's consciousness.

"Well he seems to be exhausted. His body has basically shut down to recover, but apart from some superficial abrasions, there is no outwardly signs of why he is in a coma."

"Can we see him?" Giles asked.

"Okay, for a little while, but only one at a time."

"Thanks," Giles replied. He waited to the Doctor moved away, before addressing Anya. "You okay?" he asked warmly.

"Yeah, thanks" Anya replied, grateful they were letting her go in. Dawn followed Anya to the room, but stayed outside while Anya went in.

Once the others were gone, Giles turned back to the others. "What to you make of it?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Buffy responded.

"Did you not notice that Xander was wearing different clothes that the ones he was wearing before he disappeared?" Giles asked.

Buffy shrugged. "It was dark and I was just happy to have him back."

"Well I had the whole ride to the hospital to see. That's not all. They were different, not like the sort of thing that Xander usually wears."

"But he was only gone for a few minutes?" Tara ventured.

"True, but Krostoff's magic harnessed energies from different dimensions and time. Who knows where Xander went and for how long." Giles replied, thinking seriously about the implications. 

Willow sat wondering about what Giles had said. If Xander had been somewhere long enough to change his clothes than he had been there for more than a few minutes. If that was the case, there would have to be clues. 

"Maybe there is something in his clothes?" she asked.

"Maybe," Giles replied.

"A little bit of paper, anything," Willow offered as suggestions. 

"You're right, I'll go and check," Giles answered, before getting up and going to see where they had stored Xander's belongings.

After he had gone, Willow turned to Buffy. "Are you okay?"

Buffy smiled warmly at her best friend's concern. "I'm alright."

Tara nodded over to where Dawn was still standing at the door to Xander's room, looking in through the small pane of glass. "How was Dawnie?"

"She was scared, still is I think. I don't know if she could handle any more bad news," Buffy responded.

"She's strong, Buffy. She's a Summers," Tara offered trying to comfort her. 

"Sometimes I don't feel that strong," Buffy replied, at that moment feeling rather weak.

Willow snapped to attention, as if she suddenly remembered something. "So, you have any idea why Xander called out for Dawn just before he collapsed?" she asked in a whisper so Dawn couldn't hear.

Buffy cast an eye over to where Dawn was still standing at Xander's door. "I don't know, Will."

******************

The rain continued to fall down at a tremendous rate, causing drains to fill up and overflow, run off's forming all around the town. In a clearing on the outskirts the ground had at first been transferred into mud, then as the soaken ground refused to take any more water, the rain just ran off down the slight incline towards a already overflowing creek. 

Any little bits of the forest were carried away in the run off. Little twigs, leaves, topsoil all became victim of the sudden rain. A small leather case survived a bit longer than the twigs around it, but slowly and surely the water carried it away, the photo of a young couple floating on top, till it met the creek and disappeared from view.

End Part One


	2. Two

Part Two

Turning the handle slowly, Buffy entered Xander's hospital room. It had been difficult to convince Anya to leave, but the Doctors assured her, they would contact her if there was any change. So now almost six hours since Xander had been brought into the hospital, Buffy was left with the task of taking Dawn home. Quietly closing the door, Buffy turned and saw that Dawn had fallen asleep on Xander's bed, her head resting on the lower half of his chest. Buffy knew that school was already out of the question for Dawn today, but she still wanted to get her home so she could have at least a few hours of proper sleep. 

Not that Dawn looked like she wanted to go home. In fact she looked down right comfortable, Buffy had to admit. Which only meant one thing. She was not going to be a happy girl when Buffy woke her in a few minutes.

"Dawn," Buffy lightly called to her, tapping Dawn on the shoulder at the same time. When there was no response from her sister, Buffy shook Dawn's shoulders a little harder.

"Wha..," Dawn groaned as her eyes opened. "Buffy!" she whined seeing who had woken her from her slumber.

"Comon, sleepy head, time to get going home."

Dawn was about to protest further when she easily read the look on Buffy's face. It said quite simply, 'Don't argue'. Resigned to leaving, Dawn yawned and got up.

When Dawn got up, Buffy noticed with some surprise that Dawn had been holding Xander's hand beneath her, while she slept. She was about to comment on it, when to her further surprise, when Dawn let go, Xander's hand moved, as if trying to find what it had suddenly lost.

"He moved," Dawn said excitedly. "Xander!" she called a little louder than Buffy thought was necessary.

"Dawn," Buffy cautioned. "He's still unconscious."

"No. He knows I'm here," Dawn replied grasping his hand again. "Come on, Xander," she urged.

"Dawn," Buffy said again, softer this time, part of her hoping that Dawn was right. 

After a few seconds, when it became obvious Xander wasn't going to move again, any time soon, Buffy stepped over and put her arm around her sister and consoled her. "We'll come back after we've slept," she said gently.

"Okay," Dawn replied taking a last look and gently squeezing Xander's hand, before placing it back by Xander's side. Turning to Buffy she gave her a little smile, before following her big sister out the door.

******************

A little after seven a.m., while a nurse was checking his vital signs, Xander awoke. There was no great fanfare. He just opened his eyes and looked around, letting his eyes adjust to the light and after a few seconds, noticed the nurse who was peering down at him, looking quite happy with herself.

"Hi," he croaked out, the sound barley making it past his lips.

"Are you in any pain?" the nurse asked him, while taking his pulse.

Xander shook his head. "I'm in a hospital?" he asked, more to clarify it for himself then to get an actual answer.

"You don't remember what happened to you?" she asked.

Xander shook his head. Firstly he had learnt from past visits to the hospital it was best to be vague, and secondly, cause what he could tell the nurse, would no doubt send him to a padded cell quicker that he could finish his explanation.

"Well just rest here and I'll grab the Doctor," the nurse said as she exited the room.

Xander watched her leave and then took in the room that he had woken up in. He started shivering as he looked around frantically for something familiar. He wasn't cold. On the contrary the blankets he had over him kept him warm enough. He had an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. He couldn't remember how he got to the hospital, and although he realised what lead to his obvious collapse, he had to really concentrate to remember what year it was. And when he did, he got the strangest feeling it was in the past.

These were all feelings Xander did not enjoy having. He couldn't fight them, he couldn't even face them. He didn't even know what they meant.

*****************

At 9.00am Xander was about to try and sleep. He had finally gotten a few minutes to himself after the endless line of Doctors, that seemed to be taking an interest in his case, finally stopped coming. His eyes were about to shut, when through the door walked his fiancée, and by the look on her face when she saw that Xander had his eyes open, no-one had told her yet, that he had come out of his coma. 

The most pleasant shock that Anya got, however turned to a slightly uncomfortable one for Xander when Anya yelped and virtually jumped on him in her excitement. 

"Xander," she squealed, hugging him a little too hard.

"Oh Ahn, " Xander replied pulling back a little. "Still not feeling the best."

"Sorry," Anya replied looking a little hurt, but pulling back anyway.

Xander wanted to reach over and let her know it was okay, but he didn't have the energy to move. "It's okay. Feel free to hug, just softly,' Xander said trying his best to smile through the pain.

"And then we can have the soft sex," Anya added moving over to embrace Xander with a smile on her face.

Xander inwardly grimaced. Sex, soft or not, wasn't on his mind at that point in time. Xander himself would have taken more note of this monumentous occasion, if he hadn't been pre-occupied with more important things. 

"Do you know what happened?" he asked.

"You don't remember?" she replied, moving her head up a little to look at his face.

Xander shook his head. "I expect I got knocked out after getting hit by whatever Krostoff used, but that's it."

"Buffy probably knows more," Anya said casually. "But you did disappear for a while."

"I disappeared," Xander said the words, as if trying to understand them. "For how long?" he enquired, this time addressing Anya.

"Only for a few minutes, but you re-appeared wearing different clothes and with a snazzy new hair cut," Anya replied, running her hands through Xander's head, as if nothing was wrong.

"Wha.." Xander said, not knowing exactly how to respond to that sort of news. 

"It's no biggie," Anya replied. "You're back now. That's all that matters."

Xander heard her words, but didn't respond. All he could feel was the sense of overwhelming loss. Anya's words, delivered in her own unique way, did nothing to calm his inner self. 

***************

It was only a few hours later, when Dawn awoke from her forced sleep. The first thing she did was to call the hospital. The result of which was a big squeal, and a very quick sprint up the stairs to Buffy's room, to tell her of Xander's recovery. 

When Buffy awoke to the sound of a very excited teenage girl, she did not need any clues to realise that Xander had come out of his coma. 

"He's okay?" Buffy asked with a huge smile on her face.

"Yeah. Anya is with him at the moment. She said he's a little out of it, but feeling okay," Dawn replied. 

"Anya said that?" Buffy asked, not seeing Anya actually using those words.

"Well no," Dawn blushed, "she said something about soft sex soon, so I interpreted for you."

Buffy nodded, "you did well. Did she say if he remembered anything?"

"No," Dawn answered. She saw the look on her sisters face as she said that and it didn't add up. What did Xander have to remember?

"What aren't you telling me?" she asked.

"It's nothing really," Buffy replied trying to evade the question. 

"Buffy!" Dawn protested. 

Sometimes Dawn still got treated like a little kid and as far as she was concerned this was one of those occasions. "I think after what we've been through in the last year, I deserve the truth."

Buffy nodded. "You do, but we really have no answers as yet. We were sort of hoping that Xander would be able to fill in the blanks for us."

Now that Buffy had sowed the seeds of doubt in Dawn's mind, she remembered something that had startled her, at first, last night. "Did Xander get a haircut yesterday?" Having not seen him, since the night before his accident, it was conceivable.

"No,' Buffy responded putting paid to Dawn's logical train of thought quickly. "And that's just one of the weird things. He disappeared, then re-appeared a few minutes later with a new hairstyle and different clothes."

"How's that possible?" Dawn asked trying to get her head around it.

"We think that he went somewhere," Buffy responded not trying to be deliberately evasive, but it all theory at this point.

"Where?" 

Buffy shrugged. "We don't know."

****************

Lying still on his hospital bed, staring at the back of his eyelids, Xander practiced the long tradition of resting his eyes, in the hope that it would remove some of the tension that seemed to be building with each passing moment. The knowledge that he knew nothing about what happened to him was just the icing on his own personal 'freaking out' cake. From what Anya told him, he had been gone for some time. At least in his own reality. For his friends it had only been a few minutes. 

Not for the first time he thanked his Star Trek childhood for his understanding of such things.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Opening his eyes, and taking a moment to let them adjust to the artificial light shinning down from the fluorescent bulbs above him, he smiled warmly when he realised who it was.

"Xander!" Dawn called as she entered. 

"Hey Dawn," Xander said just as Dawn's arms wrapped around him. "Hey hold on," Xander warned.

"Dawn!" Buffy called from the door. "Be careful."

"Sorry Xander," Dawn replied, her grin still plastered on her face.

When Xander looked into her face, he couldn't help but smile. "S'okay. It's good to see you too."

Xander patted the side of his bed, for Dawn to sit on, before answering. She leaned back against the backboard, part of her side resting against Xander's shoulder.

He was a little surprised when Buffy gave him a small kiss on his cheek. She then whispered in his ear, "Thanks."

Xander smiled and nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

"Where's Anya?" Buffy asked, surprised not to see her at Xander's side.

"She's at Giles's," Xander responded.

Buffy was more than a little surprised at the absence of Anya. Xander's seemingly nonchalant response only added to her worry. "I'm sure Giles would give her the day off," she asked.

"He did, but I said it was okay for her to go. There isn't much that she could do around here."

Buffy was about to voice some of her concerns, but seeing that Xander had shrugged off the conversation and now was too busy laughing with Dawn, she let it go. Buffy had no idea what Xander had just been through, but she didn't want to impact on it.

"So, how are you feeling, Xan?"

"I'm okay. A little weak. Feeling, well... just weird."

Buffy frowned, not liking such an ambiguous answer.

"You have no memory of what happened?" Buffy continued.

Xander shook his head. "Until Anya mentioned it, I had no idea that there was something to remember." Xander looked from Buffy's face to Dawn's and then back to Buffy's. "Okay, so what's the sytch?"

"You were gone from only 5 minutes from here Xander, but we think you were somewhere else for a lot longer," Buffy answered.

"Yeah, Anya mentioned something like that. Any idea how long?" Xander asked, hoping that Buffy would be able to fill in some of the gaps.

Buffy shook her shoulders. "We don't know. We don't know where you went, but you seem to be physically okay, and since you had a new haircut, and clothes that looked newish, it obviously wasn't some sort of hell dimension, at least not one I've heard about."

Xander inwardly cursed. Buffy knew no real more than what Anya told him. And none of what Buffy had told him made the feelings in the back of his mind lessen.

"I wish I could tell you Buff, but I'm running on a blank slate," Xander replied letting some of his frustration out.

"I'm sorry, I'm not being more helpful," Buffy responded. "Maybe Giles has had better luck."

"Yeah maybe," Xander replied sounding more pessimistic, then he had planned.

Buffy's concern had only grown over the last few minutes. Xander's emotions had run the full gammont since she and Dawn had arrived. Looking at Dawn and him, casually joking and laughing Buffy would think everything was okay. It looked so much like how it had been since her return. But in the other times, when she asked him questions about his disappearance, she saw the hurt, despair and resignation in his mood. 

Interrupting the talkative pair, she asked, "You be okay with Dawn for a while?"

"Yeah, of course," Xander replied throwing a grin towards Dawn, who had no complaints herself. "Why?"

"I'm just going to check in with Giles, see when he wants to come and see you," she answered, adding in her mind, 'and see if he can help you.'

"No probs, Buff." Xander responded with his usual trademark grin.

It was just another sign to Buffy things just weren't right. "I'll be back in a minute," she replied before turning and walking outside, closing the door behind her.

End Part Two


	3. Three

Part Three

Part Three

Giles slammed his account book shut in frustration. He didn't want to be here, at his shop today. But he had deliveries that couldn't be postponed and so he was sitting behind his counter in a futile attempt at taking his mind away from Sunnydale Hospital.

His concentration, such as it was, was broken by the ringing of the bell as the front door opened. He lifted his gaze, expecting to see a willing and ready to shop customer, but instead was confronted by a very upset employee.

"Anya," Giles addressed her concerned at her appearance. Suddenly a horrible thought ran through his mind. "Is Xander..."

Anya put her hands up, knowing where Giles was going with his question. "He's awake," she replied holding back most of her tears.

"Oh, thank god," Giles said as he let out a breath of air, clenching his fist in joy. A few seconds later, he realised that he was solo in celebrating the news. Anya, who at first Giles had suspected was crying tears of joy, had not stopped. In fact she seemed to be oblivious to Giles's happiness. Added to that Giles wondered why she was here with him and not at the hospital.

"Anya, what's wrong?"

"Xander told me to go to work, if I wanted to," Anya replied.

Giles removed his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Are you sure he said that?" he asked, finding it hard to believe Xander would send Anya away.

"He doesn't love me anymore," Anya shrieked, before sinking to the floor.

Giles rolled his eyes back, and not for the first time wondered if he really deserved being the surrogate father to all of his charges. Shaking his head, he knew that he wouldn't change it for anything. Even if he was about to give relationship advice to a thousand-year-old ex-demon.

****************

Xander could tell by the way Dawn's face dropped that the lighthearted banter had come to an end. 

"You scared me, Xander," Dawn said, almost whispering.

He frowned at her words. Since Buffy had left them to themselves, he had enjoyed the tone of the conversation. The latest topic of conversation had centred on the latest boy to have a crush on Dawn, something which Xander found gave him no end of material to rib her about. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that," he replied.

"Why'd you do it?" 

Xander just shook his head. "I really didn't think to much about it."

It took just one glance at Dawn's face, for Xander to tell she wasn't buying it. 

"I just couldn't sit there and watch her die again," Xander replied, his voice showing how fresh, their last experience of Buffy dying was.

Dawn reached over and wrapped her arms around Xander, hugging him tightly. 

"Not to hard," Xander gasped.

"Sorry," Dawn replied, loosening her grip, but still hanging on.

Xander was going to say something else, when his ears picked up Dawn's small voice, buried in his chest.

"I can't lose anyone else."

Xander felt very small at her words. He really hadn't given much thought to how his actions that night would affect anyone else. Over the last few months he had been there when Dawn needed him, just as Giles, Willow and everyone had. Between the group of them, they'd filled in whatever role the teenager had needed, but it was with Xander, that Dawn had found some small minutes of sunshine, breaking through the gloom that hung permanently around them. A little phrase was just the tonic she needed to laugh, in those days. 

"I'm still here," he assured her, hoping his words would hide the fact he felt not okay himself.

Dawn unwrapped her arms and resumed her position to Xander's left, leaning against the headboard. "Thanks for saving Buffy," she told him, looking directly into his eyes.

"No problem, Dawnster," Xander replied. "So, this guy, Tommy," he started, before ducking a flying fist from Dawn's direction.

*****************

Buffy deposited the last of her coins into the pay phone, and not for the first time seriously wondered why she didn't own a mobile phone. She punched in Giles's number and waited not all that patiently for someone to answer it.

"Good Morning," he answered.

"Giles, is Anya there?" Buffy asked.

"Buffy, yes she is. Is everything okay?"

"I'm not sure. Did Anya say anything?" 

Giles looked over to where Anya was sitting. She hadn't moved since she arrived. "She came in and said that Xander didn't love her anymore," Giles replied, speaking softer this time. "Is Xander okay?"

"That's the thing Giles. He shrugged off telling Anya to go to work, then he was arguing, then upset and now he is laughing up a storm with Dawn."

"He was the first one to break through to her, when you died Buffy. Maybe he just feels more comfortable with her."

"Yeah, I know. But to blow off Anya like that?" Buffy responded, not quite believing that Xander would ever tell Anya to leave.

"I admit it's out of the ordinary, but we've no idea what Xander went through, and we don't know how he's doing now. He hasn't talked to you about it, then?"

"No, but maybe he'll talk to Dawn?" Buffy wondered out loud.

"Maybe, maybe not," Giles cautioned. "Until Xander wants to speak, we won't know."

******************

"So what's your plans for the weekend?" Xander enquired.

"Dunno, probably bronzing it," Dawn replied, nonchalantly.

"Ahh, memories," Xander responded, looking upward wistfully.

"Yes, cause, it was oh, so long ago when you were last there," Dawn retorted with a giggle.

"In my youth, I frequented the place a few times," Xander continued with his story.

"Yeah, like that time, what was it, a week ago?" Dawn wondered.

"Well, yes. I'm still in my youth," Xander argued, thinking that his logic was infallible.

"You're a very young 21 years old," Dawn replied poking her tongue out at him. 

"I think you'll find Giles still considers me to be very young," Xander responded, before realising exactly what he said.

"I'm sure he'll agree with you," Buffy announced as she entered the room. "Feeling better, Xan?"

"Much," he replied, smiling as she walked over to him.

Buffy reached the side of the bed and lightly reached over and touched Dawn lightly on the shoulder. "Could you give Xander and I some time alone?"

Dawn was going to jokingly reply that he already had a girlfriend, when she noticed the determined look in Buffy's eyes. 

"Sure. I've got some things to do anyway. See ya Xandman," she said as she jumped off the bed.

"Later, Dawn patrol," Xander replied, trading nicknames.

Once Dawn had left the room, Buffy got a lot more serious, something Xander noticed in her face straight away.

"What?" Xander asked, not really wanting to know.

"What happened with you and Anya?" Buffy asked. She wasn't demanding an answer. In fact Xander realised that she was concerned and being as gentle as possible. But that didn't mean Xander felt anymore like talking.

"I think that is between Anya and I."

"Xander, Anya is at the Magic shop, crying, thinking that you don't love her anymore."

"That's crap," Xander started, but then stopped, shaking his head. "Shit, that wasn't what I said."

"Well, that's how she is taking it," Buffy said, softening her tone. She was trying not to sound to interrogatory. "You still don't remember anything?"

Xander shook his head. He had lost the will to argue back, when he heard how upset Anya was. He looked up at Buffy and saw the concern in her eyes. "Does everyone think I went into the future?"

"That's what we think. Actually it is more of an educated guess that anything else. Your clothes are slightly different and you had a change of hairstyle. It's not much really."

"No, it's not," Xander added, a little disappointed.

"Do you remember what you said when you reappeared?"

Once again, Xander shook his head. "What did I say?"

"Dawn."

**************

"Thank you, come again," Giles said as he showed the last customer of the day, out the front door, locking in behind them. Pulling down the blinds, he then walked over to Anya who was busy counting the money from the day's takings.

"Leave that for now," he told her.

"But I have to count the money," Anya protested.

"No. You have to come with me to see Xander," Giles parried back. He took her arm gently and started leading her to the door. "He'll want to see you."

"You think so?" Anya asked, looking, for the first time today, hopeful.

"Yes, I do," 

**************

"Where am I?" Xander asked confused. He looked around, but despite the feeling that he wasn't alone, he couldn't see anyone. Looking closer at the surrounding landscape, he noticed that it al seemed to be blurry. As if it was all encased in a thick fog, that pulsed and moved to the wind.

The silence was broken suddenly, when a booming male voice called out. "Where do you think you are?"

Xander couldn't shake the feeling that he knew the voice from somewhere. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Who do you think I am," It asked back.

"Oh great, I stuck with a very unfunny parrot," Xander commented, not in the mood for games.

"A joke?" the voice responded, though this time it spoke with a feminine edge and came from his right side. 

"He's funny sometimes," a voice added, coming from the left side. This one was male, and spoke with an English accent.

"Oh, great. Now I have dueling vocals," Xander mused, when suddenly he sank to the ground writhing in pain. His hands shot up to his ears, as is attempting block out an incredibly loud sound, then just as suddenly he relaxed.

"You think you can cut out the one liners now?" the female voice asked.

"What the hell did you do to me?" Xander asked.

"We did nothing Xander," the male stated, before appearing through the mist in front of him.

"Wesley?" Xander asked confused.

"Not really," the female replied, before tapping him on the shoulder from behind.

Xander spun around and was further surprised to see Cordelia standing there grinning at him. "So if you aren't Wesley and Cordelia, then who are you?"

"Think of us, as you past," Wesley answered.

"And your future," Cordelia added.

"You know, if that was meant to make sense, it didn't," Xander said, getting more and more frustrated.

"What do you expect, it's your brain," Cordy bit back.

As if the penny dropped, Xander suddenly realised he was dreaming. "And my brain created you both," he theorized. "Well I can understand Cordelia, after all I've thought.." Xander stopped talking before anything more incriminating came out. "But Wesley?"

"We aren't alone, Xander. There's others," Wesley told him.

"Who?"

"We don't know. When you remember, your brain will tell us and we can tell you, but by then of course you'd remember," Cordy answered tying herself in a mental knot.

"You were actually less annoying during high school, Cor."

"Well, Duh," she replied before vanishing from his sight.

Xander turned to Wesley. "I don't know what to do?"

Wesley reached over and placed his hand on Xander's shoulder. "I know," then promptly vanished as well.

Xander looked around him, hoping that they were just lurking in the recesses of this world, but couldn't find any evidence of them

"Well, that was useful," he sarcastically called out.

"Xander," a different female voice called out from in front of him. 

"Yeah," Xander replied, spinning around. He could just make out a female form in the mist in front of him. Her features were obscured, but he had the most overwhelming feeling of knowing envelop him.

"I know you," Xander stated.

"Yes you do," the voice replied sweetly. Her words seemed to surround him and warm his body.

"Who are you?"

"I can't tell you till you remember?" she told him. "I'm part of you, remember?"

"Yeah, I forgot," Xander replied a little disappointed. "What if I never remember?"

"I don't know," the voice responded. "But I'll still be here."

***********************

It wasn't with a jolt that Xander woke up. He simply opened his eyes. But the ease of waking belied the fact that he was deeply troubled. He had the uncanny feeling that he had just dreamt something, but he couldn't recall any details. It was there, on the tip of his tongue, but his memory wouldn't speak to him. Added to his lack of memory over his disappearance, his frustration level just continued to grow and grow.

He had only been awake for a few moments, when there was a knock at the door, and looking up, he saw Anya standing by the doorway. Xander could tell how nervous she was. Each movement showed she was stepping softly, afraid at how he would react.

"Hey Ahn," Xander welcomed her as warmly as he could from a seating position.

"Xan," Anya replied, still not certain.

"I'm sorry," Xander told her, holding his hand out.

Anya's face broke into a huge smile as she took his hand and sat next to him on the bed. She leant over and rested her head on his chest, looking up at his face, as she lightly stroked his cheek.

"I thought you didn't love me," she told him, her voice still showing some of the hurt she felt.

"I'm just trying to adjust to things, honey," Xander replied.

Anya reached up and kissed Xander softly on the nose. "I know," she said happily, before resuming resting her head on his chest. She closed her eyes and savoured the feeling of Xander's body underneath hers.

Xander tried to keep his attention on his fiancée, but his head had picked that exact moment to remember something from his dream. It was only a few words. But they feelings behind them were what struck Xander most. They were said with love and reverberated in his brain.

"I'll still be here." 

End Part Three


	4. Four

Part Four

Part Four

February 2002

"Xander!"

Anya's voice cut like a knife through the silence that had settled on the bedroom. She had been calling his name for a while, but Xander only felt a comfortable calm just lying there, starring at the ceiling. His eyes weren't focussed on anything in particular, yet his mind was obviously focussed on something. If it weren't for Anya's voice, which had been quickly rising in pitch, reaching the crescendo that it did, his concentration wouldn't have been broken.

He turned his head slightly, with his mouth opening into a small grin, having no idea his fiancée was in no mood for frivolity. "Hi, honey," he said warmly as his eyes met hers. 

"Don't hi, honey, me," Anya replied slapping Xander on his shoulder.

Xander for his part was at a total loss at what was the source of Anya's irritation tonight. But as it had become a regular occurrence over the last few months, he didn't need that many guesses. 

"What did I do now?" he asked, exasperated and not hiding just how sick of these little squabbles, he was becoming.

"God, Xander! Don't you think that out of anyone who doesn't deserve to cop your attitude, it's me?" Anya replied, getting off the bed and walking over to where her clothes were.

"You're going home?" Xander asked sitting up.

"Is there any point in me staying?"

"Yes," Xander replied.

Anya stepped over and sat on the bed, half dressed. "Why? What's different about tonight?"

"There's nothing different. Just that I'd like you to stay," Xander replied.

Anya shook her head and asked him, "Can't you see there's something wrong?"

"We seem to be having a rocky patch. That's all," Xander replied, grasping Anya's hand and holding it lovingly.

"God, Xander!" Anya replied her earlier softening of her mood, having been replaced with frustration again. She pulled her hand away from him and stood up. "We haven't had sex in over two months and only twice since that night."

"Sex isn't everything," Xander replied without thinking. If he had, he would no doubt have choked on his words.

"What about our wedding?" Anya asked, focussing finally on what was bothering her.

Xander knew that no matter what answer he gave, it would open up a whole new series of questions, so he decided to leave it up to Anya, as to what the problem was. "What about it?" he answered.

Anya just shook her head at him again, and moved away to where the rest of her stuff was. "Maybe there won't be one," she spat at him as she finished dressing and walked out of the room. 

Xander was going to call out to her, but decided it would be better to let her cool down first. This was, after all, not the first fight they'd had in the last few months. 

Sometimes he felt like such an ass. He knew that he was to blame for the arguments, as much as Anya was. Maybe even more so. But it was all he could do, to keep his head above water. He knew that all Anya wanted was a return to the relationship they had, before his missing time. But Xander just couldn't go there. Not then, and in Xander's mind he didn't know when. 

He still loved her. Her little quirks, her inappropriate sayings, the way she looked at him, they all made his heart glow.

But he also couldn't disregard the fact that he didn't feel the close connection that couples should feel. He preferred to sleep alone, and even if Anya wasn't pressuring him for sex, he still liked to be by himself. He didn't like it. But that was how he felt. 

And while he didn't believe that his relationship with Anya was built solely on sex, he knew that it was a huge part of it. He only hoped that when he got through, whatever it was that was mixing him up, Anya would still be there.

**************

March 2002

Buffy flicked a branch away from her eyes, not just a little annoyed at having to leave her warm home at after midnight. Slaying was one thing, but chasing after friends who seemed to have a death wish was a totally different matter.

Having settled down for a, for her at least, rather generous six hours sleep, the ringing of her telephone, just as he eyelids had closed, was about the most unwanted event that could've occurred. What she didn't expect however was a crying Anya on the phone, virtually screaming at how Xander had left an hour or so ago, and not yet returned. Buffy could tell by Anya's voice that she still held some resentment. It was plain to Buffy and everyone else, that Xander and Anya were having problems. And Buffy also knew when they started. Just as Xander returned. Returned from where, no one knew. But the one thing that Buffy knew was that wherever Xander disappeared to, he did so saving her life. At that was where the resentment Anya harbored came from. 

Buffy may not have been able to cure all of Anya's worries, but the least she could do is find Xander and bring him home safely. Buffy didn't need to guess where Xander would be. He had pulled the same disappearing act twice before and each time she had found him in the same place.

When Buffy entered the clearing, that only months ago had seemed so unimportant, she wasn't surprised to find Xander siting in the middle looking up into the stars. If he hadn't been facing away from her, she would have seen the small wry grin form across his lips as he heard her approach.

"Hey, Buffy," he said quietly, not taking his eyes off the stars.

"Xand," Buffy replied taking a seat beside him. After a few seconds when she realised he wasn't going to speak, she decided to break the silence. "So, I got this call from Anya..."

Xander turned to her. "I'm sorry about that."

"...and as much as Anya's call are pleasant when compared to..."

"I said I was sorry," Xander continued.

"I've gotta tell you, Xan. At 1.00am on a night where it looked like I would actually get some sleep, it wasn't all that welcome," Buffy continued, hoping that she might actually get through to him.

Xander just sat there silent, his face conveying his apology.

Buffy let out a sigh. "What's going on, Xander?" Buffy asked concerned. "What is it about this place?"

Xander shrugged. "I don't know. I keep thinking that I should get something, but I don't." Xander got up and looked around him. "You'd think you would. I mean I must have some connection to this place."

"It might just be a clearing," Buffy offered gently.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "But there has to be something. I don't feel attached to anywhere. Not here, not Sunnydale."

"Is that why we hardly see you these days?" Buffy asked.

Xander was going to argue on reflex, but didn't. "I'm sorry Buffy, I don't mean to be absent guy."

"Dawn misses you."

"I miss her too. I just,...I don't want to get her mixed up in my problems."

Buffy had to let out a laugh. "Yeah cause she would just hate that. Seriously, you need to come over and visit us."

Xander mouth slowly upturned at the edges. "I will, Buff. Thanks."

There was something about Xander's words that didn't relieve any of the apprehension in Buffy's mind. It hurt her that she couldn't seem to reach him. At least not in the way, friends with the closeness they had should've been able to reach.

"What about Anya?" Buffy asked, thinking it was a better subject to discuss.

Xander sat down again, and looked at Buffy for a few seconds before shaking his head. "I don't think we'll make it."

"Have you told her that?"

Xander just shook his head in response.

"You have to tell her."

"Tell her what, Buffy?" Xander half shouted. "Gee, I'm sorry, Anya, I do love you, but I'm so screwed up, I can't be with you."

"We'll I'd leave off the attitude, but yeah." Buffy replied. See Xander deflate a little bit, she continued. "Do you love her?"

"Yes, I do," Xander replied seriously.

"Then you can work it out," Buffy told him.

"It's not that simple," Xander stated.

"It should be."

"Yeah, it should," Xander agreed. "But, in all the confusion I feel. The isolation, frustration and anger, there is one thing I'm sure of. Anya and I won't get married."

"I don't understand," Buffy replied.

Xander gave her an appreciative grin. "I know. Nor do I, and neither will Anya."

******************

Xander bounded up the steps and knocked on the front door to Buffy's house, a little harder than usual, in case Dawn was upstairs. A couple of seconds later he hears the tell-tale sounds of footsteps coming down the steps. Xander knew from his years of visiting the Summers' household, who those steps belonged to and when the door opened he had no need to look up. 

"Hey Dawn," he said as she opened the door.

"Xander," she replied, "what brings you over?"

"Do I need a reason to come and visit my favourite teenager?"

Dawn did a quick calculation in her head and realised that she was the only teenager, Xander really knew. "Quite an achievement," she deadpanned. "We'll come in."

"Thanks," he replied, walking past her and taking a seat on the couch. 

Dawn watched him walk over, a little confused, a little concerned all mixed in with the happiness of seeing him again. "So, we haven't, we'll I haven't seen you that much lately. What's the occasion."

Xander could detect the slight bitterness in her voice and he wished he could take it away. If there was one thing that would reduce Xander Harris to a small boy, it was Dawn Summers being angry with him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that." Xander had to fight the automatic urge to leave his explanation at that. But Buffy's words from the night before were still fresh in his mind. "I've got problems. It's like I don't feel like I belong here anymore, but then other times, you're like the only person I feel comfortable talking to. And the last thing I wanted to do, was to lump that on you."

Dawn couldn't resist hitting him on the arm. "You dorkhead," she told him, giving Xander an instant case of deja vu. "What the heck did I do to you all last summer?" she asked him.

"I know, but I didn't want to impose."

"You are hearby given full right to impose," Dawn proudly announced, rolling her eyes at the word, impose. Xander had been there for her so much when Buffy had died, that Dawn gave no second thought to telling him that. It hurt her a little that he had taken so long to come and see her. But she was determined to be there if and when she needed him.

"What can I do?" she asked entering Counselor Dawn mode.

Xander gave Dawn a smile. "Never change. That's enough," he told her sincerely.

**********************

As Xander opened the door to his apartment, he could immediately tell something was wrong. The first thing he noticed was the boxes, neatly stacked next to the wall, and from there it didn't take long to realise what was happening. 

He didn't yell, or say anything as he closed the front door silently behind him. He merely moved over to the nearest seat and sat down. The noise he made as he took his seat was the first indication to Anya that he was home. 

She walked into the lounge room to see what the noise was and was a little taken back to see him just sitting there. She stood there, in front of him, for a few seconds and stared straight into Xander's face. When he didn't say anything, she could no longer hold back her anger, or her tears.

"Are you just going to sit there?" she shouted at him through her tears.

"I'm not going to help," Xander replied. He had no intention of helping her move out.

"No. You've done quite enough as it is," Anya replied.

"You don't have to move out," Xander said a little softer and leaning forward to her. 

"There's no reason to stay. We don't have a relationship anymore, Xander."

"I still love you," Xander pleaded.

Anya was a bout to reply with a stinging retort, when she noticed the sincerity in his voice. She moved over and cupped Xander's cheek. "I know you think you do. But that is all it will ever be." She locked her eyes with his. "It's not enough. I want a husband, kids and a white picket fence."

Seeing that Xander was about to argue, she put her finger up to his mouth, silencing him. "You and I both know that you won't give me that."

Xander's eyes pleaded with Anya to change her mind, but she ignored him and took a few steps back, breaking physically the bond between them. Xander felt it and the reality that hit him hard, as he realised that she was telling the truth.

"I'm sorry," he told her as she backed away.

Anya couldn't help but smile a little. "I know. And that's the only reason why you aren't in all sorts of pain."

"I had wondered about that," Xander replied letting out a little laugh.

There was silence for a few seconds, then Anya laughed as well, joining Xander as the tension broke. For months there had been a barrier between them, and now that they had admitted the truth to one and other, it no longer existed. Indeed for the first time in almost six months, since Xander got out of hospital, they actually felt comfortable around each other. 

"So what are you going to do?" Xander asked. "Will you stay around?"

"Oh yeah. I'm not leaving the Magic Shop. Giles would be lost with out me."

Xander had to laugh again, but also admit the truth of her statement. Giles wouldn't get a more efficient office manager.

"What about you?" Anya asked.

"I don't know," Xander replied. "But I know I have to do something. I just can't go on like this."

End Part Five


	5. Five

Part Five

Part Five

March 2002

The phone could've been ringing for hours, for all Xander knew. At first, Anya's break up with him had taken a load off his mind. And while he thought it was the right thing, it still left him gutted. He found it hard to believe that in the space of 7 short months, he had gone from being deliriously in love, waiting for the upcoming wedding, to simply hanging on because it was safer to do so. 

It shouldn't have surprised him that it was Anya that took the brave step to brake off their long-standing relationship. No matter how much Anya tried to sugar coat it, he knew that he had contributed wholly to the breakdown. 

What frustrated him even more so was the fact he didn't know why. Why had he suddenly felt uncomfortable being intimate with her? Why was her little quips, no longer endearing, just annoying? Why couldn't he talk to her? All of these questions lead him to only one answer. Unfortunately that answer was blank. He had no idea the size of the blank, but however long he had been away, that fateful night last year, time had yet to heal that wound. If anything it had merely healed a thin layer over the gaping hole, which ripped apart almost daily, as Xander felt himself slipping more and more into an emotional abyss.

It was those feelings that were running through Xander as he sat in the darkness that was his apartment. And he had no idea how to help himself.

What had started with a dull thumping in his head reached a crescendo as Xander snapped out of his daze. The thundering on the front door just about drowned out the sound of the ever-persistent telephone. He figured that he should answer at least one of them, and as the phone was closer he got up and took a step towards it, when the front door burst open and one obviously very angry, with a dash of worry, slayer came rushing through.

Xander must have looked like the proverbial deer in headlights, as he simply froze and stared at Buffy as she came up to him. Seeing that he wasn't moving, she went over and answered the phone, knowing who it would be.

"I'm here now, Dawn," she said calmly, waiting for a few seconds, while Dawn asked her something. "I'm not sure. I'll call you late okay," she replied, before putting the phone down.

Xander, who had not moved since Buffy's door slayage show, stood still as Buffy moved silently towards him. Taking one look into her eyes, Xander was sure that she was about to clip him around the ears.

As it was Buffy noticed something in Xander's gaze. Almost innocence. She was sure he had no idea the worry that he had put them through this night. Her anger dissipated, as the caring side of her heart started taking over her emotions.

"Have you been here all night?" she asked softly

Xander looked from Buffy's face to the door hanging off its hinges and then back to Buffy's face. "A little impatient are we, Buff?" he said light heatedly.

"I was worried," Buffy said back to him.

Xander walked over and examined the door, noting that the hinges and deadbolt locks had been torn away from the wooden doorframe. "You know it's a good thing, I can repair this, otherwise my landlord would be kicking me out before the next month is due," Xander said as he picked up the door.

Buffy watched him go about his makeshift repair as if it was the most normal thing in shock. She walked over and took hold of his arm. "Xander, what are doing?" she asked trying to keep the tone a little down from hysteria.

Xander shrugged his arm away from Buffy's grasp. It felt too much like a detaining grip to him, and considering she had just burst through his door, breaking it down in the process, he had no inclination to put up with Buffy's mood. "I'm just seeing if I can fix the door for the night," he replied a little irritated that Buffy seemed not to care.

"Xander, stop!" Buffy pleaded.

There was something in her voice that convinced Xander to put the door down and turn around. She sounded almost desperate. "Buffy, what's wrong?"

"Oh my god!" Buffy replied bringing her hand up to her mouth. She realised Xander had no idea how long they had been trying to contact him. He had no idea just where he was meant to be tonight. "Xander, we've been trying to phone you for over an hour. I was outside for 10 minutes before I broke down the door."

Xander took in what Buffy had told him, then shrugged. "Sorry Buffy, I must have dozed off." He didn't really believe that he had dozed off, but the last thing he wanted was a psycho-analysation from Buffy. Not when he wasn't sure how he hadn't heard the phone himself.

For her part, Buffy didn't believe Xander either. From her own experienced and Anya's stories, she knew that Xander had been having blackouts. Anya hadn't been able to get through to him, even after they broke up, and Buffy only hoped that she could.

"Don't you remember the dinner we had planned tonight? You were going to come over to have dinner with Dawn and I."

As he searched his memory, Xander suddenly remembered the look on Dawn's face when he had said yes. Without any conscious plan, he had seen less and less of Dawn in the last few months, something Buffy had subtly reminded him of, and when he had agreed to come to dinner, Dawn's face had lit up. 

"Oh, shit," he cursed. "Is Dawn really pissed at me?"

"She's really worried, Xander. We all are." Buffy paused not really knowing how to address what was happening to one of her best friends. In the end she only had one suggestion. "I want you to come back to my place." 

Xander was about to protest, when Buffy added, "just for tonight, okay?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm fine Buffy, really. Anyway, I can't leave the apartment till the door is fixed."

"Okay, then I'll stay here,' Buffy said just a little too bubbly. She knew just how much Xander wouldn't want that.

"You can't leave Dawn by herself," Xander argued.

"Well then, fix the door and come back with me," Buffy replied, before playing her trump card. "Dawn would be really upset if you didn't come back."

Xander inwardly cursed Buffy's name with words that he wouldn't even use at the construction site. He could also tell by the slightly upturned edges of her lips, that she knew she had hit his weak spot.

"That wasn't very fair," Xander simply stated.

"I know," Buffy replied, feeling very happy, before getting serious for a moment. "But it's also the truth."

Buffy was determined that someone would get through to Xander, and if it wasn't going to be Anya or herself, that maybe Dawn would be able to break through whatever barriers Xander was putting up around himself.

******************

Just over an hour later, Xander had managed to fix the door well enough, at least to his satisfaction for them to leave. During that time Buffy and him had not spoken much, other than the odd bit of gossip that Buffy passed along to him. 

When they arrived at Buffy's place, one of the first things he saw was Dawn looking out of her window down at the driveway. Because of the distance between the two, he couldn't tell if she was pissed off at him, or just worried. But judging by big sister's actions, he decided that it was probably a mixture of both.

That feeling was re-inforced when for the first time in quite a while, Dawn didn't come down to welcome him. He didn't make comment on that to Buffy, but he got he feeling that she noticed it as well.

"Do you want a coffee?" she asked as she closed the front door.

"No thanks. I think I'll just head to bed," Xander replied feeling tired but also wanting to avoid any interrogation.

Buffy was about to argue, but thought better of it. She had gotten a small victory by having him in the house, and she decided it was a good place to stop for the night. "You know where the spare room is," she simply stated.

Xander nodded and picked up his bag, carrying it upstairs. He doubted he would get much sleep tonight, but being alone was suddenly very appealing.

*************

Buffy was just about to go to bed, having finished her second cup of coffee and a chapter of her latest book she had bought. She went to turn out the lights, when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Looking over towards the entrance, she wasn't all that surprised to see Dawn come around the corner. 

"Hey, shouldn't you be in bed, by now?" she chided her little sister.

"Can't sleep," she moaned as she slumped herself down in the chair next to he sister.

"What's up?" 

Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Take a guess."

"Okay, silly question," Buffy admitted. "But he's okay, and he's safe."

Dawn shook her head. "Is he? It's not him. I mean I know it's him, but...he's different."

"How do you mean?" Buffy asked. She could see that Xander was acting different, but Dawn may have a different perspective on what was happening, and it this point Buffy was open to any idea.

"Last summer. He, he...I don't think I would've made it if it wasn't for him. And now, we hardly talk."

Buffy reached over and patted her sister's hand. She could understand the feeling of abandonment Dawn was feeling. "He still cares for you a great deal,' Buffy replied that feeling a little guilty she added, "I had to use your name to get him to come back here."

Dawn couldn't help but smile. "Well that's something." Her face lost its smile as she tried to explain to Buffy what she was feeling. "Sometimes he looks at me, as if he is a million miles away, and then other times, he stares so deeply at me. He's just different."

"Have you talked to him about this?" Buffy asked.

Dawn just shook her head. "Have you tried to talk to Xander lately?"

Buffy just gave her sister a resigned smile and shrugged. "Maybe you'll have better luck?"

"I doubt it, but I'll see," Dawn said getting up from her chair.

"Oh, Dawn, don't wake him up," Buffy warned.

Dawn, who by this time had reached the stairs, turned and poked her head around the corner. "Do you really think he's asleep?"

Judging by the look on Buffy's face, Dawn knew that she didn't either.

****************

Xander's steady contemplation of the walls, of what used to be Buffy's room, was broken by the light rapping of knuckles against the door. He was going to ignore it, and feign sleeping, but he could tell the knock was not from Buffy. And if it wasn't from Buffy then it was from only one other person. 

"It's open, Dawn," he called out.

The door gently opened and he could see that Dawn stepped in with a little trepidation. "I thought you would be asleep," she said.

Xander couldn't resist smiling. "No you didn't, but that's okay." He sat up on the bed and reached over and grabbed his shirt, which was next to the bed, placing his arms through and pulling it over his torso.

Once he was more suitably attired, he looked over to Dawn and saw that she hadn't moved from the doorway. "Did you want to take a seat?" Xander asked indicating the end of the bed.

Dawn hesitated for a moment before accepting his offer and took a seat at the end of the bed. Xander knew that Dawn wanted to ask about 'everything' but was to shy around him these days to start. And while Xander didn't want to answer any questions, the fact that Dawn, someone that Xander had given Carte Blanche to ask any question, was nervous around him affected him more that any question she could ask.

"I won't bite," he said softly.

"I know you won't," she replied with a little smile.

It was the first time she had smiled since she entered his room and it lit up Xander's heart. "Thank you," he told her.

Dawn looked confused. "What for?"

"For smiling," Xander replied.

Dawn blushed a little, but appreciated the comment. It sounded more like the Xander she missed. "I'm worried about you," she stated looking at him squarely in the eye.

"I don't mean to make you all worry."

"I can't believe you and Anya broke up," Dawn commented. Though at one time she had thought less then pleasant things about the ex-vengeance demon, the Scooby Gang as a whole bonded over the summer following Buffy's death. Grief was a powerful bonding agent.

"I know," Xander replied. "That's my fault, but I think it had been coming for a while."

"Yeah," Dawn agreed. All of the gang had seen the relationship deteriorate over the months, and although they used to never think Xander and Anya would break up, deep down if they admitted it to themselves, no-one was all that shocked when they did. 

"So you still can't remember anything?" she asked, suddenly changing the subject.

Xander had to admire Dawn's spirit and knew that she had worked up a lot of courage to ask such a direct question. He shook his head at her. "Still drawing a blank."

"Why can't you let it go?" she asked.

Xander shook his head in frustration. "I just can't, Dawnie."

"But it's killing you!" Dawn shouted back at him, a few tears falling from her eyes. She had finally told him what her fear was and now the stopgap on her emotions was broken. "You're dying inside, Xander. Can't you feel it?"

Xander reached over and grabbed hold of her and held her tightly to his chest. "It'll be alright," he softly said trying to calm her.

"Xander! I'm not a little kid anymore," Dawn told him, annoyed at his attempt to calm her fears. "You can't just tell me everything is alright and expect me to swallow it."

Dawn's rebuff of his hug, hurt him more than his words, but he knew she was telling the truth. When you lose your Mother and Sister in one year, you tend to grow up quickly. Added to that the life on the Hellmouth, and Dawn was probably the most 'grown up' fifteen-year-old in Sunnydale.

"I don't know what to tell you," Xander said gently. "But it's something I have to work through."

"Why can't we help?"

"I wish you could," Xander said truthfully. "But there's this whole in my being, Dawn. I can't ignore and I can't fill it." He grabbed her hand and held it tight. "No matter how much people I love want to help."

Dawn wiped away the last of her tears and smiled back. "What If I can't help but worry."

Xander opened his arms and was glad when Dawn accepted his hug. "Then I would tell you, don't ever change."

End Part Five


	6. Six

Part Six

Part Six

"Why are you here?"

"What?" Xander asked turning around to face his addresser. The last thing he expected was to find, when he returned from work was the Summers House full of people. But that wasn't the least of his shocks. In the few small moments it took him to turn around, he got a bigger shock as the realisation of who had said those words to him, hit him. 

"Hi Cordy" he said to her, his eyebrows asking what she was doing here.

"Hey, Xan," she responded, nonchalantly, as if it was no big thing to be saying hello to Xander Harris.

Xander, for his part, scrunched his eyes and face in response to the way Cordelia addressed him. If anyone was going to ask why someone was here, surely it was going to be him, not the other way around. As far as Xander knew, sans Buffy's funeral, Cordelia had not set foot in Sunnydale since she finished high school.

"It's good to see you," Xander finally replied, after a few seconds. "You're looking good."

His compliment was met with a trademark Cordelia Chase grin, one that said, of course I do and thanks in the same breath. "Thanks," she said, before raising herself, with her feet, and peering over Xander's shoulder.

The look in her eyes was enough to tell him, that Cordelia had spotted something, and the look she gave him made her next words immaterial.

"I'll see you later," she told him as she walked around the left side of him, leaving Xander standing there more confused than ever. "Yeah, okay. Catch you later," he muttered under his breath, only too himself, as Cordelia had long since gone.

Shaking his head as he moved across the room, Xander managed to avoid a number of people he knew from his high school years and plenty that he didn't. When he reached the kitchen he was surprised to see Dawn working behind the counter. More than that, she was so busy, she had yet to see him come in. There was something about her that was different, but he couldn't pick it. Then, as he looked closer, he wondered if she had gotten her hair cut, as it looked different that the night before. He was just about to walk up to her and surprise her, when he was intercepted by someone, who spun him around and pulled him away from the kitchen.

"Wesley!" Xander exclaimed, in shock at seeing the former watcher, as much as surprise at being yanked away.

"Xander, do you know why you're here?" Wesley whispered urgently in Xander's face.

Putting aside his rising anger at being pushed around in what was now his home, Xander looked closely at Wesley, trying to see if there was any clue to his behavior in his eyes. "Umm, Wes, you and Cordy haven't been smoking anything you shouldn't be?"

"Quickly, this way," Wesley replied, ignoring Xander's question, with out comment or protest, as he virtually dragged Xander to another room. "Go in there for now," he ordered as he opened a door and pushed Xander inside, closing the door after Xander had gone all the way through.

"Umm, good to see you too Wes," Xander said to the closed door, as he tried to work out what the hell was going on. He was pretty sure his birthday was still a way away, so he hadn't walked in on a surprise party. But something had definitely brought Wesley and Cordelia to Sunnydale, and if they were here, no doubt Angel would be as well. 

"Ah, just the bright and sunny thought I needed," Xander muttered to himself. He was about to try and open the door, when the sound of pulsating music behind him took his attention.

Turning around he walked the short few metres across to the entrance of the Bronze, trying hard to think of what band was playing. Realising someone inside would know, he gave the attendant at the door a wave, thankful that there was no cover on tonight's gig, as for the life of him he couldn't remember where his wallet was. 

As he walked inside, it also hit him that he couldn't remember how he had gotten to the bronze as quick as he did. Putting that forgetfulness down to being pre-occupied about something, Xander gave a grin and wave as he saw Buffy, Willow and Tara sitting around one of the tables. 

"Hey," he said as he made his way over to them and took a seat.

"There you are Xander, we thought you'd gotten lost," Willow said with a cheery smile.

"Yeah, cause I've never walked from Buffy's place to the Bronze before," Xander laughed at Willow's obviously tongue in cheek comment.

"Well, you're finally where you're meant to be," Buffy added, very matter of fact.

"Oookaaay," Xander replied, drawing out the word as long as was humanly possible. "Umm, you do know that Dawnie is having a raging party back at the house?"

"Do you wanna dance?" Buffy asked, seemingly oblivious to anything Xander had previously said.

"You're not worried about her?" Xander asked, feeling stranger and stranger by the minute. Even though Dawn no longer had to worry about being 'the Key', Buffy had been no less protective of her since she had come back. 

"She's a big girl, Xander," Willow responded to his question. 

Turning around to answer his life long friends comment, Xander responded, "Yeah, cause she's a really big 16 year old."

Xander felt the soft touch of a hand on his shoulder, and quickly glanced up to see that it was Tara, who stood behind gently touching his shoulder, as if she was trying to reassure him.

"She hasn't been sixteen for a long time," she told him, though Xander could've swore the words, flowed through him, more than at him.

He then watched as Willow and Tara stood up and embraced their hands, and walk off silently, disappearing a few moments later into the crowd. "Where did they go?" he asked Buffy, who hadn't commented as the two friends had walked away.

"We haven't known for years," she responded before grabbing Xander's hand and leading him to the dance floor. Not knowing what to make of all of this, Xander let himself be led, and accepted Buffy's embrace as the band changed tempo and started playing a slow song. As he felt Buffy rest her head against, he let himself enjoy the feeling of being close to someone. It wasn't romantic, but he took great warmth being there with one of his best friends. His nirvana was broken however as he saw a flash of brown hair move across in front of him. Lifting his head, he was almost sure that it was Dawn, walking towards the bar. 

"Hey, Buffy. Is that Dawn over there?" he asked, still looking at the girl whom he swore was his younger roommate. But as she had yet to turn and face him, he still wasn't sure. 

"Buffy!" Xander said louder this time, when Buffy hadn't responded to the first question. He looked down and noticed that she had gone from his arms. Quickly turning his head, left and right, Xander couldn't believe that not only had she left without saying goodbye, but she had also been so quick she was no longer in sight.

Thinking that she may have seen Dawn and gone after her, to administer her own special kind of sisterly concern, Xander started moving off in the direction of the where he had last thought he had seen the younger Summer's sister. Not having any luck, he thought to check the alley outside, and after sidestepping a few of the patrons, he made it to the door. 

He ignored the bouncer, who tied to give him a pass out stamp and quickly stepped outside, hoping to see a sign of either Summers sister. Not for one moment had he forgotten that this was Sunnydale and as much as Dawn may protest it differently, there were more dangerous things in the night than an over-protective sister.

However there was no sign of them. Deciding that it had been a long enough night, Xander started off towards the direction of his home, now more than ever looking forward to a good nights sleep.

Taking a turn at the end of the street, he quickly walked up the steps of the Summers house, and used his key to let himself in. He was amazed that not only had the crowd dispersed from earlier, but they had also managed to clean up so well, that if he hadn't been there earlier, Xander would've doubted there had ever been a party in the first place. 

He tried to be as quiet as possible as he walked up the stairs, thinking that everyone else must've been asleep. As he reached the second level, he was surprised to hear Dawn call out to him. "Xander is that you?" she asked.

"Yeah. Did I wake you?" Xander replied stopping outside his room. He was surprised to realise that Dawn was obviously sleeping in Buffy's room, Joyce's old room. 

"No, I was waiting up?" Dawn replied.

Xander couldn't resist a smile. "When did the party end?"

"What party?" Dawn asked innocently.

"You know that one that Wesley and Cordelia were at," he replied, walking over to the door of Buffy's room.

"When did they get here?" 

Xander could hear in Dawn's reply that she was quite upset at that thought that she'd missed them. And although he couldn't be 100% sure, he had known Dawn long enough to rule out that she was joking with him. And that started to really worry him. "Dawn, can I come in?" Xander asked knocking on her door.

After a few seconds of no response, Xander knocked again, more urgently this time. "Dawn!"

When there was still no response, Xander turned the doorknob and pushed open the door, the worry for Dawn's safety, overriding any worries about privacy. His concern only rose, as he saw that she was no where to be found, and the bed still looked like it had been just slept in.

A crash of broken glass drew him over to the bedroom window, where apart from a strong wind, and a now, newly smashed window, there was no sign of her. He stepped closer and peered outside, when someone reached in and grabbed him, pulling him outside the window. His arms and shoulders scraped against the jagged edges of the broken glass, smashing out what little glass had been left in the pane. 

As Xander felt himself falling to the ground, her turned his body and caught a glimpse of the person, or as he had always said, the thing, that threw him to the ground. But it was only a moment. Another moment later, his body impacted on the grass outside. 

Xander raised himself out of bed, sick to the back teeth of the all too familiar dreams and nightmares that plagued his sleep. He especially hated the ones, like tonight, that only let you go when you fell from some sort of height. The sinking feeling that you got when you woke up after falling was an all too familiar sensation to Xander, but the impact of that night's adventures had left more of a emotional toll than any other previous dreams. 

As he lay there, slowly getting his bearings, it suddenly occurred to him, that unlike a few other similar experiences he could actually remember clearly a few things that had happened. For some reason, Wesley and Cordelia were there, and he had the uncanny feeling that they had been in some of his others. But the one image that stayed with him, the face that he had now imprinted firmly in his mind, one that was linked to both Wesley and Cordelia. 

Angel.

**************

"I don't want you to leave," Dawn protested across the kitchen table.

Both Buffy and Dawn had expressed shock at Xander's suggestion he go to LA for a while and see if it helped him. But while Buffy stood silently, not commenting on the fact she didn't want him to leave, her younger Sister had no such qualms. 

"I won't be gone forever," Xander replied, trying to make Dawn understand as carefully as he could.

"But you don't know when you will be back," Dawn responded, this time quieter, and without looking at him. Her focus was firmly on the bowl of cereal in front of her. 

"No, I don't. It could be a few days, maybe a few weeks. But I think I can find some answers there."

"But you promised. You said you wouldn't leave." Dawn protested again, this time her words hitting Xander hard in the heart. He clearly remembered those words, spoken sincerely to a fragile Dawn in the weeks after Buffy had died. He had meant what he said, with every fibre of his body at that time. But he hadn't, and there was no way he could've, foreseen the events to come. 

He got up from around the table and kneeled down at the side of her chair, gently taking her hand in his. "I've got to do this," he said gently.

For a moment, Xander thought that she saw some acceptance in her eyes, but then she reefed her hand out of his and took off, running out of the kitchen. It was only the sound of her footsteps gave Xander and Buffy a clue as to where she had gone.

Xander, who had not moved till he no longer heard the footsteps on the second floor, got himself up and turned around slowly to face Buffy. He could see that she was feeling bad about all of this, and gave her a little smile, with the shrug of his shoulder, to tell her he appreciated it.

"She'll be okay," Buffy told him.

"Yeah, I know. I'll talk to her later, before I go," Xander replied.

"I wish you didn't have to go, too, Xander," she told him softly.

"But you understand why?" Xander asked, understanding what Buffy was saying.

Buffy nodded. "And it's only for a few weeks, right."

"Yeah, should be. Maybe not even that long." He walked over to the kitchen bench and lent down on it. "I think that I may find some answers there." Xander shook his head. "Well, okay it's a long shot, and I'm not fooling myself about that. But it is the best show I've got. I can't go on like this Buffy. I need some peace."

Buffy could understand what Xander was saying. As much as she had seen him improve over the months he had stayed with them, Buffy could still tell there was something missing from the Xander they all use to know. 

"I hope you find what you're looking for, Xan."

"Yeah," Xander responded quietly, "me too."

"Just remember you're home is here, now, okay?"

"Always, Buffy. Always," 

**************

Los Angeles

"Is Angel not up yet?" Wesley asked as he looked around the offices of the Hyperion Hotel. He had only recently gotten back from an errand, and as far as he knew they all had a meeting in about five minutes. 

"Not yet," Cordelia responded, briefly looking up from her computer terminal, and not really concerned about her friends/boss's lateness.

Wesley muttered, "okay," and turned to head over to where Gunn was busy looking through a couple of books, with Fred. 

"Anything interesting?" Wesley asked as he rocked up next to him. 

"Boring as a game of cricket," Gunn replied, still having painful thoughts about Wesley's 'attempt' to introduce the others to the quaint English game. 

"Well, that must be pretty boring then," Angel joked as he made his way down the stairs, noticing that Fred had immediately turned and beamed a smile at him.

He was going to say hi, when his attention was taken away by some movement at the front entrance. When Angel saw who it was, he only did what seemed natural and stood there stunned. Not believing that he would ever see that particular person in his own home.

The others, who had been waiting for Angel's next words, turned to see what he was looking at, all of them a little shocked to see who was standing there.

"Xander!" Cordelia, Wesley and Angel all said at the same time.

End part six


	7. Seven

Part Seven _Song Lyrics copyright - Alex Lloyd and EMI Australia - My Way Home._

Part Seven

Given the collective histories of four people in the room, it was perhaps not surprising that the first people to actually move, after what seemed the longest and most awkward thirty seconds, they had witnessed, were Gunn and Fred. Not that actually said anything, they just seemed to be breathing. Which judging by the others lack of movement, they seemed to have forgotten how to.

"I didn't really think I would've that much affect on you," Xander wryly quipped, recognizing that something had to be done to break the tension that had seemed to have settled down on the room.

"Xander, sorry. We just..." Wesley started, as he walked over towards him.

Xander gave the Englishman a grin and extended his hand. "I expect I was the last person you wanted to see."

As Wesley shook Xander's hand, Cordelia came forward and wrapped her arms around him. "Not, wanted. Expected Xander. God!" she squeaked as she hugged him warmly.

While the mutual welcoming society was occurring on one side of the room, Gunn moved over to where Angel was just standing there watching. "You know him?"

"Yeah." Angel's reply was succinct.

Gunn nodded, quickly getting the picture. "So who got the girl?"

"I did actually," Angel responded, a little annoyed that Gunn could have reduced the history of Angel and Xander's relationship into a simple phrase.

"Buffy?" Fred asked, not really needing too. She knew that there was only one girl in Angel's past.

Angel simply nodded.

Across the way, Cordelia had moved back a little from Xander and was looking him up and down. "Not bad," she commented. "Still a few pointers could help."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Xander responded, easily picking the slightly tongue in cheek comment from Cordelia.

"I find it best to take one, when you can," Wesley added to the joke, and looked like he enjoyed it.

"Hey!" Cordelia protested, but was laughing at the same time. Standing there face to face with her high school ex, Cordy did wonder why she had been worried about meeting him again. But for some reasons she had avoided any contact with him since High School finished, even moving to Los Angeles without telling him. She found it hard to believe now, but she thought it would be easier doing it the way she did. The only real contact they had over the last three years was at Buffy's funeral, and that wasn't the place, nor was there the time for a proper reunion.

Xander for his part felt much the same. He had no ill feelings towards her, but it had been easier in the beginning to simply put her behind him. Not that he thought of her romantically anymore. But the time they were together in High School left her a special part of his heart.

"You look good, Cordy," Xander told her. "And you to Wesley," he added, trying to quickly establish a bridge to his former adversary of Cordelia's heart.

"Thanks. It's good to see you again," Wesley said to him, forgetting that he had already said much the same thing to him earlier.

They were interrupted by a, not too subtle, cough from across the room. The three of them looked up and noticed that the other three, looked less than impressed in being left out of the conversation.

"Umm, hello other people in the room. Since Dark and Handsome here isn't going to the introductions," he said looking pointedly at Angel, to which Angle rolled his eyes slightly. "I'm Gunn."

Xander walked over and shook the man's hand. He had heard about Gunn through general group gossip but had never met him. Nor the young lady standing next to him. 

"Xander," he replied, before offering his hand to the woman.

"Winifred," she said with a slight pacing problem. "Fred for short."

Xander shook her hand warmly, and gave her a grin, Fred's infectious little quirks already lightening his mood.

Everyone in the room seemed to realise at the same time that with everyone else's introductions out of the way, there was only one to go. The both stared at each other, looking a little like combatants across a field of battle, when both of them spoke at once.

"Xander, I..." Angel spoke.

"Look, this..." Xander spoke.

The word collision had given them both a reason to laugh, and broke the awkwardness. 

"We're cool," Xander said nodding to Angel, who replied, with his own nod.

"So, for what do we owe the pleasure?" Cordelia asked.

Xander moved over and took a seat, placing his bag next to his chair. "Well, it's a long story."

******************

As Angel watched Cordelia lead Xander up the stairs at the Hyperion, Fred watched Angel. She could see that there was something about Xander's words that troubled him. 

"Are you okay?" she asked, turning to see the last of Xander as he disappeared around a corner. "He seemed like a nice guy."

Angel seemed momentarily distracted, before shrugging and looking at Fred. "He is, usually."

"Then what is it."

"It's just that...well, I never thought Xander would leave Sunnydale. He and all of them have had many chances to do so, but they all decided to stay. Xander pretty much dedicated his life to protecting Buffy, Dawn and the rest of them."

"People do change, sometimes," Fred offered, knowing that unlike Angel she had no memory of Xander to compare to.

Angel shook his head. "Not Xander. He may have pissed me off, but I was sure of a number of things of him. One of them being his loyalty to Buffy and Dawn. He's not telling us all of it."

To Fred there was a simple solution. "Call Buffy, then."

"It's not that simple..." Angle started before being cut off by Fred.

'Yes it is. I know I've never met her, but from what you've told me, if you're worried about him, than Buffy definitely would be."  


"I have to agree, Angel," Wesley added as he and Gunn walked back into the office. "Xander was holding something back. And his reason for being here was a little weak."

Angel looked back and forth between his friends and saw that they were all in agreement. He was about to say something when Cordelia walked in.

"I'm calling Willow. Something's up."

******************

Dawn had just closed her eyes when the phone in Buffy's room started to ring. Normally she would've let it ring, but she hoped that Xander might have been ringing her. 

'Them,' she told herself, as if by repeating it would help her forget her own feelings. 'Them."

She didn't know how she would react to his voice. Even though he had told her that he was leaving, she hadn't expected him to go so soon. Rushing into Buffy's room, she grabbed the handset, and placed it to her ear.

"Summer's residence," she answered.

"Dawn?" Angel asked.

"Yeah, who's this?" Dawn replied, shaking the last vestiges of her almost sleep away.

"It's Angel. Is Buffy there?"

"Oh, hi Angel. Buffy's out, patrolling, with Willow and others," she told him, fairly certain that was where they were. "Can I take a message?"

Angel hesitated for a moment, wondering if Dawn was the right person to talk about Xander to. As Buffy had always told him, Angel saw Dawn as a little kid, and that would never change. "It's about Xander..."

At that moment all manner of worst case scenarios played out in Dawn's head. "Oh, no!" she gasped. "Is he..."

"He's fine," Angel quickly added, now more than ever wishing he hadn't brought it up. But now that he had, he knew he couldn't leave it like that. "He's staying here with me."

In spite of her worry, Angel's words had an immediate affect on Dawn. She tried not to, but couldn't help but laugh.

"I know," Angel agreed with her assessment of the situation. "But, I've got a big place."

"With Xander at one end, and you at the other, no doubt." Dawn added.

"Something like that," Angel agreed. "Only temporarily. I think."

Angel's last words hit home with Dawn. Despite Xander's protestations that it would be a short trip, there was something in his eyes that made her fear it would be a lot longer that he said. The last place she expected him to go was Angel's. Although in hindsight, it did make some sort of weird sense. But it only confirmed to Dawn that Xander hadn't been honest with them. And that worried her more.

"Is he really okay?" Dawn asked, her voice a lot more serious now.

"I think so. He didn't tell us a lot, but I think something is hurting him inside. I was hoping Buffy could tell me what's wrong."

Dawn shook her head. "I could probably tell you just as much, which isn't a lot. Xander wasn't big on sharing."

"So you really think he can't remember anything of that missing time," Angel asked delicately, knowing that even a subtle accusation against Xander wouldn't sit well with his number one fan.

"I think he is," Dawn replied, hiding the fact she wasn't totally sure.

"Okay. I'll let you get some sleep. Can you tell Buffy I rang?"

"I will," Dawn replied, almost hanging up. "Oh, Angel?" she said a little louder in case Angel had moved the headset from his ear.

"Yes, Dawn."

"Keep him safe." The words may have been softly spoken but the manner in which they were said, left Angel in no doubt of the promise Dawn was asking.

"I'll do whatever I can," he replied truthfully. No matter what their history held, keeping Xander safe was what Dawn and Buffy would want, and that was all the reason he needed. 

*****************

"So, we are going here, precisely why?" Xander asked as he looked at the thoroughly uninspiring entranceway.

"Because grumpy, we need some information," Cordelia replied. "Now prepare yourself, this is probably going to be a new experience for you. It's not your everyday night club."

Cordelia's words caused Fred to snicker, and in turning to look at her, Xander missed Cordelia's little smirk at what she said. Xander hadn't really wanted to go out, but after some friendly bugging from all of the others, he did so, just to shut them up. But they had all neglected to tell him, just what exactly made Caritas different.

Xander walking with Cordelia came in behind the others. As they approached the area where the bouncer checked for weapons, Xander's eyes started to go wide. He saw a demon, with a short horn sticking out of his forehead, patting Gunn down, but what freaked him more was the fact that everyone was acting as if it was the most normal thing in the world. When it came for his turn, he put aside his instinct to protest, and went with the flow.

But it was when he entered Caritas that he realised he wasn't in Kansas anymore. "What's going on here?" he asked Cordelia.

"Stay cool," she told him, noticing that by his look on his face, maybe they should've prepared him a little better. "No-one attacks anyone in here."

"But..." Xander started to argue, when he closed his mouth with one look from Cordelia.

"You're not in Sunnydale anymore. Things here are different."

"No kidding," Xander replied, repulsed at idea of socializing with demons. Before Xander could think of any more reasons to hate them all at that moment, the lights dimmed and a spotlight lit the stage. As the music started up, Xander got a glimpse of a green colored demon, who stepped into the light with a microphone. 

"Oh My god!" Xander exclaimed.

"Get over it," Cordelia responded a little sick of Xander's protest about demons by now.

"It's not that, Cordy," Xander answered, still looking shocked. "I just can't believe you actually brought me to a kareoke bar."

*************

As the green skinned demon bent over to bang out the last few notes, the patrons in the club all stood as one, in applause. Placing the microphone down, he spotted his friends sitting over at a table and moved over to them.

"Now if only Brittney could sing like that," he said with his trademark wit as he took a seat, noticing a new comer at the table. "And who do we have here?" he asked curious. 

"Xander, an old friend," Angel responded a little not committed.

"Not a close one, I see," Lorne commented, before looking at Xander. "Feel like hitting the stage?"

Xander had to resist the urge to cough up the drink he'd just sipped, but managed to get out his reply. "Umm, no. My singing pipes aren't the best."

"Doesn't stop anyone else," Lorne replied, as his ears took in the butchery that was "Nights in White Satin" on stage at that moment. "Besides, do you really want to be odd one out."

It took a couple of seconds for Xander to realise exactly what he had been told, but a quick glance around the table, seeing how all of his companions ducked their eyes from his, was enough to confirm his suspicions.

"Oh, I'd have paid good money to be here for that," he said, suddenly enjoying himself a whole lot more.

"Well, you'd be the only one," Lorne dryly added, noticing the indignant look Angel shot him. "Sorry, luv, but you may have the dark avenger thing down, but Sinatra you're not."

Turning back to Xander, he added. "You have some worries that much is clear, but I can't help you unless you sing."

Xander looked at him puzzled, which Lorne took to mean he had no idea of what he did. "I read people, help them find their paths."

Xander nodded, thinking of the possibilities. "But only if I sing right?"

"That's the catch."

"And you're sure you're not just into pain?" Xander joked while thinking over the possibility. On one hand he faced humiliation, on the other hand he might get some answers.

"What have I got to lose?" he said jokingly, trying to cover up his fright at the prospect of singing in front of the others. He followed Lorne over to booth and after a few minutes found a track he remembered from a couple of years back.

Lorne gave him an encouraging smirk, one which almost unsettled Xander as much as picked him, up before grabbing the microphone.

"We have a special treat for you all tonight. Direct from the Hellmouth, Xander Harris."

Xander groaned a little at his introduction, and saw that more than one demon had taken notice of the words, Hellmouth. Thankfully due to Buffy's record of killing demons, the chances of one of the demons in Caritas looking for revenge was low.

Xander took a deep breath as the lights dimmed and the music started. 

__

Something 'bout last night, what you say

Feels so cold on a sunny day

Overloaded mums that walk this path

Think about you in a daylight bath

I feel like this on my way home

No place I'm going to is known

You're the sun, that's in my eye

I concede I will survive

Consequence, you come what may

You let me run, you let me hide

I'm coming home

Sky's so dark, dark and blue

Picture shaped clouds of you know who

Looking for a sign in the midnight sun

Frighten myself isn't that much fun

I feel like this on my way home

No place I'm going to is known

You're the sun, that's in my eye

I concede I will survive

Consequence, you come what may

You let me run, you let me hide

I'm coming home

While Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred were intently watching Xander on stage, Angel was preoccupied with the reaction Lorne was having. He had been in Caritas enough to know that Lorne hardly ever showed his hand, but this time, Angel swore he could almost see his friends mind working in overdrive. 

__

You're the sun, that's in my eye

I concede I will survive

Consequence, you come what may

You let me run, you let me hide

I'm coming home

Coming Home, Coming Home

I feel like this on my way,

I feel like this on my way,

I feel like this on my way,

I feel like this on my way home

Not waiting for Xander to come off stage, Angel went up to Lorne and asked him straight. "Is he in trouble?"

"This is for his ears, Angel cakes," Lorne replied seriously, before walking up to the stage and getting the whole crowd to give Xander a warm reception, leaving an increasingly impatient vampire, waiting by the bar.

End Part Seven


	8. Eight

Part Eight

The tapping of his fingers drummed a beat to the tune some new demon had begun to sing on the kareoke stage. But even though it was Xander's own fingers providing the accompaniment, Xander himself had yet to realise it. Both his gaze and his thoughts were all centered around one thing. A six feet tall, green skinned, red horned, bar owning and singing demons, who looked like he had just brushed off Angel and was now walking, or to be more precise swaggering over to where Xander had taken a seat. Relying on the advice of a demon wasn't on Xander's first list of smart things to do, but Cordelia and the others had assured him the Lorne knew his stuff.

"Well, no need to sing again for me to see how impatient you are," Lorne said as he took a seat opposite Xander.

"Well I'm hoping that god things will come to me, if I wait," Xander replied, surprising himself that he could think of a humorous response at a time like this. 

"That's good," Lorne remarked approvingly. "I can see why your friends think highly of you. Especially that Cordelia. I always knew there was a little voice in the back of her head asking about a guy in Sunnydale..."

Xander couldn't believe that the one thing that held his future in his hand, had gone off on an un-related tangent. "Fascinating as that is," Xander said interrupting Lorne in mid sentence.

One look into Xander's eyes, told Lorne that his customer tonight was in no mood for stalling. No matter how much Lorne wanted to. "Okay, okay. But first. Answer me truthfully. Why did you come to L.A.?"

Xander was about to object again, when Lorne held his hand up and silenced him.

"I'm not an A.T.M. You want something from me, you've got to give me something. It's called interacting." Lorne held out his hands as if he was proving to Xander he held no tricks up his sleeve. "That's just the type of demon I am."

Part of Xander was ready to just walk out. He didn't suffer demons lightly in the best of occasions, but the green coloured one in front of him had just about worn out Xander's internal 'pissed off' metre. However the need to know anything, even if the source was just a little dubious to him, outweighed his own wish to leave.

"I had a dream. In it were Wesley and Cordelia, two people I have seen hardly anything of for three years, and yet they were there vividly. So I took a chance, slim as it was, that they might be able to help."

The Host nodded as if Xander's answer had answered some unasked question in his head. "You have good instincts my friend. You should follow them through."

Xander had no response to that and sat there waiting for what he assumed would be the first of more insights into his problems. Looking at The Host, however, it seemed as though he was sitting back as if waiting for a standing ovation. The realisation that he wasn't going to get anymore information from Lorne hit Xander hard.

"Is that all!" Xander shouted at him as he got to his feet.

"I can only tell you what I can tell you," Lorne responded calmly, if a little defensively.

Xander was about to make a move towards Lorne, when he saw that a couple of the bouncers had become aware of his outburst. "You know what. Screw You. I'm going home." Xander pushed the table out of the way and stormed off, slightly knocking Cordelia, who had gotten up to see if he was okay, off balance as he stormed past, seemingly unaware of what he had done.

Lorne watched Xander leave with a touch of sadness. He hated doing what he had done. But sometimes in his line of work, he had no choice. "I wish you could go home kid," he said softly as Xander exited the bar. Then shaking his head he reached over and picked up a drink. "But I doubt, they'll let you."

****************

After Xander had pushed his way past Cordelia, thankfully Wesley had been alert enough to steady her as she started to fall backwards. Once they were both sure of their footing, they turned to where Xander had exited and saw that he was no longer in sight.

"That didn't seem to go well," Wesley commented.

"We better..." Cordelia started.

"Go and see if he is okay," Angel told them. "I think Lorne has some explaining to do."

Wesley and Cordelia nodded and walked swiftly outside. As they hit the sidewalk, Cordelia looked to her left, and Wesley turned to the right, both looking for any sign of a retreating Xander. 

"Can you see him?" Wesley asked as he squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to the combination of moonlight and the artificial glare of the overhead streetlights and signs.

"No, I can't...wait, Oh God! There he is," Cordelia called, pointing over to where a body lay on the ground.

They both rushed over to where Xander had slumped on the pavement. When Wesley arrived he reached down and to his great relief found a pulse, which beat strongly in his veins. Looking him over, he could see no outward sign of anything that could have knocked Xander out.

"Xander! Can you here me?" Cordelia asked, the concern in her words obvious to anyone who was listening.

"He's unconscious Cordy," Wesley cautioned, though hoping Cordy's words would bring Xander out of it. "Go and get the others."

Cordelia knew it wasn't really an order, but she still looked at him like he had grown an extra head. "I'll make sure he's okay," he told her gently. 

Cordelia knew he was right. Out of the two of them, Wesley was the better one to be on guard duty. "I'll be back in a second," Cordelia told him, before running back into the entrance of Caritas.

*************

"What did you say to him?" Angel asked, a little annoyed that Lorne had tried to walk away as soon as he saw Angel approaching.

"That's between us, you know, like Client privilege, except with more integrity," Lorne retorted.

"Xander doesn't usually run out knocking Cordy over with out realising it, after getting just normal news."

"What can I say, maybe he didn't like the messenger."

"If you were always this annoying, none of us would like you," Gunn replied. 

Lorne rolled his eyes. "Oh that's rich coming from you. You and he would make great friends. Both have definite anti-demon streaks buried deep within you."

Gunn shook his head, annoyed that Lorne had once again tried to tie him into the actions of his old gang. It had been over a year since the massacre Lorne spoke of, but Gunn felt he used that memory whenever he went on the defensive.

"And with such a wonderfully friendly example in front of him, you did nothing to change our minds," Gunn spat out, before turning away.

"Do you have to keep bringing that up?" Angel asked wearily.

"You know...Yes."

"I never thought you'd be vindictive."

Lorne and Angel both turned at the sound of the voice. She had been so quiet that they had almost forgotten that she was there, but Fred's voice, tinged with her unmistakable accent hit Lorne hard. He had a soft spot for her. Always had since they had found her in Pylea. Part of it was respect. Any human that could survive five years on his world deserved that. But the fact she still had a semblance of innocence, well that was something that Lorne felt should be protected.

"You're right, look..." Lorne's words were interrupted by the arrival of Cordelia, looking just as frantic as she had done when she left Wesley on the footpath.

"Xander's unconscious!" she stated, knowing that was enough to get them moving.

Lorne looked towards the ceiling and shook his head and muttered softly to himself. "Sorry, kid." When he brought his face back down to face Angel, he saw that his friend was about to follow Cordelia. Lorne stuck his hand out and lightly pulled back on Angel's jacket. Quickly pulling back when Angel turned around, his face showing just how pissed off he was. 

"Whoa! No need to go all fangy on me." 

Angel could tell by the look on Lorne's face that the singing demon was feeling a little guilty. "What?" he asked a little impatiently.

"Take him back the hotel. He'll be okay in a few hours."

The words that Angel just heard filled him with a multitude of questions, but for now they would have to wait. He simply nodded at Lorne and as he turned to walk outside, he left his words floating on the breeze the internal air conditioners were providing around the bar.

"I'll be seeing you later."

"I really didn't need you to spell that out," Lorne muttered to himself, knowing that a much more difficult conversation was still to be had.

***************

The trip back to the Hyperion Hotel was spent mostly in silence. Gunn was still letting his anger slowly simmer out after his run in with Lorne. Angel was concentrating on both the road, and the fact that he was sure Lorne knew a lot more that he was saying. Wesley seemed more concerned with Cordelia, who seemed more concerned with Xander, something Fred remarked to herself would be funny, if one of them wasn't unconscious and playing an unwitting role in a minor love triangle.

Not that she thought Cordelia had any romantic thoughts towards Xander. In fact she was certain Cordelia was slowly developing her own feelings towards Wesley, not that Wesley noticed, nor that Cordelia knew what Wesley was feeling. 

Fred just had a better vantage point to take in all of the various players' looks, moods and body language.

After they had arrived back, Cordelia and Wesley took Xander to one of the adjacent rooms to the foyer, where a makeshift bed had been set up for this very occurrence. Fred had remarked one day that they needed a room on the ground floor where sick of injured people could rest. Her reasoning, which was based on a very sound premise, was that one of them always seemed to be hurting, and why make it harder for them, by having to go upstairs.

However once they had placed the unconscious form of Xander on the bed, they all found themselves with nothing to do. Gunn had left, telling them all he needed to clear his head, Cordelia didn't want to leave Xander's side, while Wesley didn't leave Cordelia's.

Which left Angel and Fred to do nothing more than to wait outside and try to keep busy. 

That was until, Wesley popped his head out from the doorway and told them that Xander had recovered. 

***********

As his eyes opened, the last thing, Xander expected to see was the concerned look of his one time High School girlfriend looking at him. 

"Hi, Cordy," he said, although by the tone of it, Cordelia knew it was also unasked question.

"You're back at the hotel," she answered what she thought he was asking. "Do you remember anything?"

Xander shrugged, letting out a deep breath. "I sang a song, got told some stuff and then woke up here."

"You don't remember being knocked out?" Cordelia asked worried that he might have a concussion.

Xander shook his head. "Nope, but then again, how did I get here?" He turned to see that Wesley had rejoined them, this time joined by Angel and Fred. 

"We found you unconscious on the footpath outside Caritas," Wesley answered. "But you don't seem to have been attacked, at least not physically."

"So you remember what Lorne said to you?" Angel asked.

"Umm, yeah. Basically I'll find my path and the truth in LA," Xander answered nonchalantly as if the answer held no importance in his thoughts. "SO how long have I been unconscious?"

"Umm, a few hours," Cordelia said looking around at the others, noticing that they seemed just as surprised at Xander's lack of caring about what Lorne had said. Considering how important it had been when he had arrived in LA less than two days previous, his attitude was more than puzzling. 

"You let us know if you need anything," Angel told him, before signaling to the others that he wanted to talk to them outside. Fred and Wesley noticed at once, but Cordelia didn't, something that amused Xander. 

"I think Angel wants to talk to you," Xander said pointing to where Angel was waiting at the door. 

"Oh," Cordelia said a little embarrassed. "You be okay?"

"I'm fine, Cordy. A little tired, but fine otherwise."

Cordelia smiled down at him and patted his arm. "We'll be outside if you want us."

Xander nodded and watched them all leave, Cordelia slowly closing the door behind her. 

As he lay there in the darkness, he started to think about all the things he had to do tomorrow. Finding a job and a place to live were number one on his list. He was sure if he could get a job in Sunnydale, finding one in the bigger city of Los Angeles shouldn't be a problem.

************

"Okay, what's wrong with this picture?"

Cordelia had only voiced what the rest of the them was thinking.

"He did seem a lot less driven," Fred added.

"Less driven? He's barely walking now," Cordelia replied, not liking the thought of what may have happened to him that was running around her head.

"I'm going back to see Lorne," Angel announced. 

"We're coming with you," Wesley said, already getting up to get his jacket. 

"No!" Angel adamantly stated. Noticing the shocked look on Wesley's face he added, "Sorry. It's just that I think Lorne is expecting me, and it might be something he'll only tell me."

"I don't like it, Angel," Wesley cautioned.

"Neither do I, but it is what it is." He grabbed the car keys and started to walk away. 

"Should we call Buffy?" Cordelia asked.

At the sound of his ex girlfriend's name, Angel froze for a moment, then turned. "Not yet. Hopefully we'll no more in a hour or so."

************

"We're closed!" Lorne shouted as he approached the doors to Caritas. He was dressed in one of his resplendent dressing gowns, a cocktail in one hand, and wasn't in a mood to be interrupted from his relaxation.

"Open up" Angel shouted, sure that the volume of his voice as well as it's tone would leave Lorne in no doubt who it was.

Lorne stopped and looked down. The fact that he knew this discussion was coming, even if a little sooner than he hoped, was no consolation to him. Telling Angel hadn't been in his original plans, but then again, he wasn't in charge of what information could be shared. Lorne did what he was told. That was the price of his talents. Knowing that he couldn't put it off any longer, he opened up the door and quickly drew back, as if he could tell Angel was going to come barging through.

Which considering just how quickly Angel made his way through the doorway, was a good move. 

"You didn't think that this could wait till, I don't know, maybe tomorrow?" Lorne asked Angel exasperated at having his rest interrupted.

"You know, it really couldn't," Angel replied, fighting the urge to grab Lorne by his lapels and push him up against the bar. His knowledge of the inhibiting spell was the only thing that prevented him from doing so. What did you do to him?"

Lorne couldn't help but laugh at the irony of Angel's question. "Believe it or not, Angel cakes, I did nothing."

"Funny, cause the Xander I know, would never have left either of the Summer's girls in Sunnydale for anything."

Lorne, who by now had made his way behind the bar, reached down and poured himself another drink. "Have a seat. Believe me you'll need it." 

**************

Approximately an hour later, Angel walked through the doors of The Hyperion, not really noticing that Wesley, Cordelia and Fred all seemed to be waiting for whatever news he had. Angel however felt like it was all a dream. What Lorne had told him had been hard to believe at first, but as Lorne slowly convinced him of his truthfulness, the realisation of what exactly was being en-trusted to him, slowly dawn on the soulful vampire. 

"Did Lorne have any news?" Wesley asked.

"No," Angel lied, inwardly wincing at how easy that was. He shuddered to think how easy it would become over time, to lie and deceive his closest friends.

"It was much like Xander said. Maybe this is more important to Xander than we thought. He may need to stay in LA till he works something out."

Cordelia watched as Angel walked over to the room where Xander had fallen asleep in. She was puzzled. Not so much by the thought that Xander would want to stay in LA, although that was weird beyond belief, but she could swear that Angel actually looked sad.

"Are you okay?" she asked as Angel opened up the door to Xander's room. 

"I'm fine," he said softly looking at Cordelia, before turning back and staring at the sleeping occupant of the room. The burden Angel carried weighed heavily on his heart, but even with it, he wagered that Xander's own burden had been greater this past year. 

"I'm sorry Xander,' he whispered.

End Part Eight


	9. Nine

Part Nine  
  
It never ceased to amaze Xander how a little good news, could make the whole world seem lighter. As he walked up to the front doors of the Hyperion Hotel, he actually stopped and took a literal second to smell...well he would've smelled the roses, but their seemed to be a distinct absence of them from the front of the hotel. Instead he just breathed in the air, ignoring the petrol fumes and other smells, and basked in the glory that was life, for a moment.  
  
As he entered the foyer, he tried to keep his feelings hidden, hoping to pull a little surprise as he let his friends in on the good news. However it only took one glance from Cordelia's curious eyes, coupled with an inquisitive raising of one of her eyebrows to break down Xander's false non-cholane. From there it was impossible to stop the grin from growing, till it had reached its full aperture.  
  
"What?" Cordelia asked, her, internal need to know all, running at overdrive.  
  
"Guess?" Xander replied, as he sat himself up on the counter and grinned goofily at her.  
  
Taking in his appearance, she almost bit at his prodding, but at the last moment, Cordelia decided that she could be just as aloof as he could. Probably more so.  
  
"No," she replied as he pushed him off the counter and struggled to keep her face straight as she saw Xander's crestfallen look.  
  
'Damn him and his guilt trip,' Cordelia thought.  
  
"Okay. You're moving back to Sunnydale?" Cordelia guessed. Not that she wanted Xander to leave. On the contrary, in the few short days since he arrived, Xander had not only fitted well into the group, but Cordelia had begun to remember the platonic reasons why she used to like hanging with him so much. The other reasons, using involving closet spaces and the like, were in the past, but that didn't diminish how much Cordelia was enjoying his company.  
  
"No," Xander replied looking a little hurt at the suggestion. This hadn't been the first time that Cordelia or Wesley hadn't very unsubtlety asked when he planned to return to Sunnydale. "Do you really want me to leave?"  
  
"No," Cordelia replied sincerely. "It's just it's your home, and I still find it hard to believe that you would leave."  
  
"You left," Xander countered.  
  
"Yes, I did," Cordelia admitted. "But I ran as much as left, Xan. I needed a new start. I don't think you're one for running."  
  
Xander could remember back those years, the things that happened in his senior year. The things he was responsible for.   
  
Cordelia could almost visualise the memories that Xander was running through by the look of sorrow in his eyes. She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it slightly. "It's in the past Xander. Forget it."  
  
Xander nodded, but didn't add anything. After a moment he gave Cordelia's hand a slight squeeze in return and let go, and ran his hand through his hair. "So, I got a job."  
  
Cordelia was a little surprised at the casual nature that Xander had finally told her the news, but by the smile that had re-appeared she knew how much it meant to him. "That's great," she said before giving him a hug, and adding a little squeal for good measure. She knew first hand just how difficult it could be to get a job, and no matter how weird she still felt that Xander could turn his back on Sunnydale, this was news worth celebrating.  
  
As they let go, Xander saw Wesley and Angel walk out from the office, after having been alerted to his presence by Cordelia's squeal when he told her the news.  
  
"Good News?" Wesley asked as he walked up to them.  
  
"You bet," Xander replied. "I start a new job tomorrow at a construction site downtown."  
  
"That's great news," Angel said, offering his hand. "Congratulations."  
  
Xander took Angel's hand warmly and shook it, not seeing the look the passed between Wesley and Cordelia. Angel however did, and wondered if for a moment he was overdoing things. But on the other hand, he reasoned, getting a job was well worth celebrating.  
  
Wesley stepped forward and shook Xander's hand after Angel, simply telling him, "congratulations."  
  
  
********************  
  
  
Buffy sat at the table staring at the letter that was in front of her. It had been a week since Xander had walked out of Sunnydale, and although she was concerned fro the well being of her friend, her sister's reaction had concerned her more. And now that Xander had sent a letter, not called, or, as Dawn had expected, come home, Buffy could only imagine it wouldn't be the news they were looking for. The gang had thought Dawn's crush had long since vanished, but Buffy had seen it in Dawn's eyes two nights ago, that it wasn't the case. If anything the 'crush' had grown and changed to something that Buffy herself didn't quite understand. It was completely innocent. The one thing Buffy was sure of was that Xander wasn't trying some far out seduction technique on her little sister. But whatever was between them, and Buffy had never pushed either her sister or Xander on the matter, was stronger than any bond Dawn had felt before.  
  
Then in that one night, it had all changed. And even though the intelligent part of her brain would tell her otherwise, Buffy sometimes still felt responsible. It didn't matter how much she knew Xander wouldn't have done anything different. But because of his selfless act, he had come back different. Almost as though he was missing something. His engagement had fallen apart not long after that, though the actual break up took longer. And then just a week ago, Xander had done the one thing she never thought he would do.  
  
He left Sunnydale. He left his friends. He left her.  
  
And he left Dawn.  
  
And that was the biggest piece of evidence that Buffy had, that the Xander that had returned to her that night, barely ten minutes after disappearing, wasn't exactly the same Xander that had jumped in front of Krostoff's energy beam.   
  
And she could tell by the look in Dawn's eyes that Dawn knew that to be true as well.   
  
Buffy's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door being opened and closed.  
  
"Buffy!" Dawn called out.  
  
"I'm in here," Buffy replied, as she took another glance at the letter in front of her. She had wanted to read it herself first, just in case in had something she felt Dawn should be shielded from, but the fact that it was addressed to both of them, and getting swamped in her own thoughts, stopped her from doing that.   
  
"Any mail for me?" Dawn said as she took a seat opposite Buffy and noticed the pile of letters in front of her sister.  
  
"Yeah," Buffy said a little nervously. "There's one for both of us from Xander."  
  
Buffy inwardly winced as she saw her sister's face light up, when Buffy told her the news. She only hoped the news would be better than she thought it would be.  
  
Dawn hurriedly reached over and grabbed the letter from her sister. The remnants of the envelope were quickly discarded as Dawn pulled out the pieces of paper from within its folds.  
  
"There's one for each of us," she told Buffy, as she threw the letter marked 'Buffy' across the table, not watching as it landed in Buffy's lap. Dawn by this time was focussed solely on the contents of her hands, in this case being a piece of paper in Xander's handwriting.  
  
Buffy had picked up the letter Dawn had tossed across to her, but had yet to open it. Her sisterly instinct told her to wait till Dawn had finished. So instead, Buffy sat there studying Dawn's face, as she smiled and even laughed as she read from the letter.   
  
Buffy was about to pick up her letter and read it, seeing that Dawn had been nothing but happy with hers, when she noticed a distinct change in Dawn's facial expression. It was one of almost total concentration mixed with sadness and a tinge of anger.   
  
Buffy closed her eyes and silently wished that Xander hadn't done what she imagined he had just done. "Dawn?" she asked her sister quietly.  
  
Dawn looked up from the letter, and Buffy could clearly see a single tear falling from the youngster's eye.   
  
"He's not coming back" Dawn said a little too calmly.   
  
"Till when?" Buffy asked.  
  
Dawn shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I haven't a clue. Seems like he's having a great time though."  
  
Even Buffy winced a little at the bitterness that Dawn had said those words. She moved over and laid her hand softly on Dawn's shoulder. "Maybe he needs more time to find what he's looking for."  
  
"Funny he hardly mentioned that,' Dawn said as she looked over at the telephone on the wall. "I'm calling him," she said determinedly.  
  
Before Buffy could say anything, Dawn was out of her seat, and grabbed the phone off the hook, and started dialling the number for the Hyperion Hotel. She had dialled almost half the numbers when she slammed the receiver on the hook and sunk to her knees, tears now falling freely from her eyes.   
  
"Oh, Dawn!" Buffy said as she quickly leant down to hold her.   
  
"He really left me, Buffy. He left me."  
  
*********************  
  
"Alright, I'm coming. Don't get your knickers in a twist," a very annoyed sounding voice hollered out from inside the locked door, as the sound of a key turning could be heard.  
  
The door opened the rather irritable owner of Caritas, wasn't all that surprised to see who was facing him on the other side of the doorstep. "Well if I was to take a bet on who would be coming around when I'm asleep, you would be at the first on my list," he deadpanned.  
  
Angel however wasn't in the mood for it this time. He pushed his way past and walked inside.  
  
"Well, come in why don't you?" Lorne said, after the fact, before shutting the door and slowly walking back inside the club, to find Angel sitting at the bar.   
  
"So the vibes are bouncing off you, and straight at my head. Good thing, I didn't drink to much last night," Lorne said as he poured himself a drink. "I think I'm going to need this."  
  
Angel meanwhile had stayed silent, simply looking at Lorne as if he suddenly expected his friend to let loose the secrets of the world. After a while he realised that Lorne wasn't going to be so accommodating.  
  
"I need to know more about Xander," Angel said succinctly.  
  
"Well he's about 6 foot tall, dark hair, ruggedly..."  
  
"Lorne!" Angel interrupted sharply.  
  
Lorne took a deep breath, and took a seat. "I can't tell you anymore. I would've last time if I could've."  
  
"I'm lying to my friends. I even had to lie to Buffy last night when she rang. Her sister, Dawn spent the night crying cause Xander isn't going back."  
  
"I'm only the messenger, Angel," Lorne replied holding up his hands in surrender. "It's imperative that Xander stays in Los Angeles."  
  
"And it has to do with the end of days," Angel added.  
  
Lorne shrugged. "Something like that, and no, I can't tell you anymore."  
  
Angel gets up shaking his head. "I'm at a loss to know why hurting Buffy and Dawn is helpful." He took a last look at Lorne, before walking out, still as annoyed, as he was when he walked in.  
  
Lorne watched his friend leave with a lot of sympathy in his eyes. "Believe me, they would hurt a lot more if Xander went back home." He said to no one.  
  
  
***************  
  
  
One Month Later  
  
June 2002  
  
Arriving home from the Magic Shop, Buffy could hear the sound of music coming from Dawn's room as she entered the house.   
  
"Dawn!" she shouted, but wasn't surprised when there wasn't any response. The volume of the music would have drowned out Buffy's voice no matter how much she raised her internal volume control.  
  
As she stepped up the stairs, Buffy was glad to at least hear something normal coming from Dawn's room. For most of the last month, Dawn had been quiet and kept to herself most of the time. Buffy had suggested for her to call Xander, but Dawn had replied both times very firmly in the negative. Buffy could only assume that it hurt too much for her to initiate contact. So she let it go. Thankfully it the last week, Buffy noticed some of the old spark her sister used to have, come back into her presence.  
  
Buffy knocked hard on Dawn's door. "Dawn!" she shouted again, knowing this time Dawn had heard as the music suddenly decreased in volume, followed quickly by the opening of the door.  
  
"Oh, hi Buffy," Dawn said cheerfully.   
  
Buffy raised her eyebrow at the scene in front of her. Dawn was obviously getting ready to go out, and judging by the clothes and makeup, it wasn't just o to hang with a couple of friends.  
  
"Big date?" she asked.  
  
"What? Oh yeah," Dawn replied with a grin on her face. "This guy, Tom, totally hot, asked me to go to a movie with him."  
  
Buffy had to chuckle, wondering if she was the same at the same age. "You know the safe areas," Buffy asked, quickly settling back into guardian mode.  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Yes, stay in well lit areas, avoid graveyards, etc, etc, etc"  
  
"Well just keep safe," Buffy said seriously. "I could chaperone," she added with her a glint ion her eye.  
  
"Buffy!" Dawn words showed the annoyance she was starting to feel, even if she knew her sister was mostly joking.   
  
"Okay, okay, I get it. Be back by eleven,' Buffy said before exiting, that way avoiding any fight that Dawn may wish to get involved in over her curfew time.  
  
As Buffy walked back down the stairs, she felt a tremendous sense of relief that Dawn was moving on with her life. She only hoped that Xander would find whatever he was looking for and return to Sunnydale.  
  
To home.  
  
************************  
  
  
The dark blue pickup pulled up in front of the Hyperion Hotel, and came gently to a stop in its usual parking position. Xander looked around at the front of what had become his home for the last month, feeling oddly at peace. His job was going great, and even looked like becoming a permanent thing with the company, if his foreman's words today had the ring to truth to them. On the personal front, things seemed to be going great as well.   
  
His restored friendship with Cordelia had filled a regret he had since High School. It was good to have someone that knew his past to talk to. It made LA seem like home easier. To his surprise Wesley and he had been getting on great, something that in senior he never would've thought possible. Gunn and Fred were a little different, as he still seemed to be getting to know them, but they had welcomed him none the less.  
  
The biggest surprise was Angel. Angel hadn't only offered Xander any room to stay in, but was actually good company. When Xander first realised that he had checked outside just in case Satan was skating to work.  
  
As it was the end of the week, he was looking forward to going out somewhere, have a nice meal, some drinks, and as long as it didn't involve singing karaoke, Xander wasn't all that picky where exactly he went. He figured he would leave it up to the locals to decide.  
  
He reached out and pushed open the front door to the hotel, not really looking up as he did so, and walked, as he had done on almost every day, straight to the front counter and laid down his tools. He was about to say something when he heard Gunn say something.  
  
"And here's the man now."  
  
Looking up, and feeling a little curious at whatever he was 'the man' for. Xander noticed that there was someone else besides the usual group in the room. Noticed was probably not strong enough word, as Xander got lost for a moment in the eyes of the newcomer. Realising what he doing after a few moments, he looked away a little sheepishly.   
  
"Umm, what am I the man for?" he asked Gunn, trying to hide his previous feelings.  
  
Gunn however hadn't missed it and shook his head slightly with a chuckle. "Well, Mr. Smooth, a friend of mine needs some work done at a shelter, and we've just been singing your praises." He signalled to the woman standing next to him. "This is Anne."  
  
Anne stepped forward and held out her hand, a little nervously after the way Xander had looked at her earlier.   
  
"Hi."  
  
End Part Nine 


	10. Ten

Part Ten  
  
September 2004  
  
Wiping away the sweat, which had gathered above his brow, with his left hand, Xander leant against the wall, taking a breather. Fixing up the Youth Shelter was a never-ending job, and though he could tell by looking the place over, just how much work had been done in the last two years, sometimes he did wonder if it was ever going to end.  
  
Not that he would ever complain. His little contribution was nothing compared to what Anne did every day. Xander only helped on his spare time.   
  
"Drink," a female voice asked him from below.  
  
Looking down, Xander grinned as Anne reached up and gave him, a glass of ice-cold water. "Thanks," he said as he grabbed the drink. Holding it up to his lips, Xander took a first swig and savoured the feel of the water sliding down his throat. It was just what he needed.   
  
"It's looking good," Anne commented, pointing towards the shelving Xander had been working on.  
  
Getting himself down off the ladder, Xander took a step back and surveyed his work. "Hmm, not bad," he admitted, though his words did contain a hint of his usual tongue in cheek style.   
  
Anne laughed and playfully punched Xander in the arm. "Good thing you extended the doorway," she jibed at him.  
  
"Well I wouldn't have been able to come and see you if I hadn't," Xander replied playing along with the tone of the conversation.  
  
"And what would've I done then," Anne asked innocently.  
  
"Oh, you would've just used your feminine charms on someone else," Xander replied, as he got back up the ladder.   
  
'My charms haven't worked all that well on you,' Anne thought a little sadly as she watched Xander climb to the top of the ladder.  
  
After he hadn't heard a reply from her for a few seconds, Xander turned around to see Anne was simply staring at him. "Anne! Are you okay?" he asked.  
  
"What?" Anne said shaking her head, not realising that she had zoned out there for a minute. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll let you get back to your work."  
  
Xander watched a little worried as Anne walked away. She had been acting a little strange lately, and what worried Xander more was that she didn't seem to want to talk about it. Considering how much her friendship had come to mean to him, it hurt Xander that there was obviously something that Anne didn't feel comfortable talking to him about.   
  
Shaking his head and letting out s little sigh, he decided it was something that was probably best brought up at a later time. For now there was these shelves to fix.  
  
**********  
  
"Hey Buffy!" Dawn called out as she led a young man through the front door of her home. After a few moments, hearing no response from her sister, Dawn turned back to the male and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
"See, Adam, I told you she'd be out," she said playfully as she lifted her self up on the tips of her toes and kissed him gently on the lips.  
  
Adam visibly relaxed when he realised the Buffy wasn't home. Not that he didn't like Dawn's older sister. It was simply that she sort of frightened him. That and she seemed to always show up at the most annoying times.  
  
"Hey Dawn," Buffy called as she walked in from the back yard.  
  
'Like now,' Adam thought a little bitterly.  
  
"Adam, good to see you again," Buffy said a little not brightly.  
  
"You too," Adam replied, his voice a little quieter than his normal volume.   
  
Buffy turned back to Dawn and saw nothing like sisterly love in her eyes. In fact, if Buffy was to guess, she was sure there was 'blue murder' shining from them instead.   
  
"Well my work here is done," Buffy said with a laugh, before turning around and walking into the kitchen, leaving a fuming Dawn and a much more relieved Adam in her wake.  
  
As soon as she had left, Dawn turned back to face her boyfriend and let out her frustration. 'Ooohh! You know sometimes, I hate her."  
  
Adam smiled and wrapped his arms around Dawn's waist. "You know you really don't. But it's good of you to say so," her told her, kissing her lightly again, before taking a step away and having a look at some of the pictures on display.   
  
Dawn couldn't help be amazed at how Adam could fix her moods so easily, especially when he didn't exactly get on with Buffy. But then, Dawn knew just how intimidating Buffy could be sometimes, and Adam, unlike her, had yet to see the other side of her sister.   
  
Mind you if Dawn had her way, Buffy would have to get used to him.   
  
"Hey, who's this?" Adam's voice shook Dawn away from her thoughts.  
  
"What?" Dawn asked before waling over and looking at the picture Adam was looking at. She felt a stabbing pain of hurt hit her for a fraction of the second as she looked at it.   
  
Xander.  
  
To be more precise, Xander and her.  
  
She remembered the picture well. It had been taken a few weeks after Xander had moved in with them, after his break up with Anya. The three of them had gone out for a picnic, and Buffy, in one of her rare photo-snappy moods, had taken a number of photos of them all.  
  
Despite herself, Dawn couldn't help but smile for a fraction of a second, at the memory. It wasn't perfect, but Dawn remembered being so happy then.  
  
"Oh, that's a guy who used to live around here," Dawn replied nonchalantly, the smile gone from her face, just as quick as it had appeared.  
  
Her words may have convinced Adam that was the case, had it not been for the particular picture he held in his hand. Dawn was smiling whole-heartedly at the camera as she leaned against Xander, who had his arm pulled around her. It was obvious to anyone that saw it, that whoever the guy was, he was more than just someone who 'lived around here'.   
  
One look at Adam's face was enough to convince Dawn that Adam hadn't bought what she had said. For a moment, she wished that Buffy had taken that photo away when Dawn had asked her. But Buffy had been adamant she wasn't going to excise Xander from her life.  
  
'Yeah, it's not like he didn't do the same to us," Dawn thought bitterly, remembering the conversation.  
  
She shrugged her shoulders. "He was a good friend of Buffy's and I'd known him since I was a kid."  
  
Adam nodded, not thinking it was worth pursuing.   
  
  
**********  
  
  
"Hey Anne," Cordelia said as she looked up and saw the blonde haired woman walking through the front door of the Hotel. "You looking for Gunn?"  
  
"Umm. No. Actually, could we talk?" Anne asked a little hesitantly. She had known Cordelia for a couple of years now, but she felt like she was intruding on a much deeper relationship with the questions she wanted to ask.  
  
Cordelia frowned a little, not expecting the question. Noticing however the look on Anne's face, she realised it wasn't for any trivial reason. Cordelia glanced down at her watch and saw that it was near enough to a lunch break time. And if it hadn't been she would've just made it so anyway.  
  
Getting up she simply shouted to the others in the back, "I'm off for lunch," then looked back at Anne. "Ready to go?"  
  
"Yes," she replied, a little startled at how quickly that had come about.  
  
They made there way down the road to a small café, and sat down, taking the menu's from the waiter as they did. After quickly ordering and sending the waiter away, Cordelia turned to Anne.  
  
"You know I'm sort of jealous of you," she stated.  
  
If there was a list of things Anne thought Cordelia might say to her, being jealous wasn't even in the top one thousand.   
  
"You are?" Anne replied a little confused.  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia said softly. "I mean I don't love the lug in that way, but you see Xander more than I do these days. I sort of miss him."  
  
Anne couldn't help but smile. One thing Xander could do, was make you miss him when he wasn't around. "You should give him a call," Anne suggested.   
  
"Yeah I should," Cordelia replied, before remembering that Anne had invited her here for a reason. "You wanted to talk to me?"  
  
"Yeah, actually it's about Xander," Anne said.  
  
"Okay, so we make a pact now. We're never to mention to Xander, that we both wanted to talk about him at the same time. Ever," Cordelia said with a laugh.  
  
"No argument here," Anne agreed, giggling.  
  
After a few moments they stopped and Cordelia asked again. "So what did you want to know?"  
  
Anne hoped that she wasn't breaking any confidences in what she wanted to ask. She knew that Cordelia went to school with Xander, and for a time even dated, and she was sure there was some part of their history that Cordelia wouldn't want to touch on.  
  
"Does Xander have a girlfriend?" Anne asked a little quickly, as if she was embarrassed to ask such a question.   
  
The way Cordelia spluttered on her drink was enough to show Anne that it wasn't the sort of question she was expecting. "No, he's been single for over two years," Cordelia told her after catching her breath. Then looking at Anne's face it suddenly clicked. "He's not taking any hints is he?"  
  
Her cheeks flushed with red as Anne realised she had been a little transparent. "No. None at all," she admitted.  
  
Cordelia took a breath, wondering how to tell Anne what she thought the answer to Xander was, while still running it through her own personal filter to make sure she didn't say anything she shouldn't.   
  
"A few years ago, Xander disappeared. Only for a few minutes, but when he returned it was obvious that he had been away for much longer."  
  
Anne's brow scrunched as she tried to work out what exactly Cordelia had told her. She had her own experiences in the nastier side of dimensions, and could only wonder if this was the same for Xander. "Was he tortured?" Anne asked remembering what happened to some of the people she saw.  
  
Cordelia shook her head. "We don't think so, in fact physically he was fine. It's just...He has no memory of any of it."  
  
Anne simply nodded, but didn't say anything.   
  
"Anyway, he never was exactly the same after that. He broke up with his fiancé and then moved to LA. Most of us thought he would only be here for a few weeks, but he seems rather settled." Cordelia flashed a little groin at Anne. "In fact we were sure you two were together."  
  
"I wish," Anne replied without thinking, before moving her hand over her mouth. "Oh god! Did, I really say that."  
  
Cordelia couldn't help herself and laughed. "Too late to take it back."  
  
Anne joined in the laughter, although it did sound a little hollow. "Not that it makes any difference."  
  
Cordelia feelings had only been re-enforced with Anne's words. She tried to sound as sympathetic as possible, while still getting her point across. "Honestly, I don't think Xander will ever commit to another relationship. Not until he finds his memories of that time."  
  
Anne could only nod in agreement. It made so much more sense to her. Xander may be an almost permanent fixture at the shelter, but they rarely went out together socially. Her and his work commitments gave them precious little time for that anyway. Unfortunately for Anne, she couldn't just put her feelings on hold, and no matter what Xander thought, she couldn't escape the fact that she loved every minute they spent together.  
  
Even thirty minutes later as her and Cordelia parted company, Anne was still thinking the same thing. "Will Xander ever look at me the way I look at him?"  
  
***************  
  
February 2005  
  
"Okay, thanks Giles. I'll tell them,' Cordelia said warmly just before hanging up the phone and turning towards where Angel and Gunn were packing up various weapons.  
  
"That was Giles. He said it happens in two weeks." Cordelia's words conveyed nothing but the seriousness of the situation. Something that wasn't lost on either of them.  
  
"He's that sure?" Wesley asked as he walked in from the other room, followed closely by Fred.  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia said softly.  
  
The five of them, all stood there for a moment, letting the enormity of what they were about to face sink in. A few days ago, when Giles had first called them to see if they could help, it had all been a hypothetical. No one knew if it would be real. Then a day later they had realised just how real it was going to be. And now, they knew when.   
  
Suddenly it made the threat so much more tangible. But beyond all their fears, it also steeled their fortitude. They hadn't been fighting the good fight for the last few years for nothing. And it was on such a situation as this, that their purpose became clearer than ever before.  
  
"Should we call Xander?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"No!" Angel replied a little too quickly.  
  
"Why?" Wesley asked. "Or maybe the question should be, why don't you want us to?"  
  
Inwardly Angel grimaced. It was yet another situation when he had to lie to his friends, and none of those lies, despite his wishes, had gotten any easier. The only thing that kept him going was Lorne's word that it was soon to be over. Unfortunately, as usually was the case when trying to get any useful information from the green skinned demon, Lorne was less than forthcoming.   
  
But after five years, Angel was used to that by now. Still, he had a hard time believing what he was being told, two nights ago.  
  
"And this is what the last few years have been for?" Angel asked, incredulously.  
  
"Yes, and if Xander goes with you the whole thing will blow up in your face. And since we are talking about dear ol' Sunnyhell, that could be one heck of facial," Lorne told him, his tone, if not all the words, conveying just how serious it was.  
  
"So this is the end of days?" Angel asked.  
  
"Not really, though if you screw this up it will be," Lorne answered, being as clear as usual. Seeing that Angel was about to argue, he held his hands up. "I don't have anymore."  
  
Frustrated a little more than usual, Angel turned around to leave, hoping that when this was all over, he could get some straighter answers.  
  
And now two days later, he had his four other colleagues looking to him to have a good excuse as to why they weren't going to call Xander.  
  
"I just think that it would be safer for Xander here," Angel said, even knowing as he pronounced each word, how weak that answer was.  
  
"Okay that convinced me," Cordelia said sarcastically as she reached over for the phone and started dialling.   
  
"Cordy, please," Angel pleaded with her.  
  
Something in Angel's eyes convinced her to put the phone down. Shaking her head, she walked straight up to him. "Tell me why?"  
  
Angel could tell be the seriousness of her tone, that she wouldn't buy anything but the truth. But that would, if Lorne's warnings were to be taken serious, put everything in jeopardy. And Angel knew, that now, after two years, was not the time to be second-guessing what he had been told. He had made his bed ages ago, and it was now time to lie in it.   
  
However, in trying to find a reason that he could tell Cordelia, Angel actually thought on a much better one.   
  
"It is safer for Xander here. He's not like us, Cordy. He doesn't fight with us, he spends most of his time either at work or at Anne's."  
  
"So because of that we leave him out of it?" Cordelia argued, not believing that Angel seemed to be arguing that they not tell Xander out of spite.   
  
"No, it's not that. It's just that his life isn't like ours. He left the fight behind in Sunnydale. None of us ever thought he would, but he did. And since he's been in LA he hasn't shown any inclination to join in with us. And that's great. He seems happy. But we don't call on him to help, cause we know he has left that behind, and we shouldn't call on him this time, even if the threat is bigger."  
  
"That's an understatement," Wesley said, laughing nervously.  
  
"That isn't fair to him," Angel continued. "You know as well as I do, he would drop everything if we told him what was happening. But we shouldn't take advantage of that in him."  
  
Angel almost felt proud of his words. Until he remembered that the only reason that Xander wasn't back in Sunnydale fighting along with Buffy was because of something that the Powers had done to him.  
  
But, somewhere in Angel's words, Cordelia found herself agreeing with him. And while she silently cursed herself for that, she understood why.  
  
"I need to call him." Seeing Angel's face, she quickly added. "I won't say anything, but damn Angel! I need to have some sort of goodbye. Just in case."  
  
Looking around the room, Cordelia could tell that she wasn't the only one to be thinking of the same thing. They all had people to see. Just in case.  
  
  
**************  
  
March 2005  
  
"How long has it been since you heard from them?" Anne asked as Xander pulled into the driveway of he Hyperion Hotel.  
  
Xander turned off the engine, and pulled the keys out of the ignition. As he unlocked his seatbelt, he turned to Anne. "Over a week ago, and there was something funny going on then."  
  
Getting out of her seat, Anne waited till Xander joined her before asking, "What was funny?"  
  
Xander shook his head, remembering back to what had seemed to be a rather emotional call he had gotten from them all. When he had asked Cordelia if something was up, she'd said nothing, and then started talking about something else.  
  
"I don't know, I just got the feeling that they were keeping something from me."   
  
He walked over to the front of the hotel, and pulled on the doors, realising quickly that they were locked shut. Congratulating himself for not giving back his key, when he had moved out a year or so ago, not that they had ever asked for it, Xander pulled it out and inserted it into the lock. He gave a little grunt in satisfaction as it clicked open and he walked inside, leaving the door open as for Anne to follow him inside, then letting it click into place behind him.  
  
Only a few moments another car pulled into the parking lot, this one carrying five occupants. As it pulled into it's usual parking spot, the driver noticed the car parked next to it.   
  
"Is that Xander's car?" Angel asked to the others.  
  
"Yes it is. I wonder what he's doing here?" Wesley replied, looking at he other occupants.  
  
"Maybe he just called around to say hi?" Fred said, looking at the upside.  
  
"Or he got worried that he hasn't been able to contact us for a week and came to see if we are okay," Cordelia countered. She noticed the looks on her friend's faces before adding. "He's going to be pissed we didn't tell him what we were doing."  
  
"Maybe," Angel added thoughtfully, before getting out of the car. The rest of the group all got out and followed Angel to the entrance of the Hotel.   
  
**************  
  
"There's nothing here," Anne called out from the counter, to Xander who had been searching in the back room.  
  
She heard the door open behind her and looked up at a frustrated Xander. "Nothing back there either," he told her. " I wonder..."   
  
His words suddenly stopped flowing from his lips and his eyes took in the scene in front of him, where his friends had just walked through the door. Anne having noticed where Xander was looking at turned and saw Angel and the rest of the gang all walk in behind them. Even to Anne's eyes, she could tell they had been in some sort of battle. Fred's broken arm was the most obvious sign, but they all seemed to have cuts and bruises on their bodies.  
  
"My god, are you okay?" she said as she watched them walk in.  
  
"We're fine," Gunn answered.  
  
Xander meanwhile was just watching Angel, and Angel was doing vice versa. If it wasn't for the fact that they were friends, an observer could've been forgiven for thinking that they were about to face off against one and other.  
  
"Been in a fight," Xander dead-panned across to Angel.  
  
"Yeah," Angel responded.  
  
Xander shook his head, feeling the anger rise. "Didn't think I could help obviously." The phone call a week ago was suddenly making more sense to him.  
  
"No," Angel replied, keeping his emotions in check. Xander was sounding more and more like the Xander of old. Angel wondered if Lorne was right after all.   
  
Cordelia and the others were looking on in surprise as the tension expanded at uncontrollable amounts in the room. She couldn't understand why this conversation as going this way, when they should've been celebrating.   
  
"Xander! Angel!" she shouted at them. "For god's sake, the Hellmouth is closed. I don't know about you, but I want a drink."   
  
Cordelia's words just reverberated around Xander's head, in a heated whisper, as if it was trying to dig its way into the deepest part of his mind.   
  
"The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed! The Hellmouth's closed!"  
  
After a minute he felt a soft touch on his arm and glanced down to see Anne looking worriedly at him. "Are you okay?" she asked.  
  
"Umm, yeah. Just a major case of Deja-Vu," Xander replied still sounding as though he was half asleep. He turned to where Angel and the others were all sitting down. "It's really closed?" he asked in disbelief.  
  
Cordelia could here the mixture of wonder and delight in Xander's voice. "Yeah, closed for good. At least that's what Giles said."  
  
"And Buffy, Dawn, Willow and the others are all safe?" Xander asked, the ramifications of what he had been told slowly getting through to him.  
  
"There all well and enjoying life," Wesley asked, smiling at what had been achieved the day before in Sunnydale.  
  
"That's great news.." Xander began to say, till he felt himself sway on his feat. His motion being stopped by the calming hand of Anne, who led him over to a couch. Once he got there, though he seemed to space out again, and seemed to be repeating in his head, and in his own soft words the things he had been told.  
  
"The Hellmouth's closed!" he whispered, as if catching the thought in his memory, before collapsing on the couch. Anne sat down beside him quickly and tried to wake him.  
  
"Xander!" she said worriedly, lightly smacking his face.  
  
As Xander collapsed, Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and all moved over to where Anne was trying to rouse him. All of their faces, showed the fear and confusion that was running through their thoughts.  
  
The one person who hadn't moved over the couch, stood silently back. Watching. Waiting. His absence hadn't been noticed by the others.  
  
Suddenly Xander shot up and yelled out, "Buffy!" before collapsing back to the couch.  
  
"What's happening to him?" Anne asked frantically.  
  
"I wish I knew," Gunn replied.  
  
It was then that Wesley noticed Angel wasn't with them and he looked around, seeing that Angel had not moved, instead he seemed to be watching Xander with an intense concentration. A few moments later Cordelia noticed that Wesley's attention was distracted elsewhere and followed his gaze to where Angel was standing.   
  
"What is it?" she asked him, looking back and forth between the two of them.  
  
Wesley seemed to wait for a moment, as if he was waiting to see if Angel would speak up on his own volition. When it became obvious he wouldn't, Wesley simply told him. "You know what's happening, don't you."  
  
At Wesley's words, all of the other occupants of the room, except for the still unconscious form of Xander, first looked at Wesley, as if seeing if he was playing with a full deck, then obviously satisfied that he was, turned to Angel, waiting to hear what he had to say.  
  
Angel's response to them wasn't full of explanations, but it was to the point.  
  
"He's remembering."  
  
End Part Ten 


	11. Eleven

Part Eleven  
  
  
Anne's voice was the first thing to permeate into Xander's consciousness as he slowly awakened. The tone of her voice both worried and warmed Xander's heart. And what was more puzzling to him was he had no idea why he felt the two different feelings as she spoke.   
  
"Xander?" she asked, the infliction on his name that she used, letting him know she expected an answer to how he was feeling.  
  
"Hmm, yeah.. I'm fine," he stated as he got up and noticed that he was surrounded by the others. Well except for Angel, who was standing a little part away from the rest. Shaking his head, as if trying to clear the multitude of cobwebs that were still setting up home in his memory, he added, "I'm feeling a little out of it."  
  
"Then sit down, you idiot," Cordelia chided, which Xander knew was only done out of concern.  
  
Wesley turned to face Angel, surprised from what Angel had told them, that Xander hadn't started talking about any great big revelations of his past. Angel shrugged his shoulders, and despite Wesley knowing that Angel had been less than truthful on certain matters, there was something in his eyes that convinced Wesley that on this occasion he was telling the truth.  
  
"Perhaps you could go and lie down for a while," Wesley suggested.  
  
"Hmm," Xander responded, not really hearing what was said. To the others it looked like he was trying to run through a lot of things in his mind, and by the puzzled look on his face, none of it was getting any clearer.  
  
"Come on, I take you up," Anne told him, taking his hand and leading him to the staircase.  
  
"His old room is still set up," Fred told her as she passed her.  
  
Anne thanked her with a nod, and continued walking up, taking one last glance at the rest of them. She could tell by their body language and the rising tension that had something to discuss. And while she guessed it had something to do with Xander, she was more worried for the person that she had her arm wrapped around now, then anything the others had to say.  
  
The others watched as Anne and Xander went up the stairs, each of them knowing that as soon as they disappeared from sight the valve that had temporarily closed on the questions that were about to flow would be released and hopefully the truth would be known.  
  
As soon as the two of them had disappeared around the corner, Wesley was about to open his mouth and ask a question, when he was beaten to it by a very angry Cordelia.  
  
"What the hell is going on Angel?" she spat out, not wanting to accuse her friend of anything specific, but not liking where the evidence of the night was pointing.  
  
The sudden wish to be anywhere other than where he was now was not a fleeting thought through Angel's mind. That or a sudden appearance by Lorne with the explanations they all craved. Unfortunately he didn't think either scenario had much success of occurring at that moment in time. He also knew that unlike previous times, the truth was the only thing he could say. How he wished that Xander had just remembered whatever it was that he knew and blurted it out. Maybe then Angel would at least have a good reason to fall back on, for why he had deceived them all for the last few years.  
  
Judging by the looks on his friends' faces he doubted that saying it was all for a good cause would wash with them. Especially as he was in the dark as to what that specific cause was.  
  
"I thought he was remembering his past," Angel said softly.   
  
"Why?" Gunn asked, wondering what insight Angel suddenly had to make him think that.  
  
"I was told that he'd start to remember soon," Angel replied.  
  
Wesley rolled his eyes, his patience running thin. "Cut out the short answers, Angel. What do you know?"  
  
Before responding Angel looked into the eyes of his friends and saw something he hadn't seen for four years. Distrust. That hurt him deeply, but until they knew what he did, he couldn't help but feel it was justified. He only hoped that after he said what he had to say, they would be able to see his side of it.  
  
"Remember when Xander first came to LA," he started, pausing a moment to make sure his audience was all on the same page. "And we went to Caritas for Xander to sing, and straight after that Xander seemed to be more concerned with staying in LA then finding out about his past?"  
  
Cordelia gave him a 'hurry on' signal with her hand. She was interested in what he was saying, but didn't feel the need for the catch up. Especially as she was privy to all of what Angel had said so far.  
  
"Well, I think the Powers that be had something to do with that."  
  
"What do yo base that on?" Wesley asked, already intrigued that it could involve the actual Powers that be.  
  
"I don't think Xander got knocked out. I think that they did something to his memory and his present. They took the drive to be in Sunnydale out of his consciousness."  
  
"But why? And how do you know this?" Fred asked, not doubting anything Angel said, but still trying to understand it all.  
  
"I really don't know, and the reason for that is because of who I know it from. Lorne."  
  
"Why would Lorne know about this?" Wesley asked.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe you can ask him and see if you can get a straight answer or not." Angel snapped back.  
  
"Nice attitude," Cordelia bit back.  
  
"Well if Wesley could not look at me like I am in on some conspiracy," Angel replied.  
  
"But you are, or were, Angel," Wesley responded, taking a few steps towards Angel. "We all knew how much Sunnydale meant to Xander. How much Dawn and Buffy were important to him. Countless times in those first few months we sat around talking about how we can't believe he was staying in LA. It was that unusual for him to do." Wesley paused to shake his head, not even trying to hide his anger. He pointed over to where the chairs were in the office.  
  
"You sat there and in a straight face agreed with us that we should try and get Xander to go home, and yet all that time you knew that he wouldn't and that he was under some sort of spell keeping him here."  
  
The others had all taken a step back, letting the other two have it out. They all had questions and emotions they wanted to get air, but at present it was Wesley and Angel's time.  
  
"Wes, I had my reasons," Angel countered trying to get his defence out.  
  
"Well, I'd bloody well like to hear what they are!" Wesley shouted at Angel, his voice louder than any other time in the argument.   
  
The volume and tone of Wesley's voice stunned the onlookers, as well as Angel. Cordelia gasped in a breath and took a step forward and laid a soft hand on Wesley's arm, trying to calm him down a little. When he felt the gentle pressure on his upper arm, Wesley looked across to see that Cordelia was there, smiling softly at him, trying to soothe his inner passion. His lips turned slightly upward, letting Cordelia know he appreciated the gesture, before taking a step away and turning his back on Angel. He took a few steps and sat down, exhausted emotionally by the thought that one of best friends had been lying to them all for years.  
  
Seeing that Wesley had stopped his questioning of Angel, Cordelia tried to get the conversation back on an even level. "Why did you do it?" she asked directly, but evenly.  
  
"Lorne told me I had to," Angel replied. He held up his hands in defence and added, "Do you think I wanted to? I think of Xander as a friend now, and even then, when we really didn't think a lot of each other, I would never have done anything to hurt Buffy."  
  
"So why did you?" Gunn asked.  
  
"Lorne told me, well you know Lorne, so it was more suggestion and hints. But we trust him. Have done for years. So when I get told that if Xander goes back to Sunnydale it could bring the end of days forward, and not in a good way, I listened."  
  
"What would Xander have done?" Cordelia asked, confused that her friend could have any part to play in the end game of the battle they had all been fighting for years. Not that she doubted his courage, just that he would turn the battle against them all. It didn't make sense to her.  
  
"I really don't know," Angel stated apologetically.  
  
"Well perhaps I can answer that," a voice said.  
  
Turning around they were not the smallest bit surprised to see Lorne standing in the top of the foyer, looking just a little bit guilty.  
  
"You'll actually tell us?" Angel asked, hoping that it might help at least restore him in the eyes of his friends.  
  
"Yes, It is, as they say, time," Lorne stated grandiosely.  
  
Before they could say anything, a voice from above on the mezzanine level thundered across the room.  
  
"Good. Cause I would sure as hell like to know."  
  
***************  
  
Gently guiding Xander down to the bed, Anne couldn't stop the feeling if helplessness that was overtaking her body. Something was happening and she could do nothing to stop it. And something deep inside told her that it would have a huge impact on Xander and probably on herself.  
  
"Are you feeling any better?" she asked him softly, not knowing at that stage if he even knew where he was.  
  
After a few moments, he acknowledged her question, by a brief nod of his head. "It feels weird, like I'm just waking up."  
  
Anne nodded, thinking that he was talking about blacking out down in the lobby. "You sort of fainted."  
  
"Yeah, but," Xander paused. His face showed he was trying to put into words exactly what he wanted to say. "Where friends, aren't we?" he asked as if he wanted confirmation for what he was feeling.  
  
The first reaction Anne had to that was to laugh, but seeing the confusion on Xander's face she realised that he was serious. "We are. Very close friends."  
  
"I know," he replied thoughtfully. "And yet at the same time, it all seems like it has been a dream."  
  
"I don't understand," Anne replied.  
  
A hollow laugh escaped his lips as Xander reflected on that statement. "Believe me when I say it isn't any clearer over here." Then as if something only just occurred to him, he stood up. "The Hellmouth's closed."  
  
"Umm, yeah," Anne replied. "That's what they said downstairs."  
  
"No! No!" Xander stated, pacing around the room. "I know it is."  
  
He banged his fists across the side of his skull, as if he could shake the memories clear. "I've known it for years."  
  
Anne moved across to Xander and gently wrapped one of her arms around his body, hoping that the comforting action might soothe whatever pain he was feeling inside. She was shocked when he looked up to her with tears in his eyes. "What's happening to me?"  
  
The feeling of helplessness that Anne had felt earlier returned again, only tempered this time by the fact that she had been able to calm Xander down somewhat.  
  
"I don't know," she replied, wishing she could do more.  
  
Xander was about to ask another question when a booming voice came from downstairs.  
  
"Well, I'd bloody well like to hear what they are!"  
  
"That's Wesley," Xander said automatically, getting up off the bed and walking to the door.   
  
"Do you feel okay?" Anne asked, worried that he should be moving around so much.  
  
"I feel fine," Xander replied shortly, then realising that Anne didn't deserve that he softened his mood and mouthed the words, "I'm fine" to her, before walking out of his room, thankful that he had actually picked a room on the first floor up from the foyer.  
  
He had reached the entrance of the walkway when he heard Gunn's voice ask clearly.   
  
"So why did you?"   
  
"Lorne told me, well you know Lorne, so it was more suggestion and hints. But we trust him. Have done for years. So when I get told that if Xander goes back to Sunnydale it could bring the end of days forward, and not in a good way, I listened."  
  
Xander was about to let them know he was there, in no uncertain way, when Cordelia's voice stopped him.  
  
"What would Xander have done?"  
  
"I really don't know," Angel stated apologetically.  
  
"Well perhaps I can answer that," a voice said.  
  
Peering out over the edge of the walkway, Xander was surprised to see Lorne enter the foyer. Unlike the others he hadn't formed any great friendship with the singing demon. Caritas just wasn't Xander's type of place. But what was building Xander's temperature at that point was that it was coming clearer a number of people in the foyer knew more about him then he did himself.   
  
And no matter how much Anne's calming touch on his arm wanted him to be, Xander was not simmering down. Not by a long way.   
  
"You'll actually tell us?" Angel asked, hoping that it might help at least restore him in the eyes of his friends.  
  
"Yes, It is, as they say, time," Lorne stated grandiosely.  
  
There was something about Lorne's overly dramatic gestures that riled Xander up even more. At now that was the breaking point.  
  
"Good. Cause I would sure as hell like to know."  
  
They all turned up too see Xander starring down at them all. It didn't take any expert on human body language to know that he had heard a good deal of the conversation. And his face left no doubt as to how he was feeling at that point.  
  
Both Lorne and Angel were happy to be on another level.  
  
"Well!" Xander shouted indignantly down at the two of them.   
  
"Ahh well, maybe a we could all sit down and discuss this pleasantly,' Lorne said gesturing for Xander to join them downstairs.  
  
If Lorne was expecting Xander to simply follow his instructions he was about to be totally disappointed.  
  
"How about you tell me why I feel like I have only just woken up after a couple of years?" Xander stated clearly at him, as he made his way downstairs.  
  
Even though the rest of them lost sight of Xander and Anne as they made their way down the stairs, they could clearly hear him easily enough till they came back into view.   
  
"Or if you can't do that, how about just telling me how much you know about my life? Or is this clearer, the life I can't remember? Or" and Xander came into view at this point, walking slowly but purposefully over to where Lorne and Angel were standing.   
  
"How in the hell did I know about the Hellmouth closing, even without being told by everyone?"  
  
Xander first stood up into Angel's face, almost daring him to say something or at least throw a punch. He sincerely doubted he could take the vampire, but at that point Xander had plenty of pent up aggression inside, just itching for a chance to get out.  
  
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, Angel didn't react at all. He stood there looking at Xander with nothing less than sympathy in his eyes. After a few seconds, where Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred all wondered if they were going to have to separate the two of them, Xander shook his head in disgust at Angel and turned back to face Lorne.  
  
"So, you said you would explain it all," he stated to him.  
  
"Yes, well I tend to be talkative when I'm not in fear of something being forced down my throat," Lorne replied.  
  
Seeing that Xander was about to explode again, Cordelia came over and stepped in between them. Turning first to Lorne she couldn't hide her bitterness.  
  
"You owe him! And us! Quit skirting around it and spill," she told him before turning to Xander. "Take a seat and listen, you need to," she told him gently.  
  
There was something in Cordelia's eyes that hit his heart. Friendship. The memories of his friends in LA, from Anne to Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, Fred and even Angel all struggling inside of him to still be real, in the sea of confusion he felt. The side effect of feeling as though you've just woken up was trying to remember that the past wasn't a dream.   
  
But the look in Cordelia's eyes, the look of concern on Anne's face. They were real, and Xander held on to that and he walked over to where the seats were, smiling to Anne as she took a seat beside her.   
  
Once everyone had taken a seat, Lorne, true to his word, at least this time, started his story.  
  
"You aren't supposed to be here, my boy," he said, thinking that it was a great premise to start from. Seeing that it only gave Xander more questions to ask, he continued. "You wanted to know how you knew the Hellmouth would close? It's because to you it was past."  
  
Xander bent down and put his head in his hands, while his elbows rested on his knees. He had the strangest feeling running through him, as Lorne told him his story. Sort of like Deja-vu, but more like a key opening a door in his mind.  
  
"Your little disappearance, four years ago. You got shot into the future and for you what is happening now is all past."  
  
"So why did Xander have to stay in LA," Cordelia asked, seeing that Xander was still taking it all in. "Surely his knowledge could've been useful."  
  
"Well, look at it like this. In the original history, you guys closed the Hellmouth. Xander wasn't around, and it all worked out. Now, no offence, son," Lorne said to Xander. "But you can't really stay on the sidelines in a fight. So if the Powers had calculated that your presence would change the outcome, they were bound to act. And they did."  
  
"Cause I would've screwed it up," Xander replied bitterly.  
  
Lorne just shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. I'm not privy to that. All I know is that the Powers didn't want you in Sunnydale till after the Hellmouth closed. So they did their cosmic whammy on you, and wha-la, you are a resident of the City of Angels."  
  
Xander wanted to scream at Lorne. All his frustration at being the powerless one, the one who has no skills, the one who everyone thought would be the first to perish in a fight. He wanted to scream out and say how he had saved Buffy's life on multiple occasions, how he had lived various attempts by all sorts of beings to open the Hellmouth, and how he didn't deserve to be used like this. But in the end he said nothing. If the 'Powers' could do to him what they did for the last two years, then screaming at them would accomplish nothing.   
  
Instead he was overwhelmed by one thought. Getting back to Sunnydale.  
  
"So why now?" he asked calmly.  
  
"Hey it's just what I got told," Lorne replied. "I don't actually make the rules up."  
  
Xander nodded, knowing what he had to do. There was a home of his that he had to go to. At he had kept it waiting for too long. He got up and walked over to Angel, standing a short distance from him.  
  
"I thought you were a friend,' he said softly.  
  
"I'm sorry," Angel replied.  
  
Xander nodded before adding. "I was wrong."  
  
He didn't see the hurt that washed over Angel's eyes, as he turned around quickly and walked over to where the rest of them were still seated. "I have to go home."  
  
A couple of them nodded, while Cordelia got up and gave him a warm hug. Only Anne didn't react at all.  
  
"I'll miss you all, but we won't be strangers okay," he said to them all while still holding Cordelia. Letting go of her, he held out his hand for Wesley, only being mildly surprised when Wesley hugged him as well. A warm farewell from Gunn and Fred followed, and then he watched as they all walked away, as though they all sensed he had a more serious farewell to have with Anne.  
  
"Anne," he said gently offering his hand to her, worried that she had been silent since he had said he was going home.  
  
When Anne looked up, the first thing that Xander noticed was the tear that was falling from her left eye. He gently wiped it away, and pulled her up to him, holding on tight as she squeezed him with her arms.  
  
"I have to go back,' he said after a few seconds.  
  
Anne pulled back and laughed a little, trying to hide her pain with a chuckle. "I know," she said softly, looking over at Cordelia and remembering a a conversation they had a while ago. "I've always known you were here on borrowed time, Xander."  
  
Holding her, Xander for the first time let himself believe the feelings he had for her, and from her, were real. "It's not a dream anymore," he told her in not more than a whisper.  
  
The smile that broke out on Anne's face let him know that she understood. He bent down and kissed her firmly yet, gently on the lips, breaking it after a second.   
  
Giving her one last trademark grin, he stepped away and took one last look at the people he was about to leave, before turning around and walking outside, hiding the tears that had started to fall from his eyes.  
  
He couldn't believe that memories, that only a short while ago seemed like a dream, were now so clear. Leaving his friends in LA was incredibly painful, and he admitted to himself that he was more than a little bit nervous in returning home. He had no idea if he would be welcome, let alone whether he would be able to repair the friendships he had left behind over two years ago.   
  
He reached down to open his car when he felt a hand pull back on his arm. Spinning around he came face to face with Anne. This time she reached around his neck and pulled him down in a passionate kiss, her lips not leaving his for quite a time.   
  
When they did separate, she put her finger against his lips and simply told him. "When it is all over. When you remember everything."  
  
Xander nodded, knowing exactly what Anne was saying. Then suddenly he got into his car and started it, driving off, without looking back around at the group of his friends that had come to see him drive off. He wanted to get to get to Sunnydale and if he hadn't left then, he didn't know if when he would've gotten up the courage to leave.  
  
And more than his wish to see his friends in Sunnydale again, there was another reason to get to Sunnydale. It was something that he hadn't mentioned to anyone in the hotel. He felt no trust where Angel or Lorne was concerned, and after being played by the 'Powers" for too long now, he decided that this time he would talk only to the gang he came from.   
  
The Scoobies.   
  
After all, if his memories were correct, it affected them more than anyone else.   
  
In all of his remembering the Hellmouth closing, one other image had flashed into his mind on more than one occasion. It left him with an impression that something was going to happen to Buffy. But it wasn't until Lorne's explanation that the image stuck in his brain for more than a second. And it was enough to put aside the anger he felt and look forward to what he knew he had to do.   
  
And it was that image that haunted Xander as he drove along on of LA's many highways.   
  
Buffy Summers  
1981-2006  
Beloved Sister, Daughter, Friend.  
"She gave so everyone was safe"  
  
***********  
  
Inside the hotel, Lorne and Angel had watched the others leave knowing that they wouldn't be welcome outside. After they had all gone outside, Angel turned to Lorne and simply stated.  
  
"It's not over, is it?"  
  
"No, it's not," Lorne replied more serious than Angel had heard him for many a month.  
  
"No it wouldn't be," Angel said bitterly turning around and walking up the stairs, leaving Lorne alone in the lobby.  
  
End Part Eleven 


	12. Twelve

Part Twelve  
  
The sun slowly poked its head above the horizon, bringing light onto what Xander expected to be one of the more difficult days of his life. And considering some of the ones Xander had experienced in the last few years that was some prediction.  
  
Even now, just hours after leaving his friends, and home for the last three years, in LA it all still seemed surreal. He found it hard to reconcile the fact that he'd stayed away from Sunnydale for so long. Even harder was the very little contact he'd with any of them. And even though he knew that he was under some sort of magic, perpetrated by the powers that be, it chilled him to the bone that he could abandon his friends like that.   
  
Of course, even Xander could wryly appreciate the irony, that in going home, he was leaving a new set of friends. Though at least this time he could be sure it was done of his own volition, and they understood.  
  
Xander's biggest immediate worry was his welcome in Sunnydale. During his time in Sunnydale, Xander had virtually no contact with them. Not that he tried to initiate any contact, but it still bothered him that they hadn't tried either. Now he was about to pop up on their doorstep, just days after what must've been their hardest battle. He only hoped that they would hug him first, giving him a chance to explain before they punched him in the face.   
  
But whatever the welcome was, Xander wouldn't leave. There was too much riding on what he knew.  
  
***************  
  
The buzzing of the alarm clock awoke Dawn from what was, all things considered, a very pleasant dream. Not that she remembered much. But for the first time in weeks, she slept easily.   
  
Slowly lifting the sheets and swinging her legs out over the edge, she let gravity do its thing and stood up, yawning, but feeling quite content with life. She slowly meandered over to the window and peered outside, taking in the fact that this was truly the first morning of peace, the city of Sunnydale had been blessed with for it's entire existence.   
  
The Hellmouth may have closed two nights ago, but yesterday they were all too exhausted to truly appreciate it. Dawn's exhaustion came more from worry, as Buffy still hadn't exactly warmed to the idea of Dawn helping out.  
  
'Over my dead body' was the phrase Dawn could remember hearing on most occasions when she or anyone mentioned her helping out. Not that Dawn cared any longer. The Hellmouth was closed and Buffy could at least try and have a normal life. It was something that Dawn never truly believed her sister would have.  
  
Which is what Dawn was looking forward to as well. With her Senior Prom only a number of weeks away, as well as graduation, she truly believed for the first time that it might go off without a hitch.   
  
For now however, a good breakfast was what she was screaming out for. Then there was the prospect of yet another day of high school.   
  
*********************  
  
The very familiar sign welcoming people to Sunnydale was a pleasant reminder of home to Xander as he drove past it. It was a little later than he expected to be when he arrived in Sunnydale, but a combination of nerves and a feeling that arriving on Buffy's doorstep at 6.00am wasn't the best thing to o, necessitated a stop for a highway breakfast.  
  
It hadn't solved any of his trepidation about this homecoming, but it had filled his stomach, which at least had the side effect of making him feel less like throwing up.  
  
But those feelings evaporated as he pulled up outside the familiar front visage of casa Summers. In those first few moments, it felt to Xander as though, in just a few seconds, he experienced all the other times he'd arrived at Buffy's house. From the first time in his sophomore year of high school, till the last day before he left, it was a tangible feeling that ran through his body as he looked on at the house facing him, almost as if it was alive and excited at Xander's return.  
  
Putting the uneasiness to one side, he got out of his car and took one last breath, before walking up to the door and seeing what his immediate future had in stall for him.   
  
**************  
  
"Hey sleepyhead," Dawn said cheerfully as Buffy entered the kitchen.  
  
Buffy scrunched her face. "Where's my sister and what've you done with her?'  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny. Can't a girl be in a good mood," Dawn replied.  
  
Buffy watched Dawn closely and replied, "Yes you can, but usually not before 8.00am on a weekday. So, what do you want?"  
  
Dawn raised her hand to her chest in mock indignation. "What, me?"  
  
"Yes, you," Buffy replied laughing a little. Acting wounded wasn't Dawn's strongest suit. "So where does Adam want to take you?"  
  
Dawn blushed a little, not for a moment thinking that Buffy wouldn't see through her actions. "Not that I had an ulterior motive, but, there's this party on Friday night."  
  
"Fine," Buffy replied.  
  
"Fine?" Dawn said back, not believing how easy that was.   
  
"Yep, Fine," Buffy said not really looking at her sister, instead just taking a sip of her orange juice.  
  
Now it was Dawn's turn to wonder what was going on. "So what gives?"  
  
"I trust you," Buffy replied. Seeing the look that Dawn shot her, she added, "Also no vampires around, and the best thing, Adam's still scared of me and wouldn't dare do anything he shouldn't.'  
  
There was something about Buffy's grin that struck Dawn as decidedly evil, but she knew it to be true. One of these days she swore she would make her boyfriend see Buffy for the annoying older sister she was, and not some frightening over-bearing assassin.  
  
A knock at the front door startled them both out of there little sister game.   
  
"Is Adam picking you up?" Buffy asked, surprised that someone would be knocking on her door this early in the morning.  
  
"No," Dawn replied. "Not as far as I know." Glancing at her watch, she frowned. "And if he is, he's way too early."  
  
Dawn got up from the table and walked the short distance to the front door, and opened it.  
  
"Not that I don't like surprises..." Dawns words faded away in her throat as her eyes focussed on the person in front of her.  
  
She couldn't believe what she was seeing. He was actually there, standing in front of her, after all this time.   
  
"Xander..." Dawn struggled to get the words out of her throat, as the multitude if emotions that ran through her, threatened to burst out.  
  
"Hi Dawn," Xander replied softly, at once thinking of how much he'd missed her and hating the confusion that showed on her face. She looked older, as anyone would after four years, but Xander was still taken aback by her natural beauty that radiated from her. Not just in her looks, but in her whole manner. Xander had always thought she was a beautiful person, and in the time since he'd seen her last, the glow hadn't left her body.   
  
"Umm.." Dawn softly said as she backed away. "I can't..." She added, before turning around and running up the stairs.  
  
"Dawn! Wait," Xander pleaded with her as he saw her run away from him. When it was obvious she wasn't coming back down the stairs, he muttered, "Shit" under his breath. He wanted to follow her up the stairs and let her know he was sorry for leaving her for so long. To tell her it wasn't his fault. But her un-welcome had provided him with more than enough evidence that he was no longer a resident of the Summers' household, and to simply walk in was a luxury he'd no right to expect. Instead he waited on the doorstep, hoping that either Dawn would eventually come back down, or Buffy would show up.  
  
"Dawn, who's at the door?" Buffy asked from the kitchen.  
  
The temptation to yell out that it was him was hard for Xander to resist, but it felt too much like intruding. He didn't think he would have too long to wait till Buffy's worry about the non-response from Dawn would lead her the front door anyway.  
  
"Dawn!" Buffy called out again, as she came out from the kitchen, stopping suddenly when she saw who was standing in the doorway.  
  
Xander could tell by the way Buffy's eyes opened up, that she was struggling to believe that he was real. "Hi Buff," he said softly, feeling the overwhelming need to rush in and hug his friend, if only to show her he was so happy she was okay.  
  
After a moment, and after a horrible pause where Xander was sure she was going to run away as well, Buffy started walking towards him, each step getting quicker, till she was there, wrapping her arms around him, holding him tightly.  
  
The tension that Xander felt, dissipated almost immediately and he in turn wrapped his arms around Buffy and felt the warmth that flowed between them as the two great friends reunited after so long.  
  
He was home.  
  
*************  
  
"He just comes here and expects me to welcome him with open arms" Dawn said to herself as she was pacing around the room. She hadn't settled down since running away from Xander earlier.   
  
"Well no! Not from me!" she stated again, before collapsing on her bed, burring her head in her pillows. When she raised it a few seconds later, the anger she felt had been replaced by sadness and just a little bit of embarrassment.  
  
She'd put Xander behind her, two years ago. Moved past her hurt. Gotten along with her life. And then when everything seemed to be going so well he walked back into her life.  
  
Dawn crawled over to her cupboard and opened up the door. Pulling some shoes and boxes away, to get at the wall at the back of the cupboard, she pushed on a hatch and pulled a shoe box out, not bothering to put the rest of her belongings back where they'd been. Instead she grabbed the shoebox and went and sat back down on her bed, cross-legged, with the box placed just in front of her.  
  
She paused for a moment, as if deciding whether she really wanted to see what was hidden inside the small white box in front of her. Then suddenly she pulled the top off the box and gasped at what was facing her. Not that she didn't know what was in the box, but being confronted with THAT photo was not expected.  
  
She picked up the photo in question and brought it up closer to her face. The memory brought a smile to her face, and she remembered back to that Christmas in 2001 when it was taken.   
  
"Say Cheese," Anya called out, as she pointed the camera at Xander and Dawn.  
  
"How about I say runaway with me?' Dawn joked back at Anya.  
  
"Fifteen," Buffy added succinctly from across the room, causing them all to laugh.  
  
"Come on, be serious I want to take the picture," Anya complained.  
  
"Sorry, Ahn. Okay ready," Xander said, wrapping his arms around her.  
  
Dawn, forgetting that his fiancé was taking the picture, and that her over protective sister was looking on, leant into Xander and enjoyed every moment of the embrace, till the flash went off in her eyes.  
  
Now over three years later, Dawn softly rubbed her fingers down the photo, across the outline of both her and Xander, remembering when she wanted nothing more than to have him around.   
  
"I wish I hated you," she whispered, looking straight into his eyes.  
  
****************  
  
"My god, Xander!" Buffy squealed again, as they went in and sat down in the living room, feeling the need to say his name over and over, just to make sure it was him.  
  
"It's good to see you Buffy," Xander replied.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked, the realising how that must've sounded, she put her hand over her mouth and looked at him apologetically. "Sorry, not that I'm not extremely happy to see you, but it's a bit of a shock."  
  
Xander laughed. "I understand. But it's sort of a long story. Are you okay, though?" he asked.  
  
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" she replied, puzzled.  
  
"Well," Xander started, knowing that it was the first words that he would speak that would lead to a story stretching back almost four years. "You guys did just close the Hellmouth."  
  
Buffy looked at him startled. "You know about that?"  
  
"Umm, yeah, I ran into Cordy and the crew last night, when they got back." Xander said, before stopping. There was something in Buffy's eyes that worried him. "What's up?"  
  
Buffy didn't want to be angry. Not when Xander had just come back into their lives. But she couldn't hide the fact she hurt hat he wasn't there to help them. "It's just Angel told us that you weren't interested in that side of things anymore. You spent all your time working or at some youth shelter."  
  
Even though Xander knew that Angel's cover, necessitated the need to lie about him to Buffy and the others, he still felt the hatred for the soulful vampire growing inside him. "Damn him!" he spat out, under his breath.  
  
"What's that?" Buffy asked.  
  
The last thing Xander wanted to do was get into an argument with Buffy over Angel. For one thing that seemed so much like High School and until he told his story, he'd little or no credibility.  
  
"Nothing Buffy. I think it's probably best if I start at the beginning," Xander replied, mentally preparing himself for what was to come.  
  
*****************  
  
As Dawn shut the door to her room, careful not to make too much noise, to alert either Xander of her sister to her presences, she strained to hear where exactly they were. Not being able to hear anything, she carefully walked over to the top of the staircase and peered down below into the living room, happy to see that there was no one in the room.   
  
As she made the first few steps down the stairs, she heard a noise come from what she could only think was the kitchen, and realised that if she didn't get out soon, she would be trapped by both of them.   
  
Taking a breath, she skipped down the last few steps and quickly opened and shut the door, not caring if anyone heard her, once she'd made it to the safety of the footpath outside.  
  
Each of the cracks in the pavement made a pleasant distraction for Dawn, as she walked towards the school. That and the strange thought of actually being glad that today was a school day.  
  
****************  
  
"Dawn!" Buffy called out, as she walked towards the front door. Having heard the door closing she'd hoped to catch her little sister before she went to school, but one quick look outside the window gave her enough evidence to show that Dawn had made her getaway.  
  
Turning back she saw that Xander had moved up behind her. "Sorry about that,' she told him apologetically.  
  
"It's not your fault,' Xander said sadly, moving over to look down the road, catching one last glimpse of Dawn before she disappeared from view. "I don't blame her either."  
  
Buffy could hear the sadness in Xander's voice. She'd sat there riveted as Xander explained to her about how the Powers had 'bewitched' him to stay in LA, been hurt badly over Angle's role in it all, and surprised and worried over what the implications of Xander having come back from the future. But through it all, she sensed one great feeling from him.   
  
Beyond anything else, he seemed more upset about leaving them in Sunnydale then anything that the Powers had done to him.  
  
"She hurt really bad when you left Xander," Buffy told him, laying a hand on his shoulder in support. "I never quite understood how close you too had become, till you left and saw what it did to her. I don't think she's gotten over it yet."  
  
Xander knew Buffy wasn't blaming him, but it made no less painful to hear what happened after he stayed in LA. "No, I don't think she has," Xander replied, thinking to what her reaction to seeing him was, earlier on. A sudden thought occurred to him, and in thinking it, he wondered why it hadn't occurred to him earlier.   
  
"Buffy, why didn't you, or Dawn, or anyone try and come and see me?"  
  
Buffy was about to answer when she paused and though more about what Xander had said. It felt strange to her. She was sure she'd tried to contact him, either by writing or phoning, but now looking back she couldn't recall any specific circumstances.   
  
"I really don't know anymore, Xan."   
  
To Xander it looked like Buffy was trying to seriously remember why, and it only re-enforced what he'd expected since he found out about his own little mind warp.  
  
"Arghh, why can't I remember?" Buffy asked, the frustration she felt oozing out of her.   
  
"Don't try thinking why, Buffy." Xander said calmly to her. "I doubt the powers left my friends in either LA or Sunnydale out of their little game. Just little nudges whenever they were necessary."   
  
Xander shook his head, wondering exactly how far the deception ran. "You know it never occurred to me while I was in LA, but at the start they all tried to get me to go home, but then just accepted it. And I've no idea if that was them, or something guiding them."  
  
"So how do you live with what they did?" Buffy asked.  
  
Xander shrugged. "Honestly I don't know how. It's been less than twenty-fours hours since I found out how much of a puppet I've been, and at present I'm just trying to grab onto reality." He gave Buffy a sly grin. "Thought I'd come here for a nice dose of it."  
  
Buffy couldn't help but laugh. "Want another shot, Mr Harris. Cause I know some people who would love to see you."  
  
Xander simply nodded. He could take as many doses as possible.   
  
************  
  
It wasn't just Stacey that noticed Dawn seemed more than just preoccupied while sitting around the student lounge. Unlike, however, some of the other people that had tried to get her attention that morning, she'd a stubborn streak that ran a mile long, and as such she wasn't going to give up when Dawn gave no response to a friendly welcome.   
  
It was rather ironic that in trying to get Dawn's attention, Stacey succeeded in only drawing more attention to herself, rather than alerting her best friend that she was standing in front of her. Stacey usually couldn't be ignored. Standing at almost six feet tall, and with long flowing extremely bright red hair, which even when it was tied up in a ponytail almost reached her waist, she was just unmissable.  
  
Well that was to everyone except Dawn Summers. At least on this particular morning.   
  
"Yo Dawn," she hollered again, this time a little louder, as all of her previous attempts at attracting her attention had failed miserably.   
  
Surprising, considering the volume at which she'd yelled, it wasn't her voice that snapped Dawn out of her thoughts. It was the light smack on her knee that followed as Stacey, having finally accepted defeat, quit calling and sat down next to her instead.  
  
"Oh, Hi Stace," Dawn said welcoming her, having no idea that she'd been standing in front of her, making a fool out of herself for the last minute.  
  
The look Stacey gave her, left Dawn in no doubt that she'd missed something. "What?" the confused brunette asked.  
  
"Where have you been, girl?" Stacey asked.  
  
"Umm, here," Dawn replied, shrugging still in the dark.  
  
"Anything you want to tell me?"   
  
This time it was Dawn that looked at her friend closely wondering what she was exactly missing in this conversation. "No, not really," she told her before adding. "Is there something I missed?"  
  
Stacey could tell by the bewilderment that was plastered on Dawn's face, that she'd no clue at all, and that only made her laugh. "Dawn, girl, what's Adam done this time?"  
  
"Nothing, why?" Dawn replied defensively. She'd endured one too many concerned lectures from her best friend about her boyfriend, and had thought that last time they'd agreed to leave it as an off limit topic.  
  
"Hey, not ragging on him or anything, you were just million miles away."  
  
Seeing that it hadn't made it any clearer for her, Stacey added, "You didn't even see me jumping up and down in front of you. Making myself look like a complete prat, I might add."  
  
Dawn couldn't help but giggle at what must have been an impressive display. "Sorry I missed it."  
  
"Oh, shut up," Stacey replied, smacking Dawn lightly on the leg. "So what's up?"  
  
Dawn didn't answer straight away, not really sure if she wanted to bring up some of the thoughts that were flying through her head at point. But Stacey had been there for her the last few years, and knew pretty much all about everything. Well if you discounted the whole evil demons wanting to kill you part. So se decided to trust in her best friend.  
  
"Xander's back," Dawn replied softly.  
  
"Oh!" Stacey replied, letting out a breath and falling back into the chair, and giving Dawn a supportive pat on the back.  
  
***************  
  
"That's quite a story," Giles said as he leant back and cleaned his glasses, still taking in exactly what Xander had just informed them all. That and the fact that he was sitting across from a boy he used to almost think of as a son, and yet had no contact with for almost three years.  
  
When Buffy had called him earlier in the day, saying that Xander had come home, Giles didn't know whether to be happy or mad. In the end he opted for happy and welcomed Xander back, as did Willow and Tara. Even with the warm welcome, Xander could tell they were all upset at him leaving, but after hearing his story, and agreeing that they couldn't be sure just how much their actions had been influenced by higher powers, they concentrated more on the implications of what Lorne had told Xander.   
  
"You can help with memory stuff, with your Wicca powers, right, Will?" Xander asked, remembering a conversation he'd with Willow years earlier.  
  
"Umm, well, yeah, but not me," Willow replied, looking a little embarrassed. "I'm retired these days, but Tara could," She added looking at Tara.  
  
Xander had momentarily forgotten about Willow's Magic problem and mentally kicked himself for bring it up. His glance, shifted to Tara, and he was happy when she nodded.  
  
"Sure, I can help you," she told him, with that smile that she always displayed when she was happy.  
  
"You have no idea of when it was you went?" Giles asked, still rolling around the whole implications of Xander being shunted into the future, and returning.  
  
"No, and I doubt Lorne would tell anyone even if he knew," Xander said a little bitterly. "To be honest, it's not all that clear. None of it."  
  
"Well, there'll be plenty of time to find out," Giles replied, getting up, not noticing the wash of guilt that briefly flashed over Xander's face, before he was able to hide it. "But I must get back to the store. It's good to have you back, Xander"  
  
Xander got up and shook Giles hand, feeling with each passing moment the pleasure of being back with his family. "I'll stop in and see you tomorrow," Xander told him, as he watched Giles say goodbye to the rest and leave. He hated that he was keeping something from them all. But he couldn't bring himself to end a pleasant day blurting out, 'Oh and the other thing I remember is that Buffy is going to die next year.' Even if he knew for sure it would happen, and the date and circumstances, he doubted if he could've said so on this, his first day at home.  
  
"Does anyone want a drink?" Buffy asked, after Giles had left. She'd a feeling that no-one else would be leaving for a while and if the way she felt were any indication, they would be celebrating Xander's return for a few hours more, at least.  
  
"Sounds good," Xander replied, as he got up to help.  
  
"No, you sit down," Buffy mockingly snapped at him, causing nothing more than muted laugh to come from Xander's lips.  
  
"Yes, maam," he said almost tempted to salute her, as Buffy turned around and left, forcing herself not to throw something soft at Xander's head. She didn't know why, but having him back had brought the fun back into their lives. And even though they were now in their mid-twenties, sometimes as old friends can do, they all made themselves act and feel a lot younger.   
  
It was something that Buffy had definitely missed.  
  
As Buffy exited from view, the front door opened and in walked two teenagers. One Xander instantly recognised, while the other was a stranger to him, thought he figured he would never forget the red hair again.  
  
They both stopped when they saw who was in the lounge room. Dawn with a lot of trepidation, and Stacey with a look of anticipation.  
  
Xander for his part said nothing, instead just starred at Dawn, almost willing her to forgive him with the look of his eyes. He hated it, but he felt scared to say anything, less Dawn hi-tail it out there again.  
  
To Tara it was an interesting scene evolving in front of her. She'd always seen things happening around her. Maybe it was an offshoot of being so quiet but there wasn't much that she missed. She saw Xander's look when Giles mentioned having a lot of time, but thought better of saying anything. If Xander and her were going to be working together to search his memory, trust would be important.   
  
And now she noticed a great deal of tension in the room, even more than had been evident when Giles or Willow and her arrived.   
  
"Hi Dawnee," she said cheerfully, then nodding to her friend. "Stacey."  
  
"Hey Tara,' Dawn and Stacey both replied almost at the same time. However while Stacey looked at Tara and smiled warmly at her, Dawn hadn't moved her eyes from the other person in the room.   
  
Finally after about ten seconds, even though they would both agree it felt like hours, Dawn softly spoke. "Welcome back Xander."  
  
Xander felt like breaking down at those three little words, each of them meaning so much to him. However when he went to get up and approach her, he was shocked to see her back away.  
  
"No, we're fine," she said, before turning and walking up the stairs to her room.  
  
Stacey gave both Xander and Tara an apologetic look, before following her best friend upstairs, leaving the room in silence, till the sound of the bedroom door being shut broke it.  
  
Xander who'd not resumed his seat, turned slowly to Tara, and as if he felt the need to explain, simply said, "Well at least she said hello."  
  
End Part Twelve 


	13. Thirteen

Part Thirteen  
  
Unpleasant wasn't the word that Xander would use to describe the sensation that flowed up his legs. If anything he would have to describe it as warm and peaceful. He could feel it as it rose through every vein, bone and muscle, bringing with it, it's own special type of contentment. The remnants of the little nagging fears he had as he entered Tara's apartment were swiftly being eradicated by the almost unnatural calm that accompanied the warm glow.   
  
He hadn't confessed any of his fears to either her or any of his friends, but the thought of someone, even a trusted friend have unfiltered access to his sub-conscious, wasn't high on Xander Harris's list of all time favourite things to do. Not that he felt he had anything to hide, but that after all was half the problem. He had no idea if there was something that should be kept hidden.   
  
Tara had assured Xander that she wouldn't be using any dangerous Magic on him. The words she was saying to him now, as he lay there, were a simple relaxing chant that would only serve to open his mind to her suggestions to come later. Xander had asked if she should be using something stronger to break through whatever barriers his inner being had placed up around his missing time, but Tara had dismissed it, saying that it wasn't an option at present. She was adamant that those Magic should only be called upon under the worst of circumstances.  
  
So it was a reduced, if not totally erased sense of unease that accompanied Xander when he knocked on Tara's door earlier that evening, and then led into her and Willow's spare room, which to Xander's estimation had been transformed into some sort of relaxation centre.   
  
At least that was what he thought now, as the glow that had steadily moved up from his pelvis, was now filling his head out to the tips of his ears. Over the top of it all he could only hear Tara's voice still softly telling him where the glow was going.  
  
"Feel it move out of the tips of your body, leaving your in total relaxation," she softly said, as Xander became aware of an almost floating sensation as the warmth radiated around him, no longer contained inside.  
  
"I want you to imagine you're in hallway. On each side is a row of doors," Tara continued, her voice seemingly floating in from different angles.   
  
Xander felt himself glide through a thick mist that slowly, but surely dissipated revealing a long corridor stretching out as far as his eye could see. The floor was covered in a red and brown designed carpet, which also continued on the horizon, but on the sides it seemed to meld seamlessly into the walls. On each side of the hallway, at intervals of about five metres were doorways. Tall imposing doors, each of them at least three metres high and two metres across, Xander noticed that no two doors looked the same.   
  
"Can you see the doors?" Tara asked.  
  
"Yes!" Xander replied, not feeling at all disconcerted that when he spoke, it sounded as though someone else was speaking.   
  
"I want you to pick one of the doors, open it and walk through."  
  
Xander couldn't remember actual walking up to any one door, or even pulling on the doorknob to open it, but then all of the sudden he was starring at the blackness beyond the doorway, that he had apparently chose. Part of him didn't want to go any further, feeling nothing but pain in front of him, but Tara's words of reassurance, that nothing bad could happen to him, gave Xander the mettle to take the one step over the line.  
  
  
*****************  
  
"Xander wake up!"  
  
The first thing he noticed as Tara's voice entered his head was the sound of urgency in it. This wasn't the same calm voice she had used when putting him under.   
  
Shaking his head to wake up quicker, he opened his eyes, being a little surprised to see an obviously concerned face hovering above him.  
  
"Umm, hi Tara," he said a little nervously.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked, rocking back a bit, but still reaching out to lightly touch Xander's shoulder.   
  
"I'm fine," Xander replied, actually feeling better that when he had entered the room. "Whatever spell you used, worked a charm for relaxing me."  
  
"But, but..." Tara started, looking at Xander incredulously. "You don't remember?"  
  
Xander, who by this time had become more than worried at Tara's tone, was now filled with confusion. "Umm, no, that's why I came here."  
  
"No, not that," Tara replied, the concern not having waned at all, even though Xander seemed to be okay. "Xander I've been trying to wake you up for almost half an hour. You were completely under and not making any sense."  
  
Seeing how much Tara was worried about the incident, Xander quickly realised that whatever had happened hadn't been in Tara's original plan. "I'm sorry, It's just that for me it was just like a relaxing sleep."  
  
While Tara's face didn't show any lessening of her worry, she did let out a breath and seemed to relax a little. "It was weird," she stated.  
  
"How so?"  
  
"It's just that it has never happened like that before."  
  
"Maybe my memories are really gone," Xander said softly, not hiding how upset the thought of that would be.  
  
Tara shook her head. "I don't think so," she told him. She paused for a moment, wondering if the session she had just shared with him, gave her the right to pry into something he had obviously wanted to keep quiet. In the end, a combination of deciding that Xander had obviously trusted her to agree to this in the first place, and a few very clearly called out 'Buffy's' while he was under, gave her all the reason she needed.  
  
"Do you remember anything that you haven't told me?" she asked as delicately as possible.  
  
Despite his first inclination to say no, Xander realised that if this was going to work, he had to be completely truthful with someone at least. And since Tara had been given the job of trying to put his mind back together again, he thought she should at least have all the pieces.   
  
"Yeah," Xander admitted. "It's not much, but I just didn't want to tell everyone yesterday. I mean I'd just got back, and the last thing I wanted to do was depress everyone."  
  
Tara had thought that it mightn't be the most pleasant of news. If Xander had been in the future, it was very likely that along with what she hoped would be news of joy, a fair share of unhappiness would accompany it. Life on the Hellmouth, even an ex one, would almost dictate that as 'life'.  
  
"That's okay," she told him warmly, if a little too motherly, but if Xander was offended he didn't show it. "What do you remember?"  
  
"Like I said, it's not much," Xander started, if only to give himself a few more minutes before blurting on the horrible truth. How do you tell someone that a friend is going to die within a year or so? Even if you weren't sure, it wasn't the easiest thing to bring up in polite conversation.   
  
"When I remembered about the Hellmouth closing, I also remembered something else. I apparently fainted, and was out for a while, but one image stuck with me as I came too." Xander closed his eyes, reliving the horrible sight that his mind had let out for him to see. "It was a gravestone, for Buffy."   
  
Tara couldn't help but bring her hand up to her mouth in shock. "When?" she whispered to him.  
  
"Next year," Xander replied, shaking his head. "But I'm not sure if it's true. I mean it's not like I have a indexed memory in here," Xander added, knocking on his skull in an added effort to try and alleviate the general mood of despair that seemed to have settled on the room.   
  
"But you were sure enough to come straight back to Sunnydale?" Tara asked.  
  
"Yeah. But I would've come back anyway, as the spell, or whatever it was had been lifted from my mind." Even though he realised that his friends in Sunnydale, with the visible exception of Dawn, all understood he had no choice in his staying in LA, he still felt guilty about it, and felt the need to reiterate why he came back.  
  
"I think we should tell Giles."  
  
Xander nodded. "Yeah, I thought so too."  
  
"And in the mean time, you should keep a record of everything you remember," she added.  
  
"Like a diary?" Xander asked not exactly in love with the idea.  
  
"Yeah, or a journal. I'll keep one too. It's important to write in it as soon as you remember something, that way nothing will be forgotten."  
  
"We'll try this all again tomorrow," Tara told him.   
  
"Yes, we should," Xander replied equally as serious. "Everyday if we have to."   
  
*************  
  
The ringing of the doorbell hid any of the trepidation Xander was feeling as he walked up the pathway to Buffy and Dawn's place. He had been back in Sunnydale for almost a month now, and while his relationship with most of his friends had been warmly and fondly rekindled, Dawn was proving to be a harder nut to crack.   
  
Xander realised of course that Dawn was younger than the rest of them, but in that he also sadly reflected that back when they used to hang out together, it was hardly an issue. He had missed basically all of her high school years, and yet he felt the gulf between them was larger than the three years he'd been away.  
  
He hadn't been at all surprised when Giles and Buffy decided that Dawn needn't know about Xander's memory of what may happen to Buffy. They had after all kept Dawn out of most things before Xander went to LA, and it didn't seem strange that they hadn't changed that policy. Though Xander could just picture Dawn reacting angrily a few years ago to the secrecy, even in the few times that he had seen her, Xander knew that she had her own life separate from the Scooby Gang, and he couldn't help but feel happy for that.  
  
Unfortunately he hadn't been able to tell her any of that, as apart from a quick and unemotional, hello, or goodbye, Dawn had yet to say a sentence to Xander on the few times that he had come over.  
  
And while Xander, just last week had thought about giving up, trying to get through to her, something deep inside him, changed his mind. Nothing tangible, but Xander wasn't going to give up so easily, and if nothing else Dawn was going to learn that she wasn't the only stubborn person in Sunnydale.  
  
"Hey," Buffy said brightly as she opened the door, giving him a hug as they met in the doorway. "Thank god you're here, I don't know if I could take any more of the 'Prom' pressure by my self."  
  
Xander hugged Buffy back, and then walked through as they broke apart. "Prom pressure?" he asked intrigued.  
  
"Yeah, it's Dawn's Prom, tonight." Buffy replied, as she followed him in to the lounge room.   
  
Hearing those words, Xander couldn't help but think that he picked the wrong night to keep Buffy company. "Umm, maybe I should go?"  
  
Buffy stared blankly at Xander as he said it. "Why?" she asked.  
  
"It's Dawn's Prom. You do remember what a big deal the Prom is?"  
  
"Yeah, lots of doggies on the loose," Buffy replied flippantly.  
  
"Buff," Xander replied trying to be serious, although Buffy's infliction when she said 'doggies' did make his job of stifling that laughter extremely difficult.  
  
"Oh, come on Xander, not even a giggle," she said teasingly.  
  
It took one look into her pleading eyes, for Xander to loose his façade of seriousness. "You don't play fair," he said in between laughs.  
  
"No, I don't. But then again, I'm not the one who was going to run from my sister was I?"  
  
Xander knew that Buffy was only trying to help, but he still couldn't help think that tonight wasn't the night to try and mend the bridge leading to Dawnland. "What I meant was, do you remember you special the Prom was to you back in high school. You looked forward to it for months, and built it up to such a high level that you couldn't possibly reach the pedestal you had placed it on, but still, you wanted nothing to come between you and the Prom."  
  
"I do remember, Xander. But I'm not having one of my best friends feel unwelcome because of it, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Xander replied, looking up to the roof, where he knew Dawn would be frantically getting ready.  
  
"So how's the sessions with Tara going?" Buffy asked, knowing that Xander had just come from there.  
  
Xander shrugged, feeling helpless and frustrated on that matter. "We don't seem to be making any progress. Sometimes, I see nothing, and other times I don't remember anything, but Tara says I was definitely remembering things, but not in any logical order, so apart from some names, none of it makes sense."  
  
"You'll get there. It'll just take time." Buffy said re-assuredly.  
  
"Time's slowly running out," Xander said solemnly.  
  
Buffy grabbed Xander's hand and gave it a squeeze. "We still have plenty of time."   
  
The assuredness, with which she spoke, got through to Xander and for now the guilt lifted. He gave her a smile to let her know he appreciated it. "Thank-you."  
  
Buffy just smiled back and was going to suggest another coffee, when the doorbell interrupted that thought. Buffy got up and walked over, knowing who it would be.  
  
"Hi Stacey," she said cheerfully, as she moved back at let the tall redhead through the door.   
  
Xander could see that she was half way through getting ready, and had obviously planned to do the finishing touches here at Dawn's. When she turned and saw him there, her shock wasn't lost on him, but he gave her a little wave anyway, which she returned before heading up the stairs to Dawn's room.  
  
*************  
  
Upon hearing the knock at her door, Dawn covered herself in her robe, and walked over to open it, glad to see it was Stacey not Buffy coming to see if she needed any more help. Not that she didn't appreciate the interest Buffy was showing in her life, but Dawn felt sufficiently confident enough to be work out what accessories to wear.   
  
And if not, then Stacey was there.  
  
"Hey," she greeted her best friend before closing the door behind her.  
  
"Umm, Dawn, now don't freak out," Stacey said warningly.  
  
"Oh god, don't tell me the limo's been cancelled?" Dawn said, picturing how her perfect night was going up in smoke.  
  
"No, geeze, panic much. Maybe I shouldn't say anything."  
  
"What!" Dawn replied.  
  
"Xander's downstairs." Stacey replied, thinking that saying it straight out may be the best option.  
  
"He's what?" Dawn replied startled, before calming down. "Oh, whatever," she added dismissively.  
  
Stacey raised her eyebrows, not believing for one minute that Dawn really didn't care. "So, you've forgiven him then?"  
  
"What's there to forgive. He stayed in LA. It's a free country. Anyway it's all in the past now."  
  
"Okay, and the fact that you used to dream about him taking you to the Prom, and now he's sitting downstairs, while you're up here getting ready. None of that starts the twilight zone music in your head."  
  
Dawn leant her head to one side, as if she was trying to hear something, but then straightened up after a minute. "Nope, no sixties TV tunes at all."  
  
Stacey was about to argue the point further, but realised tonight wasn't the night for that particular conversation. Especially when they only had an hour till their dates showed up.  
  
*************  
  
  
Buffy and Xander were into their third cup of coffee for the evening, deciding that they would wait till Dawn and Stacey had left, before organising dinner, when the doorbell rang.  
  
"That'll be Adam and Corey," Buffy said, getting up. "Do you want to let them in, while I get the girls?"  
  
"Sure," Xander said as he got up and followed Buffy. When she went upstairs, Xander turned and opened the front door, not all surprised to see two guys in tuxedo's waiting, while parked in front of the house was a limousine.  
  
Adam however, was quite surprised to see Xander answer the door. More than that he had no idea who the guy was, and was about to ask, when he suddenly remembered where he had seen the face before. In the picture on the mantle piece in the front room. The one that Dawn had dismissed, but he got the very clear idea that he was something more than just some guy who used to hang around. And now he was opening the door to his girlfriend's place, and by the looks of things was quite familiar with doing it. Of course it was quite possible that he was simply there to see Buffy, but that wouldn't explain why Dawn was so quick to dismiss his questions and change the subject. Especially when the picture clearly showed that Dawn and him were at least friends.  
  
"Umm, we're here to pick up Dawn and Stacey," he stated after a second or so  
  
"The tux sort of gave that away," Xander said with a grin, then frowning when he noticed just how unimpressed the two guys in front of him were with his attempt at humor.  
  
Xander couldn't help but size the guy in front of him up, but on the surface couldn't find anything to complain about. He seemed to be a nice enough guy, and certainly decked himself out well. Buffy had told Xander about Adam's less than comfortable time around Buffy, something that he was sure Buffy was exacerbating, for the simple reason Buffy seemed to enjoy it just a little too much. And considering that fact, Xander decided that just maybe he deserved a little slack on this night.  
  
"Okay so my joke sucked, but come on in anyway," he told them cheerfully, as they entered. He was about to offer them a drink, when a creak on the floor upstairs told him the girls were on their way down the stairs.  
  
Xander slowly turned to see Buffy walking down the stairs, and then behind her, Dawn and Stacey followed. As much as Xander tried not to, he couldn't tear his eyes away from Dawn. The dress he had chosen to wear complimented her perfectly, as much as he tried to he could tear his gaze away. What's puzzled him more what the feeling that he was experiencing some sort of deja vu. He could feel the goose bumps forming on his arms as he stared almost awestruck as Dawn descended the stairs.   
  
In a split second their eyes met, before Dawn tore hers away. She quickly fixed them on Adam, fighting to ignore the brief flutter that hit her stomach, when   
she saw Xander looking at her.   
  
'Damn him' she thought, before focusing her eyes and thoughts on her boyfriend.   
  
The eye contact, and the fact that unlike Dawn, Xander hadn't drawn his gaze away, wasn't lost on Stacey. She was more than a little surprised that either Buffy or Adam hadn't said or done something about it yet, but quickly glancing around the room answered that question. Buffy had gone over to get the camera, Dawn and Adam were now wrapped up in their own world, and Corey was looking at her. Even still, she doubted Xander could keep up his staring with out being spotted for long, so as she walked past, she made a point of interrupting his thoughts.  
  
"Hi, Xander," she said as she brushed on past, not waiting for a response as she approached her date.  
  
The words however were enough to break Xander's trance like state, and feeling a little embarrassed at being caught like that he took a few steps back, just as Buffy came in with the camera.  
  
Xander was about to walk away, and leave the couples when he heard Adam talking to Dawn as he wrapped his arms around her waist.   
  
"This is going to be the best Prom anyone could have," he told her.  
  
The words weren't spoken that loudly, but after Adam had said them, Xander could hear them reverberating inside his head, getting louder and louder. Then suddenly, as if someone had used a sledgehammer to break through, an image appeared in his mind, causing him to almost shout out in shock.  
  
---  
"The feelings will be there Xander. It'll just be up to you to activate them. I expect you to be the best Prom date a girl could ever have."  
---  
  
It was a woman, lying on a bed, speaking to him. The feelings behind the voice left no doubt as to the love they conveyed, but try as Xander might he couldn't see clearly who said it. Even though she was only inches away from him, she was clouded in fog.   
  
---  
"You'll have the best Prom anyone could have."  
  
"You Promise."  
---  
  
Slowly the fog started to disappear and the face became clearer and clearer, shocking him when it became apparent who it was. Almost not wanting to believe it, he tried to take a few steps away when he heard Dawn say the very same words to her boyfriend.   
  
"You Promise," Dawn replied.  
  
"Promise," Adam replied.  
  
The pain that Xander felt as he heard those words cut him deeply in his heart, but he had no idea s to why. Was it a memory, or a fantasy, or was he just jealous cause Dawn talks to her boyfriend but not himself. Whatever the cause, the hurt he felt was real enough, and as he sat down in one of the seats, he couldn't help but bury his face in his hands, hoping for something to clear up what he had just experienced. He rested there for a few seconds and took a deep breath, thinking that maybe should call Tara, when suddenly his head jolted back, and before he knew what was happening, multiple images and sounds assaulted his inner eye.  
  
---  
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. She died stopping them, didn't she?"  
  
"Xander...Somehow, saying it is good to see you is a little redundant. However, for the want of something better, It is good to see you."  
  
"I still can't believe its you."  
  
"I, and please don't freak out, have more than friendly feelings for you."  
  
"Do you know how long I have been waiting to hear you say that?"  
  
"He's...he's not the same."  
  
"We're meant to be together, Xan. Believe that. This last year's not an accident in fate. I'll always love you."  
  
"I love you. My heart won't forget."  
  
"Xander,"   
---  
  
In little over thirty seconds, Xander felt everything change. A tear fell from Xander's eye, as he lent back in the chair, but he refused to wipe it away.   
  
He knew.  
  
He finally knew.  
  
But now he felt more lost that ever.  
  
***********  
  
"Okay, everyone. Ready?" Buffy called camera at the ready.  
  
"Hurry up," Dawn said through her fixed smile.  
  
Buffy shot off a few group photo's, then took singles and couples before deciding that she had tortured them enough. "Have a great time," she called out to them as they walked out the door, her eyes not leaving them till they entered the limousine and left.  
  
Buffy shut the door behind her and called out for Xander. "What do you want for dinner?"  
  
After a few seconds of no reply, she called out again. "Xander!" This time she followed her words, and walked around the corner to the living room wondering where Xander had gotten. To her shock and surprise she found him sitting in one of the chairs, not even noticing that she was standing there.  
  
"Xander," she said gently this time, laying a hand on his shoulder. As she got closer, she noticed a few tears that were halfway down his cheek.   
  
"What's wrong?" she asked. The thinking she knew the answer she added. "I'm sorry Dawn didn't say goodbye, but she'll come around eventually."  
  
At Dawn's name, Xander turned and looked at her, and she could tell that something had upset him greatly. "Xan? What is it?"  
  
For a moment it looked as though Xander was going to tell her, but then he just shook his head. Getting up, he looked down at Buffy apologetically. "I'm sorry, but I have to go," he told her, before quickly moving away, still apologising as he practically ran out the door.  
  
"Xander!" Buffy yelled out, worried that something was really wrong. But before she could stop him, he had disappeared into the night. Buffy grabbed for the door, ready to close it behind her as she left to go and chase him, but thought better of it. Whatever had upset him, it was obvious he didn't want to talk to her about it, and no matter how much that hurt, she also knew that he had been talking to Tara. So instead she turned around and walked over the phone, dialing the number straight away.  
  
*************  
  
Elsewhere  
  
From the surface of the water, there was no sign of anything-unworldly going on. The waves, as slight as they were, continued to lap up against the huge pylons that supported the Golden Gate Bridge. A wonderment of human technology stood proud out against the shimmering sun, and warm wind, and the natural beauty of the world around it.  
  
But down below the southern most pylon, closest to the shoreline, a force, more powerful than anything unleashed in any of the great San Francisco earthquakes, was starting it slow, methodical, but relentless journey.   
  
And no matter how much rock, mud and water lay in front of it, it kept coming.   
  
  
End Part Thirteen 


	14. Fourteen

Part 14  
  
  
"Hey watch where you're going!"  
  
For a while, Xander couldn't tell if the voice he'd heard was just one of the myriad of sounds reverberating around his head, or something else. It sounded far off, which was surprising when he could see the woman standing in front of him, her hand on her hip, as she waited impatiently for a response.   
  
"I'm sorry," Xander said apologetically, now realising that in his overwhelming thoughts, he'd almost walked into her.  
  
"Look up next time," the lady replied bitterly before stepping around him.  
  
He just stood there watching as she walked off. He had no fight left in him, feeling inside like he's just gone the distance with a prizefighter. He watched as she walked around the corner, and then stared in fascination at all the people walking around Sunnydale that night. None of it seemed real to him, and as people past strode past, he had to fight the urge to pull them up and ask if he knew them. Not that he thought he did, but only a few minutes ago, what he knew and what he didn't got turned substantially on it's head, making Xander very unsure of what was right in his world.   
  
Shaking his head, not so much at the near collision, but in some last attempt to come to grips with his memories, Xander turned around and looked down the street in the opposite direction to that which he was walking. He no longer had any urge to go back to his apartment. He knew exactly where he wanted to go, and how to get there.  
  
He doubted however his dress would pass for formal, but by that time, Xander no longer cared. There was someone he needed to see, and the lack of a tuxedo was no longer a concern.  
  
******  
  
With the wonderful dinner that they'd both prepared now settling in their stomachs, Willow and Tara settled down on the couch. Willow sat down first, then Tara did, letting herself fall into Willow's arms as music from their stereo system started. Tara let herself fall into Willow embrace and let stroke her hair, as she let out a breath, relaxing herself.   
  
It was in this position that the phone rang interrupting their personal nirvana. Tara groaned, but realising that she would have to get up for Willow to answer it, she knew that it would be up to her to answer it anyway.   
  
"Hello," she said, hiding any of her mild irritation.  
  
"Tara," Buffy's slightly panicked voice said, answering Tara's greeting.  
  
"Hey Buffy," Tara replied, then added noticing the tone Buffy spoke with. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I don't know. Xander was over here just before and he acted all weird then, just took off."  
  
"Do you know where he went?" Tara asked, looking down at Willow, letting her know that something was up.  
  
"No. I was going to follow him, but he didn't seem to want to talk to me, so I thought you might have a better... damn I should've followed him."  
  
Tara could notice the slight panic in Buffy's voice and realised that whatever had happened had upset her greatly. "He'll be okay," she said trying to reassure her.   
  
Tara had spent a great deal of time with Xander since his return and knew how much his friendship with all his friends meant to him, especially getting those friendships back to where they were. She couldn't think that Xander would freak Buffy out of purpose, so whatever had happened was something out of the ordinary.   
  
"I'll go over to his place and see if he's there," Tara replied. "I'll call you when I have any news, okay?"  
  
"Thanks. Call me as soon as you know."  
  
"I will. Bye," Tara added, before hanging up and turning her head to where Willow had moved to the right of her. "Xander's taken off, Buffy wanted me to go and see if he went home."  
  
Willow nodded, not questioning why Tara had gotten the job. She knew that the sessions that they had shared would be invaluable in this instance. "I'll come with you."  
  
"Thanks, but I don't know if that's the right thing for Xander," Tara added delicately. If Xander didn't want to talk to Buffy, he may not want to talk to Willow either. Or herself, she realised.  
  
"Just till I know he is okay," Willow replied leaning in and giving her lover a small kiss. "I don't want you waiting by her self."  
  
*******************  
  
The music continued pulsating at a regular, but very loud beat, making it great to dance to, but impossible to hear someone unless you talked straight into their ear. Which is why, Dawn realised, Adam was at present leaning down to whisper to her.   
  
"I'm going to get a drink," Adam he told her, making a face showing how parched he was as way of convincing his girlfriend.   
  
"Okay," Dawn replied, not really wanting to stop dancing already, but knowing that keeping Adam on the dance floor for longer than he wanted was counter productive. That and she noticed that Stacey had taken a seat, having been left even early by her date, and looked like she could do with some company. She followed Adam off the dance floor, her hand entwined in his, till he turned to go to the bar, she went the other way. She watched him walk away, then turned and walked the few steps to where Stacey was sitting down.   
  
Stacey grinned at her as she did. "Adam actually stayed on the dance floor for thirty minutes. I'm impressed," she sarcastically commented.  
  
Dawn simply through her a 'look' and replied, "I see your date has even less staying power."  
  
Even though it was her first inclination to respond with another retort, Stacey, after a moment had to agree. "Yeah, but in my defense, he's Corey," she told Dawn.  
  
Dawn couldn't help herself but laugh. "He is, isn't he. And yet you said yes."  
  
"Well he's also cute," Stacey replied, turning her head to see Corey and Adam in an animated conversation by the drinks area. "Well at least sometimes he is," she said with a giggle.   
  
Dawn laughed as well, before shooting another look over to where Adam had gone off to, her laugh stopping as she did. It was something that didn't go pass Stacey's keen eye. "So, what's wrong?" she asked concerned.  
  
"Nothing," Dawn answered defensively.  
  
"I know you too well for that performance to convince me," Stacey replied.  
  
There was sometimes when a best friend wasn't a good thing. When you are trying to keep secret your feelings is a time when a best friend isn't wanted. However for all the wishing that she hadn't sat down next to Stacey at that particular time, Dawn knew that she couldn't get out of it.   
  
"It's just that, and please don't think I'm being ungrateful, cause it has been a lot of fun tonight, but..."  
  
"But, it doesn't match up to your fantasy," Stacey said finishing off Dawn's sentence. Stacey leant back as if was the least important revelation of the night. "Don't worry. From what my older sister and her friends said, it never does. Well apart from in the movies."  
  
"Yeah," Dawn agreed, still not feeling any brighter.  
  
"Besides, all of your dreams usually involved a man who isn't your date for tonight," Stacey told her. She knew she was being a little indelicate, but whenever it was time to call it how you saw it, Stacey was just the girl to do it.  
  
"That's not fair," Dawn protested. "Adam has been the only one of my mind for the last year at least."  
  
"Until a month ago," Stacey corrected.   
  
Dawn is about to protest again but realised it was pointless. "I never thought I'd see him again, and now it's all so complicated."  
  
"Well it would be considering, you're in a year long relationship with someone else," Stacey replied, "who I know you really like. It's just he doesn't quite match up to the fantasy."  
  
"Nothing ever does," Dawn admitted.  
  
"Well if you actually talked to Xander, instead of running away," Stacey said with a giggle.  
  
"This isn't funny," Dawn said a little annoyed at her best friend laughing at her own expense.  
  
"Sorry," Stacey added, exaggerating her 'sorry' face to maximum effect.  
  
"Oh stop it," Dawn replied, laughing again. She continued laughing as she remembered something from earlier that night. Catching the look Stacey gave, she took pity on her friend and let her into the joke. "Did you see the look that Xander gave me tonight?"  
  
"Oh you missed the best part. I practically had to hit him across the face to get him to break his stare before your boyfriend either got jealous, or ran away and hid."  
  
"Stop it," Dawn said, laughing at the image Stacey had just planted in her mind. When she'd stopped she continued on with her thought. "That look. He looked so hurt, but also..." she paused trying to find the right words.  
  
"Also he was totally checking you out," Stacey added, succinctly as ever.  
  
"He wasn't," Dawn replied indignantly, but not before a small smile escaped her lips at the thought.  
  
"Whatever," Stacey replied, thinking that the conversation was bordering on being sickly cute. She really wanted to talk to Dawn about all of this, but tonight really wasn't the night. There was however one thing she wanted to say.  
  
"Look, it's about time you decided what you wanted from him, or maybe what you want from yourself. Cause if you don't make up your mind and you keep treating him like crap, I don't think there'll be choice to make."  
  
"Well if he actually cared for me, he wouldn't put up with my crap," Dawn replied, flooring Stacey with whatever brand of logic she'd just used.  
  
"Umm, okay," She replied, showing in her face, just how much she thought of what Dawn had just said, and then looking at her friends face she could tell that Dawn herself knew just how bad that what she had said actually sounded.  
  
Dawn's expression, unlike during most of the conversation, showed no trace of humour when she spoke again.   
  
"You didn't know how close we were, Stace. I know I've told you but without being there I'm not sure if you can really know. Don't you think I want that back? I want to be able to tell him anything, to go to him when I feel awful and have him cheer him up. And dammit, to hold him while he's going through whatever the hell it is he's going through."  
  
"Then why don't you," Stacey asked softly and calmly.  
  
Dawn thought about that for a second before answering it. "I just can't. I've tried to, but every time I think about talking to him, all I can see is that letter he sent to me."  
  
Stacey nodded, knowing from one of Dawn's late night explanations, how badly the letter had hurt her in very plain and precise details.  
  
"I just can't get past it." Dawn added quietly.  
  
"You know it only hurts so much, cause you love him," Stacey told her.  
  
"I know," Dawn replied, chuckling a hollow laugh. "I'm kind a sad, aren't I?"  
  
"Not as sad, as I am, leaving you here for this long," Adam said, as he came up from behind and leant down and kissed Dawn on the lips, softly. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.  
  
Dawn smiled at him, and sincerely answered. "I'd love to," before letting him take his hand and be lead to the dance floor.  
  
Stacey wondered how long Adam had been there before he said anything. Maybe he had only just arrived, or maybe he had decided he'd heard enough. Either way she was glad Dawn had been taken back out of the dance floor. Tonight was a night for romantic fun, not the dramas that seemed to be enveloping her friend's life. She shot the couple one last glance, noticing with a smile that Adam was no doubt trying to make up for all the time he'd left her alone, by kissing her softly as they moved together.   
  
Looking back at the bar, she saw, not to her great surprise that Corey was still animatedly chatting with his friends.   
  
'Well,' she thought, 'time to make him cringe at the thought of leaving his date for so long.' And with that she got up and strode purposefully over to where he was standing.   
  
Through the open doorway, not seen by any of the guests at the Prom, a male dressed in jeans and a shirt, poked his head through and searched with his eyes the room in front of him. After a few seconds his eyes clearly focussed on one couple dancing in the middle of the room. He didn't know what it felt like to have a knife plunged into his heart, but at that exact moment, he felt he could make an incredibly accurate guess to exactly how it must feel. Watching as Adam leant down and kissed Dawn again, Xander couldn't face it anymore, and turned and stood in the corridor outside the main room. He wished that he could get it out of his head, but along with all the other memories of Dawn, he had a new one indelibly imprinted on his heart. Shaking his head, angry at even thinking she would be interested in him, he quickly retreated, walking past a teacher who was obviously interested in what this stranger was doing.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing here?" the teacher called out.  
  
But by then Xander had switched off his hearing, and could think of only one thing. He wanted to get home.  
  
To go home and try to forget.  
  
******************  
  
He had no idea how long it had taken him to get back to his apartment building, but by the time he'd reached the ground floor entrance to the stairs, his breath was now short and loud, echoing up the stairwell. Pausing a moment and gathering his thoughts as much as his energy, he then took off up the steps, looking forward to nothing more than a shower and a nights sleep, though he doubted he would get much of the latter. Xander knew he never slept well when he was either, worried, pissed off or upset. As the night he'd just had, pretty much tapped out all of those emotions, he knew he'd been watching the sun rise this morning.   
  
Rounding the end corridor of his apartment building, Xander almost failed to notice the two women who had been sitting in front of his apartment door. If it hadn't been for the fact that he almost tripped over Willow's feet, and that both Willow and Tara were blocking the door, he may well have not even noticed their presence.   
  
As it was, when he righted himself, and looked down, he merely grunted, "Hi," before opening the door and attempting to walk through.   
  
It was Tara that actually placed herself in between Xander and the open doorway, stopping his path.   
  
"What do you want, Tara," Xander said forcibly, but without raising his voice.  
  
"Where've you been?" Willow asked from behind him. "We're all been worried."  
  
"Not everyone," Xander replied bitterly, thinking back to the kiss that he had witnessed less than thirty minutes earlier.  
  
"Buffy called me," Tara said laying a hand on Xander's shoulder. "She was really upset."  
  
Hearing those words, spoken with the even tone that Tara always did, broke through just a little of Xander's mood. It reminded Xander of the sessions that Tara and he had been involved in. How her voice had always been calming to him and made him feel safe. It took the venom away from his voice, but not the intent. "I'm sorry, but I just want to be alone."  
  
"Are you sure?" Willow asked.  
  
"No, I thought I'd just say it for a laugh," Xander replied, his bitterness returning.   
  
"Xander!" Tara said, shocked at how he had just spoken.  
  
"Look," Xander started, running his hands over his temple, trying to keep a lid on his frustration. "I've got a lot of things to think about, and I really don't want to talk to anyone, so please leave me alone," Xander stated, almost keeping his voice at a normal speaking volume.   
  
"No," Tara replied. "I'm not leaving till I know you're okay."   
  
Xander shook his head, letting out a groan. He wanted a drawn out argument even less than company. "Fine, the couch is super comfy, but I suppose it's all a babysitter," he looks over to Willow, "or two, needs."  
  
"Are you sure you are okay?" Willow asks, not wanting to force her way into Xander's apartment. 'Maybe they should leave him for the night,' she thought.   
  
"I'm fine," Xander replied exasperated.  
  
Willow tugged on Tara's arm and indicated that they should go. When Tara turned she saw something in Willow's eyes that told her it would be okay.   
  
"We'll see you tomorrow?" Tara asks.  
  
"Yeah, fine," Xander replied, before taking a step through the door and slamming it behind him, without saying goodbye, leaving two very astonished and worried friends outside.  
  
*****************  
  
Even though she realised it was a fruitless exercise, Buffy continued to replay over and over, the nights events in her mind, trying to work out what caused Xander to run out like that. She was never any good and sitting around and letting others do the work, but tonight she was even less calm. When the sound of knocking shook her from her thoughts she practically rushed over the front door.   
  
She was a little disappointed when she saw it wasn't Xander who had returned, but moved aside to let Willow and Tara enter, noting that they didn't look particularly happy.  
  
"Did you find him?" Buffy asked as she closed the door behind them.  
  
Willow nodded. "Yeah, well, he found us."  
  
"Is he okay?" Buffy asked.  
  
Both Willow and Tara shrugged. "He seemed alright, but..." Tara replied, not knowing how to exactly put Xander's reaction to them. She could tell that he was hurting, but she would be lying if she didn't say it also hurt herself and Willow, how he spoke to them.  
  
"He was really angry and rude to us," Willow added, not having any such dilemma.  
  
"Did he say anything at all?" Buffy wondered.  
  
"Not really, but he said he'll see us tomorrow," Willow replied.  
  
"Well, he said it, but I'm not sure," Tara added. "He's not really himself."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I'm going over to see him," she stated, already heading for the door.  
  
In the haste that she was in, Buffy had almost made it outside the door, when she felt someone lightly try to drag her back. She looked up and noticed with surprise that Tara had been the one to try and stop her. Knowing that she could've quite easily shrugged out of her hand, Buffy stopped instead to see what she had to say.   
  
"Not tonight. See if he comes tomorrow first," Tara told her gently.  
  
Buffy nodded and walked back inside, shutting the door behind her. "I can't help feeling it's my fault," Buffy replied, slumping her shoulders. "If he hadn't jumped in front..."  
  
"That's so long ago. You may as well say it's your fault for moving to Sunnydale." Willow told her, then seeing the slightly hurt look on Buffy's face, she quickly added, "Not that I think it is."  
  
"I just feel helpless," she quietly admitted.   
  
*************  
  
--Now I remember why I love to come home--  
  
The fly had sat there for almost two minutes, Xander surmised. At least that was his estimate for how long he had sat there staring at it. Not that the fly was particularly interesting, but after spending an hour staring at the wall, to have some thing else to take his interest, even if it was something as small as a house-fly, was a welcome distraction.  
  
--Maybe you never loved her, Xander. I may have disliked you, but I thought I could've counted on that--  
  
But just as Xander was finding some solace in the little insect, it flew off, and in the semi-darkness, Xander's reactions weren't quick enough to follow where it flew to.   
  
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff--  
  
Sighing at the end of his little show, Xander was soon abandoned to the thoughts and memories that seemed to be on permanent re-run in his head. He tried to steer his thoughts back to the current night, only have moderate success. He couldn't deny the feeling he had as Dawn walked down the stairs at her place, only to be met by her boyfriend. It was one of pure jealousy, and yet at the time he didn't understand why. That came mere minutes later, when the memories that had been so long blocked from his consciousness broke through and suddenly the love and commitment he felt towards her hit him like a tone of bricks. He couldn't stay at Buffy's it was all too real and raw for him to sit there and have a conversation with the sister of the woman he loved. Although he knew he was being rude, and no doubt worried her greatly, taking off at that point was better than blurting out his love for Dawn. That was one confrontation that he felt would be best put off till he had spoken to woman in question herself.   
  
--What if going back in time has only one effect. And that effect is something to do with you and you die. It's something I won't allow to happen--  
  
But along with his memory of Dawn, everything else came flooding back at the same time. Buffy's death, even though he knew it was coming, had been like an empty shell. But now it was full of details all inside his head. Suddenly he not only had the how and why, but the emotions of when he'd first found out. To be talking to Buffy while at the same time remembering his feelings when he visited her grave, was a position he didn't think he could take at that time.   
  
--Ooh, look who's standing under the mistletoe--  
  
But there were other memories, happy memories that flooded his consciousness as well. His friendship with Wesley and Cordelia brought many of those, but even a few hours later Xander found it hard to remember exactly what was from the future and what was from the past. In fact at present Xander was having a hard time separating any of his memories. His time in LA, which had seemed to be under a cloud of the Powers interference, was melding with the future he would no longer have. His annoyance and feelings of betrayal by Angel had been joined and amplified by the hatred he felt for his future deeds. Deeds that the Angel he knew, wouldn't be doing now. At least he wouldn't if Xander made sure Buffy survived what was coming in San Francisco.   
  
--I don't want you to go--  
  
And thinking of LA always brought up the face of Anne, someone who had been nothing but a great friend to him. Knowing how she felt, and how easily it would be to feel the same way, in the most normal of circumstances he would be sharing his life with her. But now more than ever he understood why he could never be with Anne in LA. He knew why his engagement to Anya failed. And why it tore his heart in two to see Dawn and Adam dancing and kissing at their Prom.  
  
--The only hold I feel, and I love it, is the one you have over me-  
  
His body had known, even if he couldn't remember, his heart was already taken.   
  
--Don't worry. I won't let him go again--  
  
Xander knew however, that the girl that held his heart was gone. Her life would never be lived.  
  
--It's just..wow, you look so....well, old--  
  
And that only made him feel even more alone than he had felt all night.  
  
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff-  
  
He could feel himself being slowly driven crazy with all the conflicting emotions and memories that were running through his head, and had no idea what to do. Going anywhere wasn't an option. No matter what trickery had been involved, he had a chance to save Buffy, and that was more important than anything else at present. He knew they would need all the help they could get. And that meant Angel.  
  
--For gods sake, Angel. You're the one you turned up here, it's about time you told us why?--  
  
Going to LA wasn't the worst idea, Xander would ever have. He had good friends there. But he also knew in his heart that someone else would need to accompany him, just in case the meeting with the souled vampire didn't go all that friendly.   
  
--But you would be back where you belong, and maybe that will be enough to save Buffy--  
  
He knew he had to talk to the others. They all needed to know what he knew. They all needed to work together. But the pain Xander felt personally, needed attention as well and he didn't know whom to turn to. Talking to Buffy would've been the first thing on his list, but since a great deal of his problems revolved around him and Dawn, he vetoed that idea.   
  
--I love you--  
  
In the end, he didn't make a decision. In a way it was made for him. In one of his many glances around the darkened room, he noticed the journal that Tara had given to him, laying on its side against the wall. He immediately remembered how rude he had been to her and Willow and how much Tara had given him in her time to help him since his return to Sunnydale.  
  
--I love you, so much--  
  
Realising that he really didn't want to run through a blow by blow description to anyone of his memories, writing them down would make it a lot easier, and would be easier for someone to understand. As he picked up the book and started writing the first words, he did stop for a second and wonder if he had the right to do what he was about to. Did he have the right to give Tara these memories?  
  
**********  
  
"I'll see you in fifteen," Dawn called out to her friends, who'd just dropped her off, before placing her front door key in the lock and turning it, trying to be as quiet as possible, so not to wake Buffy up.  
  
It took only one step inside however for her to realise that waking Buffy was not a problem, as her older sister was siting by herself, with a cup of coffee, seemingly deep in thought.  
  
"Buffy?" Dawn called out to her, a little worried that her sister had yet to acknowledge her coming through the door.  
  
Buffy glanced up, a little shocked to see Dawn there, but regaining her composure quickly. "Oh, hi Dawn. How was the prom?"  
  
"It was fun," Dawn replied.  
  
Buffy glanced over the clock on the wall, and then looked at surprise at her sister. "If it was so much fun, what're you doing home so early?"  
  
Dawn brushed down the front of her dress and replied, "I'm not going to the all-nighter in this dress. Stacey coming to get me in a little while."  
  
"Oh," Buffy responded.  
  
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked coming over and taking a seat next to her sister.  
  
Buffy didn't want to tell Dawn about what happened. For one thing she was in the middle of her Prom, and even if the formal part of it was over, she didn't think Dawn deserved any news that might bring her mood down. On the flipside however Buffy really didn't want to hear Dawn bad-mouthing Xander again. Not that Dawn had done so in the last few weeks, but then again Buffy had made a point of not bringing him up in conversation if she could help it. One of these days Dawn would have to accept Xander back in their lives, Buffy knew that. But tonight wasn't the night to try.   
  
"It's nothing," Buffy said to her, lying not that successfully.   
  
"Buffy?" Dawn replied, catching the absence of truth in her sister's words.   
  
"It's Xander," she simply said.  
  
"What's happened?" Dawn asked surprising Buffy with her apparent concern.   
  
"Just after you left, he...well I don't know what happened, but he took off out of here. Something happened," she replied, still feeling helpless.  
  
"He left?" Dawn replied sounding alarmed.  
  
Buffy noted the panic in her sister's eyes, and tried to calm her down. "He's hasn't gone anywhere. He's at his apartment. Tara and Willow went over to see if he was okay, but he didn't want to talk to them."  
  
"Sometimes you can't make people talk to you. Maybe he'll have to do that himself."  
  
"Maybe," Buffy agreed, then getting the finding the curious side of her personality she asked, "So what's caused the turnaround on your front?"  
  
"Me?" Dawn said getting up, acting all innocent. The last thing she wanted to tell Buffy was that she realised she had been acting like a brat. "I'm just trying to be comforting to my sister."  
  
Buffy shook her head, not really believing a word that Dawn said, although appreciating the sentiment. "Okay," she said with a smile. "Go and get changed and I'll see you in the morning. Remember you have work at midday."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. "As if I could forget. Giles, I love him to death, but he has a mean streak making me work the day after the prom." She said as she walked up the stairs.  
  
*************  
  
Even though Xander had gone over to visit Willow on so many occasions during his life, it didn't make the butterflies settle any better in his stomach. He knew his actions last night hadn't been fair on his friends, and his less than friendly actions had mostly been vented on the two friends that lived together in the house in front of him. Setting his journal down on one of the chairs that had been set up on the verandah of the house, he pushed the button that rang the doorbell.  
  
A few seconds later, the door opened and Willow appeared from behind the door. It didn't take Xander long to see the hurt Willow had on her face last night hadn't disappeared.  
  
"I'm sorry," Xander told her looking very ashamed at his actions.   
  
"Are you okay?" she asked him.  
  
"Not really," Xander admitted, then after a second simply told her, "I remember."   
  
"Oh my god," Willow squealed, before reaching forward to envelope her life long friend in a hug. She stopped a fraction of a second away from him when she noticed the look of pain on his face.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I can't talk about it now," Xander replied, and then seeing that Willow was about to say something else, he quickly added. "I'm going to get everyone together at the magic shop and tell everyone at once."  
  
"Okay," Willow agreed, understanding why it would be better to tell everyone at once. "I know we haven't been close for years, but I still worry about you," Willow told him.  
  
"You're still my Will,' Xander assured her, only then reaching over and giving her a quick hug.   
  
When he pulled back he asked her, "Is Tara home?"  
  
"Yeah," Willow told him, knowing that he would want to apologise to her as well. She smiled warmly at him and then turned around and walked inside.   
  
"Tara!" he heard her call out.  
  
A few moments later, Tara walked out to the front verandah, greeting Xander warmly when she saw that he looked better than he had the night before. "Hey, come inside," she told him.  
  
Xander shook his head. "I can't stay long," he told her, which was only half the truth. He felt he didn't deserve to be invited inside their house. Not yet anyway. "I'm really sorry about last night."  
  
Tara simply nodded in acceptance of his words. She knew him well enough to know that last night wasn't the Xander they all knew. "You feeling better?" she asked.  
  
Xander let out an ironic laugh. "They say be careful what you wish for, don't they?"  
  
Realisation dawned on Tara, but before she could say anything, Xander filled it in for her.  
  
"I remember it all."  
  
Having spent the last month, trying to dislodge the barriers in Xander's memory, almost daily, Tara felt no end of joy at the news she had just been told. She reached out and gave Xander a big hug, but broke away quickly when she realised that Xander wasn't returning it. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"I'm going to fill everyone in on the stuff involving Buffy and what's coming up, at the Magic shop later today," he told her avoiding his question.  
  
"But?" she asked, before noticing his journal that was laid on the seat next to him. She wondered if there was a lot more to tell. "You can tell me," she told him softly but firmly.  
  
"I need to, want to...But, god, Tara, I don't know if I should."  
  
Tara could see that something was weighing heavily on Xander's mind and she surmised that whatever it was, was probably written in the pages of the journal she had given him. "Do you want to give that to me?" she said motioning to the journal.  
  
"There's a lot of stuff in there." Xander picked up the book and held it in his hands wondering if he could do what he was thinking of doing. "I need to talk to someone, Tara," he told her handing her the book. "But, don't feel as though you have to read it. I can't force that on you."  
  
Tara took the journal from him and looked Xander straight in the eye. "I'll read it. Thank-you for trusting me," she told him  
  
Xander simply nodded. "I'll see you later."  
  
"Yeah," Tara replied. She stood there watching as Xander walked away, wondering just what was contained in the pages she had in her hands, and what Xander was so upset about.  
  
**************  
  
Even though she knew Dawn hadn't arrived home much before 5.00am, Buffy took just a small amount of glee at banging loudly on her door. "Dawn! Time to wake up!" she yelled.  
  
True it was only 10.00am, but Dawn did have work in under two hours, and knowing her sister like she did, Buffy knew that once you added in breakfast and getting ready, they would probably be rushing over to the magic shop anyway.  
  
"Dawn!" she yelled again. Her previous attempts at waking her sister up had given Buffy no response.   
  
"Wha...I'm up," A muffled reply floated through the doorway.  
  
"Sure you are," Buffy chuckled, but then upon hearing the sound of Dawn's feet hitting the floor, she knew that Dawn was indeed awake. "I'm making breakfast," she called out again before moving off and walking down the stairs.  
  
Once she entered the kitchen she walked straight over the fridge and started pulling out the ingredients that she required for the morning. She was just about to place the milk on the counter when a soft knock at the back door averted her attention. Looking up, she was overjoyed to see Xander standing there.   
  
"Hey!" she called out to him, motioning at the same time for him to come in.   
  
Opening the door, Xander moved slowly over to where Buffy was bent of the kitchen bench. "I'm sorry for last night," he told her sincerely.  
  
"Are you okay now?" she asked.  
  
Xander shrugged. "I'm not going to treat my friends like I did last night, so that's an upside," he said trying to lift his mood and the atmosphere that had been surrounding him a little higher.  
  
**********  
  
Upstairs, Dawn wiped some of the sleep away from her eyes, and took a good look at the reflection in the mirror, noticing with a little grimace, that the night's excesses had taken a small toll on her. One look into the eyes could sum up night she had enjoyed.   
  
After washing her face down, she toweled it off, before wrapping her robe around her and walking out into the hallway. As she made her way down the steps, the aroma of Buffy's cooking floated up, filling the need inside of her for sustenance. She had reached the bottom step when another voice halted her progress.   
  
Now wasn't the time that Dawn wanted to run into Xander.   
  
Leaning back against the wall, Dawn shut her eyes wondering if she should just go back upstairs, but found herself instead riveted to the floor.  
  
"You don't look that well," Buffy told Xander as she looked up. Before he could answer, or tell her what happened the night before she asked him, "Do you remember what I said to you before you left to got to LA?"  
  
Xander nodded, remembering how close the three of them were then. "A different time and place," he told her sadly.  
  
"It's not you know. You could move back in?" she suggested.  
  
By the look on Xander's face, Buffy was sure that he was about to agree, but a second later, his expression changed, and Buffy really didn't need his words to tell her his answer.  
  
On the staircase, Dawn held her breath, not knowing if she wanted Xander to accept or not.  
  
"I can't," he simply said.  
  
"Yes, you can," she told him, now stopping her food preparation, and focusing all of her attention on her friend. "I worry, and I think it would be good for you."  
  
"But, Dawn..." Xander started.  
  
"Dawn'll get used to it," Buffy interrupted him.  
  
"It's not my house Buffy. It's yours and Dawn's. I can't move in on her like that. She can't stand being around me as it is," Xander replied, the idea hitting him in the heart. For a year it was his home, his and Dawn's and now the idea of turning down a chance to move in was causing great pain.  
  
For the first time since Xander had moved back, Dawn truly wondered about what hurt she had given him. For so long she'd only concerned herself with her own pain, but they feelings in his voice when he refused were hitting her hard.   
  
"Why?" Buffy asked, seeing that Xander was getting upset over the suggestion. "Why can't you?"  
  
When Xander didn't reply, Buffy added, "Dawn will come around."  
  
Xander however shook his head, almost squeezing out his answer. "I can't do it, Buffy. I can't have her hating me."  
  
A single tear slipped from the left eye, as Dawn stood there, her head leaning back against the wall, hearing Xander's words repeat themselves inside her.  
  
End Part Fourteen 


	15. Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen  
  
"She doesn't hate you," Buffy gently told Xander. If Buffy could've wished for one thing at that moment, it would've been the appearance of Dawn in the kitchen.   
  
"Maybe," Xander answered. "But since she doesn't want to talk to me either, I don't think moving in across the hall will improve things at all."  
  
Xander's words cut through Dawn's heart. She couldn't mistake the feelings that were behind everything Xander had said. It added fuel to the fire, which was the internal debate that was presently raging inside of her. The end result of which, was an opting for safety. She did want to talk to Xander. But venturing out now was just going to head her into a world of hurt. Instead she silently turned around and walked up the stairs, hoping that she would be able to do so quietly enough, as the squeaks and groans that came with the stair case, always seemed to get louder the softer you were trying to be.   
  
When she reached the landing she knew, with relief that she could get to the security of her room, with out being noticed. She firmly but steadily opened her door and walked through, cursing herself for not having the guts to face him.  
  
***********  
  
There was something about Xander's body language that worried Buffy. It was almost as if he was holding onto something. Trying to not let go, or at least let himself go. It was all being measured, keeping him calm. Buffy didn't like it. Not one bit.   
  
However she knew the most asked question of Xander in the last month had been, 'are you okay?' and had no desire to repeat those words. Even if it was the exact thing she wanted to ask. She wouldn't do it.   
  
"What's wrong?" she asked, congratulating herself on her use of the English language.   
  
Xander paused, taking a breath before answering. Buffy could've sworn he was steeling himself for something.   
  
"I remember," he simply told her.  
  
Buffy didn't understand straight away. The deadpanned way, in which he had spoken the words, blinding Buffy to the obvious meaning. A few seconds later it hit her.   
  
"You remember everything?" she asked, her voice showing the enormity of what Xander might know.  
  
Xander gave her a wry grin, though Buffy could see it wasn't done with the same cheekiness she was use to. "Yeah, Buff. I know it all."  
  
"Wow!" Buffy said, not with any great enthusiasm, but in wonder. She knew what the words Xander spoke meant. He knew what happened to her. Not just a feeling, or a flash, but everything.  
  
"Yeah, that's one way of describing it," Xander commented a little bitterly, to himself more than anyone, but the tone wasn't lost on Buffy.  
  
"What is it?" she asked.  
  
"It's nothing, Buff," Xander replied. "I thought we'd all get together at the magic shop, so I can let everyone know at once."  
  
"There's something you're not telling me," Buffy says softly, worrying that it has to do with her fate.  
  
"It's all just a little too much to take it at the moment. I just need to get my head around things first," Xander replied, now more than ever wanting to get out of there. The feelings of claustrophobia that were sitting on the edges, when he entered Buffy's house that in one reality was his own home, had now started to close in. "What time are you going to the shop?" he asked, wanting to get the information he needed before he felt himself breakdown.  
  
"In an hour or so. Dawn starts work at midday," Buffy answered. Xander had started to seem uncomfortable and even though it did mean hounding him, she need to ask.   
  
Xander however didn't give her a chance and before Buffy could open her mouth, he's made his way to the door, and opened it.  
  
"I'll see you later than," he said, before turning and walking out, leaving Buffy both worried and annoyed at his behavior.   
  
Xander slowly walked around the side of the Summers's house. He was about to continue to the road, when he felt himself stop, his mind not willing to let him move on. He turned and looked at the front of the house, then took a few steps towards the centre, and laid his front hand on one of the support beams, silently remembering a time when he lived in happiness there. He couldn't believe how hard it had been to simply be inside the house. But within a few minutes of discussing the future, he could feel his breath becoming shorter and the growing unease seemed to flood his blood stream, willing him to get out of there as soon as he could. Leaving Buffy like that hadn't been on his agenda, he was sure that it was rather rude. But he needed to breath again. And for that he needed to be out.  
  
Leaning against one of the support columns, he silently remembered happier times, before steeling himself for the afternoon ahead. Knowing that it was going to take a lot sturdier stuff to get through the rest of the day, he took another deep breath and walked off, taking only a slight pause to glance quickly at the window in Dawn's room. Even now, with the need to leave, he could feel the pull on his heart to go bursting through the door and not stop till he had made Dawn speak to him. But as strong as that pull was, an opposing force told him the Dawn he fell in love with no longer existed. The Dawn he loved, wouldn't ignore him like Dawn had, and the Dawn he loved...  
  
Cursing to himself, he mentally kicked himself for dwelling on it further. That, he knew, was for when he tried to sleep. He had no way of stopping it then.  
  
*************  
  
Peering out of her bedroom window, Dawn could've sworn she saw Xander glance up at her room. She could just about make the redness around his eyes, as if something had upset him greatly downstairs. For not the first time in the last ten minutes she kicked herself for having left, instead of joining him and Buffy downstairs.   
  
But for as much as she longed to bridge the gap that existed between them, something that she knew had been her fault, even if she felt she it was justified, she couldn't make that first move. Stacey would've no doubt called it cowardice, and in the loneliness of her own bedroom, Dawn would have to agree. None the less the fact remained Xander had told Buffy something, and it had upset him. That reason alone was enough for Dawn to finally make her way out of her bedroom, and venture downstairs for breakfast.  
  
One look on her sister's face was enough to let Dawn know, she hadn't, at least in Buffy's eyes, done the right thing by her little retreating act.  
  
"Xander was just here," Buffy stated to Dawn, watching for her sister's reaction as Dawn took a seat.  
  
"Oh," Dawn replied, seemingly as if it were nothing.  
  
"Yeah, and if you hadn't gone back up to your room, you would know what he said."  
  
Dawn looked up at her sister and knew she was angry with her. She also knew that she had been caught eavesdropping, something that she had hoped she had avoided even with her sisters extra powerful hearing. "I couldn't face him like that," Dawn simply replied.  
  
Buffy shook her head in mild disgust. "I don't know what your issues with Xander are, cause they can't be the ones you've told me. That would be just pathetic. What ever they are - deal with them," Buffy lectured Dawn, before turning away to get some milk out of the fridge.  
  
"Sorry," Dawn softly responded.  
  
Buffy wasn't going to let her sister's mild apology calm her mood. Dawn's attitude, when combined with the uncertainty of what Xander was going to tell them later at the Magic shop, hadn't made Buffy's inner turmoil an easy beast to tame. But when Buffy turned around and saw the sadness in her sister's eyes she calmed slightly.  
  
"I'm not the one you should be apologising to," she told her gently.  
  
**************  
  
As Xander entered the clearing that through no real fault of its own, had become so pivotal in his life, he almost felt like saying hello to it. It was ironic to him that out of all of Sunnydale, it was here in a non-descript part of the surrounding wood, where he would feel most comfortable.   
  
There were no surprises for him here. He had faced the worst life could heap on him at this place. And though he couldn't say he beat it, he wasn't dead yet, that was for damn sure.   
  
Staring over to one side, he could still see, in his minds eye, where Dawn stood, helpless as Wesley explained Angel's treachery to her. That beautiful face, staring at him, with nothing but undying love in her eyes. It was the last memory he had of her, before the time winds engulfed him, sending him back and sentencing that timeline to an eternal wasteland.   
  
He tried to hold onto that image. As upsetting as it was, it was real to him. The love was real. But even in the clearing the image of Dawn kept on changing. Interchanging with it, in his mind was the image of Dawn kissing Adam. As much as he only tried to focus on the one his heart beat for, the other kept finding it's way into his head.  
  
He knew he had to let it go. The Dawn he loved didn't exist, and the one in this reality wouldn't even talk to him. He had to let it go. Either that or he had to go.   
  
It was either that or his sanity.  
  
**************  
  
The soft tingle of the doorbell turned all the heads in the Magic Shop towards the doorway, startling the customer who had entered. Giles quickly saw what was happening, and more importantly saw a potential sale walking out the door, and almost ran over to intercept the customer before she had made a hasty retreat.  
  
The rest of the group, Willow, Tara, Buffy and Dawn all turned their heads away, and went back to doing what they were up to before the bell ringing had interrupted them. The tasks they were all involved with, were of course looking busy and waiting for Xander to turn up. The latter of which had become an exercise in patience that they all were slowly losing. They realised soon enough that Xander hadn't actually told any of them an exact time. He just said in the afternoon, or enquired as to what time they would be there, in Buffy's case.   
  
What made it all the more frustrating was until Xander actually told them what was going on, they had nothing to research. Sunnydale being Hellmouth free, may be great on the less death front, but as far as researching mode went, it pretty much stunk up the place. So instead they each pulled out a random book and started looking, hoping that at least it might pass the time. The only break they had was when the doorbell rang, and that wasn't exactly entertaining, and definitely didn't make the time pass any quicker.   
  
Just as Giles had re-joined the group, having no luck at making a sale, the doorbell tingled again, and this time when they all turned as one to look, they did see the person they were waiting for.  
  
As Xander entered he felt the glare of five people immediately hit him, making his nerves rise just a little bit more. He tried to avoid eye contact with them, hating being the center of attention. He felt a little too much like a freak on display. And seeing anything like pity in the eyes of his friends was something that he wished to avoid.   
  
He walked steadily over to Giles, but as he almost got there, he felt someone touch his arm, and he turned his head slightly to see that it was Tara. He stopped, noticing that she was asking him, not with any words, but in one of her looks that seemed to convey so much, if he was okay. He gave her a slight nod, hoping she understood what he meant by it, and didn't catch the fact that he really wasn't all right. He figured that he would be having a long talk with Tara later, and whatever ruse he pulled now, wouldn't last long into that conversation.  
  
Realising that now wasn't the time to debate that in his head, he continued to Giles and told him when he got there, "I think we should move into the back." Before moving on and walking through to the training room that he had helped set up all those years ago, ignoring everyone else in the room, including Dawn who had been subtlety trying to get his attention.  
  
As the others followed Giles through, Tara couldn't help but glance over at Dawn. Maybe it was because of her knowledge of the future, but Tara had been looking at Dawn for most of the afternoon. Not all the time, but casting glances every now and again, trying to read her mood. She could tell that she was just as interested in what Xander had to say as the others, but it was when Xander arrived and walked past her that Tara saw it in her eyes. Dawn was really concerned. For all of her seemingly disinterest in Xander since he returned, Tara could tell she had changed around. When he walked past her, Dawn's face showed how much that had hit her, and Tara had no doubt she was now fuming at being left out by herself.  
  
As she walked past, she stopped in front of the counter. "We won't be long," she tried to reassure her.   
  
"Whatever, I'm left out as usual," Dawn bitterly spoke back.  
  
"You should be able to talk to him after," Tara suggested, before immediately regretting it.  
  
"Who?" Dawn asked. "Xander! Why would I want to," she added, before turning away in the pretense of fixing something behind the counter.  
  
If Tara hadn't spent the morning reading Xander's journal, she may have found Dawn's actions cute. But knowing at some stage, Xander will want to talk to Dawn, she hoped that the high school senior will have gotten over whatever was causing the rift between her and Xander by then.  
  
"Okay, well we'll be in the back," Tara told her a little sadly, before turning away and walking into the back room.  
  
Dawn spun around and watched Tara leave, feeling guilty at how she acted, but still annoyed at being treated like a child. In the back of her head, she could hear Stacey bitingly tell her that she was acting like one as well.  
  
*************  
  
When Tara entered the training area, she saw that everyone was sitting on some of the seats that were scattered around the room. She took one of them and sat down, looking expectantly at Xander.  
  
He watched her take a seat, and realised that any delaying was now history. It was now or never. Slowly Xander stood up, remembering what he had decided to do. Get straight to the point, and tell them all concisely and steadily. That had been the words he had told himself as he walked to the magic shop. The last thing he needed was any deviations in his story. He didn't think he'd get through that.   
  
"In approximately two weeks, the Golden Gate Bridge will collapse after a highly localised earthquake, which is centered at its southern most pylon. It isn't of course an earthquake, but the opening of a new Hellmouth. This one open and ready to spew forth its occupants, over the coming months."  
  
Even Xander had to admit to himself that it sounded professional and too the point  
  
"Unfortunately, in the original history, by the time you all realised what was happening, it was too late. The demons and monsters that had been unleashed were massive. In the end you did stop them, but Buffy passed away in the battle." He couldn't help looking at Buffy as he said that, trying to remember that she was standing in front of him, and not dead.  
  
"From what I was told, it was over six months later when the final battle occurred and even though it was successful, you were all playing catch up from day one."  
  
"What were you doing when this was going on?" Giles asked, noting that Xander hadn't mentioned that he was there.   
  
"I wasn't there, Giles. I didn't arrive in Sunnydale till almost five years after Buffy's death." No one missed the slight break in Xander's professional delivery as he told Giles that. It was obviously not something that he had planned on talking about.   
  
It was just a little slip, but it did enough to start Xander's internal need to get out of there feeling. His fake lecturing mode that he'd employed since the start of the conversation was starting to break down, being replaced by a feeling that was rather less confident.  
  
***************  
  
Watching the pen bounce off the counter, as she idling tapped it was about the most interesting thing Dawn had done since she had been left alone. No customers had entered the shop and the rhythm she made was the only thing keeping her company apart from her thoughts. And it didn't even do that successfully. She kept looking at the doorway, waiting for Xander to re-emerge from the back room. As much as she wanted to talk to him, she really didn't feel like bursting in and trying to say 'Hi' in front of everyone. Especially as those words should've been said to him a few weeks previously.   
  
The tingle of the doorbell briefly took her attention away, and when Dawn looked up, she saw with gratitude that Stacey had popped in to say hi. Or give Dawn a sermon. These days, Dawn reflected, Stacey seemed to be doing a lot of both. What pissed Dawn off more was that she seemed to be right most of the time.  
  
"So what home-spun boredom brings you down to my work?" she asked her as the red -head approached the counter.  
  
"Oh you know, the usual," Stacey answered, leaning up against the counter. She took a look around the room and saw that there was both an absences of customers and Mr. Giles. That could mean only one thing, and with that knowledge in hand, Stacey plonked herself up on the counter, carefully making sure to only sit where the wooden surface was, not the glass area.  
  
"Don't blame me, when Giles tells you off. Again!" Dawn warned her light-heartily.  
  
"Oh, he won't mind," Stacey replied, casting a glance towards the door, just in case she needed to quickly hop down.   
  
"Uh-huh," Dawn replied, not believing a word of it. "So, really, you just came to keep me company?"  
  
"Well..." Stacey replied, biting her bottom lip. "Just think of me as your guidance friend."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what Stacey wanted to give her guidance about. "You know most guidance counselors only do that, cause they have no life of their own. What does that say about you?" Dawn teased.  
  
"Only that I'm the exception to the rule. As per usual."  
  
Even Dawn had to admire the confidence in the way Stacey spoke her words. "Fine, but keep your voice down, he's in there," Dawn said pointing to the back area.  
  
"Ooh!" Stacey said giddily. "Was there any sparks this morning?"  
  
"No sparks, he ignored me and walked in there."  
  
Stacey frowned, thinking that it was an unusual situation. But then again, it was all screwed up as far as Stacey was concerned. She could never understand how Xander could've left in the first place, if Dawn had been correct in describing the relationship they had. Not that Stacey really understood that either, but the one thing she did get from Dawn was the depth of their bond to one another. And then when he had re-appeared, she couldn't believe that now, a month later, and they were yet to say more than a few words to each other.   
  
"Maybe you should walk up to him and plant one on his lips," Stacey said poking her tongue out, then moving off the counter to avoid a quick flying hand from the brunette to her left.  
  
"I've got a boyfriend, remember?" Dawn said indignantly.  
  
"Yeah, sorry. Forgot about that," Stacey retorted, not sounding sorry at all.   
  
"Anyway, I was going to speak to Xander myself after he came back out," Dawn told her, hoping that it might stop Stacey's help line service for the moment.   
  
"Well, I'll just have to stick around to make sure you do," Stacey told her firmly, lightly patting Dawn on the back in support.  
  
"Great," Dawn replied, feeling the need to wipe her chin in case any of the sarcasm was till dripping.  
  
***************  
  
Xander felt guilty about it, but by now he had gotten a little sick of the constant questioning. And what made him more uncomfortable were the constant queries about other things. Things that he didn't want to go into.  
  
"So there's nothing else you can tell us?" Giles asked.  
  
Xander shook his head. "I'm sorry Giles, but I never thought I would be back here, so I never got a blow by blow." He turned and looked at Buffy, noticing for the first time that she had been really quiet. "It hurt to much." He said softly.  
  
"Well, it's a lot to go on with, that's for sure," Giles told them all. He was just about to say something else when Buffy interrupted him.  
  
"Why another Hellmouth?"   
  
"Sorry?" Giles asked.  
  
"Why another Hellmouth. I mean was closing this one for nothing?" Buffy asked, her voice showing a great deal of frustration.  
  
"I don't know Buffy," Giles told her sincerely.  
  
"From what I was told, when you sealed the one in Sunnydale, it only stopped this end of it. The gateway was still open and they, or it, just found somewhere else to burst through." Xander told them all.   
  
It was then that Xander realised some of the things that must've been going through Buffy's mind. He cursed himself for not thinking even a little about how this would all be affecting her. Sure he might be having a hard time adjusting to everything, but he wasn't the one who'd just been told that they are meant to die in a few months. He remembered her reaction to a similar situation during their sophomore year at High School, and even though this was quite a bit different, and Buffy was a lot older, he doubted the internal battle raging inside his friends head was any calmer now then it was then.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked her softly, not even realising that for a moment, he had turned those words on her.   
  
"Umm, yeah," Buffy replied. "I'm just taking it all in."  
  
Xander nodded. "I get that."  
  
The small grin that escaped from Buffy's lips was all Xander needed to see. "I guess you do," she replied.  
  
Xander lightly grasped her arm, letting her know that he was thinking about her, before turning to the rest of them. "We'll need all of the gang from LA. as well."  
  
"Yes, " Giles agreed, "I'll give them a call."  
  
"Well, I was thinking I'd drive there and tell them myself," Xander replied, just wanting to get out of there, and thinking the three hour drive might clear his head.  
  
"No!"  
  
Xander turned his head in surprise at Tara's outburst, but upon seeing her eyes, he knew exactly what she was thinking. He shook his head. "I'm just going to get help, that's all."  
  
"Then let Giles call them," Tara replied.  
  
"I think it would be best to tell them in person," Xander responded, not really wanting to blurt out to everyone that he was feeling extremely hemmed in and needed a release.  
  
"Okay then, I'm coming to," Tara said defiantly.  
  
Xander was about to argue, but realised it wouldn't do any good. Tara's mind was made up. "Fine, I'll be in the car," he told her. Then turning to the rest of them. "We'll be back tonight, I'm not stopping for any great time." He gave them all a wave and walked out the back, glad that the entrance meant he didn't have to walk past Dawn inside. With everything else, seeing her and having to stop himself from placing his lips on hers, would be the last thing he needed.  
  
After he'd left, Willow came up to Tara. "What's going on?" she asked.  
  
"I can't talk about it," Tara said apologetically, hating keeping anything from her girlfriend.  
  
"Why do I feel you're going to keep him safe?" Willow asked.  
  
Tara smiled and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's body, lightly kissing her on the lips. "That's because you know me so well."  
  
Willow smiled back, but still looked worried. "You keep safe yourself," she told her, as Tara let go.  
  
"I will," Tara replied, before turning and walking out the door, where Xander had exited only minutes earlier.  
  
Willow turned around to see both Buffy and Giles were watching her. The expressions they wore on their faces were almost identical.  
  
"Was I the only one, who knew there was something being said but not, and yet they both understood?" Buffy asked.  
  
Willow shrugged. "Tara's been the one he's been working with to remember. I suppose she would know more than us what he went through."  
  
Giles took his glassed off and wiped them, not wanting to think any ill of Xander, but not being able to escape the feeling that Xander had only told them what Xander wanting them to hear. "Well have to trust that Xander has told us all we need to know."  
  
"Of course he would," Buffy replied, but even she could hear the doubt in her voice. She had to admit to herself that the last month couldn't make up for both Xander's absence and the change in his behavior since the night in the woods.   
  
"He's our friend," she told them Giles and Willow, and if she was being a honest, herself as well.   
  
***************  
  
"Time's tickin away, sister," Stacey taunted lightly as she noticed Dawn had started staring at the doorway of the training room.  
  
"Ugh!" Dawn muttered turning to look at her best friend. "Why do I put up with you?"  
  
"Cause I still love ya, even when you're being an idiot," Stacey retorted.   
  
Dawn laughs. "I think that proves you've got the problem then."  
  
"You're probably right," Stacey replied, laughing as well.   
  
The laughter stopped as the back room door opened, and both Dawn and Stacey's heads turned as one, waiting for Xander to walk out. They watched as Giles came first followed by Buffy and then Willow. When it became obvious that no one else was going to follow them, Stacey turned to Dawn and shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"Umm, is Xander still in there?" Dawn asked a little apprehensively, as it was common knowledge among them all that she hadn't really spoken to Xander since he returned.  
  
"No, he's gone to LA." Buffy replied, immediately wishing that she had been a little more delicate.  
  
"What!" Dawn almost yelled.  
  
Buffy walked over and tried to calm her down. "It's only a round trip, he'll be back tonight."  
  
Dawn shook her head and walked away, heading straight for the back room, as if she had to see that he was gone herself. A little confused that Dawn had suddenly wanted to speak to Xander, Buffy turned to look at Stacey, wondering if she had any answers.  
  
"She had decided to break the ice, when he came out. I think she'd been building up her courage," Stacey told her, seeing the look on Buffy's face.  
  
"Oh!" Buffy replied, feeling that a little laugh , even done in irony, wouldn't be appreciated by her younger sibling.   
  
*****************  
  
The trip along the highway had been made in almost total silence. It was obvious that Xander wasn't in any mood to start the conversation, and Tara didn't have to be an empath to know that Xander wanted some quiet time, so she didn't force the issue. Instead she spent the time alternating her attention between the various landscapes that they past, and Xander himself.   
  
She didn't know exactly what to make of her concern for Xander. She'd never been all that close with any males in her life. She thought that maybe this is how you feel about a brother, or cousin, but she had no real template to follow. The males in her family tended to treat the opposite sex as a commodity even before they mythical twentieth birthday, and she'd never been attracted to any boys, even as a youngster. Of course as she got into her later teen years the reason for that had become obvious. But even at U.C. Sunnydale, she had never made any male friends. Xander and Giles tended to be pretty much it, and event though she knew them both well, she hadn't been really close to either.   
  
That was until Xander had returned and by a twist of fate, she had been anointed his helper in retrieving his memories. That sort of process, by necessity needed trust, and in all the sessions they had undertaken, Xander had shown the utmost trust in her, never once questioning what they were doing, even if she could tell he was apprehensive at first.   
  
But it was when Xander had handed over his journal to her, and she had started to read it, she realised just how much Xander had trusted her. His inner most thoughts, feelings and experiences were laid bare for her to read, and while she now understood why Xander had been a little apprehensive about giving them to her, she couldn't feel anything other than honoured that he trusted her like that.  
  
No, she didn't know quite what to make of it all, but she knew one thing above all others. She was there to make sure he didn't go anything silly. And since she knew where he was heading, there was no way she wasn't joining him.  
  
"Thanks for coming."  
  
Xander's voice broke through the silence that had accompanied them for the last hour.   
  
"That's okay. How are you doing?" Tara asked, glad that he had finally spoken.  
  
"I don't know. I just...I just had to get out of Sunnydale, clear my head for a while. Going to LA seemed an easy out."  
  
"I understand," Tara replied.  
  
"You know at times, none of this seems real. And then I looked into Buffy's eyes as I we were calmly discussing her death and it was all too real, and it's on me. I don't want this," he told her, some of the words, showing his anger.  
  
"I know you don't," Tara responded softly.  
  
The way in which Tara had said those words, conveyed to Xander what he had suspected. "You read it all?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Yes," Tara replied, knowing what exactly Xander was asking. "Do you know what you're going to do?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "You know last night, I went to her Prom," Xander started to say in way of an answer. "I actually snuck in and saw Dawn and her boyfriend dancing and kissing."  
  
Tara didn't say anything. She didn't want to interrupt him in case he wanted to say more.   
  
"I don't want to be that person," Xander added, thumping his fist down on the dashboard in anger.   
  
"You'd just remembered how you felt about each other. I think it was understandable," Tara said trying to re-assure him, but could see it hadn't gotten through to him. "It'll work out. We've just got a lot to work through," Tara added, trying to sound more confident.  
  
"I don't want it to work out, I just want to go back," Xander said with frustration, finally airing what had been on his mind for the last day.   
  
"To the future?" Tara asked, worried at where the conversation was heading.  
  
Xander nodded. "But I can't can I?"   
  
Tara simply looked on, feeling helpless as her friend let out his deeply held wish.  
  
"She doesn't exist anymore. There's nothing to go back to."  
  
End Part Fifteen 


	16. Sixteen

Part Sixteen  
  
It had been years since Tara had visited Los Angeles, and although normally she would jump at the chance to take in the sights as they passed them, this wasn't the time to do so. With the rapidly approaching nightfall, and more and more traffic, came the knowledge that they were almost there. Any famous landmarks that they passed on the way didn't have enough power to register on Tara's troubled mind. There just wasn't any room.  
  
Her thoughts were mostly consumed by the events that had unfolded over the last day or so. For most of the last half-hour, since Xander had decided silence was his choice of company, she'd been rolling around what to do about her friend. Coming to the City of Angels never struck her as a particularly great idea, but since Xander was determined to go, she was just as determined to go along for the ride. Letting him walk into the Lion's Den, by himself, wasn't her first choice of action. Though to be fair, The Hyperion Hotel wasn't exactly the lion's den. She was pretty much sure Xander was bringing that mood himself.   
  
While Xander had assured her that he'd no intention of starting anything, the recent days had shown that his mind slipped from being totally logical to unbalanced at various times. She could only guess as to what the effect of having your past and future trying to co-exist inside your head would be like, but she did know enough about what had happened to him, to understand how much it hurt.   
  
It was for those reasons, as well as her own worries that she wasn't exactly pleased to see the front of the hotel, when Xander turned into the driveway.   
  
As Xander pulled up in the parking bay, she noticed that his hands hadn't left the steering wheel, and instead were tightly clinching to it. It was enough for her to realise that Xander, himself, was having second thoughts about being here. She could see the skin being pulled tight against the knuckles, turning it white in places, his eyes staring blankly ahead, and his body sitting rigid in the driver's seat.  
  
"We can turn around and head back," she told him.  
  
At her words, Xander's body seemed to relax and his slowly let go, and fell into his lap. "Be a bit of a waste if I didn't even go in," he told her.  
  
"You got the fresh air you wanted, though," she told him.  
  
Xander looked around and acted as if he was taking a deep breath, before turning and grinning slightly at his passenger. "I think it's actually a physical impossibility to get fresh air here, but your optimism is appreciated."  
  
Even the smallest of smiles, was welcomed by Tara, as she let out a single chuckle. "I do what I can," she added, before noting that Xander's good mood had lessened as soon as he'd made his joke. "But we can still go back," she told him firmly.  
  
Xander shook his head. "No. I'm going to have to face him sometime, and I think that here and now would be better than when we get to San Francisco."  
  
Tara nodded. "Yeah, it might be."  
  
"So," Xander stated, unlatching the seat belt and reaching for the door handle. "Now it's time for you to see what I called home for a lot of time in LA."  
  
Tara shook her head slightly, noting that Xander still hadn't lost his capacity to use self-depreciating humour, especially when he was obviously nervous. She hadn't considered what Xander had said, till he brought it up. But it did make sense. An uncomfortable reunion in front of everyone in San Francisco wasn't going to be helpful to anyone. Things like that tended to spiral out of control.   
  
And while she wanted Xander to tell some of the others about what he went through in the future, so they might be able to help him re-connect with this time and his friends, she didn't want any of his secrets coming out at the most inappropriate moments. The pressure cooker atmosphere that would be waiting for them in San Francisco was one place that needed no further stress.   
  
She got up out of the car and shut the door, pleased that Xander had waited for her. Giving him an encouraging smile, she walked over to him, and then together they headed for the front doors.   
  
The first thing that she noticed, as she walked into the Hotel lobby, was the size of the hotel. She felt a small tinge of jealousy pass through her as she looked over the set up, their sometime, partners had. The feeling vanished quickly as she became aware Xander had stopped. A quick look in the direction that he was looking at and the reason became apparent. Walking across the foyer to the office area, was the one person Tara knew Xander was silently wishing he didn't want to run into. She was glad that Angel hadn't noticed their presence yet, as he seemed to be more concerned about getting the books he was carrying over to Fred, her was seated behind the front desk.   
  
Knowing almost instinctively that he'd need it, she reached back and grasped Xander's hand, giving it a little tug, letting him know that she was with him. It seemed to work, as Xander nodded, and then letting go, he took a few steps forward, the noise alerting the others to his presence.  
  
Given the tension that the duo from Sunnydale were feeling, it was almost predictable that the first person to notice the Hyperion had a couple of guest, was the one person they wished hadn't.   
  
"Hello, can we..." Angel paused obviously noticing that one of the people who were now standing just inside the door, was someone he hadn't planned on seeing for a while.  
  
"Xander," he quietly spoke, the guilt in his voice obvious to Tara, who was fighting to keep the sins she knew his future self committed behind her, as she looked at him. It wasn't an easy task, as Xander's words had been written with such passion, with such raw emotion, that she felt deeply everything Xander wrote, when he talked about what Angel had done to him and Dawn in 2011. The one thing that gave her balance however was the knowledge that whatever she was feeling would be nothing compared to Xander.   
  
She didn't have to wait long to guess as his reaction, as Xander's reply chilled the room down more considerably than the internal air-conditioners had.   
  
"Angel," he simply said.  
  
She could see that the others in the room, had become aware of Xander's presence now, and were about to jump up and greet him, when to her horror, she saw that Angel was taking a few steps towards them on the internal stairs. Frightened at what Xander might do, and to be truthful, what Angel might do in retaliation, she took a step in front of Xander and in no uncertain terms gave Angel a look, which screamed, 'Back Off!'  
  
Angel's reaction was probably priceless, but Tara didn't have a chance to enjoy it, as Cordelia and Wesley followed by Fred and Gunn all made their way past Angel to welcome their friend.  
  
She stepped out of the way, and let Cordelia come up and envelope Xander in a hug, smiling at how much Xander seemed to relax when doing so. It was easy to understand how the Powers that be had convinced Xander to stay in LA. By the genuine affection that his friends met him, she realised that the PTB wouldn't have had to perform too much of a whammy. One thing was apparent to Tara, and that was Xander felt like home here.   
  
'Well,' she thought, 'if only for the absence of a souled vampire.'  
  
"What are you doing here?" Cordelia asked as she let go of Xander. Then noting the look of seriousness that flooded across his face added, "What's wrong?"  
  
"I remember," he told her, even as he was saying it, remembering again the times he'd with Cordelia and Wesley in the future. Times which had to be kept secret. Their revelation would lead Xander down a path of admission that he'd no intention of visiting.  
  
"Your memories?" Wesley asked.  
  
"Yeah, all of them," Xander replied, trying not to look at Angel as he said so. He could feel the stare of those eyes on him, but was determined not to let it affect him.  
  
****************  
  
"Dawn's pretending not to be looking at the doorway, or the phone, and Stacey is doing a pretty good job of ignoring Dawn's pretending," Buffy commented, having walked back inside the back area, after popping her head out to check on her younger sister and her friend.   
  
"Dawn and Xander not talked yet?" Giles asked.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I think Dawn was going to talk to him today, but he took off to LA," she said as she sat down and continued reading from where she'd left off.  
  
Giles simply nodded, not commenting anymore. He went back to looking over one of his books, in the vain hope that it might reveal something to him.  
  
Seeing that Giles had returned to his research, Buffy dutifully followed suit, and picked up one of the books that had contained much of the information that had helped them close the Hellmouth in Sunnydale. "Why don't we just do the same thing we did here?" Buffy asked.  
  
"It's not that easy," Giles told her, looking up at her.   
  
Slamming the book shut, Buffy stood up, frustrated at how little progress they were making. Turning her back on Giles. "No it wouldn't be, would it?"  
  
Giles sighed, feeling the emotion in Buffy's voice. "Unfortunately, the night we sealed the Hellmouth was unique. Certain celestial bodies were in the right position, we found the exact magic and in the end it worked." Letting out a sigh he added, "We might find something similar, but it won't be the same."  
  
"A lot of good it did us too."  
  
"Buffy, I..."   
  
"What?" Buffy replied. "Come on Giles, we screwed up. We thought we'd won, but what did we win. A few months grace, before a greater was unleashed on a different city. And for what? Just so I could have someone else telling me that I was going to die."  
  
Giles moved over to where Buffy was standing, wanting nothing more to give her the support she so obviously needed. He'd thought she'd handled Xander's news better than he thought she would, and now he could tell that the barrier she'd built up was starting to fall away. His attempt to wrap his arm around her was rebuffed, however, as Buffy moved a few steps away, not wanting to be placated.  
  
"And you know what the kicker is this time Giles. The powers that be, couldn't put it in a prophecy for you to find. No, they had to screw around with one of my friends lives and have him be their messenger."  
  
"I don't think that they caused Xander to disappear," Giles replied evenly.  
  
"You think he did it by himself? He sure as hell didn't loose his memory by himself."  
  
"No, he didn't, but until Xander tells us everything, we can't really make any judgement on what the Power's, or whomever, did. We should be more gratified that we have some idea of how to stop the upcoming events."  
  
Buffy slumped down in a chair, feeling both mentally and physically exhausted after letting her frustrations out. "We really don't know anything, do we?" she asked him.  
  
"Apart from the time of events, no, we don't," Giles admitted, wishing that Xander's words had given them more clues.   
  
*************  
  
Stacey alternated her view from Dawn's staring eyes to the focus of her gaze. The focus on this occasion, not surprisingly, the phone in the magic box. A simple enough device, and not all that visually appealing, but it had taken up most of Dawn's attention for the last few hours.   
  
"It won't ring any quicker the more you look at it," she told her friend.  
  
"Funny, I thought it might," Dawn replied, her tone showing Stacey just how funny she didn't think her friend was.  
  
Stacey shook her head. "You know if you actually work out in your own head what you want from him, you'd probably stress about it less."  
  
"I know what I want from him," Dawn replied.  
  
"Really?" Stacey asked, leaning forward, wondering what exactly Dawn had decided.  
  
Dawn bit her lip, and shifted her gaze downward, feeling slightly pathetic at her best friends interest. "I want him back."  
  
"Yeah, and what does that mean," Stacey ventured further, really wanting to hear Dawn admit to still having feelings for Xander.  
  
"I don't know," Dawn replied, annoyed at herself for not being able to work it out.  
  
As much as she tried not to, Stacey couldn't stop a stifled laugh. She was saved from one of Dawn's left hooks, when the doorbell rang, taking their attention away. The person entering the store appealed to the sense of irony in Stacey's head.   
  
"And here's some wood to throw on the fire," she told Dawn with a glint in her eye, Dawn didn't appreciate.  
  
Turning around, Dawn saw why Stacey had reacted the way she did, when Adam walked up to her and bent down, lightly kissing her on the lips.  
  
"Hey, you finished?" he asked, standing next to the counter.  
  
"Yeah, almost," Dawn replied, before turning to where the back room was and yelling. "Giles, is it alright if I go?"  
  
A few seconds later, Giles and Buffy came through the doorway. "You could save us our eardrums and walk over and ask nicely," he chastised.  
  
"Sorry," Dawn replied.   
  
"And yes, you may go," he added.  
  
Dawn jumped up and squealed a little, before rushing over to give Giles a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks," she told him, then spinning around to face her sister, she told her. "I'll see you at home."  
  
"Okay," Buffy replied, " but not for a few hours or so."  
  
Dawn nodded, and then was about to ask something, when Buffy interrupted her.  
  
"I'll call if I hear anything from Xander," Buffy told her.   
  
Dawn simply nodded before turning to face her boyfriend, ignoring the slightly pained look that was etched on his face. "Ready?" she said, grabbing his hand.  
  
"Yeah," Adam replied, his enthusiasm not on the level it was before Dawn had said the 'X' word.   
  
"See ya, Stace," Dawn said as she moved past her friend, ignoring the half shake of the head Stacey was giving her.  
  
***********  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Wesley asked Angel as he leaned down to where Angel was sitting down at the table. After Xander had finished his explanation, Angel had retreated to the office and out of the occasional gazes that both Xander and Tara were throwing him. He could understand why Xander wasn't exactly pleasant to him, but the fact that Tara, someone he'd never had anything other than friendly words with, was adding to the tension unnerved him. He wondered if all of his friends in Sunnydale were now thinking the same of him. Even though he didn't keep in constant contact with Buffy and the others, he still considered them an important part of his life, and the thought that none of them wanted to see him again, upset him greatly.   
  
"I'm not sure," Angel replied. "I don't think Xander wants me to come back with him."  
  
"No, I don't suppose he does."  
  
Angel's eyes conveyed his annoyance at Wesley's response without any need for words.  
  
"You can't really blame him, Angel," Wesley counseled.  
  
"I didn't like doing what I did," Angel argued.  
  
"No, but you still did it. Maybe Lorne will have some new information," Wesley suggested.  
  
Angel simply nodded his gaze and attention drawn over to where the other's were. He couldn't be sure, but he was almost certain that Tara kept glancing at him, almost as if she was making sure he stayed where he was.   
  
"Cordelia and I are going to accompany Xander and Tara back to Sunnydale tonight. Find out what you can and follow us in a few days," Wesley told him.  
  
Angel only nodded again, before glancing back to the doorway and peering out to where the others were gathered around the front desk, not that surprised when he saw Tara glance at him again.  
  
"Hey," Xander said softly, tugging Tara on her sleeve. "You okay?"  
  
Tara turned her head and saw that Cordelia, Gunn and Fred were all looking at her, and considering what and about whom she'd been thinking about, she wasn't about to tell them what she was doing.  
  
"I'm fine," she told Xander, hoping he wouldn't worry, but at the same time trying to let him know she'd talk to him about it later.  
  
Xander simply nodded accepting her explanation.   
  
"We should be getting some stuff packed," Wesley announced as he re-joined the group.   
  
"Where's Angel gone?" Cordelia asked seeing the back of the vampire, exiting out the front door.  
  
"Gone to check with a few contacts," Wesley told them. "He didn't think he'd be welcome at present."  
  
Xander could tell that the last part was directed straight at him, but felt no guilt from it. "He'd be right," he simply said, keeping his face straight.  
  
Wesley didn't make any verbal comment on Xander's reaction, but it did re-enforce the difficulties he felt they would face in coming days together. He hoped that no matter what they personal problems some of the group may have, they would do what they've done on numerous times in the past. Put it all aside when it needed to be.   
  
*************  
  
Adam shifted his position slightly as he felt Dawn lean in closer and cuddle up to his torso. He quickly put down the popcorn he was holding, not wanting to tip the bucket over themselves and the couch, and placed it next to their drinks that sat on the coffee table in front of them.  
  
"That better?" he asked when he felt Dawn had stopped shuffling for the time being.  
  
"Yeah," she replied, before reaching down and picking up her drink, glancing at the clock and phone as she did so.  
  
Her actions weren't missed by Adam, but he made not comment on them. Instead he turned his gaze to the television and tried to watch, while running things around in his head. He tried not to feel jealous. In fact when he looked at it logically, there didn't seem to be much to be jealous of. Dawn had hardly said a word to Xander Harris since he returned, but whenever they were in the same room, he could almost feel some sort of unspoken bond between them. It was as if the atmosphere was charged with a type of tension that wouldn't just go away. On the other hand he knew that for them to clear whatever was between them, they would have to start talking. And while he'd never tell Dawn whom she could talk to and when, he admitted to himself, that life was much better off when Xander Harris wasn't in Sunnydale.   
  
What made it worse for him, was Dawn's refusal to admit there was anything between them. Her dismissal of Xander as just a family friend never rang true. It only made him wonder more and more about what his girlfriend wasn't telling him.  
  
Adam sighed as he felt Dawn move again, only five minutes after she last did, and without surprise, he noticed that she once again looked at the clock and phone.  
  
"Why don't you just call her?" he told he exasperated.  
  
"What?" Dawn asked, not really pulling off the innocent act.  
  
Adam turned his body around and faced her. "Your sister, to see if Xander has come back yet."  
  
"Oh, I'm not worried about that. I'm just wondering if Buffy's coming home tonight," Dawn replied, before turning her gaze back to the movie.  
  
Dawn's nonchalant attitude only further fueled Adam's annoyance, and this time he couldn't keep quiet. "Why can't you admit that you're worried about him?"  
  
Dawn turned around quickly a little shocked at the tone of her boyfriend's question. "Who?"  
  
Adam rolled his eyes. "Xander, and don't tell me he's just a family friend."  
  
"But he is. I told you that before, I've known him all my life."  
  
Adam shook his head, not really believing her. "Then why are you so worried?" he asked.   
  
Dawn moved over and wrapped her arms around him, kissing his lips softly. "Cause I've known him, all my life. I do care for him."  
  
Seeing that Adam didn't respond to that, Dawn settled back down in the chair leaning into her boyfriend's chest, wishing that it were as simple as Xander being a family friend.  
  
************  
  
The night oil that had been burned was just about at its end when the tingle of the doorbell, alerted the Magic Shop's occupants to Xander and Tara's return. Giles and Buffy hadn't had much further luck in their searches, and had almost decided to call it a night when the newcomers arrived.  
  
As they group walked in, Buffy walked over to Xander, Tara and Cordelia, while Giles warmly shook Wesley's hand.  
  
"It's good to see you again," he told the younger Brit.  
  
"You too. Perhaps one day we can catch up without side issue of the world ending," Wesley joked, trying to keep the situation as light as possible. The car journey back had been mostly a quiet affair, the silence only broken by the occasional comment about the traffic.   
  
"Cordelia," Giles said offering his arms out, as Cordelia walked into them and warmly hugged.   
  
"It's good to see you," Cordelia responded, before letting go, and looking over to where Buffy moved to Xander's side. "Hi Buffy."  
  
"Hey Cordy," Buffy responded friendly, although Cordelia could tell that the events had taken their toll on the other woman.   
  
Seeing that Wesley and Giles had started running over their theories, Buffy turned her head to Xander. "Are you okay?"  
  
Xander nodded. The last thing he wanted to do was put anymore worry on Buffy. "It's been a long night though, I might head home."  
  
She nodded, understanding the need, thinking that she wouldn't be staying for long either. "I'll see you tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be here in the morning," Xander replied, before turning to Cordelia. He knew that he hadn't said much on the way home, and now with him leaving so quickly, he hoped she would understand. "I just worn out, but we should catch up, tomorrow."  
  
"Definitely," Cordelia replied. As much as Cordelia wanted to talk to Xander it didn't take that much intuition to see that he was exhausted.   
  
"You want me to come?" Tara asked.  
  
"No, I'll be fine," he replied, feeling a little guilty at leaving them all, but sleep was the one thing that was paramount on his mind at that point. "Besides, I think there would be another good friend of mine who'd love to see you home."  
  
"Your right," Tara replied, smiling at the thought of Willow being there when she got home.   
  
"You need a lift?"  
  
"My car's outside," Tara replied, looking at Buffy when she did, glad to see her nod in return.  
  
Xander nodded, and mouthed the words, 'bye' at them all, before waving at Giles and Wesley. Once they had acknowledged his leaving, he turned and walked outside.  
  
He'd only been gone for few seconds, before Giles and Wesley joined the others. "Tara, there seems to be something that Xander hasn't told us," he asked her.  
  
Buffy, who'd wondered the same thing, noticed that Tara's demeanor changed slightly. "I can't talk about it, Giles."  
  
"Tara, I understand you being loyal to him, he's a good friend, but if there's something he isn't telling us that could help Buffy..." Wesley started.  
  
"No!" Tara replied forcibly. "I know you all care about him, and you're all worried, but I won't break that trust."  
  
"There is something else, isn't there?" Cordelia asked, trying not to sound to overbearing.  
  
Tara took a deep breath before responding, settling her nerves. "He's told you everything that relates to the upcoming events, everything else is personal."  
  
Buffy had been around Tara enough to know when her internal equilibrium was in danger of tipping. "I think we should all call it a night," she suggested, knowing that lack of sleep and stress was a explosive combination that could very easily be set off if they continued on this conversation.  
  
"Yes, perhaps you're right," Giles agreed. "You all go home, we'll catch up in the morning. Wesley and I have a few things we want to go through."  
  
"If you want a place to stay, you can crash at my place," Buffy told Cordelia. "I just have to check on a few things first," she added, thinking at the same time that she might as well just tell Dawn the news when she got home.  
  
"Thanks," Cordy replied. As Tara got up to leave, Cordelia gently reached over to place her hand on Tara's shoulder. "I'm sorry if I sounded like I didn't care. It's just..." she paused gesturing with her hands.   
  
Tara smiled at the image of Cordelia muttering, lost for words. "I know," she told her. "But if you want to know something, ask him. He might not tell you, but that's his choice to make."  
  
************  
  
Xander didn't know why he'd driven where he did. When he got into the car, he'd every intention of driving home, going up to his apartment, slumping down in his bed, and trying to recharge himself for another day of questions, stares, and no doubt more internal wonderings about Dawn. He had it all planned.  
  
So it was a bit of a surprise when he found himself turning into the street Buffy and Dawn lived on. He realised what he was doing just in time, as a few seconds more, he was sure he'd have pulled into the driveway. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he pulled the car over, his eyes flashing past the clock on the dashboard. Not knowing why, but with a sudden urge, Xander only wanted to do one thing. He needed to speak to her.   
  
Getting out of the car, he stated to walk the twenty or so metres back to where the Summers's house was. Just as he was about to walk onto the property, the front door opened, and Xander felt his courage almost totally disappear. He stood mostly behind a hedge that was on the boundary to the property and watched as Dawn led Adam out onto the front landing.   
  
From his position, he couldn't hear what was being said, and he didn't want to. The image that was in front of him spoke volumes and the last thing he wanted was a soundtrack to accompany the sight of Dawn passionately kissing her boyfriend. A kiss that showed no signs of ending, when Xander forced himself to walk away after what was the longest ten seconds of his life.   
  
Turning the key in his ignition, and pulling away from the curb, Xander hoped that by the time his dreams commenced that night, his mind would have some other image to replay in his head.  
  
*************  
  
"Ugh!" Wesley grimaced as he threw his head back in frustration. The last few hours had gotten them nowhere. Well that wasn't totally true, but for all they'd read, they were no closer to finding a solution. The only thing they could agree on was that the best chance of victory was stopping the Hellmouth from forming in the first place. Unfortunately at this time, they had no real idea on how to achieve that.  
  
"Well it's early, and we've still got just over a week," Giles replied, adding a generous amount of sarcasm.  
  
"Oh then everything is going to be okay," Wesley added, rolling his eyes. He got up out of his chair and stretched his body, letting out a yawn as he did so. "Maybe we should call it a night as well," he told Giles.  
  
Glancing at his watch and seeing that they'd seen off Saturday and were now heading into Sunday, Giles could only agree. "We're not getting anything done here."  
  
"I hope you have some good quality tea at your place, I think I need it," Wesley added as he grabbed his coat and followed Giles out to the back door.   
  
"I think we'll manage," Giles replied, reaching up to turn off the light. His finger touched the switch when it was halted from a call across the room.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Flicking the switch back on, Giles could see Wesley had been distracted by something in one of the cases. "What is it?" he called out.  
  
"Maybe you can tell me, I'm sure I've seen this before," Wesley replied, still studying the case.  
  
Making his way over, Giles suddenly remembered what was in that case. "That's the staff of a demon called Krostoff," he told Wesley as he arrived next to him.  
  
"Krostoff, Krostoff..." Wesley said, rolling the name around in his mind. "What's it do?"  
  
"We don't actually know, but it was that staff, and Krostoff's power to be more precise that sent Xander into the future. Why?" Giles wondered.  
  
"I'm not sure, it could be nothing,..."   
  
"But?"  
  
"I don't think we're going home yet, Giles," Wesley added, sounding a little excited.  
  
"No," Giles agreed, suddenly feeling a lot less tired. "I don't think we are."  
  
End Part 16  
  
************** 


	17. Seventeen

Part 17  
  
It wasn't so much the pounding on his door that irritated Xander that morning. The pounding wasn't all that hard. What irritated him more, was a combination of the early hour, and the interruption to what was the only decent sleep he'd gotten that night.  
  
He was inclined to ignore the light rapping of knuckles on his front door, but when they knocked again, this time with a little more urgency behind it, Xander sighed, and swung his legs out over the side of the bed, before planting them on the floor and rising himself up. Letting out a deep yawn, he stretched, and wiped some of the sleep that had built up around his eyes.  
  
"Be there in a minute," he shouted out, his voice sounding like it'd been dragged across a number of different gravel pads.  
  
Reaching down, Xander grabbed a pair of boxer shorts, and slowly put one leg through an opening followed by the other one, pulling the underwear up as he did. Once set in place, he grabbed his robe and wrapped it around his body, not so much for heat, but more for courtesy of whom he imagined was at the door.  
  
Roughly shaking his head back and forth to clear what remained of the cobwebs in his mind, he walked the short distance to the front door of his apartment, and unlatched the security chain, before opening it.  
  
"Are you okay?" Tara asked concerned before he had a chance to say anything.  
  
"I'm fine, a little tired though," Xander replied, emphasizing the word 'tired' a little.  
  
"What time did you get to sleep?" Tara asked.  
  
"Sometime after sunrise," he replied, regretting it immediately as he saw the look of concern cover her face. "You want to come in?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, thanks," Tara responded, following Xander back inside his room. "We were worried because you hadn't shown up yet."  
  
"I said I'd be there in the morning," Xander replied frowning a little.  
  
"Yeah, and it's past morning," Tara added.  
  
"What!" Xander yelped, turning quickly to look for his watch, then groaning when he noticed the time had ticked a little past 1.00pm. "Oh god, I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. I should've known you'd be sleeping in. I did try to call but all I got was the busy signal."  
  
Xander stepped over to a pile of magazines he had dumped the previous day, guessing that his phone was buried underneath the mess. Lifting them up, he suddenly realised why the phone had been busy. "Next time, I'll be more careful."  
  
"No biggie," Tara responded. "So what worried you last night?"  
  
"Hmm?" Xander asked not really hearing the question.  
  
"What was worrying you last night to cause the lack of sleep?" she replied, as she walked over the small kitchenette and started filling the kettle with water. "Coffee?"  
  
"Yeah," Xander said, answering the latter question first. "I went to see Dawn last night," he blurted out quickly a little while after that.  
  
"You did," Tara replied a little excited, till she saw the look of slight embarrassment that flashed across his face. "What happened?"  
  
"I didn't mean to go there, I just sort of turned up, like I wasn't really thinking, just, you know, went there."  
  
Tara simply nodded, indicating for him to continue.  
  
"Well, I wasn't going to go in, but then I just wanted to, needed to. So I got out and I'd almost walked onto her property, when she walked out with her boyfriend, and gave a great display of swapping spit," Xander bitterly told Tara.  
  
"Hey," Tara replied, grabbing hold onto Xander's arm and pulling him around to face her. "Don't start blaming or being angry at Dawn or Adam, this isn't their fault."  
  
Xander looked for a moment like he was about to argue, but then dropped his gaze to the floor. "I know, it just hurts."  
  
"And it probably will, till you speak to her."  
  
"I can't tell her what happened, I thought you understood that," Xander told her.  
  
"I understand why you don't want to, but it's eating you up Xander. You need to tell her, or at least talk to her."  
  
"She doesn't want to talk to me though," Xander replied.  
  
"That's just it, she does. You just have to be there so she can," Tara told him. "She wanted to talk to you yesterday, but we took off for L.A."  
  
"I had to get out of there," Xander protested.  
  
"I know you did. You're scared Xander. I get that, but no one else does, cause they don't know what happened."  
  
"How can I lose her again?" Xander asked softly.  
  
Tara stepped over and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. "Unless you try, you'll never know."  
  
"That seems easier," Xander admitted.  
  
"I know it does, you moron," Tara replied with a grin. "Go and have a shower and I'll have a coffee waiting for you, okay?"  
  
Xander simply nodded and turned away, but then stopped and turned back around. "Thank you, for everything," he told her with a slight nod, hoping that she understood how much everything she'd done meant to him.  
  
A small smile and nod in return gave him the answer he needed.  
  
******************  
  
Buffy held the staff in her hands, looking at it from all different angels, and up into the light. "This thing can save us?" she asked a little incredulously.  
  
"Umm, well that's what we are endeavoring to find out," Giles replied taking the staff from her and placing it back on the table.  
  
"I don't get it?" Buffy added, shaking her head, looking over at Cordelia, happy that she wasn't the only one.  
  
"Nor do we, yet," Wesley said, as he sat down at the table with another book, and started perusing it.  
  
"But, we think that it holds some sort of energy that can open portals to time and dimensions. And if that's the case, we hope to be able to turn it on itself. Blocking the entry to our dimension. At least in theory," Giles explained, seeing that Buffy wasn't going to be satisfied with a 'were not sure yet' answer.  
  
"It sounds too easy," Buffy opined as she took a seat, wondering if maybe they'd be lucky enough for it to be that simple.  
  
"Well, yes in theory it does. But I dare say the area will be attracting all sorts of demons, just waiting to celebrate the end of the world," Wesley answered.  
  
"Well, demon's we can handle, right?" Buffy asked.  
  
Giles nodded, his reply interrupted as the front door opened to the Magic Shop and Tara walked in with Xander. "Ahh, Xander, just the man," Giles started to say, in that excited way he got when his thought process was following through the logically thought out way.   
  
"Occasionally I am," Xander joked back, signaling hello to everyone as he entered with a nod of his head. "What's the what?"  
  
"This," Buffy said, thrusting the staff in Xander's direction.  
  
"Whoa, easy there Buffy," Xander replied, retreating a couple of paces. "The two times I've been in contact with that thing, resulted in me being thrown forward or backward in time."  
  
Buffy gulped a bit, realising that it may have been a little insensitive, even if she was sure it was harmless. It had after all sat in the magic shop for over four years, doing nothing more malicious than attracting dust. "Sorry," she said a little sheepishly.  
  
"What we need to know, Xander," Giles asked, taking the staff out of Buffy's hands, much like a parent taking a favourite toy out of their child's hands, because she wasn't playing with it properly. "How does this thing work?"  
  
Xander shook his head, "you're asking the wrong person," he replied, then added without thinking, "Angel would know."  
  
As soon as he spoke those words, he realised that he'd made two mistakes. The biggest being that Angel would of course, not know. Not having disappeared in this time line there was no motivation for Angel to do any research on that event. Secondly and looking at the faces of Wesley, Buffy, Giles, Cordelia and even Dawn at the counter, he realised that he had said something that he hadn't mentioned before.  
  
"Why would Angel know?" Cordelia asked, thinking that if her friend knew why didn't all the crew from L.A.  
  
Xander took a seat, steeling himself for the questioning that he knew he'd invited by his slip of the tongue. "He doesn't, Cordy. Not in this time."  
  
"But he did know in the other?" Giles pressed.  
  
Not answering the query straight, Xander replied, "When I disappeared, Angel looked into it, digging up information all over the world. But it wasn't until after Buffy's death that he found out how it worked. Not that it helped, at least not until I turned up another five years later."  
  
Xander looked back and forth at the others, noticing that they all seemed to be taking in the information. All except Tara, who seemed to be willing him to tell them more. He gently shook his head at her, feeling a little bad when she looked a little sad that he hadn't taken up her suggestion, but not noticing that another person hadn't missed their unspoken conversation.  
  
"So you don't actually know how it works?" Wesley asked, a little crestfallen, as he had hoped that Xander might have had the answer they were looking for.  
  
Xander shrugged, resignedly. "It was a combination of spells and the staff's own power, but I really didn't get a lesson on it. What were you hoping to do?"  
  
"Well, it's all theory, but if this,' Wesley answered motioning to the staff, ' is a mechanism for opening dimensional portals, then maybe we can close the portal that opens the Hellmouth to earth. Permanently."  
  
This being the first time Xander had heard this theory, he sat back on his chair, almost trying not to think about how good that would be. "Wow!" he simply said.  
  
"That was pretty much my reaction," Buffy replied.  
  
"Quite, but we have no proof it will work, and no access to any magic's to activate it," Giles muttered a little annoyed at their lack of any further break through this morning.  
  
"How about I call Angel and see if he can look up any of his sources?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"Yes, of course," Wesley added.  
  
Watching them all look for answers, hoping that he may have one for them was slowly making Xander feel sick inside. He didn't dare tell them the true facts behind his return to this time. To do so, would make him admit in front of Buffy, something that while he wouldn't have changed his mind, still hurt to think of what her reaction to it would be. He got the overwhelming feeling that the walls were closing in on him, and he needed nothing more than to take a break and get some fresh air, lest they started to ask him further questions where he would have t to omit, and modify information on the run.  
  
"I need a drink," he simply stated, as he got up and walked over to the back room. Most of the others didn't really notice as they were talking over what exactly to ask Angel, but Tara did, and it did nothing to calm her worries. She knew first hand how keeping a lie secret built the guilt and feelings of almost paranoia in you. The family secret she'd kept from them all, even though it turned out to be a lie, didn't end up helping anyone. She knew how it gnawed away at her psyche and knew exactly what Xander must be going through as he felt the pressure of expectation that others were placing on him, simply because of his knowledge of a future he never wanted to leave.  
  
Getting out of her chair she simply followed Xander out to where he had gone mere seconds previously, thinking that no one had noticed.  
  
What she failed to realise, was that there was one pair of eyes that had been following Xander and her, since they entered the store, seeing each little look that passed between them, and letting her own suspicions grow. She was about to follow them out the back, when the front door bell rang, and a customer walked into the shop. Hearing the bell, Giles signaled over to her to help the lady, so Dawn hopped out from behind the counter and went over to help, putting off her other targets for now.  
  
*****  
  
The crumpled remains of a tin can, thundered against the wall, after Xander had placed a forceful kick into its side. He wasn't at all surprised to find out that such an exertion did little to ease the frustration he was feeling. The way they all looked at him was starting to eat away at the barrier he'd placed around his heart. Some of them looked at him as if he had all the answers, as if their own survival was locked up in his head. With others, he was sure he saw the inkling of mistrust in their eyes. Tara was the odd one out, but even though she knew it all, Xander could see in her eyes, her wishing him to open up.  
  
The only one that hadn't looked at him in any of those ways was Dawn. Xander silently wished it was for another reason, but he was quite sure she just couldn't be bothered.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
Smiling to himself as he turned around, he needed only one guess at who had come of to see if he was okay. "Hey Tara," he replied warmly.  
  
"They know your not telling them everything," she told him gently, as she walked over, and lent on the wall next to where he was standing.  
  
"I know," Xander nodded, answering her solemnly.  
  
A moment of silence passed between them, as Tara wondered, not for the first time, if she should push it further. She glanced up into Xander's eyes, and saw the one thing she needed to see, for her to keep going. It was almost as if she could feel the trust flowing through his gaze, which had settled firmly on her.  
  
"You can tell me," he told her, as if he could tell she was debating whether to or not.  
  
"You need to tell them," she said firmly but gently.  
  
"I can't,' he replied adamantly. "It's best they don't know."  
  
"How can it be best. They need to know what happened, especially now that they think it might help them."  
  
"I'll tell them all they need to know about that," Xander assured her.  
  
"I don't doubt that you will, but what about the fact that Angel will be here today. They'll know something is up. You can't hide your feelings that well." She stopped and thought about their last confrontation. "And I don't know if I can forget what he did either."  
  
"This Angel didn't do any of that," Xander replied.  
  
"Come on, even I can't buy that you don't feel hatred for him," she told Xander. "Why won't you tell them what happened."  
  
Tara was shocked to see what she could only describe as shame in Xander's eyes. "What is it?" she asked, her tone a great deal softer this time.  
  
"How can I tell them, Tara?" Xander replied. "If I tell them what Angel did, I'd have to admit to being forced to return. What does that say about me? How can I tell Buffy that Angel had to trick us to get me to try and save her life"  
  
"You think you made the wrong choice?" she asked, thinking that guilt over that decision was driving Xander's worry.  
  
"That's the thing, I don't," he answered. "What we had, was so right."  
  
"And that's why you feel guilty. Because you don't?" she answered his unasked question.  
  
Xander half-nodded and half-shrugged; not knowing exactly what he was feeling.  
  
*******  
  
After finally getting rid of the customer, although she did buy a good deal of merchandise, Dawn looked around the shop and noticed that the others all seemed engrossed in whatever information they had found. Seeing that there was no other customers and that no one was checking up on her, at least at that minute, she quietly exited out to the back room, hoping to at least confirm her suspicion that Xander and Tara had some secret they were keeping from the others.  
  
She had noticed the little looks with their eyes they had passed as Giles and the others had questioned him over Krostoff's staff. She didn't know what it meant but she was sure it meant something.  
  
Entering the back room, she noticed that they were nowhere in sight. She was about to abandon her search when she heard the raised voice of Xander outside and quietly she moved over to where the back door was open a touch and listened in, not thinking or caring whether it was ethical or not.  
  
*******  
  
"You need to tell her," Tara told him firmly.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Why not?" Tara replied, deciding to stick to her guns.  
  
"I can't do that to her, it wouldn't be fair," Xander tried to explain. "She's not the same person. Nobody is."  
  
"You are," Tara told him.  
  
"Yeah," he said resignedly. "Sometimes I don't feel like it."  
  
"I think you're making a mistake," she said with no malice.  
  
"Maybe. But I'm the only one who will have to live with it."  
  
*********  
  
"So, you call Angel, and I'll talk to Xander and see if he can remember any titles" Giles said, addressing them all, but directing it mainly at Wesley.  
  
Wesley nodded and walked over to the counter where the phone was and picked it up and started dialing.  
  
"Where is Xander?" Buffy asked, and then noticing the absence of the others she added, "and Tara and Dawn?"  
  
"I think Xander said that he needed a drink," Cordelia answered. "I'll go and get them," she said cheerfully, lightly poking Wesley in the side as she walked past him, eliciting a high pitched yelp, that accompanied her laugh as she did.  
  
********  
  
Dawn couldn't believe what she was hearing. There was no doubt in her mind now. There was something that was being kept from them all, and Xander hadn't told anyone, except Tara, the whole truth behind his disappearance. She felt confused and more than a little angry. She found it hard to believe that he would ever keep anything secret that might affect Buffy's safety, but the evidence of her own ears couldn't be discounted.  
  
"You should just go out and talk to him," Cordelia said as she came up behind Dawn, causing the younger brunette to jump in shock.  
  
"Cordy!" she yelped, thought not at full volume, as it would've alerted the other two to her presence.  
  
Cordelia patted her on the arm, and indicated for her to follow. After looking back at the slightly open door for a second, as if she didn't want to break the connection, Dawn acquiesced and followed Cordelia to where some of the seats were set up inside the training room. After they had sat down, Cordy took a deep breath, before starting on her advice.  
  
"Why can't you talk to him?" she asked.  
  
Her usual reply was on the edge of her tongue, but somehow Dawn knew that it wouldn't fly with Miss Cordelia Chase. In the end she simply muttered, "I don't know."  
  
"Do you blame him for leaving you?" she asked.  
  
Dawn nodded.  
  
"You know that he had no choice?"  
  
"Yeah, but he did have a choice when he left."  
  
*****  
  
Almost as soon as Angel replaced the handset back onto it's casing, he heard the front door to the lobby open. Spinning his head around, he wasn't entirely surprised to see Lorne enter, although the way the singing demon sauntered over to him, did little to lower the feelings of annoyance that Angel seemed to experience around his one time confidant.  
  
"Well that's not a welcoming look," Lorne jived as he stopped at the counter and leant slightly on one hand.  
  
"And I thought I had a career in hospitality in my future," Angel deadpanned back. "What're you doing here?"  
  
Lorne ran his finger along the counter as he replied something Angel was sure was just an act to appear as though he wasn't really interested in what was happening.  
  
"I thought my ears were burning, and funny enough these days when I go to the source of such heat, I usually end up here," he responded, still keeping up the façade of indifference.  
  
"I don't have time for this, Lorne," Angel replied, walking away from him and over to the bookshelf, where he started searching through the spines facing him. "Tell me whatever it is you're here to tell me and go."  
  
It didn't take an intuitive demon like Lorne, to realise that Angel's less than impressive patience was running at even lower levels than usual these days. Of course realising that, and stopping his own little jokes was something Lorne found more difficult.  
  
"You really haven't mastered the social niceties in the last 100 years have you?" he quipped, before getting the nasty feeling that if he tried to educate the vampire, he might find himself on the end of a very sharp piece of metal. "Fine, fine..." he added, shaking his head as if he was slightly offended at not being able to have a fulfilling banter with his opponent. "You're on the right track, but the powers," he said, gesturing with his eyes, above, "are worried. Time's running out."  
  
Angel who had continued his searching through the different text that were stacked in his bookshelf, as Lorne spoke, didn't turn when he replied. "Well if they are so worried about it, tell them to get their non-interfering butts off the sideline and help out."  
  
"I think they did. Sent you a messenger, I seem to recall," Lorne testified.  
  
"Wiped his memory, I seem to recall as well," Angel said angrily, still feeling hurt at the role hi he both wittingly and unwittingly played in the Xander's deception.  
  
Lorne sighed. This was very old news and not doing anything to help the current situation. "What is done, is done," he simply said.  
  
Angel, with books in his hands, came out from behind the counter and dropped them in front of Lorne. "I don't need you to tell me time is running out. I'm very well aware of that," he virtually spat out. "We're just about to head to Sunnydale, but I think we have room for another passenger."  
  
Backing away slightly, Lorne replied, trying to keep the sudden case of anxiety he felt from showing. "Oh, that's okay. I'm sure the Hellmouth doesn't need another demon to visit it."  
  
Angel simply smiled at him. It was much like the smile a crocodile makes just before it introduces you to its innards. "It wasn't an invitation."   
  
***********  
  
The last few minutes had seemed like an eternity to Dawn as she sat behind the counter waiting to see if her eavesdropping would be found out. After Cordelia had basically told her that she was required up front, a total lie, as there was no customers in the store at all, she knew that Cordelia had gone out side to talk to Xander and Tara. She pleaded with Cordelia not to say anything, but couldn't tell by her expression whether or not she would agree to that.  
  
So when the door from the back room opened it took a lot of effort to not swing around immediately after hearing it. But knowing that Cordelia was probably watching her and wanting to seem still un-interested in what Xander was up to, she refused to look his way.  
  
Her resolve lasted at least a few seconds before she felt as though someone was boring a hole in the back of her head. Looking up for a split second she felt her and Xander's eyes connect, before he turned away, almost shyly. It would've been enough for her heart to flutter usually, if the time they hadn't talked, and the knowledge that he was hiding something from them all was in the front of her mind. She gave Tara a small smile as the blonde-haired witch passed, not knowing why, but Tara seemed to be looking at her with some sympathy, and so she thought it appropriate, even if underneath she still felt that Tara was in on whatever secret Xander was hiding. Then as Cordelia tried to pass and she grabbed her arm and motioned with her eyes to stay.  
  
Cordelia waited till the others had moved over to where Giles and Buffy were talking before addressing the youngest occupant of the shop. "Yes?" she asked.  
  
"Did you tell them?" Dawn asked, wondering if that was why Xander was looking at her.  
  
"No," Cordy replied, but then looking at the reaction of the 18-year-old, she got a little twinge in her grin and added a little slyly. "But maybe I should've."  
  
"Please don't," Dawn protested, trying to keep her voice down so she didn't attract the attention of any of the other people in the room.  
  
"Okay, I won't," Cordy responded, not ever seriously thinking of carrying through with her threat. It just made her feel a little happy jump inside to see in Dawn's eyes that she didn't hate Xander. In fact Cordelia couldn't be sure, but she was beginning to suspect that there was another more powerful emotion kept locked away in Buffy's sister's heart. "But talk to him. He needs you to," she told her earnestly. When Dawn gave a little nod, Cordy lightly touched her shoulder. "And I think you need to as well."  
  
Before Dawn could respond, Cordelia simply walked away, leaving her words hanging in the air around Dawn, and letting them settle in the teenager's thoughts.  
  
Oblivious to the quandary that was currently playing around in Dawn's head, Xander lightly tapped Giles on the back as he reached him. "You wanted to see me?"  
  
As Giles turned around, Xander could see the tension etched across Giles's face. "Um, yes, Xander, you said that Angel had some books on Krostoff in the future?"  
  
"Yeah," Xander replied, mulling over what this might mean.  
  
"Well, we're thinking that, actually hoping is a better way to describe it, that the same books may help us now."  
  
Xander nodded understanding what they were getting at. "But I never disappeared in this time line, Giles. Angel got those books to find out what happened to me."  
  
"Yes, quite," the Englishman replied, "But those books must still exist, somewhere. If you could remember some of the titles?"  
  
Nodding again, and thinking back to that time, or forward if he wanted to confuse himself; Xander could remember some of the titles. But he didn't know which ones were real and which ones Angel had tampered with as part of his deception to get him to agree to attempt to travel back to this time. Admitting to the others that he had to be deceived was a box, that he felt even Pandora wouldn't want to open.  
  
"I think that I can remember some," he told them, trying not to sound to optimistic.  
  
"If you could, then I'll call Angel and see if he can bring them with him when he comes," Giles added, impressing the urgency.  
  
Taking a seat, Xander pulled a sheet of paper and pen in front of him, and started to try and think of which titles would be helpful and which ones would be useless.  
  
*******  
  
"He'll be here in about four hours," Cordelia called out as she hung up the phone. "They're checking a few places first for the books."  
  
After Xander had written down the names of the books that he could remember, Cordelia had phoned through to Angel, the titles in the hope he could locate them. Xander had decided that he would deal with any consequences of wrong titles later. It was a better idea than leaving out any title that may help.  
  
"Good, good," Giles responded. "I think we need to start working out who's going and who's staying, and when?"  
  
"I think we'll need as much help as we can, Giles. Yourself, Angel, Wesley, Willow, Tara, everyone," Buffy replied.  
  
"Agreed," Giles answered.  
  
"And I think you'll find it hard to keep myself, Fred, Gunn or Xander out of this," Cordelia added, looking at Xander who merely nodded. There was no way he was staying behind.  
  
"Okay, that settles it then," Giles said. "Now where..." he started to add, when he was interrupted by a loud cough from behind the counter.  
  
"And what about me?" a slightly aggrieved Dawn asked, almost daring them to forget about her again.  
  
"No!" came a reply. But unlike the one she expected from Buffy this one was rather more amplified, as Xander had joined in the response at pretty much the same time, and if anything seemed more adamant than her sister.  
  
For Dawn the rebuff from her sister was almost expected, which was why she didn't even bother looking at her. However her gaze was sternly set on the other person, and Xander could see the mixture of shock, hurt and more than anything else, anger that radiated from those eyes.  
  
"Why the hell not?" she asked, not even realising that she was actually speaking, even if not in the most pleasant tone, to Xander, for the first time in ages.  
  
Oblivious to the gaze of the other occupants in the shop, Xander eyes were focused solely on the face of the woman who filled his dreams. He didn't see Buffy's surprised look, nor the look of worry that filled Tara's face. He had longed for this moment, when they were both looking at each other again. But unlike his dream, this was almost tearing him in two, looking at the emotion that was emanating from her.  
  
"You'll be safer in Sunnydale," he replied softly, trying to keep calm.  
  
"I'm not a little girl!" Dawn protested back.  
  
If it wasn't for the look of rage in her eyes, Xander would've been tempted to laugh at the irony of it all. If there was one person in the room that didn't think Dawn was a 'little girl', it was him. "I know that," he told her wistfully.  
  
His calm tones did nothing to placate Dawn's temper. "Really? Quite a neat trick considering you ran away to LA for most of my high school years."  
  
Xander had no time to respond, before Tara's voice raged across the room. "Dawn!"  
  
He looked over at his confidant and friend, silently communicating his thanks for her help, but knowing that he had to deal with this alone. Slowly turning back to face Dawn, he kept his voice level and steady, trying not to let his own emotions run away with him.  
  
"You stayed in Sunnydale, in the original history and lived. I thought it would be safer for you to do the same." He shook his head sadly, but then turned and started to walk away, not wanting to escalate the argument further than the already regrettable confrontation.  
  
As Dawn moved to intercept him, Tara reached over and grabbed her arm, pulling her around to face her. The look in Dawn's eyes shocked her. They usually were on the best terms, but Tara could see none of that in the eyes of the other girl at that moment. She could tell that Dawn was too worked up to see anything rational at this point.  
  
"Why?" she yelled at Tara. When Tara didn't answer, she muttered "typical" under her breath, and then turned back to where Xander was at end of the store, looking as though he was going to walk out.  
  
"What secret are you keeping from us?" she accused him, her voice reaching an uncomfortable level.  
  
When she got no response, she took a few steps towards him, and continued. "I heard you and Tara outside."  
  
This time she got his attention, and Dawn knew it. It only confirmed her suspicions. The lack of response was maddening to her, but the look of almost fear on his face, spoke volumes to her. However it didn't placate her at all, and before Xander or the others really noticed, she was standing face to face with him, her eyes almost pleading and daring at the same time for him to answer her.  
  
"What's the big secret?" she shouted again, although this time the decibel level was less than the previous occasions.  
  
If Dawn was hoping that her confrontation would force a response from Xander, she was to be sorely mistaken. It totally threw her to see a tear falling down the left side of his face; a face that now looked crushed and lost. She was almost ready to ask him something, although this time her voice would've been a lot calmer, when his right arm rose and the back of his hand, lightly, gently, stoked the outside of her right cheek.  
  
She shivered slightly as if some small piece of electricity had passed between them. She couldn't help but close her eyes at the feeling, marveling that such a simple touch could radiate so deeply in her. Almost without thought she brought her hand up to encompass his, wanting at that one moment to feel it pressed further against her. But when her hand reached her cheek she only felt her own skin, as his hand was no longer there. Opening her eyes, she saw only the retreating figure of Xander, as the front door to the Magic shop swung open, and his body seemed to be swallowed by the darkness outside. Dawn, stood there in shock, still touching her hand to her cheek, where only moments ago his fingers had lightly caressed her skin. The ringing of the doorbell, filling her ears as the door finally closed in front of her.   
  
End Part 17 


	18. Eighteen

Part 18  
  
It was an uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the occupants of the store. Some of them were seated around the table at the opposite end to where Xander had just made his exit, but distance gave them no respite from the feeling of being witness to something that was personal. Not that any of them had any idea of what it was they exactly saw, but they all felt as though they had intruded in some way.  
  
The level of unease was no less for the other three occupants, but unlike their friends that now seemed to be trying to ignore what happened, these three had no such luxury. Tara stood there in shock, never expecting that Dawn would've confronted them like that. But as much as Dawn's words and actions surprised her, her immediate thoughts were focused on Xander. She knew how much this could back his attempts at reconciling the life that he lost, with this one. She had no idea of where he'd gone. Although Sunnydale was no longer a place where you had to worry about creatures of the night, she couldn't stop herself from worrying. She walked over and peered out through the glass door, hoping that he was just outside, but couldn't see anything other than the darkness of night, broken up by the less than satisfactory illumination of the street lamps.   
  
She knew that Dawn didn't have the knowledge she did, and as such could be forgiven for not knowing just how her actions would affect Xander. But even with her knowing that, Tara still wanted Dawn to know just how badly she'd hurt him. Turning around to face the teenager, she caught the look on Dawn's face, and no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't bring herself to worsen the obvious pain that Dawn was feeling.   
  
She made to step forward, finding herself unable to resist the need to try and help, when her eye caught someone else who had made it to Dawn first. Someone that looked angrier than Tara had originally been.   
  
"What the hell was that?" the elder Summers's sister demanded, holding onto Dawn's arm and swinging her around to face her.  
  
Dawn had till then, been still, starring out the door where Xander had walked off to, and although Tara had seen her, it was only when she was spun around that Buffy, and the others, saw the tears that were running down her face.  
  
Buffy herself was taken back by the look on her sister's face. Considering how angry she had been in her outbursts, Buffy wasn't expecting this reaction at all. Without thinking about it, she lessened the grip on Dawn's arm, now more holding to support her, rather than restrain her.   
  
"I...umm..." was all that Dawn could say before she yanked her arm free of Buffy's grip and ran out the same door Xander had disappeared through barely a minute earlier. The sound of the doorbell ringing, failing to cover up the sobs as she ran out.   
  
Buffy stood there looking even more lost, before spinning around and looking at Tara. At that moment, Tara wished that she hadn't been left alone, as she was now certain to be the focus of one of Buffy's patented questionings.  
  
"You know what is going on, don't you?" Buffy asked, trying not to sound too confrontational.  
  
"Yes," Tara responded, wishing that a hole would open up under her and swallow her whole.  
  
"You're not going to tell me anymore are you?" Buffy replied.  
  
Tara knew a simple, No, would be met with more questioning and maybe even suspicions. She thought about her answer carefully before speaking. "They just need to sit down and talk to each other," she told her. Softening her voice a little and taking a step towards Buffy she added, "they're both hurting inside and are too stubborn to actually work it out."  
  
Buffy nodded, that much rang true to her. "It hurts me to see them like that."  
  
"I'm sure it'll work out," Tara responded filling her voice with the right amount of confidence, though for her it was more a wish.  
  
Buffy nodded, then remembering something that Dawn said, asked Tara, "Xander's keeping something secret from us, isn't he?"  
  
"Buffy, please trust him. He's told you everything you need to know," Tara said, her eyes pleading with her to drop it.   
  
"You know don't you?" she asked softly.  
  
Tara simply nodded.   
  
Shaking her head, wishing that it could all be out in the open, but knowing that until Xander wanted it to be, it wouldn't, Buffy nodded to Tara and turned back to where the other's had been trying their hardest to seem invisible at the other end of the store.  
  
As Tara watched Buffy walk away, she was gratified that Buffy's trust was still there in both of them. Her worry was that as the situation got more desperate, as she was sure it would, trust, even among the best of friends tended to be a much more flexible commodity.   
  
************  
  
The pounding on the front door, made Stacey pleased about two things, once she realised who exactly the less than quiet visitor was. Foremost on her list of things to be thankful for, was the absence of her parents, whom no doubt wouldn't have appreciated any of the finer points of door frame banging, and secondly, and maybe even more important was the fact that her home had a very sturdy front door. For although she was sure her best friend did not weigh all that much, she was certain that a good percentage of each pound was being used in knocking on the door.  
  
"Geez, would you have a little patience?" she shouted as she walked up to the door. "What? Is the world ending?" she asked, as she opened it and looked at her friend, taking in the less than sprightly features of Dawn Summers. One look into her face was almost enough to convince Stacey, that maybe the world was in its last days.  
  
"Hey, aren't you suppose to be going to that big party with Adam?" Stacey asked, remembering the party she'd decided to blow off due to the severe lack of sleep from the night before.   
  
Dawn didn't say anything in return of the questions, instead she walked past Stacey and plonked herself down in one of the chairs in the family room, letting herself sink into it, bringing her hands up to her face as she got settled.  
  
Stacey took in the sight, and wondered not for the first time in the last few years, who had appointed her, Dawn's own sounding board. She shut the front door and went over to Dawn, knowing that it was a job she accepted when she became best friend. Something that she wouldn't change for anything. Sitting down next to her, she lightly touched Dawn on the shoulders, hoping that at least she might face her while they talked.   
  
"What happened?" she asked, with nothing but concern in her voice.  
  
"I happened," she replied, through her hands, which muffled most of her voice.   
  
Stacey reached up and pulled the hands down from Dawn's face, and asked again.  
  
"I lost it," Dawn replied this time, though to Stacey it wasn't any more informative.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"I think that Xander is lying to us, and I confronted him?" she expanded, looking at her friend for support, as inside the sick feeling that had settled in her stomach only seemed to indicate that she'd made a huge mistake.  
  
"I, ummm..." Dawn started to say, but not wanting to admit to eavesdropping she added, "overheard him and Tara talking."  
  
"Yeah and?" Stacey asked, leaving the exact details of how Dawn overheard alone for now.  
  
"Tara kept on saying something about telling her, and Xander would refuse to do so," Dawn replied, hoping that it sounded better to Stacey than it just did to herself.  
  
"And you went up and asked him about it," Stacey said mildly surprised. "Considering that you've avoided talking to him for months, that was quite a step for you."  
  
"Well, I didn't exactly do that," Dawn answered a little sheepishly.  
  
Stacey rolled her eyes. "I don't think I want to know."  
  
"Hey, he and Buffy, they were all trying to," Dawn stopped, not wanting to explain about San Francisco. "They were treating me like a child."  
  
Suddenly it all became clear to her. "Oh, no! You didn't just go and lose it at Xander did you?"  
  
Dawn couldn't hide how guilty she felt at this. "Yeah, I did."  
  
Stacey pondered this for a while, thinking that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. If it got them talking, then maybe a little pain was worth it. "And?" she asked, seeing as though Dawn didn't seem to be anymore forthcoming.  
  
Shrugging her shoulders, Dawn replied, "and nothing."  
  
It just didn't ring true to Stacey. "What do you mean nothing? He just stood there while you regressed to your bratty Junior High self?"  
  
Dawn didn't appreciate the analogy, but had to agree with the question behind it. "He looked really sad." Then without realising it, she brought her hand up to her cheek, trying to capture the feeling she had when he had laid his hand on it. "Then after a while, he lightly touched my cheek. Then he just walked out."  
  
Stacey could tell that she was remembering the incident, and had to raise her eyebrow as Dawn continued to lightly touch her own cheek, no doubt where Xander had earlier. "Did you go after him?"  
  
  
"I tried, but by the time I'd gotten past Buffy, he'd gone. So I came here."  
  
Stacey shook her head some more. "I just don't get it." Then looking pointedly at Dawn she added. "I don't get either of you."  
  
"What?" Dawn asked.  
  
"I feel like a broken record. TALK TO HIM. And if he was here, I'd tell him the same thing."  
  
"I can't," Dawn replied. "He's lying to us or at least keeping something from us."   
  
"So?"  
  
"So, I can't talk to him when I'm still angry."  
  
"Why are you really so angry with him?" Stacey asked.  
  
"I've just told you..." Dawn answered before being cut off by Stacey shaking her head at her.  
  
"You've been pissed at him for ages." Stacey told Dawn firmly.  
  
Dawn opened her mouth to argue again, but then said nothing, noting both that Stacey already seemed ready to disagree, and that her best friend was right. Looking down, not wanting to face her friend's eyes, while she gathered her thoughts, Dawn simply replied, "I wish I wasn't."  
  
She didn't get any joy from disagreeing with her friend, but she believed that it was just as much a part of being a friend, as it was to be there when she was needed. Which, by the way that Dawn had fallen silent, was now.  
  
"I know I don't get it," she told her, taking a seat next to Dawn and softly patting her shoulder. "I didn't know you when he was around. But from what you've told me, he was pretty special to you."  
  
Dawn turned her head slightly and nodded, agreeing silently with that conclusion.   
  
"I've only said a few words to him, but he seems like a nice enough guy," she added, glad to see that this softer approach seemed to be working. Although part of her felt a little weird at the seriousness of the talk, so she couldn't resist adding, "and he's not bad on the eyes."  
  
For a second Dawn looked like she was in shock at Stacey's words, trying to work out if she'd just heard what she thought she'd heard. But just as she was making that determination, Stacey couldn't hold her straight face any longer and burst out laughing.  
  
"Oh, you should've seen the look you gave me," she said in between giggles, pointing at Dawn's face. "It wasn't green, but it was pretty close."  
  
"I was not jealous," Dawn replied indignantly.  
  
"No?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Okay, whatever," Stacey said, leaving it alone. Then with a sly grin she slipped in, "but he is a hottie," before jumping off the couch and out of the reach of a flying cushion that had been launched out of her friends hands, narrowly missing Stacey's head, as she bolted into the hallway, and around the corner.  
  
Holding her side, as she tried to calm her own laughter, Dawn knew Stacey was just trying to lift her mood. It was something that she excelled in, and not for the first time, Dawn was grateful for it. But in between catching her breath, and slowing the giggles, some of what Stacey had told her, kept repeating in her head.   
  
She just didn't know what exactly to do about it.  
  
***********  
  
Tara quickly looked up when the front door to the magic shop opened, but to both her surprise and disappointment, it wasn't Xander that walked through the door. Tara intellectually knew that the person who had walked in wasn't responsible for what happened to Xander in the future. But even knowing that, didn't stop her from feeling just a little bit of hatred towards Angel for those actions.   
  
So while the others all greeted them, she hung pack, simply nodding her head as they went past, and walked over to where Giles and Wesley had set up the majority of the research results.  
  
"You're here earlier than we expected," Giles said, no less gratified that they were though.  
  
"We left Lorne, to check some leads in LA, he's going to follow us tomorrow," Angel replied.  
  
"I think he was a little scared to come," Fred ventured in her opinion, giving Angel a slightly unforgiving look.  
  
Angel was about to say something, but didn't. He knew that he'd been hard on Lorne, but after feeling like Lorne's pawn for the last few years, it had felt good to be on the other side. That being said, Lorne was correct in saying that there were still people he could speak to in LA, that wouldn't be so forthcoming if Angel approached them, so it made sense to stay and have him follow up on those leads before following them.  
  
"Were you able to come up with any of the books that Xander mentioned?" Giles asked.  
  
"We found some, but other's well they just didn't seem to have anything to do with what we were researching," Angel told them. "Maybe he got some of the names wrong?"  
  
"Maybe" Wesley answered. Although they had not discussed it, he was sure that they all wondered just what exactly Dawn's outburst meant. Now they had knowledge that the titles he'd given hadn't been totally accurate, it was just something else to worry about later.   
  
"Well, anyway, we located about half of them, but only three are probably any use," Angel replied, as Gunn placed the bag with the books in it, on the table.   
  
"What are we thinking of doing exactly?" Angel asked.  
  
Wesley looked at Giles, then at Cordelia, then back to Angel. "We're trying to block the Hellmouth's portal to our dimension for ever."  
  
To the ones that had never heard it before, the enormity of just what they were proposing to attempt hit them, like it had all the others. Angel saw the Staff in the corner and picked it up, studying it closely. "And you think this might do the trick?"  
  
"We hope so," Giles replied, knowing that as yet, all they had was theory and no real evidence that it would cause anything other than an attractive light show.  
  
Angel simply nodded, realising that they would still have much to work on. As the others set about looking up more books, or whatever Wesley was allocating them to do, Angel's attention was distracted by Buffy, who was sitting by herself, staring off into the distance.   
  
He knew that she had faced death before, and died twice, but this time it wasn't any ancient prophecy that was predicting her doom. This time the warning came in the guise of one of her best friends. A best friend that seemed, surprising Angel, to be absent. If the look that Tara gave him was any indication, asking her about his whereabouts would not be the prudent thing to do. Instead he walked over to where Buffy was situated.  
  
"Hey," he said simply.  
  
Buffy looked up at him and smiled, though Angel could tell it was a weary one. "Hi."  
  
"Umm, is Xander not around?" Angel asked, immediately wishing that he hadn't when he noticed Buffy's features go a little cold.  
  
"It's probably best that Xander isn't around, Angel," she told him.  
  
"I had no choice, Buffy," Angel responded, a little part of him glad that he at least had the chance to defend himself. "And if it meant keeping you safe, I would do it again."  
  
If he was expecting any gratitude from his ex-girlfriend, her response was surely a let down. Shaking her head at him, she simply stated, "we don't do that to friends, Angel."  
  
"That's okay, Buff. We aren't friends," Xander stated as he walked in the store having overheard the last of their conversation. He was a little surprised to see the look of hurt on the vampire's face, but being honest with himself, he really didn't care. "We just happen to have a common goal,"  
  
At this Angel nodded and walked away, leaving Tara to come up to where Xander and Buffy were. "Are you okay?" she asked.  
  
Xander nodded, letting her know that he was, and that she could ask him about it later if she wanted. Tara, who by now was use to his little signs, knew what he meant and didn't say anything in return, simply happy to know that he seemed to be okay.  
  
After waving to Fred and Gunn, who had been alerted to his presence by his voice, he knelt down next to Buffy, noticing that she seemed distant. "Buffy?" he asked.  
  
"I'm okay," she told him, lightly patting his arm as she did. But when Xander searched her eyes he saw that they belied her words. Xander himself could only guess what it must be like for her, and as such, he didn't have any words of encouragement. He simply gave her a small grin, and walked over to where the rest of the group had congregated to see if he could help at all.  
  
***********  
  
It felt strange to Dawn, how a place where she'd been on numerous occasions, and felt totally at home, suddenly felt constrictive. Leaning back in the passenger seat of her boyfriend's car, trying to simply let the music, that was emanating from the car stereo flow through, she couldn't get comfortable.   
  
That little nagging itch at the back of her mind, wouldn't let go of it's hold on her and whenever she felt, just for a second that she had passed it, it would scratch again, causing her to shift in her seat in an attempt to find comfort.  
  
"You okay?" Adam, her boyfriend asked, after she'd shifted around for the third time.  
  
"Umm, yeah, just got things on my mind," Dawn replied, still working over some of the things that Stacey had told her.  
  
And once again, the only accompaniment to Dawn's troubled thoughts were the music, although to Dawn it almost sounded like silence compared to her own inner dialogues.  
  
"So, you just need to get ready for the party, right?" Adam asked, trying more to start a conversation, then actually verifying that they were going back to Dawn's place for her to get ready.  
  
"Yeah, I mean," Dawn replied, her voice a little distant, then as if she had suddenly realised something, she turned her head to face her boyfriend. "I can't come out tonight."  
  
"Huh?" Adam replied, not sure what he was hearing.  
  
"I need," Dawn started, before a small smile set on her face. "I need to go and see a friend."  
  
Adam, briefly taking his eyes off the road, didn't know what to make of the look on Dawn's face. Ever since he'd picked her up from Stacey's she had seemed troubled, but when he asked her about it, she'd waved it away. Now, however she seemed to have become almost calm, as if some weight had been lifted from her shoulders. He turned the indicator on, and pulled off to the side of the road. When he had completed the maneuver, he turned his head to see Dawn studying him closely.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"What's going on?" Adam responded with a question of his own.   
  
"About tonight?" Dawn replied.   
  
"Yes, but also today. I was supposed to pick you up from the Magic Shop, but then you call and say you are at Stacey's house. When I get there, you seem like someone had told you the world was going to end, and you can't share it with anyone. And now you," he said while taking another look at her features, "you look like your happy again."  
  
"I just had a few things on my mind, and I've sorted them out, that's all," Dawn answered, not wanting to get into the details.  
  
"And that means that you can't come out tonight?"   
  
When Dawn simply shook her head, Adam continued, "To a party that had been planned for months?"  
  
"I'm sorry," Dawn replied.  
  
Shaking his head, Adam had to admit to himself that this wasn't the first time that Dawn had cancelled arranged plans at the last moment. When he'd first asked her about it, she had told him that she was sorry, but sometimes things come up in her life and she can't always say that she'll be where she said she'd be. He had tried to push it further, but it had been very clear to him that it was non-negotiable, and if he wanted to have a relationship with Dawn Summers, some mystery and unfortunate late changes were to go hand in hand with all the good things. The difference was that this time, she had said something else. This time she'd said she had a friend to see.  
  
"And you have to see this friend tonight?" he asked.  
  
"I have to apologise," she told him. "I've waited too long as it is."  
  
That didn't seem to bad too Adam, but it also didn't seem like a night-long duty either. "Well I can wait outside for you while you do."  
  
Dawn shook her head just once, before answering. "I'm not sure how long I'll be. I'm not even sure what time he'll get home."   
  
As soon as she had said those words, one look in her boyfriend's eyes told her that she maybe should've left out the 'he' part.   
  
"He?" he asked. "Who's he?"  
  
Dawn knew that she either had to lie, or admit that she had been less than truthful earlier. She had never set out to deceive her boyfriend, but it was easier when he had asked not to admit to her feelings for Xander. Not just for him, but for her as well.   
  
"It's Xander," she softly said.  
  
She looked into Adam's eyes and could tell that he was trying to work out where exactly he was lost. "You're breaking a date, to go and apologise to a person, who is 'just a friend of Buffy's'," he said, using her own words in a slightly sarcastic manner.  
  
She didn't like the tone, but considering her slight deception had been partly responsible, she didn't call him on it. Instead she took a deep breath, and admitted to Adam, "he's more than that."  
  
It looked to her like Adam was about say something that they would both regret, but then he paused, taking a breath himself. "Was he your old boyfriend?" he asked, a little bit of fear in his voice.  
  
Dawn had to stifle a laugh. "God, I wished," she replied, realising as soon as she'd said it, that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to say at that moment in time. "Hold on," she said quickly, making sure that Adam wouldn't just lock out anything else she had to say.  
  
"I had the biggest crush on him from pretty much the first time I met him, but I was like ten at the time. After my mother died, and Buffy, went away," she told him, realising that she could hardly say that Buffy died as well, "Xander and I became really close. He was my best friend, he was the one constant in my life and meant so much to me."  
  
"You were in love with him?" Adam asked, the picture that he had seen on the mantle piece in her home, suddenly becoming clearer to him.  
  
"With all my heart," Dawn admitted.  
  
"And he wasn't your boyfriend?"  
  
"No, it was never like that. Xander was engaged at the time."  
  
Adam let this information sink in for a while, before asking, "What happened?"  
  
Dawn didn't answer at first, her mind trying to re-work things to edit out any of the off-worldly parts of Xander's life. "He had a breakdown I suppose, and left for LA four years ago, where we heard nothing from him till he came back."  
  
"Okay so this guy who was pretty much your world, took off four years ago, I get that. Then why didn't you tell me this when I asked?"  
  
Dawn shrugged. "It hurt to much to think about him. It was easier to just dismiss him as one of Buffy's friends."  
  
"But you never did, not in your heart," Adam told her, his voice telling her that he was remembering one of those times that he'd asked about Xander. "I saw your eyes, when you noticed him."  
  
"I've been stubborn and stupid, and I need to talk to him, " Dawn answered.  
  
"And you have to do this tonight?" Adam asked, realising that no matter what he thought about it, she would do it anyway.  
  
"I can't lose my nerve," she told him.  
  
Adam just shook his head, but didn't say anything. He turned the key in the ignition and started the car. "Do you need to go home first?" he asked her resignedly.  
  
"Yeah," she answered. Seeing the look of doubt on his face, Dawn reached over and kissed him on his cheek. "He's not my boyfriend, Adam. You are."  
  
Adam simply nodded in return, not showing his real thoughts. 'I suppose I'll find that out tomorrow,' he told himself.  
  
****************  
  
Noticing that Tara seemed to be nodding off, Xander reached over and lightly nudged her. "Hey, you want to get out of here?" he asked.   
  
Opening her eyes and feeling a little self-conscious at almost falling asleep, she sat herself upright. "Yeah, Willow will be back from the library soon," Tara responded.  
  
"I would say poor Will, but no doubt she's enjoying all the extra work this course keeps giving her," Xander said, as Tara got up.  
  
"I think she feels guilty not being here, though," Tara added. "But she finishes on Monday, so she'll be here then."  
  
Xander could only agree. "I doubt we'd be able to keep her away." He looked up at where the others were still studiously going over various books. "We're going to get home and have a good night's sleep" he called out to them, almost wanting to laugh, when the only response they got was a sort of wave from some of them. He'd been in those zones before, and he knew that they probably wouldn't be finishing up till the early hours of the next morning. He knew they wouldn't need neither him nor Tara for the rest of the night.   
  
"Do you want a lift home?" he asked Tara as they walked towards the door.  
  
"Do you want to get a coffee first?" she asked, as they went outside, not forgetting that they really hadn't had a chance to talk since he'd returned.  
  
Two of the others were totally occupied with the research they were doing. One was watching them leave, her face filled with unease, while the other was watching the first, wondering what exactly was running through the other's mind.  
  
When the door had closed behind them, Cordelia leant over and lightly nudged Buffy. "You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, it's just. What if Dawn was right?"  
  
"You trust Xander don't you? And Tara?" Cordelia asked, a little shocked at Buffy's words.  
  
"I don't think that they would purposefully keep something from us, that could help, but how do I know if they are doing it accidentally. Maybe they don't know themselves. And why keep a secret anyway?"  
  
Cordelia wondered how much of Buffy's words were fueled by her own fear at what was coming, and how much was mistrust. She had to agree that Xander and Tara had formed some sort of friendship that wouldn't easily be broken. But nothing in the years he spent in LA would convince Cordelia that Xander would keep something important from them. And especially not from Buffy.  
  
"You'll just have to trust him, Buffy."  
  
****************  
"You actually want to have coffee at my place?" Xander asked incredulously. "Well, consider yourself warned, cause I'm not the best coffee maker," he joked, "and my place is a mess."  
  
"That's okay with me," Tara answered. "I just thought we could talk."  
  
"I'm really okay, you know," Xander told her as they left the Magic Shop behind.   
  
"I know, sweetie, but I worry," Tara replied. "You've been really quiet since before," she told him, not mentioning the 'argument' by name.  
  
Xander shrugged a little, not taking his eyes off the road in front of him. "If she overheard some stuff, I'm surprised that's all she did."  
  
"I don't think she heard much, otherwise she would have said so," Tara told him. "But are you really okay?"  
  
"I probably needed a reminder that the Dawn I loved doesn't exist." He turned the corner, before continuing. "I mean I look at Dawn and I can see the woman I loved. Her voice, and even her fire. But it isn't the same."  
  
"No it isn't," Tara told him. "The Dawn you loved, never had these experiences."  
  
"She never had Adam for a boyfriend, she never hated me," Xander added, then noting Tara's look, he revised, "had indifferent feelings towards me, then. Better?"  
  
"Slightly," Tara replied, trying not to laugh a little. Even though she worried about Xander, he was still able to make her smile inside. It was probably the combination of those two things that made her feel so protective of him. "But she wouldn't be like this, unless there was a deep reason for it. Remember what she told you."  
  
Xander nodded, remembering the words that he'd written in his journal. "The feelings will be there Xander. It'll just be up to you to activate them," he said smiling at the memory as he did so.   
  
"That Dawn is still here," Tara told him softly. "But unless you open up to her, you will never know her."  
  
"I know," Xander replied without adding any more, leaving the silence to accompany them for the rest of the trip to his apartment. When they pulled up outside, Xander waited till Tara had gotten out of her side, before activating the central lock and walking up the to the front doors.   
  
"So do you still want to brave a coffee, before calling Will?" he asked.  
  
"Sure," Tara replied, glad that the last five minutes of silence had been broken by such a normal suggestion. She allowed him to hold the door open, then waited for him before heading up the internal stairs to the second floor, where his apartment was located.   
  
"So what's happening tomorrow?" she asked as she followed just behind him up the stairs.  
  
"I suppose we'll..." Xander replied, before his voice faded out, and he stopped frozen in place, not giving any notice to Tara who ran into his back,  
  
"Xander! What?" she said, before peering past him at the girl who was sitting outside Xander's doorstep. Suddenly it became very clear why Xander had suddenly frozen.  
  
Their voices had floated up the stairs and alerted her to their coming presence before she could see them, but as Xander's head came into view, Dawn could feel her heart pounding, a feeling which only intensified when she knew that he had seen her.   
  
Their eyes locked on each other, both seemed to be conveying equal amounts of fear and surprise, love and sadness.   
  
"Dawn,"   
  
For some reason Xander's words hit like a bullet on her heart, yet they were delivered so softly that it didn't hurt, just made her ache inside.   
  
And so they stood for seconds, seemingly drinking in the presence of each other, before Tara felt it was time to make herself scarce. "I'll see you tomorrow," she told Xander, lightly laying her hand on his shoulder.   
  
It seemed to bring them both out of their trance. "You don't want to call Will, inside?" Xander asked.  
  
Tara shook her head, a little smile on her face. "I've got my mobile, I can use it outside. I think that is where I should be."  
  
Xander nodded and smiled in return. "Come up if you have to."  
  
"I will," Tara responded, before turning to face Dawn. "See you tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah," the brunette replied, thankful that Tara hadn't given her a piece of her mind for how she had acted earlier.  
  
After he'd both watched Tara walk back down the stairs, and putting away the sneaking suspicion that she was smiling very broadly as she did, Xander turned back to see that Dawn had taken a few steps closer to him.  
  
Suddenly lost for words, and trying desperately to find the most appropriate things to say, Xander felt his mouth drying up, so that when he finally spoke it came out a lot rougher than planned.   
  
"Hi," he simply said.  
  
"Hey," Dawn replied, seeming to be just as stuck on what to say as he was.  
  
Another few moments of silence followed, during which they both inspected different squares of the carpet in front of them, before looking back at each other.   
  
"Umm, what you like to come in?" Xander asked timidly.  
  
Dawn smiled, and told him warmly, "I'd love to."  
  
He tried to hide his grin, at her response. But the way her face lit up when she smiled, sent a warm glow through him, and for a moment he felt taken away by the sight.   
  
"Xander?" she asked, when he hadn't moved for a moment.  
  
"Oh, sorry," he replied hiding his head, hoping he wasn't blushing at being caught. He put his key in the lock and turned the key, opening the door and letting Dawn enter first. A quick look around the living room and kitchen reminded Xander of why he should always expect company, even when he didn't. Trying to hide his embarrassment at the state of it, he motioned for her to sit down, as he scooped a pile of loose stuff off the couch and coffee table, sweeping it all together in his hands.  
  
"Would you like a drink?" he asked, as he walked over to the spare room, and unceremoniously dumped everything he had in his hands on that room's floor, before turning around and shutting the door behind him, trying, rather unsuccessfully to seem nonchalant about it all.  
  
"That would be nice," Dawn replied, wanting to also tell him not to worry about cleaning, but the tightrope she felt she was walking in this conversation didn't give her the courage to do so.  
  
She watched as Xander walked from where he had shut the door to the spare room, over to the kitchen. "Coffee?" he asked, as he cleared some stuff off the bench.  
  
"Yes, thanks, white and one," she told him.  
  
"I knew that," Xander said to himself, trying to smile at the fact that Dawn was actually sitting in his, maybe less than opulent, living room. He put water into the coffee maker and unceremoniously dumped a large scoop of coffee into the new filter he placed in the machine. As Xander went to the cupboard looking for cups, cream and sugar, the familiar hum and smell of brewed coffee started filling the apartment.  
  
As he turned away from her, Dawn cast her eyes around his apartment. That it looked pleasant enough, was her first impression. The second thing that struck her however was that it didn't look like home. It looked like someone was staying in it. But there weren't any personal touches that made an apartment, (or house for that matter), a home. She had a sudden fear that maybe Xander wasn't going to be here after everything in San Francisco was done with. If that was the case, she was even happier that she'd decided to come and see him tonight.   
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the coffee cups touching the table in front of her. She looked up to see that Xander had sat himself down across from her, and once again seemed to be searching for the right thing to say. She didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, but she couldn't stop herself from staring into his brown eyes, trying to find a lasting vestige of the connection they used to share. It was difficult, now that she was actually sitting with him, not to wish that he would sit with her, instead of across from her. That he would let her lean up against him, letting her feel safe in his presence. But she knew that there was too many words, or in some way, not enough between them for her to expect that to happen.  
  
She didn't know how long she'd been studying him, though she was sure it wasn't as long as she thought, when he broke the silence with a question.  
  
"Are you happy?"  
  
She didn't know what exactly to make of the question. But she could tell by Xander's tone, and the fact that since asking it, he hadn't looked away, that it wasn't any flippant question.   
  
"Yes, I am,' she softly told him, though as she said it she wondered if that was all. She turned to look down for a moment, thinking about her answer, before raising her head and answering him again.  
  
"No, not totally," she told him, fighting to keep her emotions reined in as she continued. "I miss you."  
  
The words and more tangibly the emotion behind them, were something that Xander had thought he'd never hear again. For the first time since she entered his apartment, he no longer cared what it looked like. It was no longer important.  
  
"I've missed you so much," he told her, getting up. He took a few steps closer to her, hoping that she wasn't going to be worried by the action. It was a concern that was quickly erased when Dawn practically flew out of her seat and jumped into his arms, wrapping her own around his waist, while snuggling her head into his chest.   
  
Xander tightened his arms around her, not noticing anything else around him. He had her in his arms, and he was in hers. It felt so right. He felt so loved.  
  
He felt home.  
  
End Part Eighteen 


	19. Nineteen

Part Nineteen  
  
There are certain things in life that just feel right. A lot of times they can't be explained. There is no scientific reason for it. And if someone tries to explain it, they fail in the attempt. For in these occasions, you wonder if only God's were meant to understand why it felt just so right.   
  
It was such an event that two people were experiencing at that very moment. Entwined in each other's arms, they were almost oblivious to anything else that was occurring at that point of time. For one, it was a feeling that he'd thought lost forever when he'd been tricked into making a backwards time-jump. For the other, it was as if the missing part of her was suddenly found. Her best friend was there with her again.  
  
Neither of them had any real notion of how long they had held each other. But then some time later, they both pulled slightly apart and gazed at each other. Both of them felt no need to wipe away the tears that had formed in their eyes and were now almost proudly making there way slowly down their respective cheeks. There was no need to hide how they were feeling. Each of them knew the other could feel it.  
  
A little time later they let go of each other and sat back down on the couch. It was almost painful for Xander to let go at that moment, even though he knew he had to. They could hardly stay in each others arms for eternity. The very short distance between them, no more than a few feet, was about as far as he was willing to let slip between them. But even at that distance, he truly felt the separation.  
  
He gazed at Dawn's face, and saw that she was almost bursting with a need to get some things off her chest.  
  
"Hey, it's alright," he told her tenderly, watching as more tears ran down her face.  
  
"No it's not, Xand," she told him, this time wiping away some of the tears. "I've been so mean to you."  
  
Xander couldn't help but laugh a little as he responded. "I really don't care. Not any more."  
  
"But, I was such a brat," Dawn continued saying, as if she needed to let out all her guilt.   
  
Xander reached over and picked up her left hand and held it lovingly in both of his. He tenderly caressed he back of it with one if his thumbs, remembering as he did that her skin felt exactly the same. "You could've been a thousand time worse and that hug would've made me forget it all in an instant."  
  
Dawn could feel herself blush at his words. "I'm sorry I haven't been here for you."  
  
Xander shook his head, refusing to except Dawn having any blame. "Our lives have just been a plaything for the 'Powers that Be', Dawnie. I never would've left if I had a choice," Xander told her, knowing that he was talking also about a time, that she knew nothing about.   
  
"What is past is past, okay?" he asked her, giving her hand a final squeeze before letting go.  
  
Dawn nodded in agreement, but it didn't stop her from adding, "I'm sorry that I shouted at you in the Magic Shop."  
  
"Hey, all in the past, remember?" Xander told her.  
  
"Well today isn't really that much of a past," Dawn countered with a slight glint in her eye, showing that in as much as she was sorry, she also liked being able to verbally tease Xander again after so many years.  
  
"Okay, I accept your apology," he replied, grinning as he spoke, before he broke eye-contact for a moment, as he bent down to pick up his coffee cup and take a sip, giving some relief to his mouth which had grown a little dry as the events unfolded.  
  
When he looked back at Dawn, and even though it had only been a few seconds since he'd broken eye-contact with her, he could tell that she'd started to think of less happy memories, and he braced himself with what he feared may be coming.  
  
"Why didn't you want me to go to San Francisco?" she asked.   
  
"What I told you was the truth," Xander replied. "Since you didn't go in the original history, I felt it was safer for you not to go this time. I didn't want to change history."  
  
"But that's what we're trying to do isn't it?" Dawn asked. "This whole thing is about changing history."  
  
"Yes we are," Xander agreed, his voice very serious. "But you were alive in 2010, and that's not something I want to change."  
  
As he was saying the words, he could hear a little voice in the back of his head, shouting at him, screaming that he was about to open a door he really wasn't prepared to walk through. So almost at the same time, he started thinking of an answer to the question he knew was coming.  
  
"So you knew me in the future?" she asked, her face not hiding her intrigue at that possibility.  
  
"Buffy was the only one to die in the battle," he told her. He hadn't meant to, but his voice almost broke as he said those words. It still happened to him. Every now and then, he would experience in full living Memorex the emotions of when he was told about Buffy's death. It still happened to him, though less often, when he remembered both Jesse's and Joyce's deaths. He imagined that it happened to most people who'd lost someone they cared about, but it was a stark reminder of what he had to make sure didn't happen again. "You were safe and very happy," he told her, hoping that she didn't want anymore information.  
  
"Well then, I have something to fight for then," Dawn replied. "Cause I want that future, but I want my sister to be there with me."  
  
Xander could see the determination in her eyes, and even if his first instinct was to argue with her, he knew it was a losing battle. Not that he could blame her for that. In the original history, she had been heavily into her freshman year at U.C.S. and they hadn't had the knowledge of what Xander knew when Buffy and the others had left for San Francisco. He doubted that she would've stayed behind then if they had known exactly what they would be facing.  
  
"I want that too," he told her truthfully.  
  
Dawn smiled in return of his words, seeing the honesty behind them. She could tell that he wanted to protect her, and as much as that made her feel warm inside, it made her even happier, to hear him agree with what she'd said. She stole a glance down at her watch, and suddenly realised just how late it was, and that she had to start her last week of school tomorrow. And if she stayed any longer, that day would be here before she got into her bed.  
  
"I have to go," she told him with regret.  
  
"Okay," Xander replied, not hiding his disappointment at all.  
  
"I have school tomorrow," she told him, not wanting him to feel like she was leaving without good reason.  
  
"Yeah, I know," Xander replied, "it's just that..."  
  
"It's just that it's been so long?" Dawn replied, answering his unasked question.  
  
"Yeah," Xander admitted.  
  
Dawn came forward and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him gently, and enjoying the gentle crush she got in return. "Well, it'll never be so long again, okay?" she asked, as she pulled her head back and looked up at him.  
  
"Never again," Xander replied, almost in a whisper, his eyes having locked with hers. He felt himself falling into those pools, and he did nothing to stop himself. He wanted to fall. He wanted to be lost forever. In front of his eyes, he saw his Dawn smile, and it made his heart melt inside. Almost sub-consciously he leant down the small distance between them, and pressed his lips softly to hers. Every molecule of his that touched hers, sending a little spark to him, as he savoured something he'd thought, lost forever.   
  
But something was wrong.   
  
He had to force opened his eyes, fear gripping him with the thought of what he would be facing. It wasn't his Dawn. She wasn't twenty-four. The shock in her eyes broke the spell that Xander had felt himself fall under. He pulled back suddenly, wanting to be looking anywhere but into her eyes at that moment.   
  
She seemed lost. Her words, struggling to find a voice, as she forced them out. "Xander? What was that?"  
  
"Oh god, I'm sorry," Xander said almost ashamed of his actions.  
  
"I have a boyfriend," Dawn replied, this time her voice carried an almost indignant edge, as if she was trying to sure up her own argument.  
  
"I know." Xander replied, not knowing anything else to say at this point.  
  
Dawn looked like she was about to argue further, but then she just shook her head. It was obvious to him, that she was totally confused by what he'd just done.   
  
"I gotta go," she said, backing away as though she was afraid to touch him again.  
  
This time Xander simply nodded.  
  
Dawn continued to back away till she reached the door. Her hands felt behind her, finding the doorknob and turning it, opening the door slightly. She lifted her head to look at him again and opened her mouth, as though she wanted to say something or maybe ask something. Then quickly, though it seemed to Xander to be in extreme slow motion, she slipped through the doorway and closed the door behind her, breaking visual link she had with him.   
  
Leaning back against the door outside, she reached up with her hand and rubbed her fingers across her lips, trying to make sense of what she was feeling, but couldn't. None of it made sense to her. She quickly walked away, almost running down the stairs and out the front door of Xander's apartment building.   
  
**********  
  
Tara felt a little guilty as she entered the Magic Shop on what was another bright morning in Sunnydale. For a city that had been named after the Sun, she had only recently realised how much brighter it seemed after they had closed the Hellmouth. It was as if the weather took it upon itself to try and be as gloomy as possible in retaliation to the dimensional intrusion the Hellmouth made. Of course being located in California meant that they still got their fair share of sun, but she was certain that it seemed to be a much more pleasant place since they had closed off that particular entrance to their planet.   
  
She knew that her thoughts should've been on the upcoming battle in San Francisco. But try as she might her thoughts that morning were only on what had transpired after she'd left Xander's apartment last night. She had felt a giddy happiness in her stomach all night that had caused Willow to ask on more than one occasion what was up. She didn't want to lie to her girlfriend, and thankfully when she told her that something happened with Xander, she pried no further, knowing that Tara took the trust that Xander had instilled in her seriously.   
  
That trust however did nothing to satisfy her curiosity, and it was running at an all time high. She decided not to go to his apartment that morning. That was pushing it a little too far in her opinion. So instead she made her way to Magic Shop, knowing that eventually Xander and, or, Dawn would turn up and her curiosity would be sufficiently sated then.  
  
When she arrived, she wasn't at all surprised to find that nearly everyone else was there, looking like they hadn't moved since when she left the night before. Giles and Wesley looked like they hadn't slept in two days or more. Each of them looked haggard, their eyes showing the effects of too much caffeine, but still radiating the determination that they still had a job to do.   
  
Cordelia, who was stationed a little way away from the males, was the only one who looked refreshed. Looking closer, Tara realised that unlike the others she had a different set of clothes on then she'd seen her in the night before, perhaps indicating that she'd actually slept a little in the hours since Tara was last in the magic shop.   
  
The one person that she was surprised to see missing was Buffy, herself. However just as she needed it, maybe Buffy simply needed some sleep as well. "Hi," Tara called out to them as walked over. "How's it going."  
  
Giles looked up from his book, almost seeming to be thankful for the distraction. "Oh, good morning Tara. It's going...well."  
  
She could tell by the slight hesitations and almost resigned edge to his voice, that it hadn't been the best night for them all. She'd seen his look the same on other occasions, and it always was the result of sleep depravation and worry. She didn't ask what was wrong, knowing instinctively that they really didn't want to hear that question. So instead she simply asked, "is there anything I can do?"  
  
"Well, and not trying to sound to sexist, but a cup of tea would be wonderful," Giles replied.  
  
"Giles!" Cordelia said, abruptly putting her book down.  
  
"What?"  
  
There was something in Giles's reply that re-enforced Tara's worry that the group around the table were running short of reserves.  
  
"You said you'd get some sleep," Cordelia replied, trying not to sound too much like their mother.  
  
"Well, yes thank you for that Cordelia, but I'm trying to save Buffy's life," Giles snapped back.   
  
"Hey!" Wesley's shouting butted into the conversation, causing all heads to turn to him. For a moment it all seemed as though everyone was focussed on the younger of the Englishmen, before they all looked away, taking stock of the situation before saying anything else.  
  
After a moment, Giles looked over towards Cordelia, his face showing his contrition. "I'm sorry, it's just..." he said.  
  
Cordelia nodded, not needing Giles to finish what he was saying. "I know, but you need to go and sleep. We're getting nowhere at the moment. You too Wesley?"  
  
"When did I last sleep?" Wesley asked himself, as though he was trying to remember.   
  
"Maybe sometime Saturday," Giles replied, knowing that it was the same for him as well.   
  
"Then it's time you both slept for at least a while," Cordelia added. "We'll keep looking, but you can't be focussing straight as it is now."  
  
For a moment, Tara was sure that Giles was going to argue again, but when a huge yawn overtook him, it seemed to be the final bit of evidence he needed that his former student was correct. "You'll get us, if there is anything?" he asked, impressing the word, 'anything' to her.  
  
"Of course," she replied.  
  
"And you'll speak to Xander?"  
  
"Yes," Cordelia replied, but not before a passing glance at Tara.  
  
Giles simply nodded in return. Now that he had accepted the advice, it almost seemed as though his body had started to shut down. Luckily Wesley looked a little more awake, and he got out his car keys, showing that he'd be driving, alleviating one of Cordelia's fears.   
  
Giving both Cordelia and Tara a small nod, he opened the back door for Giles and then closed it behind them, after they'd walked through.   
  
After she'd watched them leave, Tara turned back around to see Cordelia had her nose buried in a book. "Well that cleared the room," Tara said as way of an icebreaker.  
  
There was something about the grin that Cordelia responded with that made Tara wonder if Cordelia herself wasn't running on untapped reserves. Not in energy, but in spirit. "Not to mention the atmosphere. You'd think that Giles would have put in a shower here at the shop, wouldn't you?"  
  
"It would've made things easier at times," Tara answered with a slight giggle, hoping that a little bit of humour might lighten the mood. "Any word from the others?"  
  
Cordelia shook her head. "Buffy headed home just before I did last night, so baring any major problems won't be to far away. Angel, Fred and Gunn didn't leave till a few hours ago, just before daylight, so they'll probably be away till lunch or so. What about Willow?"  
  
Tara shook her head. "It's her last day of exams today. She'll be along later this afternoon."  
  
"And Xander?"  
  
Tara was sure there was a little query inside Cordelia's question, but didn't know what it meant. There just something about the way she asked, that worried her.  
  
"At his place I suppose," Tara answered.   
  
"Oh," Cordelia responded.  
  
Now she was sure. "What?"  
  
Cordelia looked like she was about to say something, before turning her head away and replying, "it's nothing."  
  
"Cordy!" Tara responded, wondering what was happening.  
  
Cordelia looked up abruptly at Tara's tone. Tara could tell that she seemed to be conflicted, but whatever it was, Tara didn't want to let it drop.  
  
"What's the matter?" she asked.  
  
"It's Xander," Cordelia replied.  
  
"What about Xander?"  
  
"We don't know if we can trust him," Cordelia answered. When she saw the look that crossed Tara's face she added, "No that came out wrong. It's not that I don't want too, Tara, but we all know he's keeping things from us." She looked closely at Tara, as if she was trying to gauge her reaction to what she's just said in the face of the blonde witch. "Except that he hasn't kept anything from you, has he?"  
  
There was a level of confrontation in Cordelia's voice that worried and confused Tara. Did it come from lack of sleep? Worry about what was to come? Even slight jealously from her not being the one he confided in? She didn't know. "Cordelia I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I can assure you that he's told you everything that is relevant to what we're going to be facing."  
  
"And we have to trust you on that?" Cordelia responded immediately.  
  
"You have to trust me," Tara replied, repeating the words, as if hearing them again would make them seem real. "Oh my god! Where has this come from?" Tara replied, almost shouting in disbelief at what was being suggested.  
  
She could tell that Cordelia realised she may have gone to far, and was at least happy to see the wind go out of her sails a little bit. "I'm sorry, Tara. It's just that some of the books Xander told us about turned out to be dead ends. Then there was the weird accusation that Dawn made."  
  
Tara sighed, wondering how the others felt as well. Was Xander going to be walking into an interrogation when he arrived here later today? Giles had seem to point to them wanting to talk to him, with his question to Cordelia before he left. "I don't know what else to tell you, except that you have to trust us."  
  
Cordelia shrugged "I do, it's just that..."  
  
Her answer was cut off as the front door to the shop opened and Buffy walked in. She looked around, surprised that there were only two other occupants in the shop. "Hey, where's everyone?" she asked.  
  
"Sleeping," Cordelia replied. "How are you?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I got a bit of sleep, but then had to deal with a classic case of Dawn mood this morning."  
  
At hearing this Tara felt worried. "What was up?" she asked trying not to sound too concerned.  
  
"I don't know. She was just really quiet this morning. Maybe she was still feeling bad about the scene here yesterday."  
  
Tara nodded, "Maybe." Not showing any of the internal war that she was battling inside.   
  
"Speaking of that, any idea when Xander's coming in today?" Buffy asked.  
  
Tara shook her head, worried. Did Buffy want to have a talk with Xander as well. "He didn't say last night, when I left."  
  
"Oh," Buffy replied, in a way that did nothing to lessen Tara's worry about what had happened at the magic shop in their absence last night. Had the others all started expounding on conspiracy theories that Xander and her were involved in? Did their trust in her and Xander only extend to the good times? These were questions that she didn't want to face, as it would mean facing the fact that people she loved and trusted didn't have the same feelings for her. Or Xander. And considering what Xander had given up, even if it wasn't his choice, such a revelation might just push him away from them all forever.  
  
She thought that maybe she should just leave it all alone, but inside she was screaming in Xander's defense, and she just had to let some of that out. "I don't know what you all did last night after we left, but..." she paused, letting some of her anger subside. She wanted to make the point, but having it lost in the heat of her words would help no one. "Without trust Buffy, what's it all for," she said, exasperated, before turning away and walking out of the store. She couldn't be there right now. No matter how much they needed to research what was coming, she felt hurt at the unspoken allegation that must have been buzzing around the magic shop last night.   
  
She wondered if they'd actually thought through what they were suggesting because if they did, than they were saying that Xander and her were willing to sacrifice Buffy's safety for their own concerns.   
  
It was a horrible idea that made her stomach sick at the thought of it.  
  
**************  
  
Considering it was the last week of school, it wasn't hard for Stacey to tell something was preying on her best friend's mind. Their exams were over with, and apart from getting some results, the rest of their high school lives were mainly just formality. Yet if you were to gauge what was to come from the look on Dawn Summers face, then you'd be forgiven if you thought they'd all been told they had to take the SAT's again.  
  
"What's up?" she said, as she sat down opposite Dawn in the quad, breaking the brunette's line of thought.  
  
She seemed to be weighing something in her mind, and then as is she decided on what exactly, she asked, "Do you think it's possible Xander has a crush on me?"  
  
"Oh definitely," Stacey replied, wondering when exactly the penny dropped.  
  
Dawn however couldn't have seemed more surprised at her answer. "Really?"  
  
"Oh yeah. As soon as I saw him checking you out in your formal dress I knew that."  
  
Dawn remembered that Stacey had told her this at the prom, but apart from a little part of her smiling at the thought, she'd dismissed it as nonsense. "It doesn't make any sense."  
  
"What's the problem?" Stacey asked.  
  
"Apart from it is sort of freaking me out?"  
  
"Yeah, apart from that," Stacey replied laughing. "And why is it freaking you out?"  
  
Dawn searched for an answer before shrugging. "The way he looked at me when he kissed me..."  
  
"He kissed you!" Stacey yelped, alerting pretty much everyone else to their conversation.  
  
"Sshhh!" Dawn replied. "Yeah, he did."  
  
"So what was it like," Stacey responded suddenly feeling the need for details.  
  
"Ummm, well, I didn't do anything," "I didn't do anything" Dawn replied quietly.   
  
Stacey looked at Dawn as if she'd just grown a second head. "The guy you've been crushing on since you worked out that guys were different from girls, finally kisses you, and you do nothing?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I think I'm going to cry," Stacey replied.  
  
"I've got a boyfriend, remember?" Dawn stated in her own defense.  
  
Stacey nodded. As much as she didn't think Adam was the catch of the century, she knew that Dawn was genuinely fond of him. "So what now?"  
  
"Well apart from graduating this week, and then heading to San Francisco next week?" Dawn asked wondering if there would be someway to put a stopper on her life so she could catch her breath.  
  
"So you're definitely going then?" Stacey asked. When Dawn had mentioned it to her the night before, she hadn't been totally decided.  
  
"Yeah, I am."  
  
"So is Xander going to San Francisco as well?"  
  
Dawn nodded. "And that's not going to be weird at all is it?" she replied wryly.  
  
"Does Adam know this?"  
  
Dawn shook her head. "He doesn't even know I'm going there yet, let alone that Xander will be there as well."  
  
"Well that should be an interesting conversation," Stacey replied.   
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
***************  
  
It hadn't taken Tara all that long to make her way to Xander's apartment. Her emotions had been riding a rollercoaster all the way over there. She'd gone through every stage of anger, sadness, guilt and indignation and by the time she knocked on Xander's door, she was sure her voice would convey parts of all of them to Xander.   
  
Which was exactly what she didn't want to happen. She was worried that something had happened last night, and if that was the case, the last thing she wanted to do was add to whatever emotional turmoil he was going through.   
  
Knocking on the door, she was more than surprised when it swung open. Her own hurt washed away in that moment. Her mind now totally concerned with what she might find inside.   
  
Letting the door swing open, she took a tentative step inside, breathing a sigh of relief when her eyes found nothing out of the ordinary in the living room.  
  
"Xander!" she called out.  
  
Getting no response after a couple of seconds she was about to call out again, when her voice stopped in her throat. Just then Xander popped his head around the corner from the hallway, signaling to her that he heard her and he'd be out in a minute. Tara couldn't be sure, but from the worn out look she saw on Xander's face, she was certain he'd had little if any sleep.  
  
It didn't take much of a jump in logic to determine that what ever had occurred the night before with Dawn, had not gone how he'd hoped. Knowing Xander as she did now, she knew he'd be getting himself ready. Hearing the sound of the water splashing in the shower, she knew that he was taking the first step. The second she knew would be his coffee. If nothing else it gave her something to do.   
  
Ten minutes later when Xander emerged from his bedroom, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee had filled the air in the kitchen and living room. Giving her a smile, Xander made his way over to where Tara was sitting, a fresh cup sitting there steaming away, just for him.   
  
He reached down and picked it up, bringing it to his nose, breathing in the aroma, before taking his first sip, letting the taste settle on his tongue before swallowing.   
  
"I don't know how you do it, but you can make great coffee even with the machine from hell," he joked to her.  
  
He figured that he'd get a little laugh from her and they'd move on to other things, but when the only reaction he got was a small smile, he knew something was wrong.  
  
"Hey, what's up?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, it's nothing really," Tara replied, not wanting to go down that road. "How are you?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "I suppose you heard?"  
  
Tara shook her head. "Heard what?"  
  
That was something Xander hadn't expected. He thought that by now his impulsive action would be known by all. It had been one of the main reasons he'd stayed at home later than he originally intended to do. "Dawn didn't tell anyone what happened last night?"  
  
"None of us have spoken to her. Buffy said she was really quiet, and then she left for school." Tara looked closely at her friends eyes, trying to work out what exactly was he looking so shamed about. "What happened, Xander?" she asked softly.  
  
"I kissed her," he blurted out.  
  
"How?" Tara asked.  
  
"It was going so well. We had talked, hugged, forgiven each other, and then she had to leave and as she looked up at me, I only saw Dawn," he told her. "Well, you know the Dawn that I left, and I leant down and kissed her."  
  
"And what did she do?"  
  
"She couldn't get out of there fast enough," Xander responded.  
  
Tara laid a supporting hand on his shoulder. "I'm not surprised."  
  
"Oh, I'm not either, I just wish I wasn't such an idiot."  
  
"Well, it certainly will have her asking questions," Tara added. "Which may not be the best timing."  
  
"Why?" Xander asked.  
  
"It's nothing," she told him.  
  
"Okay," he replied. It wasn't that he totally accepted her reply, simply that he didn't want to push it. "So are we off to the Magic Shop?"  
  
"Umm, yeah," Tara replied, wondering if it was the best idea.  
  
This time Xander was sure she was hiding something. "What is it?" he asked gently.  
  
"It's nothing," she told him again.  
  
But Xander didn't take any notice. "Did something happen at the Magic Shop?"  
  
She was about to argue again, but found herself without the energy to. As much as she didn't want Xander to worry any more than what he already was, she just couldn't keep up the pretense any longer.  
  
"I had a little run in with Buffy and Cordelia, that's all," she told him.  
  
"What happened?" Xander pushed gently.  
  
"They're all so worried about what's coming up, that they're clutching at straws. Unfortunately the latest straw is that you're hiding something from them," she told him.   
  
Xander frowned, wondering what had happened in the twelve hours or so since he'd seen them last. "What did they say?"  
  
"Some of the books that you told them about turned out to have nothing to do with what's happening," Tara replied.  
  
"Well that's no real surprise, considering Angel had manipulated some of them to show things that weren't true," Xander considered. "Though I suppose since they don't know that it isn't sticking well with them," he added with a sigh.  
  
"No. And then there's Dawn's accusation yesterday," Tara continued.  
  
"Shit." Xander replied, holding his head, knowing how it would look to someone who didn't know what was happening. "Well, it's not the best, but it is how it is," he told her firmly. He could tell however that she was still holding something back. "There's more isn't there?"  
  
Tara nodded. "Apparently I'm not trustworthy as well, because I won't tell them all that you've told me," Tara answered him. Now that she'd told Xander what had occurred, she felt even more keenly, the hurt Cordelia's words had caused her.   
  
"What?" Xander responded with surprise. "Who said that crap?"  
  
"Cordelia," Tara replied. She didn't want to sound like she was running to Xander and telling on them. But now that she'd confessed to what happened, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She needed to get it out, and now hopefully her and Xander could talk about it before they went to see them all later.   
  
It only took a quick glance in Xander's direction to realise that she would have a lot calming to do before they ventured anywhere near downtown, let alone the Magic Shop.   
  
"I think it's time I set a few things straight with them," he told her, seething inside that they could question Tara's loyalty. He made to get up, but Tara grasped his arm, imploring him to stay.   
  
"Xander, they're all at the end of their strings. I think they could snap," Tara told him. "Giles and Wesley looked like the walking dead this morning."  
  
Xander shook his head. "You shouldn't try and defend them."  
  
"I just needed to vent a little, but I'm okay now," she told him. It was mostly truthful and any residual hurt she felt, she knew would fade in a short time.  
  
"It still doesn't give them a reason to say what they did."  
  
Smiling at Xander's reaction, she got up and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm a big girl, Xander," she told him. "But thanks."  
  
Letting go, and glad to see that Xander no longer looked like he was steaming, she took the time to look him over closer. It didn't surprise her to see the same signs of exhaustion Giles and Wesley had shown earlier, etched on Xander's face as well. "Did you get any sleep last night?" she asked concerned.  
  
He shook his head. "I don't know. I may have dropped off for a few minutes."  
  
"Then, we're not going to rush in there without you resting for a bit first," she told him. "You go back and lie down, and I'm going to go out and get some lunch."  
  
He appreciated the suggestion, but his mind was still swirling with the thought of what they'd said. "They shouldn't have said that to you."  
  
"We'll worry about it later," she told him calmly. "Now get to bed, I'll wake you in a few hours."   
  
*****************  
  
As she walked out of her last class before lunch, Dawn wasn't totally surprised to find Adam waiting for her in the hallway. She hadn't been totally avoiding him, but after talking to Stacey this morning, she knew that she couldn't put off telling him about her upcoming trip any longer.   
  
"Hey," he said as she approached.  
  
"Hi," she responded, trying to hide from her boyfriend, all the thoughts that where running around in her head. She already had enough things to talk to him about.  
  
They walked in mostly silence, only broken by the occasional throwaway comment about school, till they found a double seat for themselves, and they sat down. It became apparent to Adam once they had that his girlfriend had something on her mind.  
  
"What's up?" he asked, dreading that it had something to do with where he dropped her off at last night.  
  
"Umm, I'm going to San Francisco," she told him.  
  
"Okay," Adam replied, not expecting that as a response. "When is this?"  
  
"On Saturday."  
  
"This Saturday!" Adam choked out, not believing that she was leaving straight after graduation. "I don't understand."  
  
"It's something I have to do," she told him, trying to impress on her boyfriend just how important it was, without actually going into details.  
  
"What is?" he pushed.  
  
"It's family stuff," she answered wondering not for the first time if it would've have just been easier a year ago to just tell Adam all about Buffy's night activities. But that was a decision she'd made then, and as it had kept her friends alive, she didn't really doubt that it had been the correct decision.  
  
"Is Xander going?" he asked a little hesitantly.  
  
Knowing that her answer would hurt him, but not wanting to lie, she simply replied, "yes."  
  
She watched as he shook his head in disbelief and stood up, ready to walk away. "Adam!" she called, reaching out to grab his hand and stop him from just leaving. "Please, listen to me."  
  
"Can I come with you?" he asked as he turned to face his girlfriend.  
  
There was no answer to that question Dawn could give that would have satisfied him, and she knew that. "Umm..." she started to say, but then realised she had nothing else.   
  
"I don't want to hear any excuses, Dawn." She could hear his voice becoming thick, as he almost pleaded with her. "We've got five days till we graduate, maybe you could get back to me by then."  
  
And then he let go of her hand, and walked away, not looking back to who he'd left sitting there.  
  
***************  
  
Xander felt a little weird when he and Tara approached the Magic Store. He pulled the car up in one of the free parking space and got out, waiting till Tara was out as well, before locking it. He glanced over at his friend and could see that she too was feeling a little anxious about walking into what they both would've considered less than twelve hours ago a friendly place.  
  
Having spent the morning and early afternoon talking about it, Xander realised that all of them in the Magic shop were tired, frustrated and maybe even a little bit scared. But those reasons aside, it still hurt him to be doubted by his friends. And it still upset him that they could accuse Tara of the same. To Xander she was pretty much above reproach in such matters.   
  
Taking a last side way glance at his companion, Xander was reassured when Tara gave him a smile of encouragement. He nodded back knowing that there was no further putting it off.  
  
It was very disconcerting to them to have the entire group of friends turn as one, as they entered the Magic Shop. It was all very apparent to them both, that the rest of the group had been waiting for their return. The only comfort to Xander was that Dawn wasn't among them. If he was going to have to have this conversation, he would rather have it in a one-on-one situation with her.  
  
"Ahh, Xander, Tara, there you both are," Giles said welcoming them. Xander couldn't decide if he was trying to be friendly or if he just wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his annoyance at them only arriving at this time.   
  
"Giles," Xander replied, cautiously, not wanting to look at any of the others at this stage.   
  
"Yes, well, as I was saying," Giles replied, turning back to face the others, as though he'd expected Xander to reply in some other way, and was thrown by the neutral response he'd received. "What we've established is that the staff can open a gateway into time and different dimensions. It was what allowed Krostoff to travel. What we need to do, is open up one of those gateways, just before the Hellmouth's gateway opens up, underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, and then shatter the staff. Which we hope will in affect, plug the hole, not allowing any travel either way between the dimensions."  
  
Giles paused, letting everyone take in this information. They'd all been discussing various theories for hours on end, but this was the first time someone had actually come out and stated what they were trying to achieve.   
  
"The theory being that the gateways will become dimensionally unpassable," Wesley added. "Unfortunately, for obvious reasons it is only a theory, even if it is backed up with some research."  
  
"And this will stop the Hellmouth from simply appearing somewhere else?" Buffy asked.  
  
Giles took off his glassed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose, taking a breath and shrugging his shoulders. "To be perfectly honest, it's a shot in the dark. We don't know enough to be sure, and with less than two weeks till the deadline, we have very little time to find out. But at the moment, it is our best idea."  
  
"It's not with out precedent," Angel added. "Dimensional portals can be closed by a dimensional explosion, which is what we are trying to do, but the size of what we are trying to achieve is what makes this one different than the others."  
  
"We're still trying to find the right spells and charms that we can use, and we also have to be prepared for various demons guarding the spot. Much like Sunnydale used to be, the area will already be sucking in all the demonic activity," Giles continued.   
  
"No matter what happens, Angel is the only one who can be holding and operating the staff when this happens. The books are pretty clear on the fact that it will probably kill a human," Wesley said.  
  
"Umm, not necessarily," Xander butted it, causing an almost immediate uniform turning of everyone's heads.   
  
"What do you mean, Xander?" Giles asked.  
  
"It's just that from what I was told in the future, I could operate the staff, and maybe Buffy as well," Xander replied, not liking the looks he was receiving.  
  
"And what makes you think that?" Wesley asked.  
  
Wesley may not have meant his question to come out as patronising as it did, but it was a like a red rag to Xander's bull, and with his mood boiling over as it was, it didn't take much for him to take the bait.   
  
"Well the fact that I traveled back and forth in time and survived for one," Xander bit back, not caring if he sounded less then friendly.  
  
"And you're only telling us this now, because?" Giles asked, leaving Xander in no doubt that he was voicing, in his round about way, the question of trust they all seemed to be wondering.   
  
"Because it only just came up,' he replied, trying to keep his voice calm, but failing to stop some snippiness from creeping in. "You'd only just told us your theory, remember?" He could feel Tara gently pulling on his shirt, trying to get him to calm down, but he no longer cared to temper his emotions.  
  
"Is there anything else, you've just remembered, Xander?" Angel asked.  
  
For some reason Angel's question only made Xander laugh. It was an almost babbling laugh that made even Tara wonder if Xander was losing his grip. Her fear that he was losing his anchorage to this time, growing inside of her.   
  
In between the laughter Xander stared straight at the vampire, leaving Angel in no doubt that he could have put a stake through his heart at that moment. "Just shut up," he spat out at him.   
  
"Xander!" Buffy shouted, quickly followed by the others.   
  
However Xander took no notice of any of them, instead he took a few steps forward, leveling his gaze at only Angel as he spoke. "You do not have any right to ask me anything, you son of a bitch."  
  
Then as some of the others started to shout at him again, he turned his gaze to where the others were, making sure they all met his eyes. He could see the worry in Tara's and for a moment, he almost backed down. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her any worry, but as far as he was concerned this crap stopped here and now.  
  
"This is all about trust, isn't it?" he asked them all.   
  
"Xander, it's not that we don't trust you..." Wesley started to say, before Xander cut him off.  
  
"You either do or you don't." He did little to hide his sadness as he looked upon his friends. Maintaining his stare at Buffy and Cordelia, he shook his head sadly. "I thought that..." he started to say, but found that he couldn't find the words he was searching for, when facing them.   
  
"Xander," Buffy said getting up to approach him. She seemed to be genuinely concerned for him, and Tara wished that Xander could see that, but she knew Xander was past that, and he was going to say what he wanted to say, no matter what any of them did.  
  
Taking a step back, Xander seemed to regain his composure. "No!" he stated, addressing Buffy, stopping her where she stood. "You," he started, looking at Cordelia as he spoke, "accused not only I, but Tara of being untrustworthy this morning. I'm going to say this once, and that should be enough. You have no right, any of you to accuse Tara of being untrustworthy. Where the hell to you get off?"  
  
"Now look here!" Giles started to say, before Xander shouted him down.  
  
"No! I'm going to say this, and then you can decide if you want to actually be my friend. I know that things have been weird for everyone. But I've got to tell you that if you're feeling weird, take a guess at what I'm going through. I know that some of you think that I've been hiding stuff from you, and even though Tara has said that it has nothing to do with what we face in San Francisco, you are still pushing. So I am going to make this very clear to all of you. If there is something that I want to keep private then it is none of your goddamn business."  
  
He only then took a step towards Buffy. "The thought that I would do anything to jeopardise saving your life Buffy," he said, dropping his voice a little lower as he addressed her. "I lived for almost a year knowing about your death, and feeling the guilt at not being there to stop it. I was still having nightmares up until the week I left. If you think that I would somehow not wish for us to save you..." his voice faded out, the pain of those times still seeming to be as fresh today as they were then.  
  
"Xander," Buffy tried again, but as the last time, he would not be swayed.  
  
Xander looked up at all of them, even Angel, trying to see any hint of friendship in their eyes. He was gratified that Fred and Gunn at least weren't saying anything. In fact they looked like they wished they were anywhere but where they were.   
  
"I know that you must be tired, frustrated, even scared, but I would ask you to consider this. If we are successful, then Buffy will live." He gave Buffy a smile as he said this hoping that she understood that it meant something to him.  
  
"If we are successful, then the world will be a much safer place." He let that settle on them for a second before continuing.   
  
"If we are successful, then Angel will become human," he stated, looking straight at the vampire, almost doing a double take when he thought he saw some compassion in the eyes looking back at him.  
  
"But, even if we are successful, and all those wonderful things occur, I will still have lost the most important thing to ever happen to me."  
  
He shook his head at them all. "And you accuse me of being untrustworthy..."  
  
He looked down to the floor for a second before facing them all again. "I have to make sure we succeed, because otherwise it was all for nothing. And I don't think I could live with that."  
  
Not wanting to be in the room with the rest of them, at that moment, he simply turned around and walked away, at that particular moment, not caring where he went.  
  
End Part Nineteen 


	20. Twenty

Part 20  
  
  
Tara watched sadly as Xander left the shop. The sound of the door swinging back into position and the ringing of the doorbell providing an almost fitting soundtrack to his exit. But as much as she understood his need to leave, it didn't solve anything, and judging by the looks on the rest of the assembled throng, it only further cemented their idea that he was unreliable. Since they were all supposed to be working together to combat the coming threat, Xander's outburst and well appreciated words of support for her, had ultimately not helped.   
  
The silence that had fallen over the shop showed no signs of abating. Looking at the rest of them, she could see that they were all in thought, not knowing what to say or how to respond. Then after a few moments, Giles, Wesley and Angel went back to their research, their actions indicating that if they ignored it, they could forget about it for now.  
  
She thought that they all seemed to be adopting that philosophy till her gaze turned towards Buffy, and instead of the look of resignation she'd seen on the others, she saw that the blonde slayer was instead looking to where Xander had left. And by the look of concentration on her face, she seemed to be pondering on the words that he's said. After a few moments, Tara felt a little uncomfortable and thinking that she should leave Buffy to whatever thoughts she had, she went to look elsewhere, when Buffy opened her mouth in shock, looking straight at Tara.  
  
"Oh my god!" Buffy almost gasped in shock at the conclusion she'd come to. Her gaze was firmly fixed now on Tara, almost daring the blonde witch to deny what she'd just worked out. Or was that wishing and hoping. Whatever it was, she was not going to be satisfied, when instead she saw only a slight look of fear in Tara's eyes confirming, it seemed, Buffy's thoughts.   
  
"I'm going to find him," Buffy announced to everyone.  
  
"You sure you want to do that?" Giles asked. "He seemed rather worked up."  
  
"I'm a big girl remember, Giles. Slayer strength and all that."  
  
"Yes, quite. But I don't think Xander's going to throw a punch at you," Giles countered.  
  
"He's also not going to hurt her either," Tara butted in, not liking the unspoken implication in Giles's words.   
  
Not responding to Tara's objection, Giles simply starred at her for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to Buffy. "What I mean is that he seems pretty unstable, and he might say something."  
  
"Oh, I've heard enough of this," Tara objected again, throwing her hands up, and swiveling around to walk out, only to be stopped by Buffy. She could see something like contrition in the slayer's eyes, and for a second she paused, letting Buffy talk to her.  
  
"Please, let me talk to him," Buffy asked her, feeling a little strange that she felt like she had to ask permission.   
  
It took a great deal of will for Tara to back down. Her defenses had been at the high water mark following the earlier confrontation, but something in Buffy's voice brought them down a little. Beyond her frustration and almost disbelief at some of the groups' reaction to Xander's words, there was something underneath Buffy's tone that assured her she only wanted to talk to him.  
  
"Just listen to him," Tara told her gently, but firmly enough so Buffy knew how important it was.  
  
Buffy nodded in return, then turning her head, she signaled to Giles that she was going. "I'll be back later."  
  
"Okay," Giles replied.  
  
Once Buffy had left the shop, Tara no longer felt like being there herself, and was about to go as well, when she felt the gentle touch of a hand on her shoulder.   
  
"What!" Tara snapped, a little harder than she'd meant to. "I'm sorry," she added, seeing the shock in Giles's face.  
  
"You have to understand that we just want to make sure we know everything that could help Buffy. And us all," he replied. She could've been mistaken, but she thought for a moment that Giles had put extra emphasis on the last part of his explanation, in case Buffy wasn't a good enough reason.   
  
"And the fact we've told you that you know everything Xander knows that is relevant means nothing?" Tara replied.  
  
"Well some of Xander's information hasn't been one hundred percent accurate. Maybe his memory is a little mixed up," Giles replied delicately.  
  
"What if I told you that he's told you everything you need to know?" Tara asked, hating that the bridge of friendship that was between them seemed to be falling down as she spoke.  
  
"How do we know he's told you everything?" Giles answered.  
  
Tara shook her head sadly. "It's called trust Giles." She took a few steps back from him. She knew that this wasn't the same Giles that she'd come to love as part of her family. This Giles was one under a level of stress that she'd not wish on anyone. But no matter how much she could excuse his words, it still hurt.   
  
"It's called trust," she softly said again, sitting down in one of the chairs. She didn't know whether she'd stay long, but if Buffy was going to talk to Xander, she may as well stay and do a little to help. However, she made sure to sit a little away from the others. Eventually she'd feel different, but till then, the gap between them gave her, and them some breathing space.   
  
*********************  
  
Buffy couldn't help but wryly grin as she saw his figure sitting still in front of her. Even now, all these years later, she knew he'd be here. And for the first time, she felt as though she actually had an idea as to why. She stepped quietly up to him. She felt as though she was intruding almost on something that was special to him, but there was a need inside of her that overrode any hesitation that she should leave him alone.   
  
"Xand," she said quietly when she was just a few feet away from him.  
  
Hearing her voice, Xander looked up, a little surprised to see her there, especially after the confrontation he'd just had with her and the others. He immediately thought that she'd come to berate him, or at the least interrogate him further. But seeing compassion in her eyes, he felt a little low for thinking so little of his friend.   
  
"Hey Buff," he replied, as she took a seat next to him.  
  
Buffy settled herself down and looked across at the clearing. In a very real way, this had been the place that was the starting point for all of the questions they had. She'd never imagined that four years on, it would still hold so many unanswered ones.  
  
But now she felt a little stuck, not knowing where to start this conversation. She couldn't ignore it. It was there in front of her now and if she wanted to have a continuing relationship with him it had to be addressed now.   
  
"I think I understand," she quietly told him.  
  
Xander's head snapped around, not expecting this. "Understand what?"  
  
Buffy couldn't stop herself smiling, though it was one tinged with sadness. "Why this place draws you here. What you lost."  
  
His gazed stayed locked on her for a few seconds, before he turned away and looked out over the clearing again. "Yeah." Was all he said.  
  
"Does she know?" Buffy asked, wondering if that would answer another of her questions.   
  
Xander shook his head. "No," he replied, before looking up at Buffy. "How did you figure it out?"  
  
She shrugged. "It just fell into place. I also remembered the one thing you said when you returned to us, in this place."  
  
Xander nodded. "Dawn."  
  
"Yeah. And the way she seemed to affect your moods and some of the things you said. And of course the way you looked at her yesterday..." Buffy's voice trailed off. She wasn't trying to accuse him of anything, and listing anything more was superfluous.   
  
The silence surrounded them again. Buffy not knowing what to say, even though her mind was still screaming with questions, and Xander stuck in thought of what Buffy's next question would be.  
  
In the end, he broke the silence himself. "So you aren't wigging out about this news?"  
  
"I haven't got there yet, I don't think," Buffy replied laughing a little.   
  
"She thought you'd freak," Xander responded.  
  
"She did?" Buffy asked, feeling a little strange hearing something her sister would say in a future that didn't exist.   
  
Smiling as he remembered the conversation, Xander answered. "We were discussing how you'd react to me asking her out."  
  
"And have you?" Buffy asked, not really sure how she felt about it.  
  
Xander shook his head.  
  
"Was it serious?" Buffy then asked him, after another patch of silence.  
  
She didn't need to hear his response. As soon as he turned his head to face her it was obvious by the look on his face how serious it was.   
  
"It was as serious as you could get," he told her.   
  
"And yet you came back to try and change it all?" she replied, thinking it more of a rhetorical question. Seeing the looking of guilt that flashed across Xander's face, she knew however that it was far from that simple. He looked away from her, and she could've sworn it was because he couldn't face her.  
  
"What is it?" she asked gently.  
  
"I can't," he replied, still not looking at her.  
  
Buffy couldn't shake the feeling that she was hitting on something serious, and part of her, worried that it was something she didn't want to know. It was however, too late to stop. "Please, Xander?" she almost pleaded with him for the truth.  
  
Xander really wanted Buffy and the others to trust him, but he knew if he didn't answer her question, he would have no chance of that. Steeling himself he replied, "It wasn't out choice to come back, Buffy."  
  
  
There was a feeling of shame that Buffy picked up in his words that puzzled her. "What do you mean?"  
  
This time Xander turned his whole body to face her, knowing that he had to live by this truth. "We were tricked. We thought that I had to return or die. But the truth was I didn't, and if it wasn't for the deception, I wouldn't have come back."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't understand."  
  
Xander felt pain as he replied, her eyes were boring into his being, with unanswered questions, questioning his choice. "The world was a safer place. We were very happy, and there was no guarantee I'd be able to get back. Also we were told that I'd remember nothing anyway."  
  
"I see," Buffy replied as she averted her eyes from his.   
  
"It wasn't an easy decision, Buffy," Xander told her, his heart breaking as he felt like he'd betrayed her all over again.  
  
"So what happened?" Buffy asked.  
  
"We were lied to, and so I agreed to go back," Xander responded, not wanting to go further into it. As much as he felt the betrayal of Angel every time he looked at the vampire, it didn't change the fact that Xander still felt overwhelming guilt in his own actions, and deflecting any of the blame didn't sit well with him at that moment.  
  
After a few moments silence, he softly asked her, "Are you okay?"  
  
Buffy wanted to say yes. A part of her knew that the guilt was eating her friend up inside. But there was another part of her that felt empty. It wasn't hurt or betrayal or anything of the like. But to know that one of her best friends had to be tricked to try and save her life, left a hole in her heart. And it was making her feel sick.  
  
She shook her head. "I need to go," she replied getting up.  
  
"Buffy," Xander said, as he tried to grab her arm, which Buffy stepped back from.  
  
"I need to go," she told him, hoping that he realised that she didn't hate him, but she needed to deal with it all by herself.   
  
He nodded and then turned away, trying to ignore the sound of the leaves cracking under her feet as she ran out of the woods, leaving the clearing to Xander's worries.  
  
***********  
  
For most of the last hour, the magic shop had been filled only with silence. The occasional turning of a large book and the gentle thud it made as it hit the table being the only accompaniment to the sound of the occupants breathing.   
  
The confrontation had left a heavy hangover, that none of them seemed ready to come out of just yet. Giles seemed to be affected by it the most. Even though he seemed to be perusing over some of the books in front of him, his mind was still wrestling with the question of Xander's actions and how much he could trust them. In a very real way he considered them all his responsibility, his family. Buffy may be his daughter, but the others were no less than nieces or nephews. And on other days, they could've been his children as well. And no matter what his apprehensions with Xander's forthcoming, or lack thereof, it did effect him to have his loyalty questioned as they both had done.  
  
It didn't help his deliberations that Tara had stationed herself just a little bit away from the others, but still close enough for Giles to feel like he had the spotlight deliberately and permanently on him.   
  
He turned to look at her, and was surprised to find that she wasn't looking at him. He could've sworn by the hole he felt being bored into the back of his skull that her eyes had been continuously on him.  
  
Still he felt he should try and explain, now that some time had cooled the earlier passions.  
  
"Tara," he said, getting up and walking slowly over to where she was sitting. When she saw her raise her head to face him, he knelt down at her side, trying to speak to her on a level height. "It's not that I want to distrust, Xander," he started to say, before realising it was the wrong way to begin.  
  
Tara turned her head away, annoyed that Giles couldn't get past his worries. "Why can't you?" she asked him softly.  
  
"There is so much that could go wrong, I want to make sure we have everything covered. Now some of what Xander has told us, has been very useful, but other bits of information have proved less reliable. It's those sort of discrepancies that I want to sort out."  
  
"And you won't simply trust that he and I are have told you everything that we know." Tara responded, asking the one question that has been plaguing her.  
  
"But we know that you are both hiding things from us," Giles answered knowing that no matter how gently he did, that was one tightrope he couldn't find the right balance on.  
  
The frustration rising as she tempered her answer, Tara knew she bit back harder that she wanted to. "It's not called keeping things, when it's none of your business, Giles."   
  
Seeing that Giles didn't immediately respond, she cooled her spirit, and added, with much regret, "But then you'd have to trust us."   
  
They were both surprised when someone else responded.   
  
"I do."   
  
Giles and Tara both turned as one, as Buffy's voice floated across their space, breaking the tension somewhat.   
  
"Buffy?" Giles asked, seeing that the rest of the shop's occupants had also heard her arrival.   
  
"I trust him, Giles. And Tara. Let's leave it, and move on."   
  
Tara's rejoice at hearing Buffy say those words was lessened when she saw the look on her friend's face. She seemed very troubled. "Are you okay, Buffy?" she asked.   
  
Buffy shook her head, not in response, but more to clear her head. "I'm fine, but we've got plenty to do."   
  
"Where's Xander?" Tara asked, more worried by Buffy's seemingly indifference at anything else.   
  
"He's at the clearing," Buffy responded. Everyone at the shop knew exactly what clearing she meant.   
  
As soon as the words had left Buffy's mouth, Tara got up and picked up her bag, knowing that if Xander had told Buffy, and it seemed likely he had, at least judging by Buffy's demeanor, she wanted to make sure he was okay.   
  
"He's not a little kid, Tara," Buffy called out to her, with a slightly derisive edge to her voice. "You don't need to go running after him all the time."   
  
The look of shock at the tone Buffy had taken with her was etched not only on Tara's face, but in the moment it took to spin around and face Buffy, she saw that Giles too was disturbed by it. Tara could only imagine what inner battle was occurring inside Buffy's mind for her to on one hand tell the others that they could trust Xander, but on the other feel almost antagonistic to him. It only confirmed what she first thought. Buffy now knew the true circumstances to Xander's return.   
  
"I know he's not, Buffy. But you know, sometimes we need our friends," Tara replied, emphasising the last part, hoping that Buffy would understand that she might need the same from someone later on.   
  
Tara didn't wait around any longer to see if Buffy got her meaning, though, and as the other members of their band of fighters watched, she walked out, not saying another word.   
  
After a few moments silence, where no one seemed to know exactly where to start a conversation, it was Wesley who seemed to settle on the one almost safe area. "Are you sure you can trust them?" he asked Buffy, after both her and Giles had taken their seats across the table from them.   
  
"Yeah," Buffy responded softly.   
  
"Buffy, I don't think that..." Giles cautioned, wondering what had caused the sudden change of heart, before being cut off.   
  
"Giles, I said I trust him, okay!" Buffy took a breath, noticing that the rest of the group had stopped what they were doing and seemed interested in nothing more than Buffy's change of heart. It became very un-nerving after a few seconds.   
  
"I really don't think we have any time left to worry about it, anyway," She added, hoping that the lessening of her reason might sit better with them. Which it seemed to do. Cordelia, Fred and Gunn went back to whatever books they were researching, while Angel couldn't help but keep glancing over at Buffy, as if he could tell she'd been thrown off kilter by Xander's admission.   
  
Buffy was about to tell him to stop staring at her, when she noticed Wesley move over to where Giles had stationed himself, obviously trying to be quiet about it, but seemingly forgetting the range of a slayer's hearing.   
  
"He's not telling us everything, Giles," Wesley stated. "I'm not saying that he's deliberately misleading us. Lord knows, I consider him a friend, but how do we know?"   
  
"I know," Giles answered. "But what am I do to? Lock him up and interrogate him." He quickly glanced at Buffy, not all that surprised to find that she was looking at them. "Anyway, whether we believe him or not, Buffy is right about one thing. We don't have time to worry about it."   
  
At this Wesley nodded, accepting that one truth. "So you still want Angel to take an advance party up?"   
  
"Yes," Giles replied, "and the rest of us will follow after Dawn's graduation."   
  
The ringing of the front door bell averted all attention back to it. Some of the assembled group had wondered if Xander or Tara had returned, but they were all shocked to see whom it was step through the doorway.   
  
"Well that was certainly a response," Lorne told them. "Though I tend to go for the standing ovation type of one, but hey, beggars can't be chooses in my line of work."   
  
"And who might you be?" Giles asked, reaching behind him for anything that might help in a fight. Not that he was one to jump to conclusions, but he could count on one hand the number of times a demon had walked into the magic shop and not wanted to use him or his friends as a punching bag.   
  
Angel got up and stood slightly in front of Giles in case he was about to launch an attack at his friends. "Umm, Giles, this is Lorne," Angel told him holding his hand out indicating the green demon that was looking a little perturbed now.   
  
"Oh, right. Sorry," Giles replied.   
  
"Hey no offense, just remember I'm a singer not a fighter," Lorne quipped as he walked over to the table and placed in the middle, with some force, a bundle of books.   
  
"I'm glad to see everyone here is feeling the love," he added before taking a seat next to Fred. "How's it going with you?"   
  
"I'm fine, thanks," Fred replied with a giggle.   
  
"Well that's good, sugarpants. I however feel the need to go back to LA, so unless someone can tell me a reason not too..." Lorne started, wondering how far he'd get.   
  
"You're coming with us to San Francisco," Angel cut him off.   
  
"Somehow I figured I was," Lorne replied with a roll of his eyes.   
  
"So when are we leaving?" Buffy asked, preferring to get the conversation on a strictly tactical topic.   
  
"Lorne, Gunn, Fred and I are off tomorrow," Angel responded.   
  
"So soon?" Buffy asked.   
  
"We think that it would be best to have an advance party there, scouting the area, finding out anything they can," Wesley answered. "Cordelia and myself, will stay here researching, and come up on Saturday with the rest of you."   
  
Buffy nodded. It all sounded logical to her. And it all gave further proof, not that any was needed, that the final battle was drawing ever closer.   
  
*********  
  
"Do you think I should see if Buffy's okay?" Willow asked as she shimmied her hands on the steering wheel, turning it into another street on the way back to her and Tara's home.   
  
"Yeah, I think she might need someone to talk to," Tara answered.  
  
Having been surprised by a phone call from Tara, Willow had put aside her plans to attend a post exam party with some of her college friends. The news that Xander was missing, again, and that Buffy now knew some big secret was intriguing, but at that same time, maddening. Especially as Willow only knew part of the story.   
  
"And you can't tell me what happened?" Willow asked.  
  
Tara sighed. She hoped that Xander understood that she had to. She would've preferred him to do it. She'd checked the clearing, but hadn't found him there. Then after meeting up with Willow, they'd both gone to his apartment but found that he wasn't there either. So now she knew it was up to her to decide what to say. This time, she knew she had to say something.   
  
"I think that Xander told her the real events leading up to him returning to this time," she told Willow.  
  
Willow's eyes closed slightly at the words. She hadn't even known that there was a 'real' story that was any different than the accepted story. "I don't understand."  
  
"Xander was very happy in the future, Will. He didn't come back by choice," Tara admitted.  
  
"But he could've saved Buffy?" Willow asked. The thought that Xander would've ever had to make a choice concerning Buffy's life, an almost alien thought to her.  
  
Tara shook her head. "I think that Buffy is hurting over that thought."  
  
"Wow," Willow replied. She could only guess at how Buffy would feel.   
  
The next street they turned into was their own. Willow pulled the car up in the driveway, noticing someone sitting on the porch in one their chairs.   
  
"Hey, there's Xander," Willow said, pointing to their friend. "Go and talk to him, I'll go and see Buffy."  
  
Tara smiled warmly at her girlfriend. "Thanks." She leant over and kissed her gently, lightly rubbing the outside of her palm across her cheek. "I'll see you later?"  
  
"You betch ya," Willow replied, with an impish grin. "I've finished exams and there is some celebrating that's long overdue."  
  
Smiling slyly Tara's thoughts were suddenly filled with images of just what that celebration would entail. "I'll be waiting," she replied, kissing Willow again, before getting out of the car and waving as Willow drove off.  
  
As she walked up the small path to the front of her house, she saw that Xander had gotten up off his seat and moved to meet her, at the steps.  
  
"Hey," she greeted him as she got closer.  
  
"Was that Wills?" he asked looking over her shoulder at the retreating car.   
  
"Yeah," Tara replied.  
  
"Oh, god, she's finished exams hasn't she. You two should be alone," Xander replied, feeling that he had intruded. In one of their numerous conversations, Xander had come to realise just how much time Willow had been away lately finishing up her course.  
  
"There's plenty of time for that," Tara told him, as she gave him a hug. "Are you okay?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "It could've been worse."  
  
Tara turned her key in the lock and held the door open as Xander walked in. She followed behind and closed the door after herself. "I told Willow some of it. She's off to see Buffy," Tara told him, as Xander sat down.  
  
"That's good," Xander replied nodding.  
  
"It'll work out," Tara told him, with the confidence that she always seemed to exude.   
  
"Yeah?" Xander asked.  
  
"Yeah," Tara told him firmly, with a smile.   
  
  
*********  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the graduating class of 2005."  
  
At once the graduation caps of the class, all went up in the air, and the stands and chairs filled with proud family and friends, broke into applause, as they witnessed the end of the formal ceremony.  
  
Xander had watched with a warm heart when Dawn was called up to collect her diploma. It was an event that he himself had not experienced, due to the coinciding event of the Mayor's ascension. He was very happy that Dawn was able to go through her graduation in a town that no longer had to worry about such things.   
  
He wished he could have been closer. He would have liked to be sitting with the rest of them, but despite the days in between, and Tara's assurances to the contrary, he still felt less than totally welcome in the company of some of his friends.   
  
The one time that Dawn and him had crossed paths, neither of them knew what to say to each other. After a few awkward embarrassed seconds, where they had each spluttered out some words, they turned quickly and walked away from each other.   
  
Both Tara and Willow had assured him that Buffy didn't hate him, and had just been a little off kilter at the news he told her the previous Monday night, but he could tell that she also was at a loss for words when they were near each other. More than that though, facing Buffy meant facing the reality of what he and Dawn had chosen to do in the future. It was an examination of himself that he didn't like, no matter how much he knew he wouldn't have changed his decision if he had the choice again.  
  
But more than anything else, this was Dawn's day, and in a way Buffy's as well. No matter how much he wanted to be here, he was not going to make it difficult for either of them. So instead, he stood as happy as he could be in the circumstances behind a tree, at the back of the assembled crowd, watching with pride as Dawn graduated from High School.   
  
***********  
  
As Dawn bent down to pick up what she was sure was her graduation cap, she couldn't help but smile as she once again pictured Xander watching her from behind one of the trees at the back of the quad.   
  
Their awkward meeting earlier in the week had been hard, and after it she was more than a little angry at herself. When she thought about it, along with talking to Stacey, she knew that she wasn't angry with him. She also had to admit to herself that part of her was jumping for joy at what he'd done. For so long it had been a not so secret wish of hers. But that was years ago, and now she didn't know quite what to make of it. The shock of it all made her feel as though the earth was tilting on an axis and she was off balance from it. She had wanted to talk to him, but that courage didn't extend to going to his apartment. For the moment, any thought of that place only meant remembering the kiss. So instead she'd thought she would run into him at the Magic shop at least once in the last few days. The only problem was, when that did happen all her courage took a flying leap out of her body, and Xander and her did their best mumbling impressions before walking away.   
  
Earlier today she'd made her way over to where her family and friends were sitting, and quickly noticed that Xander wasn't there. No matter what was going on, she didn't want him to miss her graduation, and it upset her to think that he would. She didn't say anything, but her disappointment must have been etched clearly on her face, as Tara had whispered in her ear.  
  
"He's here. He didn't feel right being with us, so he's at the back somewhere."  
  
She didn't know what to make of that. It was clear to her that Xander and Buffy had some sort of talk earlier in the week, and they hadn't talked since. But she also felt guilty that if not for their aborted meeting earlier, maybe he would've felt comfortable enough to sit with everyone else. However the warm feeling she got when she realised he was there was more than enough to compensate for the sadness she felt.  
  
When she had collected her diploma, she was sure she'd seen him, at the back where Tara had said he would be, clapping and cheering along with the others. Her heart had swelled a little as she did, but then as she walked off, her eyes met with Adam's and she felt more than just a little pain.   
  
She hated that he'd put an 'ultimatum' on their relationship. But beyond that she knew that it didn't change anything. She was going to San Francisco and that wasn't changing. Adam wasn't going and that wouldn't change either. And as much as she tried to deny it, Xander's reappearance had thrown a huge obstacle in her and Adam's relationship. For although she didn't know what she truly felt for Xander, there was a bond there between them that even Adam could see. She also knew that he had worked out he wouldn't be able to break it.   
  
"Hey!"  
  
Spinning around, and wondering if he'd heard any of her inner thoughts for a minute she faced her boyfriend, knowing that this was the time.  
  
"Hi," she said quietly.  
  
"So, we made it," he told her.  
  
"Yeah," she answered noticing that it had suddenly become hard to talk to the one person it never used to be.  
  
"But we won't will we?" Adam told her, his eyes pleading with her to disagree with the question.  
  
She longed to tell him that they would. There was nothing in her that liked hurting anyone, and she knew that the truth was going to hurt him. She didn't love him. Even without the impending trip, or the return of Xander, that was a truth she'd always known. But he was a good person, and he had been there for her, and she really did like him.  
  
"No we won't," she told him, fighting to keep any tears away.   
  
Adam shook his head slowly. "I didn't think so." He looked his now ex-girlfriend up and down, fighting in himself to hate her at that moment, but not being able to. "I hope he's worth it," he told her.  
  
"Xander's not the reason," Dawn told him gently.  
  
"No?" Adam replied not believing it.  
  
"No," Dawn replied adamantly.   
  
Adam shrugged, clearly not believing it. "I'm going to go," he told her with a little hesitation.  
  
Dawn simply nodded, not trusting her voice to say anything. Beyond anything else, she felt as though part of her life had just ended. For most of the last two years it had been Adam, Stacey and herself, and now as their High School lives ended, so it seems did a part of her friendships. As she watched Adam walk away she couldn't help but wonder what else was going to change in her life.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
She turned around to see her best friend looking worried at her. She'd been holding in all that she was feeling, while her and Adam talked. However now faced with the concerned look on her best friend's face, those barriers fell, and she couldn't stop the tears from flowing.   
  
Stacey quickly moved forward and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Come on, it's all right." She told her gently.  
  
"I do really like him," Dawn told her, wiping away some of the tears.  
  
"I know you did. But he wanted more?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," Dawn replied. For all her rationalizing about her trip to San Francisco and Xander being there as being the problem, she knew deep down that Adam could tell that he felt more for her, than she did for him. And for that, Dawn didn't feel like that good of a person, at that moment.  
  
"You couldn't lie to him, Dawn," Stacey told her firmly. "He already knew."  
  
Dawn nodded. "It still hurts."  
  
"Yeah, break-ups do usually," Stacey told her giving her a light pat on the back. "So what about the other man in your life?" Stacey asked after a while.  
  
"Xander?" Dawn replied, knowing that of course she was referring to Xander.   
  
"Yes, you know, tall, dark and handsome. Likes to kiss unsuspecting girls, and watch their graduations from behind the trees," Stacey replied not resisting the chance to rub it in to her best friend.   
  
"You saw him?' Dawn asked surprised.  
  
"Yeah," Stacey replied, then realising what Dawn's question meant, she added, "You did as well."  
  
She couldn't hide the smile, as she told Stacey, "Oh yeah, I saw him."  
  
"So?" Stacey asked.   
  
"I don't know," Dawn replied.  
  
**************  
  
Xander scanned the crowd again, but in the throng that had gathered around the graduating class he'd lost sight of Dawn as she was talking to Stacey. He stepped up on his toes, trying to get a slightly higher look, but once again, all he saw was a sea of anonymous faces. Shrugging to himself, but happy that he at least got to see one of the things he'd promised himself he would, he decided that he may as well head back to his apartment and pack for the trip tomorrow.  
  
He took one last look at the crowd. Not seeing her, he spun around, then came to an abrupt stop. Standing in front of him, was the person he'd been looking for. He couldn't help but smile at her presence. Even though they hadn't spoken since that fateful night, he didn't count the mumble exchange as words, her presence made him feel complete and the fact that she'd sought him out gave him nothing but pleasure.  
  
"Hi," he addressed her a little shyly.  
  
"Hey,' she replied. "How have you been?"  
  
Xander shrugged, grateful that at least they had found words to say to each other. "I've been okay. You looked good up there."  
  
This time it was Dawn to be set upon by a sudden case of shyness. She turned a little red before replying. "Thanks."   
  
"You going out tonight?" Xander asked, thinking there must be an end of school party happening somewhere.  
  
"Yeah, for a while. But we're leaving pretty early tomorrow," she responded. Looking over Xander's shoulder, she could see that Buffy was standing a little way back from them, but looking on very curiously at the two of them. "Did you and Buffy have a fight?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "Not really. It's...complicated."  
  
Dawn nodded, almost expecting the answer she got. "Look I've got to go, but..." she paused, looking a little frightened to ask her next question. "When we get to San Francisco can we talk?"  
  
There was a part of Xander who didn't want to say anything. He wasn't sure what he wanted to tell her. But he also knew that she was reaching out, and if he said nothing now, she might not do so again. "I'd like that," he told her warmly, hoping that by the time that talk came along he would know what to say.  
  
Dawn smiled at him, causing his heart to flutter just a little. It was so easy, in these situations to forget that this wasn't the Dawn that he shared a part of his life with. The little curves on her lips when she grinned were so familiar to him that he had to tell himself that it wasn't.  
  
"Good," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah, you will," he replied, marveling at the almost normal conversation they'd just had. He watched her closely as she moved past him, turning as she did, to continue his gaze as she walked to Buffy.  
  
She paused just in front of him, and turned slightly so she could just see his face. "Thanks for coming today," she told him softly. "It meant a lot."  
  
"I wouldn't have missed it for anything," he told her in reply.  
  
Her smile now even wider, she nodded, just slightly at him, before walking away to her waiting sister.  
  
For the first time in a very long time, Xander felt as though something might be going right for him. He stood there watching as Dawn made her way to Buffy, and was overjoyed to see Buffy cast him a glance. He was sure that her eyes showed... well something. He didn't know what, but it wasn't anger. And for that he felt extremely grateful.   
  
In fact, he felt a lot lighter than he'd felt for a very long time. He walked away from the rest of the group, to where he'd parked, amazed at how he seemed to be floating as he moved forward. Upon reaching his car, he was very surprised to find Stacey waiting for him, leaning against the door.  
  
"Hey," he greeted her as he got there.  
  
"Did she catch up with you?" Stacey asked.  
  
"Yeah, she did," he replied. "Congratulations, by the way."  
  
"Thanks," Stacey answered. "Look, I know something's going down in San Francisco..."  
  
Xander stood there, not knowing what to say.  
  
Stacey released him from his dilemma by adding. "Don't worry, I don't think I'm supposed to know. But I'm not dumb. I know that Dawn's sister is involved as is most of your friends."  
  
"I don't know what to tell you," Xander replied, not surprised that Stacey wasn't one of the many residents of Sunnydale that just stuck her head in the sand at all the weirdness that used to be rampant around their town.  
  
"You don't need to tell me anything. Just promise me that you'll bring her back?"  
  
Xander nodded. "I will."  
  
"I mean she can be a pain in the ass, but she's my best friend and I'm scared this time."  
  
He wanted to tell her that it would be okay, that Dawn will be coming home, and they'd have nothing more dangerous than College Freshman to worry about. But underneath Stacey's light-hearted tone, Xander could see a very deep concern. She was being very honest in her worries, and he just couldn't lie to her. Even under the best intentions.  
  
"I'll do my best."  
  
She could tell by his words that he couldn't give any further guarantee, and though she wished he could, she understood. She nodded, letting him know that she got the picture.   
  
"Umm, do you need a lift somewhere?" he asked, seeing that she seemed a little lost.  
  
"No, I'm fine. Thanks though," she replied.  
  
"No biggie. Have a great time tonight okay?" he told her, having an idea that she wouldn't be able to relax till Dawn came home.  
  
***************  
  
There was something in the air that morning. They could all feel it. It wasn't just that it was unusually crisp for a June morning. Or that there was a slight fog covering the ground. It was thicker, though more intangible. Buffy could feel it in the very core of her being, as she brought her last bag out to her car, and packed it in the trunk, squeezing down on some of the other pieces of luggage that her and Dawn had managed to pack in.   
  
The front door opened and Dawn walked out, carrying a small bag, followed by Giles, who was showing all the stress of the last few days in his face.   
  
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked, as she reached her sister.  
  
"Yeah, it's just..." She stopped and looked around. "Don't you feel it?"  
  
Both Dawn and Giles, who had reached her by now, looked around as well. They couldn't see anything, but each of them felt it. Giles, knew what it was. "It's fear Buffy," he said quietly.  
  
His words sent a shudder through Dawn, but she was determined to stay confident for her sister. "We're going to do it," she told Buffy.   
  
Buffy gave her sister a warm grin, letting her know she appreciated the sentiment. "I love you, you know."  
  
As Dawn wrapped her arms around her sister, another car pulled up at the curb of their place. Peering out from the side of her sister's body Dawn saw that it was Xander, with Tara, Willow, Cordelia and Wesley. She already knew that Wesley would be joining them in their car. There was a little part of her that had been tempted to go with Xander, but it was a small part. She knew they had to talk before they got, whatever it was they had, on track again. And that was something she wanted to do in private, not in a car with others. More than that was the fact that the drive would give her more time to spend with her sister. Something that she wouldn't trade for anything.   
  
Xander stayed in the car, as he pulled up. He still felt a little wary around Buffy and Giles, something that he hoped he would be able to sort out in San Francisco. His gaze stayed on them, noticing that Dawn had thrown a couple of little glances his way, as Wesley got out and walked over to join the rest of his group.   
  
"Are you going to talk to Buffy?" Willow asked, noticing where her friend was looking at.   
  
"I will once we settle in," Xander answered. "I hope she just needed sometime."   
  
"It'll work out," Tara told him confidently.   
  
"I trust you," Cordelia blurted out, seemingly out of nowhere, causing the other three to turn to her. She looked more than a little embarrassed, but with the eyes of the three on her, she knew that she had to continue. "We're friends, Xander. Good friends." Seeing Xander nod in agreement she continued. "And I don't want to go into whatever we're going into with anything between us. Especially something as crappy as that. So I trust you."   
  
"Thanks Cordy, that does mean a lot," Xander told her, reaching over and squeezing her hand. He hadn't talked to Cordelia or Wesley about the friendship they had in the future, and he didn't know if he would. If they made it, then Xander figured it was just one of the things they could all work on.   
  
"It looks like they're ready," Willow said, causing Xander to turn back around, and noticing that they were all in the car, and were backing out.   
  
As they pulled out, he saw Dawn looking at him. When their eyes met, he raised his hand, to give her a small wave, something that she returned, causing him to break out in a big grin. He turned the key over, and started the car, pulling out from the curb. Looking in the rear view mirror, he could see Willow and Tara both looking at him inquisitively, with big smiles on their faces. Turning to where Cordelia was sitting next to him, he could tell she was trying not to laugh.   
  
All of the sudden, Xander realised that his feelings for Dawn were no longer secret from anyone in the car.   
  
*****   
  
  
Buffy noticed the exchange between Xander and Dawn, and smiled a little. Amongst everything else that was happening, it was almost innocent, and she couldn't be unhappy with that. It was more than a little weird, but against what was coming, and her own strained relationship with Xander, she wasn't going to complain about something that made two people she loved happy. She just hoped that time would provide a chance to talk with him.   
  
Dawn turned around and noticed Buffy was looking at her, and couldn't help lightly hitting her sister in the arm. "Shut up" she said, a little embarrassed.  
  
"What's up?" Giles asked from the back of the car.  
  
Buffy and Dawn both looked at each other and couldn't help but smile. Each of them stifling their laughter somewhat. It was such a normal thing for sisters to do; it took a few seconds for Dawn to realise that Buffy was smiling. She watched as her sister's mood had deteriorated the previous night, and no matter what she tried to do, she seemed incapable of changing it. But now, even if it was a little at her expense, and a little at Giles, it was a small price to pay for a tiny respite on the doom that seemed to surround Buffy.   
  
As they drove out of town, she did notice however that the lighthearted look, washed away from Buffy's face. The look of worry that had been so prevalent was back again.  
  
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked as they passed the 'Leaving Sunnydale' sign.  
  
"Yeah," she replied softly, wondering inside if this would be the last time she saw her home.  
  
End Part Twenty 


	21. TwentyOne

Part 21  
  
San Francisco  
The Previous Night  
  
"Angel, look out!"  
  
Almost on reflex at Fred's words, Angel ducked, narrowly missing the fist that seemed to come out of nowhere. He hadn't expected this, none of them had. To say that they were unprepared was an understatement. What was meant to be a routine patrol had suddenly erupted into a fight for their lives.   
  
In the few days since they'd arrived, they'd encountered very few vampires, and even fewer demons. It was those lack of encounters that had lulled them all into a false sense of security. A sense that had failed them this night.   
  
Only a few minutes into their sweep of the area near the southern pylons of the Golden Gate Bridge, they had all found themselves surrounded by over twenty vampires. The fog that seemed to live in this area, especially in the cemetery, where they were now, had worked against them and for their pursuers, hiding their arrival till it was too late to retreat, forcing a confrontation.  
  
Over the last few years, Angel and his crew had become very seasoned fighters, but as good as they were, they knew they were horribly outnumbered. Their only saving grace was that most of the attacking force seemed to be very inexperienced. Angel surmised that the vampires were new recruits because they continually made the mistake of attacking in one's and two's - no strategy at all. But even with that lucky break, it didn't change the fact that even if they were newly risen vampires, the fact that they were here, meant that others knew what was coming. And that meant older, more dangerous opponents. Something that would require much more planning, unlike the battle currently occurring.   
  
Even after most of their number had been wiped out, the remaining vampires didn't seem to change from their run in and attack strategy. Gunn and Lorne were currently engaged with two of them, while what seemed to be the strongest of the lot, had joined up with the only other surviving member of his group to take on Angel.   
  
It was during this fight that Fred's warning alerted Angel to, and consequently gave him time to duck the first punch it threw at him. However in evading that first thrust, he wasn't quick enough to swerve away from the kick that followed it. It cannoned into Angel's right side, knocking him off his feet as it sent him in the air to the dirt a few feet away. The impact to the ground knocked Angel about, but he could sense the follow up attack coming. Quickly he sprung to his feet, narrowly avoiding the kick which would have smashed into his face, and thankfully, gave him a few feet grace between him and his attackers.  
  
As one of them made a movement forward, Angel pulled out a stake from underneath his jacket, spying an opening, he planted it into the chest of the vampire, above where it's heart was. He had no time to appreciate the majestic dance the vampire's body did as it turned to dust. As soon as he pulled back, the stake was kicked out of his hand by the lone surviving vampire. Angel turned around quickly ready to block any attack that followed the kick, but when he looked up, he saw that Lorne and Gunn had grabbed his adversary and were trying to get him into position to deliver the final blow.   
  
He could see the realisation pass over the demon's face. He knew that his time was at an end and he'd failed in his task. And with that it stopped struggling, fixing his gaze straight at Angel, who was now moving closer to where it was being held by Lorne and Gunn.   
  
"You can't stop what is to come, traitor. We'll kill your slayer bitch and all your friends," it spat out at him.  
  
"Well you won't be around to see it," Gunn shouted back at it, as he thrust forward, letting his stake slide easily through the dead flesh, holding it there till the body around it disintegrated in front of them.  
  
"I don't think our presence here is a secret," Fred said, as she came up behind them.  
  
"No," Angel said quietly, knowing that it made everything a lot harder, and that was something they didn't need.   
  
"Well, I suppose we'll just have to be extra ready," Gunn said slapping Angel friendly on the back. "Don't worry man, we'll handle it."  
  
Angel simply nodded, taking a look around the graveyard as the fog continued to roll in off the water, almost as if it was trying to cover up the un-natural events that were to come.  
  
********  
  
Xander wished he could stop tossing and turning. But then after a few moments, he felt himself adjusting his body again, searching for the one position that would give him the comfort that he was looking for. Unfortunately after another five minutes, all he'd discovered was that the ceiling did really need a good clean, not to mention a re-plastering, and that he was at least thankful he didn't have the rollaway bed.  
  
The night was cool, crisp even for a June evening in San Francisco. And seeing that they were less than a few miles away from the Bay, the air was getting a nice little blast off the water to help it along. Xander usually liked the cold. But even the hospitality of the weather was not stopping Xander's body perform it's own impression of a tumbleweed under the sheets. The only thing that stopped him crying out in frustration as the third hour ticked away with his eyes still open was the knowledge that his roommates would undoubtedly wake from such an exclamation. Although to be honest, he was surprised that they hadn't already kicked him out for all the noise he'd made. However lifting his head, he saw that they still seemed to be under the restful effects of REM sleep.  
  
It had been a long day for them all. Not particularly stressful in itself, but with everything that hung over them, that didn't mean much. They'd left Sunnydale after breakfast, arriving at San Francisco in the afternoon. The trip itself was quite enjoyable. It was as if they'd all decided to have fun on the road trip. Whether that was done to avoid thinking about what was coming, or simply because they all enjoyed each other's company, Xander couldn't be sure. He thought it was probably a bit of both. The trip was full of talk about old times, jokes about past mistakes and spirited singing when a well known song came across whatever radio station they were listening to. During those times Xander realised that for all her tries at Caritas, Cordelia's singing was still an acquired taste, Tara had the most wonderful voice, and beyond anything else, he could have listened to both of them for hours. The whole atmosphere was warm and friendly and showed him, not that he needed reminding, just how good of friends they all had been, and still could be in the future. While Tara and he had become very close friends over the last few months, he knew that he had not shared that closeness with Willow for a number of years. But there was a bond that they shared that allowed them to improve on that if they wanted. And he was certain that she, like him, wanted that. Next to him was Cordelia. He still remembered clearly that promise made to her in the future. Don't be a stranger had been the basic idea. It didn't pass his thoughts that even though he'd spent a couple of years in LA, a lot of that time was away from Cordelia and the rest of them. Now that he remembered, it would be something that he would make sure to rectify later.   
  
The mood had flattened off as they hit the outlying areas of the Bay City. Arriving at their intended destination brought everything to the fore, and as much as they each tried to keep the conversation light, there was a cloud that seemed to settle over them, even as the afternoon sunlight broke through the ones in the sky. When they had arrived at the motel, it didn't take too long to realise that it wasn't the Marriott. In fact it was closer to a no-tell motel in appearance, but there was reasons why it was chosen and they all understood them. Their stay in San Francisco could become open ended. As much as they were hopeful for success, the reality of it was, they may be in here for months. They had limited finances for what could turn out to be a protracted stay. That was one of the reasons for the motel that was chosen, the price. The other was its proximity to the area they would be staging the operation from.   
  
The rest of the day had been taken up with mainly mundane activities. Getting settled in, shopping for food and other supplies. He knew that Giles, Buffy and Wesley had spent a good amount of time catching up with Angel, concerning the local situation since they'd been here for a few days already. No one had much of a chance to be by themselves, there always seemed to be something that needed attending to.   
  
Dinner came and went, and before he even thought about it, someone mentioned that they should all turn in. It was only then that Xander even realised it was after midnight.   
  
That was over three hours ago now, and Xander felt no more tired now then he did then. He knew his difficulties in falling asleep had nothing to do with whom he was sharing the room with. When it was first suggested, he'd said no on impulse. It wasn't that he was embarrassed to be sharing a room with Willow and Tara. All of them had shared rooms and for that matter, mattresses over the last decade and they were all past the point of feeling self conscious about that. He just felt like he might be intruding on them as they were a couple.   
  
However letting the couples have a room to themselves was not feasible. Their finances had dictated them only renting three rooms, each of them fitted out with one queen size bed, one single and a fold-away. And, because Giles had probably thought it would save any arguments, they simply kept to the car assignments when working out who would be staying in each room.  
  
Turning his head slightly he noticed, with quite a deal of envy, that they were still all soundly asleep. Next to him, Cordelia seemed to be picture of contentment, even though she was sleeping on a rickety fold-away. As much as he knew Cordelia had changed over the years, and even with his experiences of the future very current in his head, Xander still felt a little off kilter when Cordelia volunteered for what has to have been the worst bed in the room. Her reasoning that Xander was taller, and bigger, and there for would be better off with the single didn't lessen that feeling.   
  
Tara and Willow had naturally taken the queen size bed and in the quick glance Xander through their way he could tell that if there was any lumps in the mattress they had, they were serenely oblivious to them.   
  
No, Xander knew why he couldn't fall asleep. It wasn't hard for him to work out. His mind was full with thoughts and worries. Some of them were on the coming battle. Others were on the still fractured relationship with some of the team, including Buffy. Although he knew in her case, that seemed to be more of not having had a chance to talk then any lasting bitterness between the two of them. But most of all, and he did feel more than just a little guilt at this fact, he was running over and over in his mind what the next say would entail. All because Dawn and he would be spending a good deal of the day together.   
  
He had tried to find time to talk to Buffy, Dawn and Giles all day. But there was always other people around, and in reality more important things to attend to, so they never got the chance. He hadn't realised till later that Dawn had been trying to find time for them to talk as well, but had been just as unsuccessful. He only found this out later in the night, after she'd spoken to both Giles and Buffy, and getting the okay to disappear for a few hours, Dawn had come to him with the suggestion that they get away from the group, and really have a chance to talk.   
  
He'd agreed quickly thinking only about the chance of spending some time with her, but now in the hours following midnight, but not yet seeing the morning sun's glare, his mind was running over all his fears.   
  
For another quarter of an hour Xander lay there counting the little cracks that frequented the aging masonry work on the walls and ceilings in their motel room, before he couldn't take it anymore. Shucking the sheets and blanket off him, and pulling on a pair of jeans he'd laid next to his bed, and then an overcoat, before he quietly walked over the door. Gently he pulled on the latch, and opened the heavy weighted door, sliding through, then letting it close but bracing the force a little so it didn't slam, as it clicked into place.   
  
The two things he noticed straight away were the coolness in the air, and the over-riding smell of salt. Of course he knew both of these conditions had a lot to do with the fact that he could see part of the bay from the verandah he stood now on. Not a glorious panoramic view, that really would've burst what budget they had, but a little bit in the left hand corner of his sight. Close enough to know it's there, and more importantly close enough to where they had to be in a few nights time.  
  
He closed his eyes, letting the chill hit his cheeks, enjoying the simple pleasure of the cold. He'd hardly believed that it was summer, but this was a totally different place to Sunnydale.   
  
"Hey"  
  
He heard the slight voice to his left, and immediately opened his eyes to see who'd addressed him. The voice was small, and if Xander hadn't just seen who'd said it, he would have thought it sounded almost frightened. To his left sitting on one of the chairs that were stationed outside all the rooms, was Buffy. She'd brought her legs up, so that her feet were resting on the chair, and she had her arms wrapped around them, hugging her legs to her body.  
  
"Hey Buff," Xander responded.  
  
Noticing that Buffy didn't look at him when he did, he took a few steps towards her. As he did, he saw that her face still showed the signs of recent tears, and he wondered just how long she'd been out here by her self.  
  
It didn't matter that they hadn't talked since that night in the clearing a couple of days ago. At this point, all Xander wanted was to soothe whatever ill Buffy was feeling. He hesitantly reached over and offered her his hand, which she studied for a second before grasping it tightly for a few seconds and then letting go.  
  
Xander didn't say anything. For some reason he felt that it was her place to talk. She was in some pain, that was obvious, and he felt that it was his place to be there if she needed him.   
  
"I'm not angry with you," she told him, after a few seconds.  
  
"I'm glad," Xander replied nodding his head as he did.  
  
Then there was silence again for a few more minutes, before Buffy's voice broke the quiet. "I'm scared, Xander," she told him.  
  
It wasn't her voice that conveyed the true depth of her fear to him, though it was obvious in her tone that she was. No, it was when Xander looked into her eyes, and swore that the eyes looking back at him were that of a frightened child. If there was any doubt to Buffy's mindset over the past week, Xander no longer had any such queries. He could see it so clearly etched in the deepest part of her pupils the reality that she didn't think she was going to survive.  
  
"You're going to make it, Buffy. We all are," he told her firmly, grabbing her hand again as he did.  
  
"You can't be sure of that," Buffy countered.  
  
"No, but we are all going to make sure it turns out to be true," Xander replied as confidently as he could. He knew the risks, but he couldn't entertain the thought of her not surviving. Her living through this was the glue that was holding him together, making all that he'd been through almost worth it.  
  
"It's strange you know?" Buffy said, gazing out into the distance at the lights that illuminated the streets leading down to the bay.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You'd think I wouldn't be scared of death. I mean I've died twice already," she told him as her face turned to look at him.  
  
"It's not going to happen. We've stopped prophecy before."  
  
Xander's words didn't stop her thoughts. "This isn't a prophecy, it's reality. You lived it, Xander. We're trying to stop history. You lived in a future where I died." Buffy took a breath before adding, "and it was apparently a good place."  
  
Fighting the crushing feeling he was experiencing inside, Xander put aside that hurt, and tried to tell her what it was like. "It was. There was no demons, no vampires. At least that we knew about. And you know why?" He didn't wait for Buffy to answer before continuing. "Because you'd stopped them, Buffy."  
  
"And died in the process," Buffy added.  
  
Xander nodded. "Yes, you did. But we've been given a second chance to rectify that."  
  
Buffy seemed to take in these words for a moment before asking her next question. "You and Dawn were very happy there weren't you?"  
  
The sudden change in topic caught Xander off guard a little and because of that he couldn't mask his pain at the memory. He didn't want Buffy to feel any guilt over what happened to him. It was none of her doing. But seeing the look on her face as he replied, he could tell that she was.  
  
"We were very happy." Seeing that Buffy didn't have a response to that, except to look away, Xander wanted to continue, but didn't know where to start. Before he gathered his thoughts enough to put them into words, Buffy said the one thing he was trying to avoid her saying.  
  
"I'm sorry," she told him, her voice if anything sounding smaller while her face looked away from him.   
  
"No!" Xander told her adamantly. "Don't be sorry. This wasn't your fault, Buffy." He reached over touched her shoulder, lightly coaxed her around to look at him. "And please don't think that I'm sorry to have this chance to save your life."   
  
"But you didn't want to come back," Buffy asked him.  
  
"No, I didn't. But," Xander searched his thoughts quickly, knowing that he had to say this just right. "It wasn't as simple as just coming back in time, Buffy. There was no guarantee I'd get here, no guarantee on what I'd remember. But more than that, I didn't think I had the right. I could've screwed so much up if I'd come back. What if me coming back had resulted in the Hellmouth not closing?"  
  
Buffy nodded, getting what Xander was saying.  
  
Xander knew the next part may hurt him to admit to Buffy face to face, but it was the truth. And even if Buffy was one of his best friends, he had to admit it to her. "But Dawn and I had also decided that we didn't want to risk losing each other. We'd both lost so much, and we didn't want to lose what we had. And in the end, that was the deciding factor for me."  
  
Buffy had watched Xander closely as he told her all of this, seeing how some of the words were difficult for him to get out, knowing what the implication of it was. "It's strange to think of you and Dawn," she told him softly with out any malice or hurt at his words.  
  
Xander had to smile a little at the little curve he saw on the ends of Buffy's lips. "I can understand that."  
  
Buffy couldn't help but think of her sister, sleeping in the room just a little down the balcony. "Does she know any of this?"  
  
Xander shook his head.   
  
"What are you going to tell her?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "I really don't know. We're going out tomorrow to talk."  
  
Buffy nodded, remembering when Dawn had asked her. She looked out over the streets again, thinking about what Xander had told her.  
  
"Buffy," Xander called softly, when his friend hadn't said anything else after a few moments. He could tell that she accepted what he'd said. The reality of what was coming was so much of a burden on her thoughts, Xander's motives, or lack there of, for his return from the future, seemed as they had passed into insignificance.   
  
Buffy turned to face him.  
  
"I once told you that you were my hero," he said.   
  
Buffy nodded, remembering that day that was so long ago when she started university.   
  
"But you are so much more than that to me. You are my friend and I love you and nothing is going to take away a future where you can kick my ass for all the dopey things that I tend to do."  
  
The last part may have added a humorous tone to his words, along with one of his trademark grins, but Buffy could tell it was just to hide the little bit of un-camouflaged honesty that he'd just laid bare to her. She reached over to him and enveloped Xander in a hug, knowing that it was as much for her own benefit as well as his when she did this.   
  
"I love you too," she told him.   
  
They held each other for a few moments, before letting go.   
  
"Are you okay?" he asked her.  
  
"Yeah, I will be."  
  
Xander smiled, just a little, before getting up and stretching his back after sitting for that time. "I'm going to get some sleep," he told her, although thinking to himself, that he was going to try and get some sleep.  
  
Buffy nodded, knowing that she should as well, but not moving herself, yet.   
  
Xander cast her one last look and then turned to walk back the few short feet to his room. He had almost reached the door, when Buffy called softly to him.  
  
"Thank-you."  
  
This time the smile on Xander's face was not small, and he did noting to hide it, as he gave a little wave to her, before walking back into his room. He saw that the others were still asleep, so he walked across the room as quietly as possible, slipping out of his overcoat and jeans, before lying back down in his bed, and pulling the sheet up over his chest.   
  
A few minutes later he was once again looking at the ceiling, but unlike the last time, he only felt warm and happy.   
  
*************  
  
It may not have been a 'date' but both Dawn and Xander had more than their fair share of nerves as each of them got ready for what was, to both of them, a very important day.   
  
It had taken Dawn a few different attempts before she was happy with what she was wearing. A job made more difficult with the coolness of the morning, and the knowledge that it would probably be warmer later in the day. She also couldn't fail to notice the occasional wry glance from her sister that told her Buffy was finding a little too much enjoyment in her sister's predicament. Not that Dawn wasn't use to that. Buffy had seemed to take much delight in Dawn's social life. And seeing as though this was one of her best friends, she could imagine Buffy would have miles and miles of smirking half glances and little comments to come. And more than any of that, Buffy seemed in a lighter mood than she had been for the last few days, and if this was the pay off for that Dawn would handle it.   
  
Two rooms down, Xander's nerves weren't so much on what to wear. His fashion sense may have improved somewhat since High School, and with Cordelia in the room with him, there was no way she would let him out of there with anything that didn't look at the very least, okay. His worries were more centred on what to tell Dawn. Beyond anything else he wanted the barriers that stood between them to be torn down, and he knew that might mean telling her all of his time in the future. And that wasn't the easiest thing to contemplate. He would much rather be spending the time getting re-aquatinted with her. They'd spent so little time together in the last few years, he realised that what he knew about Dawn was mainly through observation and hearsay. That and his memories from a future that no longer existed. He didn't know where their relationship could go from here.   
  
His thoughts were broken by light knocking on his door, and one look at Cordelia, Willow and Tara, and the grins that were on their faces was enough to tell him it was showtime. Taking a deep breath, he walked over and opened the door, telling himself not to get too worked up.   
  
When he did, he could tell by the look of apprehension on Dawn's face, that she was just as nervous as he was about today. And in a way it gave him strength, that she was just as serious about getting their friendship back on some sort of track.  
  
"Hey," she greeted him, smiling nervously.  
  
"Hi," Xander replied, then adding, "you look nice," hoping the compliment hadn't over-stepped any boundary.  
  
"Thanks," Dawn replied with a smile. "You too."  
  
Xander grinned, silently thanking Cordy for her stubbornness in picking what he should wear. "Shall we go?" Xander asked, picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah," Dawn replied, waving to the others in the room as Xander walked out of the doorway and out onto the balcony. He closed the door behind him, after silently saying goodbye to the others. Then they both walked down the verandah, out onto the street and down to where the cable car stop was located. Although he didn't know exactly where they were going, Dawn had told him they would head further around to where the waterfront piers were. He'd heard enough horror stories about parking in the city area that they didn't even consider taking his car. He didn't have any great love affair with public transport, so he was pleasantly surprised when the Cable car turned up after only a short waiting time. He guessed that Dawn had planned their timing very well.   
  
Their trip into the downtown area was punctuated with long periods of silence, as both of them were wary of what to say, especially in the crowded car. As they passed different landmarks, it gave a perfect opportunity to break the silence and they took advantage of it, till gradually by the time they'd reached their intended destination they were merrily chatting about all things touristy in San Francisco. It was a shield, a cover to what they had to talk about and they both knew it. But it also was warm and friendly, something they both enjoyed.  
  
They'd come right down to the waterfront, and as the hour approached midday, Xander could tell that the sky was clearing, letting them both see out across the water.  
  
"Pier 39," Dawn told him, as they looked at the structure. "You want to get some brunch?"  
  
Xander nodded, "sounds good."  
  
They walked together towards the pier, staying close as the crowds got larger, and looking out for some place that looked inviting to eat, as well as giving them a little bit or privacy that they both wanted. "How about we grab something to go, and find a place in the park outside?" Xander asked, after it looked like their search would be unsuccessful inside.   
  
Dawn agreed, and now that they weren't worried about finding acceptable seating inside they quickly found some acceptable food, and headed back out to the one of the parks, where Xander opened his duffel bag and pulled out a blanket for them to sit on, surprising Dawn.  
  
"Now I know why your bag looked so full," she told him as he straightened the blanket out on the grass.  
  
"Trying to be prepared," he told her back.  
  
They had picked a place overlooking the water, but with a little break from the wind which had picked up a little. It wasn't cold, but both of them were glad they'd brought coats as it kept the little chill off them. They could just make out the sounds of seals, barking at people at one of the piers, something that both of them found amusing.   
  
"We should check them out later?" Xander said, as they both smiled at the sound of one particularly loud roar.   
  
Dawn nodded. "We can go for a look after."  
  
They both acknowledged that they were both stalling; something that was working till they both finished their snacks. As if they both realised that now was the time, they looked at each other and laughed nervously.  
  
"I've missed this," Dawn told him. Even with the unspoken words between themselves, they'd both enjoyed the day so far, even if it had only been for an hour or so.  
  
"I know, me too," Xander replied.   
  
"Did..." Dawn started to say, before biting her lip and stopping herself.  
  
"What?" Xander asked. When he saw the look of apprehension on her face, he added, "ask me anything Dawn, you can you know?"  
  
Dawn nodded. "Did you and I do this in the future?"  
  
She could tell that he wasn't expecting that, by the way he looked totally stumped for a few seconds. Then almost as if he was happy she'd asked, he replied. "Yeah we did."  
  
"We were a couple then?" she asked.  
  
Xander nodded. "Yeah we were," he replied quietly, taking in the glazed look in Dawn's eyes. "When did you work that out?"  
  
"Probably when you kissed me," she told him, with a little smile. Looking back on it, it was sort of funny to her. Not in the laugh out loud sort of way, but she found it hard to think of Xander kissing her as a bad thing. "But I didn't acknowledge it till I started putting things together."  
  
"I shouldn't have done that," he told her.  
  
"It's okay," she replied. "It's just, well strange."  
  
"I get that," he told her.  
  
"I can ask you anything?" Dawn said, making Xander nervous. He would tell her the truth, he'd promised her that, but there were things that he really didn't want to talk about with her. It would be just too weird.   
  
"Yeah," he replied, hoping that she wouldn't ask about one of those things.  
  
"What do you feel for me?"   
  
It wasn't one of the questions that Xander feared, but there wasn't a simple answer either. However he had sworn to tell her the truth. "I love you,"  
  
As much as she tried not to, her heart did flutter a little at that. But there was another question she needed to ask. Something that had been knawing away at her mind since she'd worked out that Xander had been involved with a future version of herself, something that took more than a little to get her mind around. "Do you love me, or the other Dawn?"  
  
Xander didn't know exactly how to answer that. He loved the person in front of him with all his heart. But where did that come from? Was it all from the Dawn he left behind when he went back in time?   
  
"I don't know," he told her honestly. Looking at Dawn as he said those words, he was sure of one other thing. "But I can tell you without any doubt that I do love you."  
  
"I'm not the same person, Xander" Dawn told him.  
  
"You told me something, in the future. You said that the feelings you had for me were always there," he said, hoping that it was still a fact. He hadn't even considered that Dawn may have not thought of him that way, with the differences in this timeline.   
  
"I said that, huh?" she asked, blushing a little at the truth in those words, before sobering up to the reality of them. "I think you knew that I had a crush on you when I was a young kid, but that was years ago."  
  
"I know," Xander replied.   
  
"And after that..." Dawn paused, not wanting to turn any of her words into an accusation. "I know it wasn't your fault, Xander, but you missed a huge part of my life over the last few years. I mean, do you really know me anymore?"  
  
"Maybe I don't," Xander admitted.   
  
"And how much do I know you anymore? To be honest, I'm not sure if what I feel for you is just from my memories, or something else?" Dawn told him.  
  
"It's ironic that in the future, the I wished that I hadn't missed you growing into the woman you became." Xander could see that woman, clearly in Dawn now. Not exactly the same, but it was there. "And I missed it all again."   
  
"That hurt me so much, Xander," Dawn said softly. "I'm not blaming..."  
  
Xander stopped with a wave of her hand, knowing what she was going to say. "It's all screwed up, isn't it?" Xander said. The talk had not gone how he had hoped, but maybe that was the reality he had to face.  
  
"Well, yeah it is," Dawn replied, wishing she could escape the feeling that they'd managed to bring down one barrier, only to erect a sturdier one between them.  
  
Xander thought about it for a moment, before answering. "Well stuff it!"  
  
"Xander!" Dawn replied, not understanding what he was saying. and more than a little surprised at Xander's words.   
  
"There isn't any law saying we had to work everything out today is there?" Xander asked her, trying to focus on the fact that they'd spent a very enjoyable time together if you set aside the awkwardness of some of the questions.  
  
"No I don't think there is." Dawn replied.  
  
"Well there you go. That means we can have more days like this," Xander replied, not missing the fact that he was basically suggesting more non-dates.  
  
"Yeah, we can," Dawn answered with a smile, showing that she had no problem with that suggestion.  
  
Softening his tone, he continued. "I love you, and that means wanting you to be happy, no matter what."  
  
"I want the same for you," Dawn replied.  
  
"So we can work on this later on, tomorrow, next week, next month, whenever."  
  
Dawn nodded agreeing with that.  
  
"I'm just..." Xander started to say, his voice showing the slightest tinge of how happy was he was. "I'm just so happy to be talking to you again. Spending time with you. I want to be able to talk to you about everything, and I think we can now, can't we?" Xander asked.  
  
"Yes, always," Dawn replied.   
  
"Well then, lets take a look around the rest of this place. I'm sure there's some noisy seals that have peaked my interest at least," he told her with a grin. As he went to stand up, he felt his hand being grabbed. Looking back he saw that Dawn had hold of it, and she simply was staring at him. Pulling her up, he wasn't all that surprised and not unhappy in the slightest when she enveloped him in a hug. It felt so right, so correct; he didn't hesitate in the slightest in returning it.   
  
"I've missed you," Dawn told him, though Xander had to listen hard as her voice was muffled in his chest.   
  
He lightly caressed her back with his hand till they broke apart. When he did he smiled at her, and gave her hand a squeeze before letting go. "No matter what, we'll always be friends," he told her.  
  
**************  
  
Looking around the assembled people, Giles could tell that the worry and tiredness was starting too weigh heavy on all of them. They had been in San Francisco for five nights now, and each night one or both of their groups had come under attack while patrolling. With only twenty-four hours till the deadline they all knew couldn't be moved, that only meant one thing. They were expected, and they would be hopelessly outnumbered. After explaining all this to the group Giles continued.   
  
"Which is why, we've come up with a change in plans," Giles stated to them all.  
  
Some of the group was caught off guard by this. Changing plans this late in the game was never the most prudent idea. Especially since everyone seemed to know the roles they were to play tomorrow night.  
  
"Are you sure, Giles?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I don't think we have any choice," Giles replied. "Believe me when I say I wouldn't suggest it, if there were any other way."  
  
"Giles is right," Angel added. "If not, we won't last ten minutes."  
  
Looking around and only seeing the odd nod from others, and no dissention, Giles continued. "We could be expecting a force of hundred's, maybe even more."  
  
"There's no way we can fight that," Cordelia said, breaking into Giles's words.  
  
"Well, yes quite," Giles answered, giving her a very stern look for interrupting. "Which is why we need to find a way to keep them all away from us till it's over."  
  
A couple of the group seemed to grasp the idea straight away, including the one person that Giles hoped would.   
  
"A barrier," Tara said.  
  
"Yes, a barrier. We've used them before, of course, but this time it will need to be bigger, and stronger."  
  
Tara nodded, turning to look at Willow, as the enormity of the power she would need to tap became obvious to her. "I'll have to start work on it now."  
  
"And it may need to be mobile," Giles added, saying each word carefully, so that no-one could mistake his tone being anything other than seriousness.  
  
"Mobile?" Willow asked, glancing at Tara, who seemed to be thinking about it still.  
  
"Well, whether we are successful or not, we are going to have to get out of an area which will presumably still be crowded with vampires and other demons."  
  
Willow simply nodded, and seeing that Tara was doing the same, said nothing more. It was just another hurdle to jump over. And even if it was a little higher that they had previously thought, they weren't going to give up now.  
  
"Well, everything else is pretty much unchanged. The only difference is that it will be up to Wesley and myself to say the spells necessary to power up the Staff and the right time. But that shouldn't be a problem," he replied, throwing Wesley a quick glance to see if he agreed.  
  
"It's actually not that powerful, magically speaking. It gets its power from what lies between dimensions. So we should have no problem with that," Wesley added.  
  
"And then Angel has to shatter the staff at the exact time?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yes, but we may have caught a break there. We think there will be around thirty seconds for Angel to do that," Wesley answered. "I know it's not an eternity, but it gives us a little leeway."  
  
"And the rest of us will, what, hopefully not be fighting anything?" Gunn queried.  
  
"If it all goes to plan than that's right," Giles answered. "But lets just say experience has taught us all to prepare for it not working out like that."  
  
"Gotcha," Buffy answered. "We keep the bad guys off Tara, Giles and Wesley, till it's time for Angel to shatter the staff." She thought about it for a moment, then added with a bit of laughter. "It sounds almost ridiculously easy."  
  
"Which is why it won't be," Angel responded solemnly.  
  
"Which is why we will still be preparing over the next 24 hours as well," Wesley added.  
  
Giles looked upon all the people he considered his charges as Wesley spoke, and it became very clear to him that one person seemed almost too silent on the issues. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Xander yet, apart from the impersonal greeting in a group or such, and it was eating away inside of him. The problem he faced was the fear that Xander's silence on some issues may cost them in the long run. And as much as he wanted to take his word, not to mention Buffy's as well, that Xander wasn't keeping anything from them, that fear still reigned inside of him.  
  
The other's were all getting up to leave. Some of them seemed to be getting ready to go on another patrol, though Giles felt it unnecessary, Angel didn't want to leave that chance un-taken. Tara, Giles was sure was going to be in contact with some of the local witches for any help she could get to perform the barrier spell. And as Xander and Dawn got up to follow, it was clear to Giles that apart from the two of them being on much friendlier terms, they were going to be accompanying Tara and Willow on their travels. He knew that now was the best, and maybe only time that he would have a chance to have the talk, he needed to have.  
  
"Xander could I speak to you for a moment?" Giles called out to him, just as he was about to walk off with the others.  
  
Xander looked over at Dawn, knowing that he had to have this talk with Giles, even if they had both hoped to spend some more time getting to know each other again. He could tell however that she seemed to understand perfectly.   
  
"I'll see you later on after we get back," she told him, obviously planning to go with Tara and Willow.  
  
Xander gave a slight nod to Dawn, letting her know he'd see her then, and then waved goodbye to the others, before turning back around to face someone who in all intensive purposes was a father figure, if not more to him.   
  
"I don't like that things aren't right between us, Xander," Giles told him when he saw they were alone.  
  
"I don't either," Xander told him.  
  
"But I know that you've kept things from us, and I can't understand why you would, with what we're facing."  
  
Xander felt like tearing his hair out. He couldn't understand why Giles couldn't grasp the simple concept that some things were private. "Giles, have you told us everything about your childhood?"  
  
"No, of course not," Giles responded.  
  
"But what if there is something there that may help us with what's coming up?' Xander asked, knowing that he was stretching the credibility a little in asking such a question.  
  
"Why would there be, and if there was I'd tell..." Giles broke off realising what he'd been led into saying. "It's not the same, Xander and you know it."  
  
"No it isn't, but unlike me, you are refusing to accept that I can tell if something would help us. What I haven't told you involves me and the people I've told, that's all," Xander told him forcibly.  
  
Giles reached up and grabbed hold of his glasses, taking them off his head, and wiping the frames with a cloth he kept in his pocket. He knew this was going no where. For whatever reason, unlike Buffy it seemed, Xander didn't have that one bit of future knowledge that he could say to convince him. It was up to him to decide now, and he knew it. He took a breath, fixing Xander in his gaze, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "And that's that then," he said.  
  
"Yes it is," Xander said firmly.  
  
Giles seemed to think about it for a second before he held his hand out. "Okay."  
  
Looking down at the outstretched hand, Xander didn't know what exactly to do. He didn't feel as though he'd settled anything, yet by Giles's action he was sure the Englishmen had decided it was over. He reached out and shook his hand, "Are we okay?"  
  
Giles nodded. "Yeah."  
  
Still not sure of how it had all been sorted out, Xander knew however that now was not the time to look a gift horse in the mouth. He hadn't planned on letting anyone know about what he decided. Part of him inside was still yelling, saying that it was a mistake to let Giles in on that confidence. But maybe it was that Giles had taken a leap of trust, or maybe it was just to get some assuredness, but as far as he was concerned it was the right time to talk to Giles about it.   
  
"Umm, listen I need to discuss something with you," Xander asked a little nervously.  
  
"Hmmm?" Giles responded.   
  
The look on Xander's face, as he opened his mouth to speak, did little to quell both Giles's curiosity and apprehension at just what Xander had to tell him.   
  
End Part 21 


	22. Twenty Two

Part 22  
  
  
The winds had picked up as nighttime fell. Blowing in off the bay, fueling each successive wave that came crashing into the rocks. One after the other, rolling, methodically, relentless, till it hit the rising floor of the bay, and branched over, crashing towards the foreshore in an almost majestic rhythm. The crescendo rose with the crash of each wave, reaching the end of it's life, filled the air with an aural accompaniment to the smell of salt and chill in the air that rose off the ocean.   
  
It did nothing more than heighten Xander's senses for what was to come. He could feel the adrenaline pulsing through his veins, fueling his body for the battle ahead. The ends of his fingers tingled, his heart thumped a little louder than usual, and he couldn't shake the almost sick feeling rising in the pit of his stomach.   
  
He looked over to his left where Dawn and Buffy were walking together, and almost without thinking reached out to grab hold of the younger Summers's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze and nodding to her, when she looked at him. The warmth that he got from the return smile did little to stem the fear he felt at the thought of anything happening to her. Beyond his feelings, and his almost lifetime wish to protect his friends, he felt uneasy. They'd just found a common bond to resurrect their friendship, and now they were voluntarily walking into something dark and evil. A dark and evil force that they all knew was planning to unleash itself on the world.   
  
He didn't let go of her hand, not even when she looked to her sister, and she made no move to separate either. Xander then looked to his other side, seeing Tara and Willow walking together, looking both determined and apprehensive. So much of this rested on Tara's ability to affect a strong impenetrable barrier. It was a load that Xander had never expected her to carry, not that he had any actual say in the plan. But once it had become obvious that the various demons and vampires knew of the impending arrival of California's second Hellmouth it became necessary to augment the original plans. The reality of being expected by the enemy they were all going up against meant that Tara's new task had taken on premium importance.   
  
In front of them, the rest of their group walked, except for Angel who followed behind, just in case anything attacked from the rear. The other problem with knowing that your enemy knew where and when you were coming, was knowing that there was some sort of trap being laid for you. In this battle there was only one place that they could be, only one place that the risky plan they'd spent the last weeks on perfecting could be attempted.   
  
And if they knew that, Xander was pretty sure the enemy would as well.  
  
The only thing they had on their side was time. If they were to survive a surprise attack of what could be hundreds of demons, Giles had realised the best chance to avoid that, head on, was to arrive earlier than their opponents were expecting. The flip side of that was they would have to be careful with their early arrival, because Tara could run out of magical energy, even taking into account whatever extra boost she may have attained in her liaison with the local Wicca's over the last twenty-four hours. The barrier had a limited shelf life. That much they did know. The exact time of that life was an unknown and as such they didn't want to employ it till the last possible moment.   
  
And now as the group, marching in carefully in a wave of three, approached the area that they had to defend, Xander could feel the tension move to an even higher level.   
  
"Buffy, Angel, Lorne" Giles called. "Remember the time frame. Once the staff reaches it power apex, you won't be able to get near enough to shatter it. You need to be inside it's field before then. Once inside, you will have about thirty seconds."  
  
They all nodded in return, and Xander observed that none of them showed any annoyance, and being reminded of the plan for possibly the hundredth time. In this situation, everyone was acutely aware how precious every second might be.   
  
He watched as Buffy took up guard in one sector, Angel to the left of her, and Gunn to the right, at a distance of around 20 feet apart. The area they were protecting was blocked at one end, by a natural wall, formed years ago by the erosion of sea and wind. At the other end, the three lead fighters fanned out, with the others forming back up behind them. Cordelia and Lorne stood a short distance behind Angel, Dawn and Xander a short distance behind Buffy, and Fred with Gunn. While it left that flank a little less defended, they had compensated for that, by assigning Gunn the smaller of the areas.   
  
Looking back and forth at each other, Xander hoped that they didn't need to test this strategy, for if the barrier didn't work, he was certain of one thing. The twelve of them would have no chance of winning. And though the hillside behind them helped in lessening the fronts they had to protect, it also meant they only had one main route to retreat to. And that would mean retreating through the attacking throng.  
  
"You okay," he asked Dawn who was swaying back and forth, almost leaning on her sword waiting for what was to come.  
  
"Yeah," she replied, smiling gently at him. "The wait's the worst part."  
  
"I hope that's true," Xander said with a grin, trying to keep the tone light.  
  
"Yeah," Dawn responded, choking back a nervous laugh.  
  
*****  
  
It took longer than expected, but after an hour, they heard it. The sound of footsteps, hundreds of them, reverberated all around, and Xander swung his head to the left and right, trying to capture any sign of what was causing it. He could see the others doing the same, but the combination of darkness and fog conspired to block any evidence of their attackers.  
  
But the sound continued. Like a galloping pride of horses, it kept coming. Closer...Closer...Closer.  
  
Then out of the white mist, the first arm appeared, followed a fraction of a second later, by the rest of the body, then another, and another, and suddenly all they could see was the rushing body of vampires and demons. Their game faces on, they looked only straight ahead, straight at what was in a very real way, humanities last lines of defense.  
  
"Tara, now!" Giles shouted. They'd left the barrier spell to the last minute to conserve energy, but having a charging army rushing at you made Xander wonder if they should've put it up earlier.   
  
They were less than fifty feet away, and even though he knew where he should be looking, Xander couldn't help but look towards Dawn. He could see the look of determination, mixed with fear clearly etched on her face. She stood there, her hands tightly gripping her favourite weapon, the sword. Held out in front of her, Xander knew she would be a formidable opponent, in many ways more than himself, but the over-riding need for him to protect her, meant that he had to fight the urge to place her safely behind him. Even he realised how that might sound to the others. He, of course was the odd one out. It was he who hadn't been fighting the darker side of night over the last few years. All around him were seasoned warriors, and if anyone would need help, odds on it would be either Lorne or himself.   
  
Not resisting a wry grin, Xander noted to himself, that it was just as it had always been. And it felt oddly right.   
  
He could just barely make out the chants that Tara intoned. As she spoke each word, he wished that the barrier would rise quicker, as the distance grew ever shorter.  
  
30 feet.  
  
"Get ready!" Buffy shouted. Xander could see in Buffy's eyes that she didn't believe the barrier would be up in time.   
  
10 feet.  
  
There was no time to even look behind to Tara now. This was it, and Xander knew that it was going to be the longest night of his life. He only hoped that he would be able to remember it, by living through till the new dawn.  
  
And they were upon them. He saw Angel and Lorne engage the front group of three vampires, taking them on before they'd made any further move into their territory. In front of him, Buffy had to wait for a fraction longer, for the second group to hit. Xander had to marvel at the way Buffy moved, spinning around and knocking one of the vampires down, while throwing a punch and connecting with another's jaw. The one that missed both of Buffy's attack's, bypassed her, and made his way towards Dawn.   
  
Xander could tell from the hideous smile on it's face, that it thought it had lucked out, and had an easy picking, but as worried as he was, Xander knew that one on one, Dawn could handle this one vampire. And before he had time to think about it anymore, the sword came down, a street light reflecting off it for a fraction of a second, before the tell tale sound of the demon's body crumbling to dust.  
  
"Charles!"  
  
Xander turned his head, to see that Fred had been surrounded by three vampires. There was still more to come, and as much as he hated to do so, he knew that was where he was needed. He ran quickly over and swung his fist around, collecting one of the vampires with a right hand haymaker, from the rear. There was no honour in this fight, and Xander was prepared to use whatever moves to survive.  
  
As he spun further around to face one of the other two that were attacking Fred, the area became bathed in an almost iridescent glow. It seemed to throw every one off for a moment. But taking advantage of the distraction, Xander and Fred both plunged their stakes into the hearts of the vampires in front of them. Taking in the satisfied look on Fred's face, he could tell that she enjoyed that as much as he did.   
  
"Go help Gunn," he told her, before turning to go back to where Dawn was. When he did, he could see that Tara's barrier had managed to keep the majority of the vampires and demons outside. A quick head count, showed that around twenty had made it inside before the barrier could come down, and against the ten of them, Xander felt confident that at least this one attack could be parried.   
  
He arrived at Dawn's side, just as two vampires, who had managed to evade Buffy's attacks, arrived. Xander did hear the sound of disintegration more than once, as he made his way over, meaning that Buffy had been successful in stopping more than one.  
  
"You think you're going to stop us, little one," one of the vampires sneered at Dawn as she stood in their way, her sword drawn defensively.  
  
"I think she will," Xander said coming along side of her. "And you really shouldn't have called her 'little one'. It really pisses her off."  
  
"Whatever," the vampire answered, then in the blink of an eye he had lunged at Dawn, the speed of the attack catching her off guard.   
  
Xander immediately went to help, but found himself being intercepted by the other vampire, knocking him away, and off balance. As he stumbled backwards, trying to regain his footing, Xander could see the approaching vampire's feet, and then his body. He thought he heard Dawn call for him, but his ears were drowned out by the pounding his blood made as it pulsed through his veins. He'd regained his level footing, just, when a punch knocked him down, and with a thud he hit the dirt. He knew that the hit had knocked him around more than was safe, and he struggled to get back to his feet, knowing that the dirt was only a position of defeat.   
  
Instinct made him roll away, hoping that it was away from any attack, and when he saw through blurred vision that the vampire had indeed tried to hit him on the ground, Xander knew that at least he'd avoided that. Rising to his feet, he wanted to move away, but his balance was still not there. His eyes slowly cleared, and in the background he saw that the others had dealt with most of the other vampires.  
  
Then he saw only blackness.  
  
***********  
  
Even as she intoned the words, Tara felt hopeless. The enemy knew where they would be, and had arrived using the natural stealth of San Francisco's weather and darkness. She knew that the barrier couldn't be performed on a whim. And when the attacking throng had appeared no more that one hundred feet away, running full steam at them, she knew that she would, time wise at least, be trying to perform a very difficult spell under the most trying conditions available.   
  
As each vampire passed the point of where the barrier should've stopped them, her own anxiety and guilt started to rise. Feeling someone touching her shoulder, she turned to see Willow there, encouraging her to keep going, and Tara realised she'd been distracted by the enemy. Concentrating even harder, she spelt out the last words clearly, and kept repeating them, waiting for the barrier to be erected.  
  
It wasn't too much later till everything was glowing, and Tara saw with satisfaction that the majority of the enemy had been kept out. She could see each of their faces clearly, lit up by the shield, as they pounded on what looked like was just a glowing light, only to find their force rebound against them two fold as they tried to hit it.  
  
"It's working," she told Willow, watching as a huge orange dome formed over their heads and gave them a safe haven of at least two hundred feet in diameter. Looking out, Tara could see the faces of their enemies distorting through the gel like barrier, as it constantly flowed and ebbed like a rocking jelly. She then looked back to Giles and Wesley to tell them of her success, but saw that they had already realised.   
  
She also became aware of the drain she already felt on her being. She'd been warned how dangerous the spell she was doing was to her own power, but never had she thought it would affect her so quickly. She only hoped that she had enough reserves till the appointed time, which by her calculations was still more then ten minutes away.  
  
"Xander!"  
  
Tara heard Dawn yell, and looked over to see Xander falling away from an attack. She could tell that he seemed to be off balance, as each time he tried to right himself, he only got so far, till the vampire hit him again. She quickly scanned the rest of the area and saw that everyone else was occupied, though not overwhelmed, as the opposing forces that had made it inside the barrier were now down to less than ten.   
  
Suddenly her optimism fell apart, as she watched in horror as Xander's body flew through the air, before hitting a rocky outcrop and falling a few feet to the ground. She wished with all her might, that he'd move, and as the vampire approached him for the final kill, she knew that she had to do something.   
  
Concentrating hard, she saw in her mind's eye, Xander's stake, forgotten a few feet away from where he lay. Seeing it rise, she turned it through sheer will alone, and let out a scream, as it flew across the short distance and rammed into the back of the vampire that had leant down, ready to finish Xander Harris's life.  
  
Satisfied that she'd saved his life, it was only then that Tara realised that in doing so, her mind had been distracted, and she could see holes forming around them all in the barrier.   
  
"Tara, what's happening?" Giles asked, worried at the scene that was unfolding in front of him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Giles. I got distracted," Tara almost squeezed the words out, now more than ever she was concentrating everything on re-filling the holes that had appeared, letting more vampires in, just when they were beginning to get on top of things.  
  
*********  
  
Buffy could hear herself sigh as the barrier went up, leaving her with an acceptable, if still very dangerous number of opponents. Two of them attacked her at once, drawing her off to the side. She tried to swivel around, letting them pass, so she could engage the other two, in an attempt to keep them all interested in only her. Four on one may not seem like a fair fight, but Buffy didn't care about being fair to the vampires. She wanted to keep as many of them as possible away from her second line of defense, which she was all too aware, consisted of Dawn and Xander.  
  
She knew just how proficient Dawn was with a sword, having trained her, herself. But she was still her sister, and that meant keeping the deadly things away from her.   
  
But as she spun around, it became all to clear to her, that the others were too far away, making their way towards Dawn and Xander, and even if Buffy could get there, the kick she had to block from one of the two remaining vampires, meant that it would take a while to do so.  
  
She jumped and tucked, flying over another kick, till she landed just beyond its thrower. Spinning her body, she connected to the back of it's head, with a vicious roundhouse kick of her own, knocking it to the ground, where in one easy hit, she plunged the stake into it.  
  
There was no time to enjoy the success, as she was grabbed from behind. She'd been grabbed in similar positions before, and knew that the vampire would be going after her neck. To bite or to snap, it made no difference to her, and she was sure that on this night, of all nights, the vampire wouldn't care either. A quick kill is all it would want.   
  
She heard her sister yell for Xander, and for a horrified second wondered what had happened, but her own survival had to take preference for the moment. Squirming around, not staying still for a moment, and looking for that one opening that would allow her to break the hold it had on her, she didn't have to wait long. The vampire over balanced, trying to compensate, and she threw her assailant over her head, holding on to it's arm as it thudded into the ground, the dirt rising a few inches from the impact.  
  
Before the vampire had a chance to react, Buffy staked it swiftly, it's own ashes mingling with the dust from the previous impact, before it had a chance to settle.  
  
Looking around quickly, she could see that Dawn was fighting off a lone vampire, while Angel and the others seemed to be fighting together, against the final group. She couldn't see where Xander was, and that worried her greatly. She ran over to Dawn, staking the vampire, before it even realised that it had just been joined in battle by the slayer.   
  
"Where's Xander?" Buffy asked her sister, breathlessly.  
  
"Over there," Dawn pointed to where Xander lay unconscious by a rock face.   
  
"Let's..." Buffy started, till she realised that the glow luminescence was lessening, as she spoke. "What's happening?" she asked her sister, as they both looked at the barrier, and saw to their horror that there were holes appearing in it.  
  
Buffy turned to where Tara and Willow were standing, and could see that Tara was clearly concentrating hard on fixing whatever went wrong. She wished briefly that Willow was able to help, but it was only a brief wish. Having Willow around as her friend was more important than such brief wishes Buffy might have, even at that moment in time.  
  
"Go and see if he's okay?" she told her sister, indicating where Xander lay.  
  
"I can't abandon you," Dawn protested.  
  
"You're not. I want us all to get through this. Make sure he's alright, then if he is come back," Buffy told her.  
  
Dawn nodded, and quickly ran over to where Xander lay. Buffy watched her go, hoping that Xander was okay. It was hard for her not to go over herself, but as soon as she had seen the barrier failing, she knew what would be coming through, and that was her place. The front line.  
  
She only hoped Tara would get it back up, before it completely failed.  
  
*********  
  
As Xander's body came clearer into view, Dawn's apprehension rose and rose. It wasn't just that Xander hadn't moved since she'd witnessed the horrifying sight of his body flying through the air and, without any bracing, hitting the rocks at full force. Now as she came closer, his body lay in a heap, blood dripping from a cut above his left eye.   
  
She knelt down next to him, not wanting to turn his body in case he's suffered any spinal injuries. She placed her hand lightly over his heart, gratified when she felt the beat of it pound back at her.  
  
"Xander," she called out to him softly, lightly rubbing her palm across his cheek. "Please, say something."  
  
There was no response, and her fears of moving him stopped her from taking any more action, she looked back to where the other's were, wondering where she should be. To her horror what had been whittled down to only three vampires, seemed to have grown to over ten. She looked further afield, and could see the reason why. They were coming through some of the bigger gaps. One at a time, but unless Tara was able to plug them, that one at a time, was threatening to become an overwhelming force.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, leaning down to kiss Xander softly on his forehead. She hated leaving him, but there was somewhere else she had to be. Getting to her feet, and picking up the sword that she'd let fall to her side, Dawn rushed off to where her sister and the others looked to be fighting a losing battle.  
  
*********  
  
"Willow, I need you," Tara gasped out, the strain of concentrating weakening her to the point where each word was a struggle.  
  
Willow looked at her girlfriend, feeling helpless. "What can I do?"  
  
Tara tried to convey to Willow, through her eyes, how important this was, knowing that her first reaction would be to say no. "I need you to hold my hand."  
  
As Tara expected, Willow took a step backwards, looking on at her partner in almost disbelief. "I can't," she stammered out, sounding more like the shy girl from high school, then the confident woman she'd grown into.  
  
"I don't want your magic, honey. I just need you," Tara implored. "I need the strength you give me, that's all."  
  
"I don't understand," Willow replied.  
  
"No time," Tara squeaked out, the strain becoming almost too much. "Willow!" she called out, holding an out stretched hand, in the hope her girlfriend would take it. The drain on her energy, becoming so much, Tara couldn't focus her sight anymore. It was taking every bit of power she had to halt the breakdown of the barriers, and even then she knew that all she was accomplishing was a slowdown of the gaps, not a reversal. She didn't know how much longer she could hold on, and was almost certain there was an opposing force, battling her from outside.   
  
Then, just as she thought she'd collapse from exhaustion, she felt warmth radiate within her. Opening her eyes, she saw that the gaps were closing in the barrier, and it was once again shining bright as before. She knew without having to look why. The warmth of the connection she felt, her hand in Willow's was the answer she needed.   
  
Turning to look at her, she could tell Willow was amazed at what happened. "How?" the red head asked.  
  
"Love is a powerful bond," Tara told her, feeling the strength of that bond very clearly now.   
  
"I don't feel scared," Willow told her.  
  
Tara knew that Willow's biggest fear was being corrupted by the magic again. The fact that she'd overcome that fear to help was testament to the bond they shared, and it was because of that bond, that Tara knew Willow was safe. "You're like my back up battery, Willow. It's magic, just a different kind," she told her with a smile. This was a magic that could never corrupt.  
  
************  
  
"Get behind us," Angel yelled to the others as Buffy and him took up the front positions to face the vampires that had already made it through the barrier.   
  
Buffy and he then launched forward, knowing that in doing so, some of their opponents would make it past, but they had confidence in the second line, and needed to spread the fight out a little.   
  
"What's up with the barrier?" Angel asked Buffy, as they moved forward, drawing most of the opposing force with them.  
  
"I don't know," Buffy replied. "Let's hope it doesn't last for long." There was no more time for conversation, as the group they had been herding away from the others, all made a break at them at once. Buffy and Angel tried to waylay most of them, but half of them made it through to where the others were waiting.   
  
"Incoming," Gunn called out to the rest of them, as he saw what was approaching. To his left, Lorne stood, looking every bit the fighter, they all knew he really wasn't. On his other side, Cordelia stood waiting. They had no time to debate any tactics, as the attacking wave arrived as one.   
  
Gunn took two of them on, knocking one of them to the ground, and hitting the other hard enough to make it back up a few paces. However four others got past him, and when he checked his six to see what happened, he saw that the others weren't having as successful a time. He joined in, turning his back momentarily from the other two, and knocked one of the vampires that had been attacking Cordelia away from them.  
  
He was about to face another one, when he felt a hit on the back of the neck, knocking him forward. His years of fighting on the street, helped him regain his balance, and as he turned around to engage his attacker, he was surprised to see it's head fall off it's body, before turning to dust. Looking to his left, he saw Dawn standing there. She had no satisfaction in her eyes, only the knowledge that there was more to do.   
  
They both turned back around and went back into the fray with the others, whom had cornered the remaining vampires in an almost circle. There were five of them, and with the five humans surrounding them, they had little choice but to try and fight there way out.   
  
A lost cause can make a dangerous enemy, and in one quick movement, they all found that out, as three of the vampires, charged at the weakest part of the group, knocking both Fred and Lorne to the ground. It was hard for Gunn to fight his natural inclination to check on his girlfriend, but they had a bigger picture. At that moment, he and the others had to dispose of the vampires before they reached Tara, Willow, Giles or Wesley. And as much as his mind might keep slipping back to his thoughts of Fred, his body was still doing what it had been doing for over a decade. Fighting what needed to fought.   
  
Two of the vampires, were staked almost immediately, as Cordelia and he both thrust their weapons into the non beating hearts of their enemies, causing them to dust simultaneously. Then as they went to attack the other three, Cordelia was picked up by one and thrown across the clearing, landing with thud on the ground.   
  
Gunn and Dawn were the only two left on their feet, and had three vampires to stop, and in the realisation of that, they didn't even know the barrier had now been reformed complete again.   
  
"You got the one on the left," Gunn whispered to Dawn.   
  
"Yeah," Dawn said breathlessly back.  
  
"Right, let's do it," Gunn said, before charging at the two on the right, effectively drawing them away from Dawn in the hope she'd be able to take down the one surviving one.  
  
It stood there looking at Dawn, as she held the sword in front of her, waiting for the vampire to lunge forward, giving her an opening to attack. Instead, catching her off guard, it turned and ran, running towards where Tara and Willow were standing.  
  
"Damn!" Dawn exclaimed, before taking off after it. She knew where it was headed, and she knew she had to stop it before it got there. Running as hard as she could, she felt every muscle straining as she extended each stride, trying to catch up.   
  
************  
  
"It's closed," Buffy shouted to Angel, as they took a step back, surveying the five remaining vampires in front of them. She didn't know why the barrier had failed, and didn't know why it was now working again. All she knew at that moment was that they only had five opponents to worry about. As tired as she felt, that was manageable between the two of them.   
  
Angel and her exchanged a look, and then stepped forward, throwing punches and kicks with frenzy and ferocity not seen before. To the vampires in front of them, each thrust was almost too quick to catch, and before they knew it, they were being forced back.   
  
Buffy jumped and spun in mid air, landing behind a couple of them, and then with the precision that came from ten years of slayer training, she landed two quick thrusts, one to each of her enemies hearts, piercing them and causing the end of their un-dead lives.   
  
At the same time, Angel had been set upon by the others, and had been fighting them off, till he found an opening, and grabbing one of the vampires with his hands, twisted it's neck and separated it's head from it's shoulders.   
  
The remaining two vampires, now backed off, seeing that they were facing opponents that were more powerful then they were.  
  
"You know, it must really suck being you at this time," Buffy quipped seeing the vampires back away from her and Angel. For the first time this night she actually thought that they might have a chance.  
  
"You will die, slayer," one of the vampires spat out at her.  
  
"God, don't you ever change your tune," Buffy said in disbelief, her hands on her hips, almost lecturing them.  
  
"We're not finished yet," the other one countered.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, "Yeah, whatever, I'm bored now."   
  
She made her move forward, Angel at her side.   
  
************  
  
Tara watched wide-eyed as the vampire approached them, running at full speed. She could see Dawn behind it, slowly catching up. But as she got closer with each stride, Tara knew Dawn wouldn't be close enough to make it in time. She only hoped that with Willow's boost, she would have enough power to do what she had to do, and keep the barrier strong.  
  
"Will," Tara called out to her girlfriend, letting her know what was coming.   
  
As she followed Tara's gaze, Willow quickly saw the problem, but found no ready solution in her head. Magic was out of the question. Tara energies were directed totally into keeping the barrier together, even with Willow's own boost. Which was something she knew they would be looking into later. Looking around, she had only one idea.  
  
Picking up a handful of sand, she waited till the vampire came with throwing distance, and then with as much care as possible, threw at it. She didn't know if the vampire got irritated eyes from the sand, had a morbid fear of it, or was just stunned that she'd used such a technique. But in the short moments when it stopped, looking at her stunned, she guessed it was the latter.   
  
Either way the moment wasn't long as Willow watched as the flash of cold steel separated it's head from it's body.   
  
Through the falling ashes, Tara saw Dawn looking exhausted but satisfied at her success. Their eyes met for a moment and they both knew where their thoughts were.  
  
"Go and check on him," Tara told her.   
  
Dawn nodded, simply too tired to say anything at that point. She looked behind and saw that Gunn had taken care of the remaining vampires and was now tending to their fallen friends. All of whom seemed to be okay, and were moving, if only slightly.  
  
Reaching Xander, the first thing she noticed was he had moved from how he'd been lying before. A sign that Dawn hoped meant that he was conscious.   
  
"Xan?" she asked tentatively and she knelt down and picked up his hand, holding it between her two palms gently.  
  
When she got no response, she called his name again. This time she was rewarded with a sigh and a gentle squeeze on her hand. She couldn't stop herself from crying at what was the first sign that Xander was all right.  
  
********  
  
"I..."  
  
Buffy hit out at the vampire in front of her.  
  
"am..."  
  
And again.  
  
"so..."  
  
One more time.  
  
"sick of you," she shouted as she delivered the final blow to the last remaining vampire, her arm staying outstretched as the vampire turned to dust all around it.  
  
She stood there for a moment, looking at what they had done, noticing that just a little distance away, but behind the barrier, more vampires looked on, looking for any opening to make their way through. She turned her head, as she felt a hand on her shoulder, giving Angel a smile when she saw it was him.  
  
"Is everyone else okay?" she asked.  
  
Angel shook his head. "I'm not sure. Most of them got hit pretty bad," he told her, before they both ran over to where Gunn, Fred, Cordelia and Lorne were situated. Lorne seemed to be knocked out, but the others were conscious if not all that active.   
  
"Is everyone okay?" Buffy asked.  
  
Gunn looked up from where he was attending to Fred. "Bumps and bruises," he told her. "Lorne's out of it. Where's Xander and Dawn?"  
  
Buffy looked around, and for a moment couldn't see them, till she saw in the distance, Dawn leaning over what seemed to be a still prone Xander. "Oh god!" she stated, before taking to run over. Her dash was halted after two paces, when an almighty roar switched all their heads back to where the barrier was.   
  
Unlike the vampires they had been fighting, these demons were over seven feet tall, and reptilian in appearance. Hands had been replaced by large claws, each one looking sharp enough to cut them in two with one stroke. Fortunately there was only two of them, but to the amazement of them all, they seemed to be walking through the barriers. It was slow going, but bit by bit, as if the barrier was a gel like substance, more and more of the bodies appeared.  
  
"Buffy," Angel called out to her.   
  
They both knew where they had to be.  
  
*********  
  
Dawn heard the roar, and looked back over her shoulder to see Buffy and Angel run back to where they'd been fighting. She wished that it were over, and cast a glance to Giles and Wesley, wondering how much longer they had to wait till casting the spell that was the main reason for them being here.  
  
"Dawn!"  
  
Xander's voice, even the croaky rasping one that accompanied those words, were like music to her ears, and her attention was straight back on her injured friend.   
  
"Xander, are you okay?" she asked, immediately wishing she hadn't asked such a stupid question.  
  
Even through the haze of his vision, Xander could see the worry on Dawn's face, and his automated need to cheer her up kicked in. "It's okay, I just hit my head, I think," he told her, trying to sound cheerful, as he raised himself up by one arm. "How's everyone else?"  
  
Dawn looked back over her shoulder, ignoring Xander's attempts at humour for the moment, to see that Gunn was still attending to the rest of them. They didn't seem to badly injured but all showed the signs of the fight they'd been in. "Buffy and Angel just took off again," she told him.  
  
"Help me up," he told her.  
  
"No! You should stay still," Dawn cried back.  
  
"Normally I would agree with you, Dawnie. But, we can't afford to be so far apart from everyone else."  
  
Dawn was about to protest further, but could see that Xander was determined to move with or without her help. That being the case, she wasn't going to let him go alone. "Here lean on me," she told him, letting him drape his arm over her shoulders, before they walked off slowly but surely to where the others were.  
  
************  
  
Giles and Wesley had been watching the scene evolve in front of them, feeling impotent at their lack of action. But they'd all agreed that they couldn't risk either of them not being in place when the time came.   
  
And now was that time.  
  
They stood on either side of the staff, which they previously planted into the ground, directly above where the Hellmouth was expected to break through. Opening the book, they each read from it. As each word passed their lips that staff started to vibrate, shaking the ground they were standing on.  
  
************  
  
"Xander, man. Are you okay?" Gunn asked, as he noticed Dawn and Xander arrive at their group. The dried blood on Xander's face and Dawn's support both giving Gunn indicators of his friend's condition.  
  
"I'll be okay," Xander replied, noting that Lorne was not moving. "Where's Buffy and Angel?"  
  
"They took off that way," Gunn answered, pointing over his shoulder. "I should go and see if they need help. You all right here?"  
  
Xander nodded. "Go."  
  
He could see both Buffy and Angel a short distance away, fighting against two demons he'd never seen before, and he hoped Gunn would be able to help. Turning around he could see that Giles and Wesley had started the preparation for the final part of their plan. And by the looks of it, they weren't far away from the end game.   
  
A realisation hit Xander as those facts ran over and over in his head. Casting another glance back to Buffy and Angel he hoped that they would finish those demons off quickly and get back to where they needed to be.  
  
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked, seeing the look of worry on Xander's face.  
  
"I hope nothing," Xander replied.  
  
Dawn was going to protest, but thought better of it. Instead she held him close to her. She knew that they weren't out of trouble yet, but if Giles's plan worked, the worst of it was over for now.  
  
*************  
  
Giles finished his last line of the spell, and as Wesley recited his, he looked over to where the others were. It became obvious that the two people that were needed at this point were not there. Looking further on, he could see them, along with Gunn battling two demons. Demons, which unlike their lesser vampire cousins, seemed a lot more resolute.  
  
Wesley looked over to where the others were gathered, seeing with anguish that Lorne seemed to be ruled out for the job that was to come. Shaking his head, he looked further afield for the others. "Where are they?" Wesley asked, not seeing where Giles was looking.  
  
"They're tied up at present," Giles replied.  
  
"We've only got minutes," Wesley protested.  
  
"I know that," Giles answered, watching as the staff gained power and started to glow a bluish white. He could tell by the increase of vibrations that they were almost at full power.  
  
"Giles, we're almost out of time," Wesley stated, his voice rising to raise it self about the noise emanating from the staff's vibrations.  
  
"I know," Giles responded softly, averting his gaze towards Xander. He was not surprised, to see sadly, that Xander was looking back at him.  
  
************  
  
Buffy let loose with a jumping spin kick, catching one of the beasts under its chin, and sending it falling down to the ground. Without wasting any time, she jumped on it, and kicked it savagely in the head, hearing the tell tale sound of it's neck crack, letting her know that one of them was down for the count.  
  
She rolled away quickly, ready to help Angel and Gunn who had taken on the other demon, when in the corner of her eyes, she could see a light glowing from where Wesley and Giles were situated. That meant only one thing to her. Angel was not where he needed to be.  
  
Leaping over and throwing a flurry of punches, ducking after a few to avoid a slash from the beast's claws, she proceeded to knock the demon back a bit, away from her friends.   
  
"It's time, Angel," she told him.  
  
"You'll be all right?" he asked turning to face her.  
  
Buffy gave him a nod, "Go, now! We'll take care of this."  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw it just for a fraction of a second.  
  
"Look out..."  
  
Her warning came to late, as the beast had managed to move quicker than either of them had thought possible. It knocked Gunn out of the way, and in almost the same movement slashed forward with its right claw, impacting into Angel's side.   
  
By the time Angel had hit the ground, Buffy was back into the fray. She knew that she was the only line of defense left, and this monster was not getting near her friends.   
  
*********  
  
"Damn!" Giles shouted as he watched Angel go down and Buffy's subsequent attack. "How much time?" he shouted at Wesley.  
  
"We're almost out of it," the younger Englishman replied. "Where's Angel or Buffy?"  
  
"They're not going to make it," Giles told him, his eyes now falling on Xander.  
  
"I'll do it," Wesley announced.  
  
Giles shook his head. "You'll die."  
  
"Someone has to," Wesley shouted back.   
  
"Hopefully not," Giles answered, his gaze not shifting, as Xander's words to him yesterday rang even clearer in his head. Slowly and a little sadly, he nodded slightly in the younger man's direction.   
  
**********  
  
Xander took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he needed to do. "Dawn, help me up," Xander called to her.  
  
Lifting him under his shoulder, she helped Xander to his feet, wondering why. "Where are you going?" she asked.  
  
"I need your sword," Xander replied.  
  
"Why?" Dawn asked, something in Xander's eyes worrying her more than his words.  
  
"Please, love. There isn't much time," Xander replied, casting another glance to Giles and seeing that he got a slow nod in return.  
  
Dawn followed the look, and the words Xander used, slowly sunk in as the reality of what was happening hit her hard. "No! I won't let you. That's for Angel," she shouted back at him.  
  
"Angel isn't here, nor is Buffy," he told her gently. " And Lorne is still unconscious," he added, looking over to where Fred was checking on him. Lorne may not have been Xander's favourite being, but it was stranger to see someone who is usually so alive, be silent and still.   
  
"It has to be me, don't you understand. I'm the only one that has a chance."  
  
"No!" Dawn yelled at him, though she didn't move to stop him, when he reached down and took her sword. When he grabbed it from her hands, she let out an anguished shriek, feeling as though her link to him was being broken.   
  
"I love you," he told her, leaning over and kissing her on the lips for a few seconds. He could've stayed there for minutes, hours, but by the look on Giles face previously, they were into the final countdown, and that meant they had no more seconds to spare, even if his heart was breaking at the thought of walking away from her.   
  
He passed Tara and Willow as he did, and could see the look of horror on their faces. He tried to tell them with a simple smile, that it would be okay, but he knew they weren't buying any of it.  
  
Reaching the staff, he looked both of the ex-watchers in the eye. "How long?"  
  
"The staff will hit full power in about thirty seconds, then you have another thirty seconds to do it," Giles replied. "Are you sure?"  
  
Xander nodded. "I was told that only a demon or myself could survive the power from this staff." He looked them both square on. "It's more of a chance than you have."  
  
He looked down to where his friends were watching him, finding it difficult to break the contact he made with Dawn. Her emotions were burning a hole into his being, and it took all of his effort, not to run down and hold her.   
  
"Get them to safety," he told Giles.  
  
Giles nodded, placing his hand on Xander's shoulder and squeezing it slightly, before turning and hurrying to where Tara and Willow were. Xander watched as they motioned for the two women to follow them over to the others. It brought his eyes once again into contact with Dawn's.  
  
********  
  
With a crunch, Buffy twisted her hands, hearing at the same time the sound that signified her assailant was deceased. Looking over to where Angel was trying to get up, she rushed to help Gunn who was letting Angel lean on him.  
  
"We've got to get to Giles!" she yelled at him.  
  
Angel nodded, and looked up to where the staff was glowing.  
  
"Oh no," he gasped, his eyes going wide as he saw the scene moving in front of him.  
  
Following his line of sight, Buffy swung around to see what had worried him so, and saw to her horror what was occurring. Before anyone could stop her, she took off, running as hard as she could towards the others.  
  
"Xander! No!' she shouted as she ran.   
  
Her voice rang out through the night, seeming to be a level above the noise resulting from the staff's vibrations. Buffy continued to shout as she reached the others, only to be held back by Giles.  
  
"Let go of me!" she screamed at him.  
  
"You're too late, Buffy. Time ran out," Giles pleaded with her.  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to scream at him again, but there was something in his eyes, that stopped her. "We can't let him die?" she pleaded, throwing her sister a look, as she did, wondering what sort of pain she was going through.  
  
"I really hope he won't," Giles told her. Seeing that his slayer was about to argue again, he added, "It was his decision, Buffy. For you, for all of us."  
  
Buffy stood and stared at Giles for a few moments, letting the ramifications of what Giles had told her sink in. But only for a few moments. She needed to face him. She needed to be by her sister's side.   
  
She stepped over and wrapped her arms around her sister, watching as Xander became engulfed in both the light emanating from the staff, and the dimensional disturbance caused by the approaching Hellmouth.   
  
*****  
  
Even with all the dimensional forces swarming around him, Xander couldn't take his gaze from Dawn. He mouthed the words, "I love you," to her, before he started to feel the staff become fully operational. He knew that it was time. Below him the Hellmouth was opening, and within minutes, it would erupt, bringing down the Golden Gate Bridge, and unleashing hell on earth.  
  
Xander could not let that happen.  
  
He raised the sword above his head and brought it down swiftly, sending it through the top of the staff, shattering it into pieces.  
  
And his world went white.  
  
End Part 22 


	23. TwentyThree

Part 23  
  
The moment seemed to last forever. Time had no meaning anymore for Dawn. She was lost, staring deep into the never ending pools of dark brown, eyes that were locked with hers, not wavering from the connection it shared. It would've been so easy to stay in that second, never moving her gaze, but she was sure that deep in those eyes, he was trying to talk to her. Almost having to will herself to do so, she pulled her focus back until Xander's whole face filled her view. And then, if he suddenly knew she could see him, he mouthed some words to her.   
  
At once, Dawn knew what they were. And it hit her harder than any of the hits she'd taken so far that night.  
  
"I love you."  
  
It was simple enough, and not the first time that he'd said such words to her. But where as other times had given her butterflies, or a warm feeling inside, this time she felt fear. There was something about the way his eyes looked at her. Dawn couldn't be sure, but it looked like he thought that he'd never be able to say the same to her again. And that scared her more than the thought of the barrier falling.   
  
She wanted to scream out to him, telling him to come back to her. Yell at him that Buffy was the one that had to do this. Anything to make him come down and wrap his arms around her, and be safe. Just as she was about to rush forward to him, she felt someone wrap their arms around her, pulling her closer into their body. Looking to her left, Dawn saw that Buffy had made it back. Thinking that Buffy could now do what she was meant to do, Dawn started to tell Buffy to get up there, but the look on her sister's face stopped her words almost as soon as they left her mouth. Buffy looked like she was dying from the inside, and it halted any words coming from Dawn's mouth almost as soon as she'd said them.  
  
She spun around, realising that she'd turned her attention away from Xander. It may have only been a few seconds, but she could feel each precious single one of them, as if they were body parts being slowly ripped away from her body. When her gaze fell on Xander she gasped in shock at seeing what a difference those few grains of time had made. The atmosphere around him, shimmered, the ground was vibrating, and the staff pulsed a white light, that blocked nearly all features of Xander each time it ebbed.   
  
Still somehow, she could make out those wonderful eyes, still holding their stare on her features. Now in the last moments, they reassured her. Fear was useless now. She longed to call out to him. Tell him that she wished that they'd spent more time together than just the last week. Tell him that she loved him. But before she could open her mouth, she felt his focus move.   
  
And then in an instant, Dawn's favourite sword, came crashing down through the top of the staff.  
  
Then she couldn't see anything at all.  
  
Pure white. No blemishes. No shadows, no yellow tingeing. Just white, like the purest and newest of snow falls.   
  
She heard what she would have to classify as an explosion, but as she braced herself for the following blast to knock her down, it never came. There was only the sound, which built up and up, before fading away. As if it had simply lost its power.   
  
"Buffy!" she called out to her sister. That Buffy's arms were still wrapped around her body at least told Dawn that her sister was there. And unless her arms had suddenly grown at an almighty rate, she was less than a foot away. But in this white-out Dawn couldn't tell, and yelling seemed to be the best idea. But now she needed some words from her to reassure her of the same.   
  
"I'm here," Buffy yelled back. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," Dawn responded, her voice a little lower. "I can't see anything."  
  
She felt her sister squeeze a little harder on her. "Same here," she told her, and it was reassuring for Dawn to hear that she hadn't gone blind.  
  
She looked out onto the vacant landscape, knowing that a short distance away, at least she hoped, was Xander. But there were no features anywhere in her vision to tell her where.   
  
Then almost imperceptibly she felt certain she could see some shapes forming out of the white wash. Dawn squinted, hoping to bring those shapes into context, and then she was sure she could see the rock face that was behind where she'd last seen Xander. She spun her head around to see if her sister saw the same. When she did, she saw her sister's face for the first time since Xander had brought the sword down. Seeing that Buffy was looking around at other things, she followed her gaze, and was grateful to make out the slowly moving forms of their friends, coming through the whiteness.   
  
She moved out of Buffy's grasp, gingerly making her way towards where she hoped Xander would be. With each step forward, things became clearer. The area now resembled a television whose brightness and contrast controls had broken. Even though she started to see even smaller features in the landscape, but more importantly it brought a clearer view of the area where she'd last seen Xander.   
  
But as it became even clearer, it also became just as clear of one major fact. Xander was not there.   
  
Dawn couldn't help the fear she felt giving voice. "Xander!" she screamed, her voice echoing off the rock face, and back across the rapidly darkening foreshore of the southern end of the Golden Gate Bridge Park.  
  
She didn't wait for more than a few seconds, before crying out again. "Xander!"  
  
This time the panic in her voice was clearer.  
  
She felt someone grab for her shoulder and brightened immediately, her voice full of hope. "Xander..."  
  
But her face fell, when she saw it was Buffy.   
  
"He's got to be here somewhere, Dawn," Buffy told her softly, but Dawn could tell that her sister was hiding her own fears.   
  
As Dawn looked past Buffy, she caught the others a distance behind. It was obvious that they were all trying to make sure everyone was okay. When her gaze settled on Tara, Dawn thought of another problem. They had no idea if the barrier was still operating. "Buffy, the barrier?" she asked, not so much expecting an answer, but more to alert her to the possible danger that could be lurking just outside the whiteout.  
  
Buffy nodded, knowing exactly what Dawn was saying. "I'll go see. You keep looking, okay?"  
  
If Dawn didn't have very much more important things on her mind, she would've told Buffy very succinctly just how much she didn't need to be told to look for Xander. As it was, she simply nodded, and started moving slowly over to the left of where she's seen Xander last, hoping that once she made sure the Barrier was safe, Buffy would be back with others.  
  
Five minutes later despair was starting to fill Dawn's mind as each passing second fleeted by with no sign of Xander. Moving to the area, small as it was, behind where she's seen him last, she almost made the mistake of not looking closely enough, when she just registered something that made her swing her head back to double check.  
  
"Oh my god!" she gasped, as she recognised the dark brown hair that was just showing above the rocks in front of it.  
  
"Buffy!" she shouted as she ran over to where she'd seen him. When she got closer, it became obvious how he'd almost been missed. He wasn't buried by any of the rocks, but whatever the force was that had hit him and thrown him backwards, it had deposited his body into what was a shallow gully. In front of him was loose boulders, blocking anyone's view unless they were either on top of him, or intuitive. If not for his head sitting a few inches above the rock line, Dawn wouldn't have seen him either.  
  
She carefully avoided touching him, as she jumped down into the gully to where he rest. She brought her fingers up to his neck, trying to find the carotid artery, hoping against hope that she would receive a welcome beat in return. She could feel herself start to panic, as she struggled to feel the pulse she so desperately needed. As she got more agitated she became less clinical in searching for the artery, till almost by chance, she found it, and let out a cry when she got the return she so desperately craved.   
  
All of her stress came flooding out in that one instant and tears that she didn't even know had been building up, fell freely from her eyes. She continued to keep one hand on his neck, not wanting to let go of the tangible evidence that he was alive, while she wrapped the other around him. If she could've, she would have willed every part of her own life force into him at that moment, and even though she knew that wasn't possible, she was doing her best to put a theory into practice by sheer will alone.  
  
"Dawn!"  
  
She could hear Giles voice yelling for her in the near distance. Raising herself up, so that she could see over the top of the rocks as well as letting Giles see where she was, she called out. "He's over here!"  
  
When she was sure that Giles had heard her, she directed her attention back down to the unconscious man beside her. Grabbing one of his hands she pulled it up gently to her lips and kissed it.  
  
"Please wake up," she implored him. "Please."  
  
"Dawn."  
  
She heard his voice at the same time that she felt Giles place his hand on her shoulder, indicating to her, that she should move so he could check Xander out. Dawn looked up at him, and shook her head slowly. She wasn't letting go.  
  
"You can still hold onto his hand," he told her gently, and Dawn was happy to not detect a patronising tone in any of his words.   
  
This time Dawn nodded, moving back a little to let Giles have room. She watched closely, as Giles took Xander's pulse and listened to his breathing. The look of worry that seemed permanently etched on the face of the man she looked upon as her father did nothing to ease her own concerns.  
  
"We have to get him to a hospital," he told her after finishing his check.  
  
"Can we risk moving him?" Dawn asked.  
  
Giles shook his head sadly. "I don't think we have a choice."  
  
Dawn's need to ask further questions, was interrupted by the arrival of Buffy and Gunn. "Something's up. All the vampires, including Angel are unconscious."  
  
"Well that's...' Giles paused. "Interesting, but let's not worry about that now. For whatever reason we have a chance to get out of here. Gunn, you and I take his legs, Buffy..." He indicated to her to take Xander's other end.  
  
Further in the distance, Dawn could see the others carrying Angel. She wondered if he'd been injured in the attack, or if he'd been affected like the other vampires. Whatever the reason, she did notice that Lorne was helping to move him, making her wonder why the green skinned demon was still conscious when all around his like were out to the world. But that was as much as she thought about it. She had much more important things to worry about.   
  
When they reached Tara and Willow, they decided to bring the barrier down. It was plainly obvious to Dawn that Tara was on the brink of exhaustion from her efforts. That, coupled with the look of dread that matched Dawn's own when she saw them carrying Xander, and there wasn't any real choice but to relieve her of that burden.   
  
"Is he?" Tara asked fearfully, after ending the barrier incantation.  
  
Dawn shook her head. "He's alive." She could tell Tara knew from the way everyone wasn't smiling that it was a cold comfort at that point.   
  
When the barrier shimmered away to nothing, they commenced the short walk to where they'd parked the cars. It seemed surreal to Dawn to be walking through what was almost a sea of vampires, as they lay unmoving on the ground. Taking each careful step, one at a time, hoping that whatever had rendered them all unconscious wasn't about to wear off, while they were still half way to the cars.   
  
The fog that had rolled in off the water thinned out as they walked further inland. Dawn kept her eyes on Xander, not wanting him to leave her train of sight. Those minutes when she'd been looking for him were some of the longest of her young life, and it was an experience she didn't want to go through again. Reaching the cars, Giles helped the others place Xander in the back, trying to put him as carefully as possible on the seat, before he turned to the others.  
  
"You take Angel back to the motel," he said indicating to Lorne, Fred, and Gunn. "We'll be at the hospital."  
  
Dawn saw Gunn nod briefly, but was already making her way into the car, making sure that no matter what happened, there was only one car she was traveling in.   
  
**********  
  
Dawn looked up with a start. A bit of movement catching her eye, before realising that it was just the movement to Xander's chest up and down as he breathed that had made his sheet move a little. Realising that she was too worked up, she took a deep breath, trying to smooth over the sharp edges in her heart.   
  
At least now, she was able to stay with him. The hour long wait, while various medical staff, looked over him, and at the same time, disallowed anyone else to be with him, had seemed like an eternity. No one had made an objection to her being able to stay with him, once the Doctors said it was okay, and for that she was grateful. The edge she felt she was balancing on at present did not need a dissenting voice to tip her over it.  
  
She couldn't believe how peaceful he looked. But as serene as he did look, she still couldn't imagine that he was sleeping. It wasn't the drip in his arm, or the monitors on his chest that made that impossible. It wasn't event the bland white sheets, mixing well with the bland white room and all too well lit fluorescent lights above that hummed a very low buzz. As artificial as all that was, it wasn't the main reason.   
  
No. It just smelled like a hospital. Sterile, cold. Xander was such a warm person, even with all that had happened in his life. And for him to be peaceful in such an atmosphere, where Dawn was sure someone had used an anti-bacterial cleaner to the nth degree, was too much of a stretch even for her most ardent wish to accept.   
  
"Please come back to me," Dawn whispered to him.   
  
"Don't leave us," she pleaded, hoping that somehow he could hear her.   
  
She didn't want to sound too needy. If Xander could hear her, all she wanted him to know was that there were people here that loved him very much. But she needed him as well. And there was a part of her that really wondered if she had the right to have that need. And even if she did, she doubted it was a good enough reason to lump that onto Xander as well.   
  
She heard the door open behind her, and turned her head to see that it was Tara whom had stepped inside. She could tell from the look on the witch's face that she was treading carefully. Something that Dawn felt, out of everyone, including herself, Tara should not have to do.  
  
"Can I come in?" Tara asked, not taking any further steps.  
  
Dawn gave her the biggest smile she could in the situation, and indicated for her to come over as she replied. "Of course"  
  
"No change?" Tara asked.  
  
Dawn shook her head. She knew that Tara knew there wasn't any change, and was just trying to put her at ease. She looked over at her friend. "Are you okay?"  
  
Tara shrugged. "I feel exhausted, but physically I'm fine." Dawn looked at her, wondering if she'd missed something. "I got checked out earlier," Tara told her filling the question, Dawn had wondered.  
  
"What about everyone else?" Dawn asked.   
  
"We just heard from Gunn. Angel is still unconscious, but seems to be okay. He and Fred had a few scratches but they're okay as well," Tara replied.   
  
"What about the others?" Dawn asked, leaning her head towards the waiting area outside.   
  
"Cordelia needed some stitches, and Buffy has some bruising. Willow, Giles and Wesley all seemed to come through with out any injuries," Tara told her.  
  
Dawn had studied Tara closely from the time that she'd entered the room, and even as she was speaking she could tell that the witch's attention was primarily on the other person in the room. The one who was unable to notice it. There was a guilt she felt inside that Dawn wished wasn't there, and she felt compelled to say something. "I'm sorry, Tara," she told her. "I shouldn't have barged in here, without giving you a chance to come in as well."  
  
"It's okay, he needs you here." Even though Tara's words dismissed Dawn's suggestion, the almost angelic smile that Tara gave her, eased the feeling of guilt Dawn had been fighting.   
  
"I think that he needs us all," Dawn replied. "But you and he, you're really close now?" Dawn had never talked to either of them in depth about the friendship that had built since Xander's return to Sunnydale. Not all that surprising when she remembered that she basically ran away from Xander for most of that time. But it was plainly clear to her, that Tara and Xander were very close. She'd seen her defend him on numerous occasions, and saw Xander's face fall when he felt Tara had been falsely accused about something. She'd been the one doing that once as well.   
  
Tara peered down at Xander again wishing for nothing more than for him to open his eyes, and smile his goofy grin at her. "I care a great deal for him, yes," Tara replied to Dawn's question. "Next to Willow, he's my best friend. You know what I mean?"  
  
Nodding in response, Dawn answered. "Yeah, I do. I miss that."  
  
"I think that you'll get it back," Tara replied, before smiling a little, as she recognised the look in Dawn's eyes. "You love him don't you?"  
  
"I always have, in some way," Dawn replied softly. "At the moment, I'd just settle on him waking up."  
  
"I know. We all do, sweetie."  
  
Silence encompassed them for the next few moments. The conversation had wound back to Xander's unconsciousness and there wasn't a lot to discuss about that. A thought occurred to Dawn as she wondered about the circle this all seemed to have taken.  
  
"Is this how it was last time?" Having not been present at the battle in the clearing of Sunnydale, a battle that seemed more than a lifetime ago, Dawn wondered if it was following a similar pattern.  
  
"No, that time he disappeared and then reappeared later," Tara answered.  
  
"What if he's forgotten everything again?"  
  
"We won't know till he wakes up. But even if that has happened, at least he'll be alive."  
  
"Yeah," Dawn replied, thinking about it. Thinking about the mental agony that Xander went through over the last few years. It wasn't something that she hoped he would have to endure again.   
  
********  
  
The chairs in the waiting area did little to soothe the aching body of Buffy Summers as she waited for either Giles to return from making his phone call, or Dawn to emerge from Xander's room. She had thought about going in and getting her out, but she knew Dawn was where she wanted to be, and forcibly removing her was not something Buffy was inclined to do.  
  
To her left, Cordelia sat with Wesley. Each of them fighting the need for sleep, while still not wanting to leave the hospital before finding out what the news was. On her other side, Willow sat by herself, after Tara had gone into Xander's room a minute or so earlier. She felt a little for Willow. Xander had been her best friend through childhood and into High School. Even then when other people came on the scene, they still had a bond to fall back on. But five years ago, when this all started, there was no longer that bond. And since his return Tara and now Dawn, seemed to have jumped ahead of her in those stakes.   
  
Not to mention herself, she thought.   
  
Not that she didn't feel close to Xander anymore. And it wasn't that she was feeling jealous. It was just weird. And she imagined that it was much the same for Willow as well.  
  
Looking up, she saw Giles returning from down the corridor, and gave him as welcoming of a smile as she could manage at that time.  
  
"What's the what?" Buffy asked, when Giles took the seat next to her.  
  
"Well, no-one is sure for certain, except that that the Hellmouth certainly didn't open in San Francisco last night. But the Council, is..." Giles paused. "The council is skeptical of what, and I quote, a non educated civilian, said was to happen, so they don't see the non-appearance of the Hellmouth as a huge event, because to them it wasn't meant to appear in the first place."  
  
"You mean since they didn't see it coming they're not acknowledging it in the first place?" Buffy asked incredulously.  
  
"Well, no. But no matter. We should know within a few days," Giles told her, but even Buffy could tell that he was trying to be upbeat.   
  
"You knew, didn't you?"  
  
The softness of Buffy's voice did little to hide the accusation behind it. Nor did her eyes, which continued to stare at Giles, as he answered.  
  
"About Xander, yes I did," he replied gently.  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to object to the secrecy, but seeing the look on Giles's face she couldn't get the words out. Instead she shook her head, and looked away. Inside she was a mixture of emotions. Anger, sorrow and joy all swirled around in her head. But most of all she felt helpless. One of her best friends was unconscious in the room next door, and she not only could do nothing abut it, but it seemed to her that he'd planned on his actions all the time.   
  
And kept it hidden from her.  
  
"There wasn't any other choice," Giles told her, not knowing at the time, that by re-opening the conversation, he was letting Buffy's emotions have a way out after she'd decided to let them settle.   
  
"And who decided that, Giles?" she asked him straight.  
  
"Buffy, for whatever reason, Xander had remained unaffected by the power Krostoff used twice before. It wasn't meant to happen, only demons were meant to be able to survive, but somehow he did," he told her, hoping to jog her memory of things that Xander had told them all before.  
  
"He's still unconscious, Giles, and this was not the same as before."  
  
Giles nodded his head slightly. "No, you are right. It was different. But Xander felt that if Angel or Lorne were unable to do what needed to be done, he was the next safest choice."   
  
Buffy shook her head again, picturing clearly in her mind Xander saying what he said to Giles. "It wasn't his job."  
  
"Maybe it was, Buffy."   
  
Buffy gave Giles a look of incredulity, before Giles continued.   
  
"Maybe the Powers That Be, organised this all. Allowed Xander to survive so he could do this. Maybe that was his job."  
  
"You don't really believe that?" Buffy asked.  
  
"No, I don't. Personally, I think that Xander thought that he had one little advantage over yourself, and there was no way he was going to risk you not surviving this." Giles smiled a little sadly, remembering the conversation from the night before.  
  
"I wish that he would've talked to me," Buffy said, looking again towards the door to his room. The sudden thought that she might not have a chance to talk to him again hit her. "He's going to be okay, isn't he?"  
  
Giles reached over and hugged her, soothing her as much as he could with his words. "I really hope so, Buffy. I really hope so."  
  
"Umm, excuse me?"  
  
Both Buffy and Giles, along with the other friends present looked up as one. In front of them was one of the Doctors that had treated Xander earlier.   
  
"Yes, Doctor, is there any news?" Giles asked,  
  
"No, I'm sorry. But we don't expect any change over night. I just came to tell you that you should all go home and get some rest."  
  
"I'm not leaving," Buffy responded.  
  
The Doctor held up his hands, not wanting to have an argument. "We'll keep you all posted if there is any change, but you all look like you need to sleep."  
  
"Yes, you're right," Giles responded. "Can you give us a few minutes to get everyone together?"  
  
"Of course," the Doctor replied, before turning and walking away.  
  
"Giles!" Buffy started to protest.  
  
"No, Buffy, he's right. We need to rest, and they'll call if there is any change." Giles could see that his words weren't having the desired effect. "There's nothing that you can do for him here?"  
  
"And there is back at the motel?"  
  
"Yes, you can look after yourself," Giles replied. "Something that Xander would wish for you to do as well."  
  
Buffy was going to argue again, but the use of Xander's name made her stop. Her mouth broke into a wry smile. "That wasn't fair," she told him.  
  
"You're right, it wasn't. But," he replied, indicating to the door, "you will need the same if you are going to get your sister out of there."  
  
Buffy could only nod at that. "I think I will need a lot more," she told him. With a last glance at her watcher, she walked over to the door and opened it. Inside, Tara and Dawn looked up immediately, and each of them smiled when they saw whom it was.  
  
"No change?" Buffy asked.  
  
Dawn shook her head.  
  
"The Doctor's want us to go home and get some sleep," Buffy told them, but before she had a chance to say anymore, Dawn turned away.  
  
"I'm staying."  
  
Buffy could see Tara giving her a look of sympathy, and while Buffy was grateful, she hoped that Tara might help with a little verbal reasoning as well. She walked over and gently laid her hand on Dawn's shoulder.  
  
"They'll call us if there is any change."  
  
Dawn shook her head, but this time faced Buffy. "I can't...if something happens..."  
  
"You need to sleep, Dawn,' Buffy implored her. "If for no other reason than being able to stay awake when Xander does regain consciousness."  
  
Rolling her eyes at that, Dawn responded. "I thought you would have a better reason than that."  
  
"How about the fact that Xander would want you to be okay. And that means getting some sleep. Besides the hospital can kick us out if they really want to force the issue. At least this way we can come back early in the morning."  
  
Dawn turned her head to look at Xander before answering. "If something happens..."  
  
Walking over to her sister, Buffy wrapped an arm around her, turning Dawn back to face her. "He'll be okay. Let's look after ourselves for a few hours okay?"  
  
Slowly Dawn nodded her acceptance, and even though she turned to look at Xander again, she followed her sister and Tara out the door.  
  
*******  
It seemed so long ago now, but as Buffy sat on the balcony looking out over the skyline as the sun rose, she found it hard to believe that it was only a few short days ago that Xander and her had sat here and talked. At the time, she was filled with worry and fear, and now...now she just felt helpless. Remembering the words he'd told her that night, she looked back into her memory, reliving other times when Xander's simple words had helped her or made her feel wanted, needed. It worried her when that happened. She was the Slayer. She was meant to be strong. She was the person whose life was meant to be threatened. All Xander had to do was be her friend. She loved him for that. And now, now her biggest fear was she'd never get to talk to him again.  
  
Things were weird in other ways as well. No one could be sure if the Hellmouth had been closed for good. And while there had been no sign of vampires or demons since, the fact that they hadn't endured another night rendered that method of proof as redundant. Giles hadn't been able to shed any light on what had knocked the surrounding army unconscious, and with everything else happening, Buffy hadn't been forward in pursuing it. But now, as the first orange rays flowed across the cityscape, fighting the chill in the air, Buffy did wonder on those events. What the effect had been was something they knew nothing about. They only had its consequences. And those were entangled around both Angel and Lorne. Angel, because he was still unconscious, and Lorne because he wasn't.  
  
Chuckling to herself, she figured Giles or Wesley would probably be hitting the books before the rest of them had breakfast.   
  
She closed her eyes, enjoying the warming sensation as the sun's brightness touched her face. It wasn't just a new morning to her. It was a new world. A world where she no longer had a calling. Was that the future they had won for themselves?  
  
She heard the soft footsteps behind her, and chuckled a little to herself. She hadn't thought Dawn would last much longer before waking up and demanding to go back to San Francisco General Hospital.  
  
Still looking out over the sunrise, immersing herself in every bit of hope she felt the new born sun always brought, Buffy didn't turn to face her sister. "We'll have some breakfast and then go to see him, okay?"  
  
She waited for a response, but after a few seconds, she asked again. "Dawn..." Buffy spun around as she spoke, and the words froze in her throat as she saw who was standing behind her.  
  
She tried to say something, but found that the power of speech had deserted her. It didn't seem real. But there in front of her with the sun streaming down across his body, with not a flame insight, was the one being that shouldn't have been there.  
  
"Angel!" Buffy softly called, finding her voice, yet still not quite believing what was in front of her.  
  
She saw Angel nod at her, and then his lips curled slightly at the edges and smiled at her. "Hi Buffy," he simply said.  
  
She didn't know what to say. It shouldn't be possible, but she couldn't ignore her own eyes. Then through her amazement she remembered one of the things Xander had mentioned. Something that she had put at the back of her mind till they'd succeeded in their main task.   
  
"Oh my god! You're human?"  
  
Angel nodded. "I never allowed myself to believe it could happen, and I woke up and felt my heart beating in my chest."   
  
Buffy rushed over and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tight. "This is so wonderful," she told him, as she felt his arms warp around her.  
  
After a few moments, she pulled back feeling like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It wasn't absolute proof, but Angel's humanity was only meant to occur if they succeeded. At least that was what Xander had told her.  
  
Xander.  
  
For a moment she had forgotten about his condition, and even though it had been just a small moment, it still angered her. She didn't want to do any celebrating till he was out of danger.  
  
Looking up at Angel she went to let go of her hug, but found herself standing transfixed, as Angel's head started lowering it self towards her. She felt she'd been caught in the high beam of an oncoming car. Even though it seemed to be happening in slow motion, suddenly his lips were on hers, searching for a passionate kiss from her in return.  
  
"Angel, what are you doing?" she managed to mumble out, as his lips still moved against her.  
  
She felt him stop and looking into his eyes, she could see confusion etched in them.  
  
"What?" he asked, moving back, and letting go of her.  
  
Standing a few feet back from him, Buffy asked again. "What were you doing?"  
  
"Umm, kissing you," Angel replied, seeming to have no idea of what Buffy was talking about.  
  
"Why?" Buffy asked, letting him know that it was that precise actions he wanted an explanation about.  
  
"I shouldn't have kissed you," Angel told her sounding almost defeated.  
  
Buffy couldn't understand the tone of his voice. "No, you shouldn't have."  
  
"I just thought that..." Angel stopped seeing that Buffy obviously wasn't even reading the same book, let alone on the same page as he was. "I'm sorry I was mistaken."  
  
"You thought...Oh!" Buffy responded, suddenly realising what was in Angel's thoughts. "Angel, that was years ago," she told him softly but firmly.   
  
"Was it?" Angel asked. Buffy could tell that he'd obviously set his heart on them being together.  
  
"I'm sorry, Angel. I ... I just don't feel that way about you anymore," she told him. Even though her feelings for Angel had changed years ago, it still hurt to tell those words to someone, whom she had loved with all her heart at one time in her life.   
  
She was hoping that he would say something else. Even if only to give herself a chance to understand how he could keep such a secret for these many years. They hadn't been in contact regularly over the years, but in the times they did see each other, she never got the idea that he was still fixed on her. But with a last pained look in her direction, he turned on his heels and walked away, his shoulders slumping slightly, as he took each step.   
  
"Angel!" Buffy called out to him.  
  
When she got no response, she moved to go after him, but stopped. If he was anything like herself, or other friends, than Buffy guessed that he needed and wanted to be by himself right now.  
  
Turning back to look at the sunrise, something that she held onto as a wonderful event, she tried to put aside the damper on her emotions. All of this would be excised if Xander would be okay, and until then, she just wanted to concentrate on the fact that she could see a sunrise again.  
  
She spun back around on her feet, fueled by the small boost that her positive thoughts gave her, and went to open the door to her room. As she placed her hand on the handle, she felt it turn, and then the door opened, as her sister stepped through. It only took one look onto Dawn's face, for Buffy to realise that she must have heard at least some of what had transpired with Angel.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked her elder sister, and she walked through the doorway, and let the door shut gently behind her.  
  
Buffy nodded, and gave Dawn a small grin. Seeing her family here with her on this morning was another reminder to her that this should be a happy time. "I'm okay, thanks." Buffy couldn't help but look down to where she'd last seen Angel walk. "I hope he'll be okay too."  
  
Dawn came over and gave Buffy a hug. "Must have been sort of wild to see him in the sunlight."  
  
"Yeah,' Buffy agreed. "And I'm really happy for him, he's done so much for it, fought for so many years..."  
  
"But?" Dawn asked.  
  
"But, it's sort of weird to think that he's been living on this dream for years that when he became human we'd simply get back together."   
  
"I think Angel has only ever been in love with you. From the first time he saw you, till this morning," Dawn told her.  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know, it's sad."  
  
Dawn couldn't help but laugh. "Hey, you'll get no argument from me. I think it's sad whenever anyone loves you."  
  
The tongue poking out at her as Dawn finished her words made Buffy laugh as well. She couldn't resist getting some of her own back. "You know Xander use to have a crush on me," she told her with a sly grin.  
  
Dawn's face dropped immediately. "That's low," she replied.  
  
Buffy inwardly grimaced. At any other time, she would've loved to rub into Dawn the burgeoning relationship that was developing between her and Xander, but with Xander still unconscious and his condition a mystery, she knew all too well why Dawn looked now like she did.  
  
"I'm sorry, I was kidding," Buffy told her.  
  
Dawn nodded, and Buffy could tell even though she was upset, Dawn knew Buffy meant no fowl by it.  
  
"He's going to be okay," Buffy told her firmly, and when Dawn only nodded weakly in return, she added, "so let's get ready to go to breakfast, and then we'll head over to the hospital, okay?"  
  
Dawn nodded, this time managing to smile a little, as she replied. "I going to kick his ass, when he's better, you know that don't you?"  
  
Buffy couldn't help herself but laugh. "I think there will be a few of us wanting to join in," she replied with a grin, knowing that they would probably kill him with kindness.  
  
********  
  
The room still looked like the same sterile place that it had been less than ten hours earlier. And that only made Dawn hate it more. It was no place to stimulate someone's body to get better. She held his hand in hers, the warmth that radiated from his skin to hers, giving a tangible link to him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, holding him tight. It was painful in a way to sit there, when he was still unconscious. She knew just how helpless Buffy was feeling, because at that moment, she was feeling the same.   
  
"Please wake up, Xand," she pleaded with him.  
  
She studied his face closely. The telltale signs of not having shaved for over twenty-four hours were showing clearly on his face. His hair falling lifelessly to the pillow his head rested on, while lower down, his chest rose and fell softly, not only giving life to himself, but hope to Dawn, as she willed him to be okay.  
  
Dawn suddenly felt like she'd been jolted. It took a second to realize what it was, but as she looked down at their joined hands, it happened again.  
  
A squeeze.  
  
"Xander!" she called out to him, squeezing his hand, and almost crying in delirium when she felt it returned in kind.  
  
"Oh my god," she gasped, looking into at his face, and seeing his eyelids were flickering.  
  
"Xander! Can you hear me?" she asked him, leaning closer to his ear. For a moment it felt like he had slipped back into unconsciousness, and Dawn started to fear that some cruel higher being had just given her the only sign she would get, but then she felt his hand squeezing her's again.  
  
"Dawn."  
  
The voice was low, rasping, and hard to make out, but to Dawn it was like the most beautiful thing she'd ever heard in her life.  
  
"I'm here,"  
  
Xander's eyes flickered open, and Dawn met his eyes, forming another connection.   
  
"I thought you were a dream?" he told her with the barest of grins.  
  
"I'm very real, Xand," she told him, and then before she could stop herself, she reached over and kissed him. Only lightly and just on the side of the lips, but it was something she had to do.  
  
When she saw Xander's face break into an even bigger grin, although it still looked only like a half grin to an outsider, she couldn't help but smile back.   
  
"No, you're very real," he told her. "Good," he told her before closing his eyes.  
  
"Xand?" she asked him, wondering what he was talking about.   
  
Xander opened his eyes again. "Will you go out with me?"  
  
The earnest look on his face, left Dawn with no thought of him being anything other than serious. It seemed strange to her, that he'd wake up and ask, but she couldn't care. It was music to her heart.  
  
"Anytime you want," she told him sincerely.  
  
She could almost make out the tiniest of nods, and she knew that he had heard her. "Need to sleep," he whispered, and then his eyes shut again, and before Dawn could say anything, she knew he was asleep again.  
  
'Damn, the others!' she screamed inside her head, feeling a little guilty at only now thinking of them. Letting go of his hand, and for the first time feeling as though she could, she practically jumped out of her chair and ran over to the door and opened it.  
  
The sound she made alerted the others quickly to her presence. Dawn could tell looking at them that they all feared the worst. Then she realised they must have all seen her face, as she could tell they all visibly relaxed.  
  
"He woke up," she told them.  
  
"He's awake?" Buffy asked, already moving to the door.  
  
"He's asleep again, but he's okay," Dawn told her. "He only woke for a minute or so."  
  
Giles got up and Dawn could see he couldn't contain his smile. "That's wonderful news. I'll go and tell the Doctor."  
  
"Did he say anything?"   
  
Dawn looked over and saw that Tara and Willow had gotten up as well, and Tara had asked her the question as they moved to her.  
  
Dawn could feel her smile pulling at the side of her face, taking each edge of her mouth to its highest apex. "Yeah, he asked me out."  
  
Everyone was silent for a second, looking at each other, then each of their faces broke into grins, and then laughter as they truly for the first time, started celebrating in their hearts.  
  
End Part 23 


	24. TwentyFour

Part 24  
  
  
The 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign had never meant a lot to Xander. In his early years, on the very odd occasion that his parents took him anywhere, let alone outside the city limits, it was just a reminder of his return to the less than stellar home he had left behind for a few hours. As he grew older, it seemed to be taunting him, almost daring him to actually leave. His aborted cross-country trip put paid to his only real attempt at that time.   
  
But now, as he stretched his head a little to peer over the top of the car door, from his prone position in the back seat, he found it oddly comforting. It's bright and garish colours and lettering, so long a symbol of what was wrong with Sunnydale, now filled him with warmth. It was a signal that they had survived. They'd triumphed when it had been in doubt for so long. And more to the point they were returning to their home. Returning as a big, if a little different, family unit.   
  
His movements when stretching to see out the window was enough to wake his companion who shared the back seat with him on this trip home. Xander glanced down, as she lifted her head off his shoulder, feeling like the most fortunate man in the world.   
  
"Sorry," he told her gently as he watched with joy as she opened her eyes. Eyes which were only gazing at him.  
  
"Where are we?" Dawn asked a little sleepily, as she raised her head. The first thing she noticed was the smile on Xander's face. "What?" she asked, thinking that she'd woken up with a horrible bird's nest where her usually straight brown hair fell. She raised her hand and started straightening it.  
  
Xander shook his head, and chuckled lightly. "It's fine. We just hit the outskirts of the city."  
  
He watched her as she simply nodded, and lay her bead back down on his chest. His breathing her accompaniment as she closed her eyes. It would be so easy for Xander to lose himself in this situation. It all seemed so right. He wrapped one of his arms around her shoulder, letting it rest there as Dawn snuggled more into his body. In the last few days, since they went on that outing into the city of San Francisco, the years of separation seemed to fade away. They were once again inseparable, and he knew that Dawn felt the same.   
  
But somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew they had things to talk about. Away from Sunnydale, away from their home, they could ignore the realities. But now that they were back, he knew that those realities would need to be faced. He was also pretty sure, that Dawn realised it as well, and she had decided that it was a talk for home, and not before hand. And even though they'd just passed through the boarder of Sunnydale, he was determined to leave it unspoken for at least another day.  
  
He wanted nothing to disturb this.  
  
In the corner of his eye, he could tell someone was looking at him. Glancing up he saw, just for a second, Tara's eyes move in the rear view mirror. Xander couldn't stop himself from grinning, even though Tara's eye's may have moved just in time, her smile was ample evidence that she'd been watching them, and it wasn't hidden from the reflection Xander looked upon.   
  
He let his thoughts drift off as he lay there, feeling the closeness of Dawn, waiting for the inevitable time when they would arrive at his apartment. Far quicker than he had hoped, he felt the car come to a stop, and when Tara turned off the ignition he knew that he was home.   
  
Buffy's suggestion of staying with them had been tempting. But even though Dawn had seemed keen on the idea, Xander had begged off. There was a path that Dawn and he had to walk if this was going to work. And since he wanted nothing more in this world for that to be so, he wasn't going to take any short cuts, or trip over himself by running to fast. No matter how enticing the end result may be.   
  
And it wasn't as though he was incapacitated. He was more than capable of looking after himself. The Doctor's orders were to rest for two weeks. Nothing too drastic. He was certain that he wouldn't have much time alone. His dear friends would see to that. So going back to his admittedly modest apartment wasn't a problem for him. It seemed to be much more like a starting point for what is to come.  
  
"We're here," he whispered to Dawn, lightly touching her temple with the back of his hand.  
  
"Don't want to move," she replied adamantly, as she pressed her cheek into his chest a little bit more.  
  
"And if I was on my couch that would be a good thing, but the back seat of my car, is not where I want to spend the night," he told her jovially.   
  
"But I don't want to leave," Dawn told him raising her head.   
  
"I'll be here tomorrow," he told her leaning forward and kissing her lightly on her forehead. "And I'll be fine."  
  
Dawn pouted a little, but didn't argue further. As much as she wanted to stay with him, there was a voice in the back of her mind (that sometimes didn't sound like Buffy) telling her that going home was the best idea.  
  
"I'm coming over in the morning," she told him adamantly, before moving herself up and opening the door to get out. She held the door open as Xander slid out beside her. He pulled himself up, his hand resting on the car, while Dawn supported his other side of his body. When he was vertical, he softy told Dawn, thanks, before turning to Willow and Tara.  
  
"Thanks," he told them.  
  
"We'll take Dawn home and be back with the car later," Tara said.  
  
"No rush, guys, I'm not going anywhere," Xander told them, thinking that they would want to be getting home as well.  
  
"True. That's why we're coming over with some take out for dinner," Willow told him. Her face told him that arguing wasn't an option.  
  
"Okay, fine," Xander replied holding his hands up in mock surrender. He turned to Dawn who was still holing on to him. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"   
  
Dawn nodded. "I'd rather stay for dinner."  
  
"I know, but we'll have lunch tomorrow," Xander told her gently with a bit of effort.   
  
Dawn wrapped her arms around him and held on to him tightly. Now that they were saying goodbye, it started to hit her. She'd been in his presence for over a week, and even though they were just going to be across town from one and other, it felt at that moment, that an ocean was forming between them. She pulled back after almost a minute and walked slowly backwards the few steps to the open car door, where she ducked her head and sat down in the back, closing the door behind her.  
  
Xander could feel it too, the distance that grew between them. But he knew it was only in his head. It wasn't real. As much as part of him wanted her to stay, she was coming over tomorrow. Tomorrow. That meant a future. For a very real time, Xander didn't know if any of them would have that.  
  
As they drove away, his eyes and Dawn's locked together, it was that very real truth that kept his heart warm.  
  
*************  
  
Even though part of his body still ached from the efforts in San Francisco, Xander's sleep was comfortable. It helped that he was back in his own bed. It may not be the newest, but it was what he was used to, and after the hospital beds, and the motel, he was glad to be back on his familiar comfort.   
  
Added to that he had over ten hours sleep. Willow and Tara had not stopped for long after they'd eaten dinner. Xander could tell that they were just as tired as he was, and with a little nudging he'd given them back his car keys, and told them to keep it for now.   
  
He slowly swung his legs out over the edge of the bed, and then lifted his back off the mattress, and stood up, stretching his back as he did. He opened his eyelids as much as possible letting the morning light chase away the last of his slumber. He stumbled slightly, his legs not yet fully working as he stepped into the bathroom, and turned on the shower. He stepped into the cavity, and closed the curtain behind him, letting the warm water rush over his body.  
  
Closing his eyes, and enjoying the massaging effect the water had on his back, his thoughts were continuously dwelling on two matters. It bothered him that as yet they had no clear idea of what they had achieved if anything in San Francisco. They'd obviously survived, and the next night when Buffy and other patrolled the area, there was no sign of any vampires or demons. Added to that Sunnydale still seemed to be as night friendly as it was before they left. But there was no official word. The Watcher's Council for all their bluster, was an important tool of information, and as yet it had been decidedly un-helpful. Deep inside, Xander held a fear that even though they'd managed to save Buffy's life, the safety the future world had, had not been managed this time around. The thought of countless people who would lose their lives in attacks that shouldn't exist, chilled him on the few occasions he entertained that thought. It was too hard to contemplate most times, so he kept it buried. But today, being home, and with everything so right, the thought kept nagging at him.  
  
Thankfully his contemplations were countered by his continuing thoughts on Dawn. He could feel himself making note of every minute that passed by as he waited for her arrival. But even though that part of his life seemed to be so serene, he also knew that there were realties that they both had to face. He only hoped that his idea was the right way to go about it  
  
*********  
  
Rising from her bed, and wishing that her parents had not been at work to answer the pounding on the door, Stacey stretched and then pulled on her bathrobe. She'd hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and after finally nodding off in the early hours of the morning, she wasn't all that appreciative of the early morning, unasked for, wake up call.  
  
She wiped her eyes as she reached the front door, clearing away the sleep that had gathered, before she placed her hand on the doorknob, and turned it.  
  
"Dawn!" she screamed when she saw who it was, before rushing forward and taking her best friend in a hug. "Oh my god, when did you get back?  
  
"Last night," Dawn replied happily. "Okay, easy there solider, It's not like I went missing or anything," she added as Stacey continued to hug her.   
  
Stacey pulled back and with a smile, she simply stated. "I'm just glad you're okay."  
  
A frown fell on Dawn's face, as she replied. "Why wouldn't I?"  
  
"Cause of what you went to San Francisco for," Stacey told her, signaling for Dawn to come inside.  
  
"I just went on a little vacation with my sister and friends," Dawn responded.  
  
Stacey rolled her eyes. "Yeah okay."   
  
"What?" Dawn asked.  
  
"I'm not stupid, Dawn," Stacey told her, looking straight into her eyes as she did. The meaning behind the words weren't lost on Dawn, as she suddenly became aware of Stacey's knowledge of the truth.  
  
"Oh my god! How long have you known?" she asked.  
  
Stacey shrugged "For a while."  
  
"Why didn't you say anything?" Dawn replied.  
  
"I didn't want to bother you with it," Stacey told her. "Though it was hard to keep a straight face sometimes. I mean hello, I did visit you at the magic shop all the time."  
  
Dawn went to say something, but then paused and started laughing. "Well, I feel like an idiot."  
  
"Well that's nothing unusual," Stacey retorted nonchalantly, before changing the subject. "So how was everything?"  
  
"Everything is fine," Dawn told her, thinking that Stacey was asking about the battle they went through.  
  
"And does a certain dark haired older guy fall into that explanation?" Stacey asked more straightforward. She noticed with joy that Dawn blushed a little and looked down before answering.  
  
"Yes, Xander is in that answer."  
  
Stacey sat down on the couch and crossed her legs under her, pulling a cushion behind her to support her back. "Good," she replied. "Now, tell me all. Don't skip on anything."  
  
******  
  
Xander straightened up by placing a few of the items that had been left scattered around the apartment when he left for San Francisco, back into their various places in the shelving. The problem with his place was that it was too small. That was something he needed to work on, after fixing his unemployed status. He had a life to get back to.   
  
There was a gentle knock at the door, which turned his head. His face broke into a smile, as the door opened and he saw whom it was that had knocked. He was about to say something when Dawn looked slightly annoyed at him.  
  
"What are you doing up?" she scolded him, rushing over and placing her arm on his to escort him back to the couch.  
  
Xander had to chuckle a little at her response, but not for long, as he pulled slightly back on her, stopping her movements. "I'm fine," he told her, then when he noticed that she was looking at him like she didn't believe him 100 percent, he added, "I really am."  
  
Dawn let go of his arm, and looked a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I worry. The Doctor said for you to rest for two weeks."  
  
Xander reached out and grabbed her hand, lightly holding it as he ran his thumb along the back of her palm. "I'm just putting a few things away. No exertion here, honest."  
  
There was something in his eyes that convinced Dawn, and when she had, she smiled at him, her love for him radiating from the centre of her eyes. "Good morning then."   
  
She reached over and took him in her arms, which was quite a feat considering the difference in size, but as much as she loved being enveloped in his arms, this morning she wanted to wrap herself around him. Not the other way round.   
  
After a moment, she let go, and just looked up at his face, enjoying being with him. Nothing more. Nothing less.   
  
"So what did you want to do today?" she asked him after a moment.  
  
"Well as thrilling as it is, and considering that I am supposed to be resting," Xander started dragging his answer out.  
  
"Yes?" Dawn broke in, feigning impatience.  
  
"Lets go out for a late breakfast, and spend the day together. Get to know each other again."  
  
"I know you," Dawn replied.  
  
"And I know you as well, but I want to know you more," Xander told her. "I want to fall in love with you again. Does that make sense?"  
  
Dawn smiled at him again. It was so inviting that Xander could feel nothing but the strongest warmth behind it again. "And I want to fall for you again. Without the crush."  
  
"Good," Xander agreed. "Should we go now?"  
  
"Sure," Dawn responded, holding onto his hand, as he picked up the keys in his other hand and walked to the door, Dawn following him. He opened it and let her through first, stopping to close and lock it behind him.  
  
"You know, I always though the crush was cute," Xander teased her, as he turned back around, moving a step away from her expected playful slap.  
  
"Not fair, I can't hit an injured person," Dawn replied laughing, as she stepped back in line with him, and re-took his hand. "Besides, according to Stacey, you were the one crushing on me the last few months," she added with a grin, smiling even more when she realised that Xander wasn't going to deny it.  
  
*****  
  
Everyone's attention turned as Xander and Dawn walked into the Magic Shop, the door closing behind them, with the usual tingle of the doorbell as accompaniment.   
  
They hadn't had much of their day cut short, as they had been on their way back to Xander's apartment when they got the call from Buffy that there was going to me a meeting. There was no annoyance in being summoned, although they both did wonder what was so important, and even though he hadn't mentioned it, Xander feared that it was bad news. The day had gone so well, that his internal pessimist radar was on full scope at present.  
  
They walked over together, hands lightly clasped, with a few of their fingers intertwined. As they took a seat, Xander looked around the room, noticing that everyone that had stopped in Sunnydale for the night was there. Giles and Wesley looked serious. Buffy, Willow and Tara were waiting expectantly, and Cordelia sat a little off to the side of them. Fred and Gunn had accompanied Angel and Lorne back to LA the day before.  
  
"Well, now that the lovebirds are back," Buffy commented looking slyly at the two of them. Xander blushed at what he was sure would be the first of many little gibes directed at him and Dawn. He could tell that Dawn didn't see the funny side of it, as she simply glared at her sister, who was doing her best impersonation of Miss Innocence in return. The others, including even Giles and Wesley all seemed to be smiling. Something that Xander admitted to himself made him feel a little less tense about the news that they had to deliver.  
  
Her fun over, Buffy turned to face the two Englishmen. "So what's the what?" she asked.  
  
Xander's worries, and he assumed most of the groups, weren't eased at all when both Giles and Wesley looked at each other, as if they couldn't make up their mind on who should speak first. Finally after what had seemed like an eternity, even if it was only a few seconds Giles spoke.  
  
"Well, the good news is that it looks like we succeeded," Giles told her.  
  
Buffy's mood improved almost immediately. "Really, you're sure?"  
  
"It does look that way. From what the council has been able to ascertain, the Hellmouth for all intensive purposes, is closed."  
  
Buffy seemed like she was about to jump for joy, figuratively, if not literally, but something was telling her there was a 'but' still unsaid. "And?"  
  
"And, well it seems as though vampires and the like will no longer be a danger or even be seen." Wesley added.  
  
"Okay, guys there is something else, cause so far it's all been good, but you are still hesitating," Buffy asked. "And if there isn't then I would like to start the celebration."  
  
Giles nodded his head slightly. "There is some doubt to it all. There is obviously no way of monitoring the other end of the Hellmouth, but suffice it to say that no-one is expecting the forces that rule that dimension will simply stop from trying to break through into ours. It could be weeks, months, maybe years, but sometime in the future, maybe the long distant future after we have all passed, but sometime they will probably succeed."  
  
Xander could feel himself tensing as Giles spoke these words, and then as if she knew what was happening he could feel Dawn lightly squeezing his hand, letting him know that she was there with him. He felt himself ease down slightly as he waited for more information.   
  
Buffy thought about what he'd said for a moment, her elation at success falling a little, till she remembered something. "But didn't Xander say that the world was a safer place in the future. Five years after, it was still vampy free?" She looked over to Xander for re-assurance, and he felt a little inadequate to be able to only give a nod in return.  
  
"But how we stopped that realities Hellmouth was different, something, and we have no guarantee that this was as successful," Wesley answered.  
  
"But," Giles countered, not wanting to alarm the group more than they had already done, "we also may have been eminently more successful."  
  
"So we either did really well, or just good enough for a while?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Yes, quite," Wesley replied, knowing that in reality they had no concrete proof of anything.   
  
"But all the vampires, they just well died," Buffy pointed out, wishing that she had a better word to use instead of saying that a dead thing, died.  
  
"Well it is all theory of course, but according to the council's researchers, the Hellmouth wasn't just a portal to another dimension. It also in a very real way was the lifeblood to the vampires, and a lot of the demons that inhabited earth. That is why so many were attracted to it," Wesley told her.  
  
"But, aren't there are vampires and demons world wide?" Buffy responded.   
  
"It is true that vampires and demons do survive world wide," Giles answered. "The 'evil' that the Hellmouth spewed out, affected the whole of the earth. This may have been its strongest point, but its affects were felt in every corner of the globe."  
  
"So what happened to all the vampires?" Xander asked, feeling the need to get a definitive answer.  
  
"Well it is of course all supposition," Wesley answered as if he had to protect his reputation in case it turned out to be incorrect. "But without the Hellmouth to 'feed' them, the demons had no hold on the corpses they inhabited, and they eventually crumbled to dust."  
  
"Angel," Buffy softly said.  
  
"Yes," Giles replied, taking his glassed off and rubbing his nose. "It seems that the powers that be had very good timing on that little transformation." He gave Buffy a sympathetic grin. "I don't think that was a co-incidence"  
  
"No," Buffy replied. Her heart may not belong to Angel anymore, but she couldn't deny that she was happy to know that he had a life to lead now. "But what about Lorne?"  
  
"Lorne is from another dimension to the Hellmouth, so are other demons. Not all friendly by any means, but on the whole, not your 'take over the world' types either. They will live on as always," Wesley answered.  
  
"It's over?" Buffy whispered the thought of her duty being finished hitting her as she spoke the words. She looked over to her friends who all seemed to be grasping the enormity of what that not only meant to the world, but to Buffy specifically.   
  
Giles walked over and wrapped a protective arm around the girl he considered a daughter. "There will always be evil in the world, Buffy. Whether it is human, or demon, the world isn't all flowers and sunshine. But the threats we faced over the last ten years are gone."  
  
"It's over," She said looking up into his face, searching for the final piece of confirmation to that news.   
  
Giles smiled back, telling her gently. "Yes, I do think it is."  
  
It was then that another thought entered Buffy's mind.  
  
"So what now?"  
  
Giles shrugged a little, but with a small smile answered. "Who knows. The future is yet to be written."  
  
The scope of what had just been said hit them all in different ways. For the most part it was unbridled joy. Tara, Willow and Cordelia all hugged, before Wesley came over and wrapped his arms around Cordelia, and Willow and Tara simply rasped each other again. Sitting to the side, Dawn looked up at Xander, and could see a tear falling from his eye.  
  
"Xan?" she asked softly reaching up and wiping the tear away gently with the back of her fingers.   
  
Looking at her in front of him, Xander knew that it was over. The fear, the burden and the guilt were behind him. He no longer knew what was to come. It was all new. All to be enjoyed, and all to experience. Leaning down, he pulled Dawn closer to him, kissing her lightly on her lips, before holding her tight.   
  
He knew exactly what he had to do.   
  
*****  
  
Xander woke energised the next day. Sure his body still ached a little, and he had important things to do today, but it was for that reason that he felt so alive. He stretched a little gingerly, not wanting to aggravate any of the still tender parts of his body, he was halted in mid-stretch by a knock at his door. Glancing over at the wall clock to make sure that he wasn't totally out with his time frame, he was reassured to see it was only nine a.m. Still he hadn't expected anyone to come around this morning, though if it was who he thought it would be, he wasn't going to he unhappy with that occurrence.   
  
Opening the door it wasn't the brunette that he was expecting, but a very welcome one in any matter.   
  
"Hey."  
  
Cordelia walked in with an air of grace she'd seemed to be born with, and as she passed him she reached up slightly to kiss him on the cheek. "You're looking well," she told him warmly, as they walked over to the lounge to sit.   
  
"I feel fine, but I've been told to rest for a couple of weeks, so resting I am," Xander replied.  
  
"And if you tried to do too much, I have a feeling that Dawn would kick your ass," Cordelia responded, grinning as she lightly emphasized 'Dawn'.  
  
"You're having much too much fun with my love life, Cordy," Xander replied with a grin that showed that he was only kidding.   
  
"Yes, I am. But come on, can't you see the possibilities," Cordelia continued. Then with a sly grin she added. "I'm sure Buffy has."  
  
Xander shook his head, chuckling. "You're evil."  
  
"Well we've always known that," Cordelia counted, before getting a little serious. "How's it all going anyway?"   
  
He couldn't help but grin, as he thought of his response. "It's great, better that I had dared to dream."  
  
"I'm glad," Cordelia told him.   
  
Xander nodded, but could see there was some indecision on her part. He couldn't be sure, but it looked like she wanted to say something more. And if Cordy was hedging her words, it was obviously serious.   
  
"What is it?" Xander asked.  
  
He watched as Cordelia bit her lip, before speaking. "Have you talked to Anne?"  
  
It wasn't as though Xander had forgotten his friend from Los Angeles, but at that moment he was ashamed to admit that she hadn't entered his thoughts for a while.  
  
"No, not since I came back to Sunnydale," Xander admitted guiltily.  
  
Cordelia tilted her head slightly. "I ran into her, just before you came down to get us a few weeks ago."  
  
"You did?" Xander asked surprised that he hadn't heard about it before.  
  
"There just didn't seem a right time to mention it, and well...with everything else," Cordelia answered, opening her hands as she spoke.  
  
Xander knew what Cordelia was saying. He also knew that it was up to him, not her to answer. "I'll call her tonight," Xander told her.  
  
"You don't think you should go and see her?" Cordelia continued.  
  
Shaking his head, Xander disagreed. "No, I need to tell her now. I promised that I would, once it was all sorted out."  
  
At those words, Cordelia nodded. "Yeah, but I don't think she was wishing for what you will be telling her."  
  
"I know," Xander replied softly.   
  
Cordelia once again nodded at Xander's words, but after a moment she took a breath, and moved on. "Well, I have to get back and pack. We're heading back to LA tonight."  
  
"Already?" Xander asked surprised.  
  
"You'll miss me, I'm touched," Cordelia answered sarcastically.  
  
"Can it Cordy, you know that I will," Xander replied seriously.  
  
"I know, and I'll miss you as well," Cordelia replied, pausing after, then adding. "Were we close in the future?"  
  
"Yeah, we were," Xander answered smiling at his old school girlfriend.  
  
"That sounds nice," Cordelia added almost wistfully.  
  
"You'll give my best to Wesley and all the others."  
  
"Even Angel?" Cordelia asked as her eyebrows raised.   
  
"He's not my favourite person and truth be told, he never will be. There's too much between us," Xander told her. "But, he's looking for a reason to everything right now. I can sympathise, so yeah, give my best to him as well."  
  
Cordelia smiled. As much as she cared about the souled vampire, she knew that Xander would never feel the same. But it made her feel happy that there was something other than anger in her friend's heart. "I will."  
  
"Besides, I plan on visiting you every now and again, so I should get used to him being around," Xander told her, his tone back to it's usual mixture of sarcasm and insincerity.   
  
Rolling her eyes, Cordelia countered. "So what did I do to deserve this honour?"  
  
"Don't know, still trying to work that one out," Xander responded straight-faced.   
  
"So, will a certain brunette close relative of the slayer be accompanying you?" Cordelia teased, fighting back with her own brand of teasing.  
  
"We shall see," Xander replied honestly, before moving forward and taking Cordelia in a hug.   
  
*****  
  
Walking up the path that he'd done on many occasions in the last few months, Xander couldn't help but feel a little uneasy at what he had decided to do. He didn't think that she would say no. In fact he was sure she wouldn't. But it was a huge part of his life that he was putting behind him, and as such it still weighed on his mind, even though he'd decided days ago to do this.  
  
He lightly rapped his knuckles across the doorframe, and stood waiting for one of his friends to answer it. Which wasn't long, as within a few seconds the wooden door opened to the smiling face of one of his best friends.  
  
"Xander! What are you doing here?" Tara asked obviously not expecting him.  
  
"Umm...I needed to ask you something," Xander replied.  
  
"What?" Tara responded. She then opened the door further, and signaled for him to come in, leaning up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek as he passed. She noticed that he was carrying a bag with him, but thought nothing of it. What was surprising to her was that he was mere hours from his date, a date that it was safe to say had been the culmination of one of his dreams, he was instead at her place, looking a little worried.  
  
She closed the door behind him and walked behind, following Xander as he went straight to the living room. He'd been over to Willow and her place so often in the previous months, that there was no ceremony that either of them felt a need to wait for.  
  
Once he'd sat, Tara took her seat next to him and waited for Xander to say something.  
  
"I want you to keep this," Xander finally told her after a few seconds. He reached out and thrust his bag that he'd been carrying to her. Tara glanced quickly up to his face, seeing no humour there. Whatever it was that he was asking was deadly serious to him.   
  
When she took the bag from him, she gave Xander a nod, and then he sat back, waiting for her to open it.  
  
Untying the drawstring, she reached inside and pulled out the book, knowing as she did exactly what it was she was holding. She'd seen it and read it a number of times before, but for the moment she was lost as to why he was handing it over to her. She gently placed it down on her lap, then looked up at him once more.  
  
"Your journal?" she simply said.  
  
Xander nodded. "Is that okay?"  
  
"Of course it is, Xander. But why?" Tara gently probed.  
  
"I have to let it go," he replied softly. "But I just can't throw it away."  
  
"Of course you can't," Tara responded seeing the quiet determination on Xander's face. "But don't you want to keep it with you?"  
  
Shaking his head from side to side slowly, Xander answered. "It's not fair to Dawn," he told her. "Or me."  
  
Tara understood what he was getting at. The shadow of his relationship with Dawn in the future had been something that she herself had wondered about on numerous occasions. While he had obviously developed an unmistakable bond to her, even Xander had told her that he needed to separate the two of them. Tara had agreed and knew this to be true if he wanted to have any future with the eighteen-year-old he was in love with.   
  
"Dawn didn't tell you..." Tara started, but was quickly silenced by another shake of Xander's head.  
  
"No. She never would, never has. She doesn't know about this. It's something that I need to do, it's just...I can't throw it away," Xander told her.   
  
"Of course you can't," Tara replied. Her mouth broke into a grin as she felt a warm glow in her heart. The fact that he'd trusted her with this task meant a great deal to her. "I'll keep it safe," she told him.  
  
"Do you know how much you mean to me?" Xander told her. "I mean, I always liked you, but..."  
  
Tara put her hand on his shoulder. "I know, sweetie."  
  
Xander smiled at her, nodding his head. He'd never had a sister, and didn't know what it would've been like, but he could never imagine it feeling any better than he felt when he could talk to Tara.   
  
*****  
  
Buffy looked up from her magazine when she heard someone walking down the steps. She had been ordered away from Dawn's bedroom, and Stacey had been the only one allowed in. Though Buffy had a feeling that the decision had more to do with her little jokes about Dawn doing herself up for Xander than any grooming skills Stacey might have.  
  
She didn't dislike the idea of Xander dating her sister, or her sister dating Xander. In fact, when she really thought about it, she loved them both and that was a heck of a lot better than nearly any other perspective partners they might find. But that didn't stop her from using her knowledge of both of them to her own advantage. After all, what fun would there be if a big sister couldn't have a laugh at her younger sister's expense.   
  
She saw that it was Stacey who had emerged from upstairs first. "How's she doing?"  
  
"She's okay, and really nervous at the same time," Stacey told her as she reached the bottom of the steps.  
  
"She's been with Xander for most of the last two weeks, why is she so nervous?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Because," Dawn answered as she stepped on to the staircase. "This is our first date. It's important."  
  
"And the other times you went out?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"That was Xander and I, getting to know each other again," Dawn replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"Okay..." Buffy responded, leaving it hanging.  
  
"We're taking it slowly, Buffy. Tonight's our first date," Dawn told her, and immediately Buffy could see the seriousness in her eyes.  
  
"I know," Buffy told her. She understood why it was so special to Dawn and Xander tonight. "And I'm glad you're taking it slowly. So I expect you home tonight."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Yes, I will be home tonight. But If I'm not, don't read into that, okay? I have my mobile if you need to contact me."  
  
"It's not that I worry, it's just that..."  
  
"You worry," Dawn filled in for Buffy. "I know you do, and that's sweet, it really is. But Buffy, you remember when he kissed me that night in San Francisco?"  
  
Buffy nodded, casting a glance at Stacey wondering if Dawn should be talking about it.  
  
"Well that's the last time he kissed me. I mean really kissed me," Dawn told her. "We're taking things slow, I know, but if Xander doesn't get out of first gear, I might have to jump on him," she added, with a smile. She knew Buffy would just hate the visual she'd just given her.   
  
Stacey giggled a little, and even Buffy had to laugh. "So Xander's being a gentleman."  
  
Her lips curled at the end, as she couldn't stop smiling with pride as she admitted, "yeah, he is."  
  
"As he should be," Buffy agreed. She just felt like mothering her little sister for a bit.  
  
****  
  
Across town, the other half of this momentous night was straightening up his jacket in the mirror, before turning to face his own personal pep squad. He opened his arms in an unspoken question.  
  
"Yes, you look good," Tara told him, walking over and flicking a loose thread off his jacket.   
  
"You look fine," Willow added. "Where are you going to tonight?"  
  
"I've booked reservations at Gulio's for dinner, then there is a summer concert in the park that starts at 9.00pm, and it looks like a good night for it."  
  
Willow shook her head at the thought of it. "It still sounds strange to hear that Sunnydale is having events like that at night."  
  
"The place is night friendly now, Will. And I for one want to take advantage of it," Xander replied, finally finished fussing with his clothes. "Okay?"  
  
"Yes, Xander you look fine," Tara replied, wondering if Dawn was this much of a worrywart tonight. "Everything is okay with you two, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, everything is really good," Xander replied.   
  
****  
  
"Xander's here," Stacey called out, as she saw Xander pull up outside the house. Dawn and Buffy came out from the kitchen on her words, Stacey not missing the fact that Buffy was carrying a camera.  
  
"No, Buffy, not tonight," Dawn told her.  
  
"Just one," Buffy replied, equally as adamant.  
  
Dawn shook her head and muttered, "Sisters," before taking a breath and reaching for the front door. She opened it to find Xander standing there, holding a bouquet of flowers. She immediately noticed that he'd worn the jacket she'd picked out for him on one of their shopping days last week. She'd liked the look of it then and now seeing it on him she couldn't help but like it even more. She thought that he looked great, but then she'd always thought so, even during his questionable clothing years.  
  
"Hi," she told him.  
  
"These are for you," he told her, handing the flowers to her, and then reaching down and kissing her on the cheek. "You look wonderful," he told her, appreciating the black dress she was wearing. He couldn't fail to notice the smell of perfume as he kissed her cheek. It was a pleasant inviting one, and definitely hit his senses in the right way.   
  
"Thanks. I'll just put these in water," Dawn told him, as they walked back inside.  
  
Xander watched as Stacey joined Dawn and they took the flowers over to kitchen to find a vase for them.   
  
"So, looking good, Xander," he heard from behind him, not that he needed sight to recognise the voice.  
  
"Hey Buffy," he greeted her warmly, giving her a hug when she came forward. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm good," Buffy replied, before almost blurting out, "you know if you..."  
  
Xander held up his hands in surrender. "I know okay," he told her, as if he'd been expecting it.  
  
Buffy softened considerably and even looked a little guilty. "I'm sorry, it's just that she's my sister, and you're one of my best friends, and it's a little weird."  
  
Xander could understand that, and didn't want to haul Buffy over the coals for her over-protectiveness, but needed to tell her something. "Buffy, I love and respect Dawn, and I also happen to love and respect her sister,' he told her, knowing that she would understand exactly what he was saying.  
  
When Buffy nodded in return, he knew that she did.   
  
"So, how are you really?" Xander asked.  
  
"She's fine," Dawn answered for her sister, keen to get out of there before Buffy got snappy happy.  
  
"Yes, I am," Buffy replied. There would be plenty of time to catch up with Xander. This was Dawn and his night. She cast a glance towards Dawn. "And I want to take a picture before you go," she added picking up the camera from beside her.  
  
"Okay," Xander replied, before seeing the look of shock on Dawn's face. He reached over and took her hand as she came towards him. "I'd like a picture of us to have at home."  
  
Dawn smiled, and agreed. She stood a few inches in front of Xander, leaning back slightly, as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She couldn't help herself, closing her eyes for a few seconds to simply enjoy the feeling of his body on hers. Her own personal nirvana was broken by Buffy's voice.  
  
"Eye's Dawn,"  
  
As she opened her eyes, Xander whispered, just loud enough for only her to hear, "Love you." It was enough to make her smile widen, and as the flash lit, both of them were caught in a pose that only signified the way they felt for each other.   
  
After they had said goodbye to Buffy and Stacey, they walked outside, while the other two watched from the window.   
  
Xander reached the passenger door and opened it, but before Dawn could get in, he lightly touched her on the shoulder, and then cupping her cheeks gently with both hands he leant down and kissed her. He hadn't planned on doing so, but the moment just seemed like it was right, and judging by the enthusiastic response from Dawn, as her arms wrapped around his body pulling him closer, he knew that he'd done the right thing.   
  
After some time, they both hadn't taken any notice, they broke apart, and then Dawn simply got in her side of the Xander's car, and Xander closed the door behind her. He then walked around to the other side and got into the driver's seat, closing his door after he's sat down.   
  
From the window Buffy and Stacey watched as they drove off. Each of them had squealed a little when Xander had kissed Dawn, though Buffy had to admit that Stacey clearly won the award for acting happy this time around. She couldn't however disregard the total and overwhelming feeling of happiness she felt as she watched two of the people most dear to her, head off on their special night.   
  
"They looked very happy," Stacey replied.  
  
"Yeah they did," Buffy replied, taking a last look down the road, where the car had last been seen, before she pulled on the curtains, letting them fall into place.   
  
"They're writing their own future," Buffy said softly to herself, as the curtains touched in the middle.  
  
The End  
  
Dedicated to -   
  
Adrena for her dearest friendship and beta reading skills, and Jewel for the original spark.  
  
My sincerest gratitude to the following people for reviewing the story. Each one of your reviews was very gratefully received -   
  
Calen, Rob Clark, Chorltond, Bolo, Stone Cold, David, Bruce McBurney, Cynthia, Red Jacaboson, Rick Seiber, David Naumowicz, Scott, Nathan Postmark, Reed, Roeure, Amelia, Bolo, DrunkenFairy, Puguita, Drake Roberts, Furious George, Scott Timms, Bill Haden, Eirwinrommel, Erin and Jamie Brinkman, Vegakeep, Franger, Ejot, Tpk757, AngelaM, Geoof, Levi Truelove, Niki, Talbot, Michael, Morpheus, Jed, Ghostrider, TopQuark, Eckles 71, jmchau, Teri, Emma Bruty, Monicka, Darklight, paradox761, Tommy Chen, Jared, Coffee, Mystic, IceWing, Elder, Knifehand, Drednax. 


End file.
